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Thread: Improbable scenario - to trust or not to trust

  1. #11
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    Honestly, if you have not met him by now, I would say "I know you are very busy. How about you look me up when you are settled back in town and would like to go to coffee. I am going to be signing off until then." And stick to it. And then meet other men. If he never contacts you, you then know he is married, he lives overseas, etc, or is catfishing you.

  2. #12
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    I donít know. I donít remember how this came up. But at some point we talked about one night stands. Basically he said he tried casual sex and didnít like to. Responding to my comment that it is not my preference since it tends to be less fulfilling.

    I honestly donít care - save you arenít careless. But assuming his story checks out, I imagine it would be easy enough for him to do so. He also was cheated on and that is part of the reason for his divorce. Based on our conversations he seems to be a relationship guy.

    At this point I have talked to him a lot. His timing lines up with my insomnia time of year and the supposed time difference lines up pretty neatly to my bedtime = his afternoon break time. So weíve had some in depth conversations in the last 2 weeks. Moving beyond the shorter text convos. Which of course is why I feel like I do know him.

    He is definitely trying pretty hard to show he is not a scammer. So I guess my feeling is, if he was, it would be extraordinarily elaborate. But his profession is one that is probably impossible for laypeople to evaluate.

    The backstory he has is that he lived his adult life in France. And his ex-wife picked up and moved to the US with their kid around 18 months ago. And he then moved to be closer to the kid a some months later. He was busy getting settled in and then realized he was ready to start dating again dipping his toes into online dating. His job is one that is project based, portable, and remote.

    I connected to him on an app I had signed up for years ago and completely forgot about. It is one where you can only see messages if one of you pays. He was paying. And no longer is - when I logged in to review his profile.

    I have set up a mental deadline for beginning of December to meet or just be text buddies. But he is hoping to be back in town by the weekend and would like to meet up ASAP (supposedly of course).

    The biggest flag for me is that he seems quite smitten without meeting yet. But I have also shared good amount of the real me in our conversations. But he is also from a background where people fall fast and are very expressive, of course they fall out just as fast. So it adds a grain of salt.

    Everything he has said has been very consistent in the details which is a positive indicator.

    So I guess Iíll see if we meet up over the weekend.

  3. #13
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    He sounds ordinary and nothing at all 'too good to be true.'

    Also, you need to meet him asap. Right now you are wasting your time.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    Well I guess the words he is saying are what too me seems too good to be true.

    Stuff like ďI love that you are smart and inquisitive.Ē

    In response to my commenting I donít cook much because I am too busy/out too often - ďoh, you are busy, I can cook for you.Ē

    Also said things that were very much the supportive things you would do with a friend.

    He offered to grab a gift for me (I think it is cultural - he is not from the US) on his way back from his trip. I tell him it is not necessary. He insisted. I asked for something tiny - what youíd bring to coworkers. He asked me if that was it, since it was a very small item.

    This guy is very persistent and keeping his word. Calling if he says he is going to on so on. Would not be deterred from me giving him the brush off, or telling him to temper expectations.

    Based on where I live and the dating scene? I know a lot of people who have not had a relationship for awhile. They are fine people. We live in a place where so many people my age do not remotely want to commit at all. He also seemed quite heart broken over his divorce, and took time off to heal (provided it all checks out).

    I know I personally am very much the same person over all forms of communication (this is not a self assessment, but validated from others) so I am pretty straightforward. It is 100% possible to get to know me decently well prior to meeting. This is not true of everyone of course, but our conversations moved beyond the pleasantries.

    At this point he does feel like and actual friend. Which is a reasonable base for a relationship. But sure he may just be after a phone or text buddy. Push comes to shove when we meet. If it happens.

    He has said the travel would end for the next few months and he plans to taper the international trips. But I honestly do not have issues if someone leaves for a few weeks at a time. I have plenty to do in my social life. It seems that he travels around 4 months out of the year.

    Anyway these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.

    I hate online dating. I have met many insincere people, flaky people, friendly people and a full spectrum. I typically try to meet up fast and stop responding. In this case I have gone about it 100% opposite of my normal. Maybe itíll lead to a different result.
    The stuff he says is kinda generic actually.

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  6. #15
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    From the way you're defending him and the situation it seems you are already squarely on "hopeful".

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are his trips abroad to be with his wife and kids? It would be best to let this die down, he's not interested in meeting and he could be texting you from the bathroom in his wife's house.

    Don't waste any more time on this. You seem to be getting sucked into it as if this were some sort of relationship. Delete and block him. Start messaging and meeting local real-life men.
    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    met an online dating guy 8 weeks ago, we haven't met because he has been gone for 6 weeks. moved to my area at beginning of the year from abroad. he is upset and and is like "I'm not a scammer, I really like you. I want to give this a try, I think we have a real connection and future."

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    Would you be worried or hopeful?
    I would be neither. I think your main worry should be the way that you fill information gaps with conjecture, reassure yourself of his supposed good character, and write off your legitimate worries.

    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    I decided he was a bored business traveler - he didn't yet have local friends, and was probably lonely after having a wife to care about for so long or something.
    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    Behavior is matching up with his words.
    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    long trips interspersed with long breaks would make sense for his job. He would be done traveling for several months, so I am not worried about time commitments when he returns.
    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    I assume as a long term married person, he has some self-awareness on feelings and isn't saying something just for securing a hookup. He is a good looking guy, should have no trouble getting casual sex if he wants it. He said he prefers sex in a relationship and hasn't had any for 18 months.
    You're not leaving yourself any options.

    It's way too soon to decide he's great.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by GirlontheLam
    Well I guess the words he is saying are what too me seems too good to be true.

    Stuff like ďI love that you are smart and inquisitive.Ē

    In response to my commenting I donít cook much because I am too busy/out too often - ďoh, you are busy, I can cook for you.Ē

    Also said things that were very much the supportive things you would do with a friend.
    Yes, well these are responses that anyone not brain dead would know is what you would want to hear. A genuine response to your statement that you don't cook would likely be. "Oh really, so what and where do you usually get your food, everyone has to eat?"
    "I love that you are smart and inquisitive" Well, is that not flattery that he would suspect that any women would love to hear. He doesn't know you well enough to actually ascertain that you are smart. Being inquisitive is natural to anyone when they are trying to get to know someone and are asking questions.

    He offered to grab a gift for me (I think it is cultural - he is not from the US) on his way back from his trip. I tell him it is not necessary. He insisted. I asked for something tiny - what youíd bring to coworkers. He asked me if that was it, since it was a very small item.
    You should have left it at "that won't be necessary" You have never met this man. Why would you want anything from him. Men who buy strangers a gift are akin to "Little girl would you like some candy" as far as I'm concerned. He's never met you and that should have been a red flag to you about his inappropriateness and NEED to get you emotionally invested before you've even met.

    This guy is very persistent
    Yes, another red flag. He should be more "persistent" in meeting you.
    and keeping his word. Calling if he says he is going to on so on.
    .. yes and cancelling when you were meant to meet. Another flag.
    Would not be deterred from me giving him the brush off, or telling him to temper expectations.
    ... and yet a glaring red flag. He does not respect your boundaries. Big red flag that one.

    Based on where I live and the dating scene? I know a lot of people who have not had a relationship for awhile. They are fine people.
    Perhaps but you shouldn't be assuming that he's one of them until you actually get to know him in real life not based on the words he tells you that he would know you want to hear.

    We live in a place where so many people my age do not remotely want to commit at all. He also seemed quite heart broken over his divorce, and took time off to heal (provided it all checks out).
    If he wasn't upset his marriage ended then that would be another red flag. What does it matter what people where you live have as a dating goal. What is YOUR end dating goal and why are you getting so involved emotionally to a man you've yet to meet? Keep it real... you do not know him.

    I know I personally am very much the same person over all forms of communication (this is not a self assessment, but validated from others) so I am pretty straightforward. It is 100% possible to get to know me decently well prior to meeting. This is not true of everyone of course, but our conversations moved beyond the pleasantries.
    You are naive at best and that will be a detriment to you as you navigate through the what is often the cesspool of online dating.

    At this point he does feel like and actual friend. Which is a reasonable base for a relationship. But sure he may just be after a phone or text buddy. Push comes to shove when we meet. If it happens.
    The least of your worries is a text or phone buddy but you don't seem to be wanting to see that. We can lead a horse to water but we can't make it drink comes to mind.

    He has said the travel would end for the next few months and he plans to taper the international trips. But I honestly do not have issues if someone leaves for a few weeks at a time. I have plenty to do in my social life. It seems that he travels around 4 months out of the year.
    Yes and I wouldn't put it past him that he has one on the hook like you in every port.

    Anyway these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.
    And these are mine based just on what you've shared. The yellow/red flags are there, don't ignore them because you have become infatuated with a stranger based on words without actions to back them up as his truth.

    I hate online dating. I have met many insincere people, flaky people, friendly people and a full spectrum. I typically try to meet up fast and stop responding. In this case I have gone about it 100% opposite of my normal. Maybe itíll lead to a different result.
    Just let go of your premature infatuation and hopefully you'll be able to navigate the flags without getting whipped by them.

    Keep us posted if you have time... it will be interesting to see how things go.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    In answer to your original question... neither. When I was doing OLD I shut down "relationships" with people that didn't want to meet within one to two weeks of matching... if it was just a matter of timing, I asked them to hit me up once they got back / got less busy / whatever and in almost every case I never heard from them again.

    I mean the guy his clearly trying to reel you into a relationship... he doesn't want you to forget about him while he is away... wants to keep you on the hook until he decides he is ready to meet you in person... if you like this sort of thing then go for it... personally I find that sort of thing controlling and manipulative and a little bit needy... would rather spend time and energy on dating people that want to meet in person and are in the same place in life as I am when it comes to a relationship.

  11. #20
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    Treat this as if you are meeting a complete stranger to see if in the future you should go on a real date. He is for all practical, safety and romantic purposes a stranger.

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