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Thread: My marriage or my lover

  1. #1

    My marriage or my lover

    Hey I'm new to this, and really wanting someone to talk to... I've been married to my wife for just under 2 years. We've been separated for 2 months now, i ended things with my wife because she just didn't put any effort into our marriage or even our relationship over the past 11 years! It was seriously like having a child.. Not long after we called things off my best friend told me her feelings for me and how she had always wanted me, so we have now started a relationship that has been going on for several weeks! My feelings for her are so strong and I can see a future with her! I've never felt this happy before with her... In the meantime my wife has been trying her hardest to get me back! I visited her yesterday and I can tell how sorry and heartbroken she is. She wants another chance to show how she has now changed! I'm now stuck in a position we're I don't know what to do now... Do I stay with my new lover who has shown me what it's like to feel loved or do I give my wife a second chance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    First thing I think you should do is get yourself into therapy to help you to figure out why you would marry someone who you were not happy with for 11 YEARS no less.

    Then, step away from your lover because surely a few stolen moments together do not equal love but rather lust and infatuation which you mistake for love. I'm sure your crush has made your marriage seem worse than it actually is... why else would you stay with your then partner for 9 years and then go onto marry them if you were never happy and you thought they weren't putting in an effort?

    You need help with a professional to figure yourself out before you choose anyone.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't stay married and use the new lover/friend in the crossfire of your decision. It hasn't worked in 11 years and you are separated. Why not just proceed to divorce?
    Originally Posted by Claire1205
    I've been married to my wife for just under 2 years. We've been separated for 2 months now. Not long after we called things off my best friend told me her feelings for me and how she had always wanted me, so we have now started a relationship that has been going on for several weeks. Do I stay with my new lover who has shown me what it's like to feel loved or do I give my wife a second chance.

  4. #4
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    I vote for neither choice.

    You had a female best friend that was flaming for ya while married?

    And you were unaware of this?

    Yet the marital problem was your wife's childishness?

    I think you need some time thinking of your life decisions away from either woman, or others. And do get a divorce.

    After that? think of romance, not before then.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Claire1205

    I ended things with my wife because she just didn't put any effort into our marriage or even our relationship over the past 11 years!

    Not long after we called things off my best friend told me her feelings for me and how she had always wanted me, so we have now started a relationship that has been going on for several weeks.

    In the meantime my wife has been trying her hardest to get me back! I visited her yesterday and I can tell how sorry and heartbroken she is. She wants another chance to show how she has now changed!
    Why did you marry someone after a 9 year relationship if you felt she didn’t put any effort into it?
    The reason you separated according to you is because of that. Why now? Isn’t that very unfair of you to tell her that 11 years later??? Or if you did attempt to tell her 10, 8, 6, 4 years ago and it fell on deaf ears , wouldn’t that have been a reason to split then???
    So why didn’t you??

    After you split and not long after , your best friend told you she always wanted you. How long have you known this person for ? Why was she in your opinion your best friend? And not a girl you have spent 11 years with?

    I realise you are calling her your best friend , but a best friend would NEVER make a move on you soon after ending an 11 year relationship. EVER!
    And you being her “best friend” while in an 11 year relationship and recently separated should have more respect for her and yourself to know this is rebound only.

    So basically you are not “best” friends. Just 2 people feeling lonely and in the meantime not giving a care about who else might be hurt by this including yourselves.

    What you actually need to do , is consider if your breakdown in your relationship was solely the responsibility of your wife or if you actually had a part in in that play?
    Did this “best friend” play a role? Did you ever confide in her about your relationship? If you did , that’s poor!

    Step away and I don’t mean a baby step , I mean a huge giant step away from your supposed best friend.
    She is a troll under the bridge at this point.

    Tread carefully !

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You blame your wife for all of the problems in your marriage and feel they will be solved by jumping into another relationship immediately after?

    I will send you my ex husband's number, he can tell you how well that worked out for him. And it was with a friend from high school too

    OP you are happy and excited because it's brand new... brand new relationships are super fun! A year, 6 months, or 90 days from now... you will still be there with all of the issues that contributed to your unhappy marriage and realize that this new woman hasn't done what you thought she would which is to fill your void of feeling loved.

    At the end of the day if you want to have some fun then have some fun... but don't use these women to try and make yourself feel better or to fix whatever is wrong with you. Focus on figuring out what you need to do for yourself in order to be a fulfilled and whole human being.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Take care of one mess at a time. If you absolutely refuse to salvage your marriage by seeking professional marriage counseling with your wife, get a divorce. Then have your lover to your heart's desire.

    Remember, you're still legally married to your wife.

    I would give your wife a second chance. Don't throw 11 years away. Try to save your marriage and if it fails, then pick up with your lover right where you left off. Do things in order.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Do I stay with my new lover who has shown me what it's like to feel loved or do I give my wife a second chance!
    Your "new lover" may eventually show you the door once she realizes she may be standing in your wife's shoes at some point. On the other hand, you may be doing the same dance when it dawns on you how she took on the role of your accomplice while knowing you were married. A match made in heaven!

    The only victim here is your wife, who deserves more than what you're dishing out.

  10. #9

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    Marriage bro, that's the best choice.
    I really recommend marital counseling as well. Counselling will help you and your wife come back stronger, marriage-wise.
    I'm doubtful that a relationship with your friend will end well; even less likely an 11year relationship with her. I highly doubt those 11 years were as bad as you're trying to convince yourself. I doubt even more that that you and this new girl will hit the high notes you and your wife found.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you're still confused and in pain after the break from your marriage, this is no time to be dating someone new. Just pay attention to your emotions and your own confusion. They should tell you everything you need to know. It's a good time to spend more time on your own, breathe, relax, enjoy time with friends and family and do more things for you.

    Be kind to yourself. This is no way to live.

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