Mistakes, Argument, Breakup?

So I have been dating my girl for about 4 yrs. I am a U.S. military member and I met my girl in Okinawa, Japan back in 2015. She is originally from the mainland but moved to the island due to a prior marriage to an Okinawan man. So long story, after leaving in 2016 and moving to two different countries (Korea and England) within three years, we remain in touch via text/video chatting and traveling to see each other. Finally in 2019, I have made it back to Okinawa and we are in the process of moving in together. The thing is, I am making small mistakes in which she overreact on everything. Examples such as leaving my cigarettes on our balcony, causing little scratches on her non-stick pan which she has brought, not getting white pillow cases for our new bed which i forgot to buy additionally, etc. She want to decorate the place but I seem to do the absolute opposite which I don’t mean to do on purpose. I always said that I don’t think before I buy stuff and she wants to be next to me when we decide on anything for our place. And these things only happened when we decide to move in together. I made have flaws but she overreacts and send angry texts in Japanese (since her English is only conversational and it is only natural to use her naive tongue to convey her true feelings) and I would translate via Google. I love her but I don’t know anymore because I feel like she wants to control everything, even when I want to buy something for myself. Also, she is way older than me, about 10 yrs older which makes sense to be financially secure but we are not married yet. I don’t mean any harm but while I am texting this, we haven’t spoke to each other within the last hour and it is nighttime over here. She has thought about living separately like the first time when we met but I don’t want that. Additionally, she sees these actions to judge me as being “less than a human being” (her words). She has called a dog and a monkey (for acting “unwise” with my decision-making). It seems maybe that she thinks my actions are “unfit” to her standards, thus wanting to make the better decisions on behalf of me as if I am not in control of own life or something. Maybe I am at fault because I know I am not used to living with someone and only catered to myself. You have make sacrifices in the sake to accompany another person especially if they are your spouse or significant other. Or, it could the difference of cultures in how a particular mistake can judge a person’s decision-making or mental capacity. Whatever the case, I feel like having some space is the best option but I don’t want it to be. Or even breaking up....I have made a lot of mistakes in prior relationships but this one....this is definitely a test within our relationship. I just wish there was some other way to rectify it. But that’s relationships for you, right? We’re not even married and l feel like I am in one already. Any advice is greatly appreciated if possible because I don’t know if I answer my own advice.

Firstly, it will help get more responses if you break your posts up into paragraphs*

You are correct. She sounds extremely controlling and over bearing and you my friend sound like too much of a pleaser (read: doormat).

Part of why she treats you this way is because you have allowed it....Please don't take this as racist but I assume Japanese people are very meticulous about things, but dear God, I certainly couldn't and wouldn't put up with so much belittling and controlling!

It would take a mountain of miracles for this situation to change so I don't envy you if you enter into an actual marriage here....

That said, I think the only thing you can do is to slowly start putting your foot down a bit and try to turn things around. She seems to have little respect for you at this point. And no respect = very little attraction.....

If you start to do this things will either improve, or your relationship will go to a long over due grave....

Aside from helping your situation, I also highly recommend the books "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Dieda. Get these books ASAP!

Hope this helps*

Regards

Carus*

PS: I live in Indonesia and have an Indonesian GF so I truly understand things like communication and cultural differences...But seriously, it doesn't have to be the way it is for you!

It was a huge mistake to go from long distance to moving in together. Too much togetherness that you two aren't used to. You should've moved nearby and then entered into a local dating scenario, which would've made the dating pace more normal.

That's what I would do now. Move out and date at a normal pace. Get some books on communication and read them together to see if you two can learn to communicate in more healthy way when there are disagreements. This will give you time to see if you can develop a satisfying relationship, and if not, you can call it quits without the headache of separating household belongings.

Sorry to hear this. You need to move out. You're incompatible and she doesn't respect you.

we are in the process of moving in together. she is way older than me, about 10 yrs older which makes sense to be financially secure but we are not married yet.

 

It seems maybe that she thinks my actions are “unfit” to her standards, thus wanting to make the better decisions on behalf of me as if I am not in control of own life or something.

Would you ever call her a dog or a monkey?

You sound like you're attached in a very toxic and unhealthy way to a controller who is mentally and verbally abusive to you.

It will get worse, not better.

If you don't distance yourself from this person and end the relationship, you're going to be treated even worse as time goes by. She does not respect you and she does not treat you properly.

You're right, people are only human, she sounds like she has zero tolerance and is abusive on top of it.

You're not over exaggerating and she has no excuses to be behaving so badly.

Only you can decide if you decide to stay in this "relationship" or not. But there is little hope that she will get any better.

She sounds set in her ways and to be honest, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Extremely toxic.

Relationships are not about abuse, control, or calling your partner names and hurling insults their way. The fact that you seem to think that this is somehow normal or what marriage is about is really disturbing. This woman is abusive, yet you write that you don't want to do the only thing that has to be done - dump her and whatever you do, do not move in. Also, there is nothing cultural about being an abusive control freak. It's an individual problem and something to stay far away from.

If you are not willing to part ways, then I guess buckle up, because the abuse has just begun and all you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. Expect for things to get much much worse for you in the future and don't be surprised when she continues to control even more, call you names even more and eventually physically attacks you and starts throwing things at your head because.....you didn't put your shoes in the exact right place at the exact right angle or if you did that, don't worry, she'll find or make up some other reason just as absurd to attack you over. Abusers like to hurt people and they are very good at finding people like you - someone who is not very clear on what's right and wrong and not likely to stand up for themselves about it, aka easy to guilt and manipulate.

Your relationship sounds toxic and her behaviour is abusive. Calling you "less than human", a dog and a monkey is disrespectful in all cultures. She is disrespectful. Imo, the best thing is to break up and go your separate ways. You need to rethink your boundaries. Calling you names and not letting you make your own decisions should be deal-breakers. No matter the culture.

It sounds like most of the relationship was long distance. You're just learning about the real people that both of you are without the buffer of all that distance. Her cutesy personality and charm from afar isn't so good looking now and neither is your long distance charm working with her. It's a big wake up call.

I don't agree with the name calling and belittling you but if we turn the story the other way around, no one knows what you say to her too in person and she may feel devalued around you also or like your lack of attention to detail is a direct reflection of how much (or how little) thought you put into whatever you do. Some people take this kind of stuff personally on a whole other level.

There just doesn't seem like enough understanding or like either of you have spent enough quality time in person around each other.

It's been four years and you've only found out about her preferences when it comes to decorating and cig butts on the balcony now? What does she really think about your smoking in general?

I'd say give it time to simmer down and for the dust to settle. Never do anything in a huff and a puff. Are you ok to move out on your own and support yourself in Okinawa? Or will you move back England if you break up with her? What's in it for you in Okinawa besides her?

The problem I see here is that maybe you are incompatible because you grate on each other's nerves in a pretty bad way. Everyone has some annoying traits and habits, but when you're in a relationship, they shouldn't annoy to the point of calling your partner "dog", "monkey" and whatever other insults. That is abusive and rude. I'm not sure whether in Japanese culture the woman is meant to be in charge of the household and decorating, etc. But even if that was the case, she sounds overly controlling and very uptight. So what if you left your cigarettes on the balcony. Big deal! And she has no right to criticize what you want to buy for yourself. If it's not super extravagant and costs too much money, why can't you buy whatever you want? I don't think any of this sounds very good to be honest.

You need to make her your ex-girlfriend ASAP. She's nit picky, controlling and engages in name calling which is unacceptable. It's time to call it quits and breakup.

This is one of the problems with long distance relationships - you never really know the person until you date face-to-face.

The good news is, she yells at you in a different language so you don't have to hear it, lol!!!!

And some guys, like Trump, want a mail order bride - this thread just goes to show that things are no better across the pond.

It sounds like she's high maintenance. Don't marry her unless you like living in pain. Love is not enough, and a person with problems can make love die in time. They have to be nice and easy to get along with to be a good catch.

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And some guys, like Trump, want a mail order bride