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Improbable scenario - to trust or not to trust


GirlontheLam

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I've got a crazy situation going that has my head spinning. Let me recap and get some second options. Long read alert.

 

TL;DR: met an online dating guy 8 weeks ago, we haven't met because he has been gone for 6 weeks. He texts/calls daily. We've gotten to know each other well. He is beyond smitten, seems to good to be true. I want to be hopeful, but also feel skeptical. First meeting is tentative for the weekend.

 

I'm in my late 30s, he's in his late 40s. 10 year age gap. Me: not married, he is divorced with a kid. Was married for 15+ years, now divorced for 4. Has only casually dated since divorce, moved to my area at beginning of the year from abroad.

 

Background and timeline:

We matched on a dating site in late August, he was not my type but attractive. I was bored so I said yes. We exchanged some basic messages - good surface level compatibility. We transitioned to text. I was not sure, but he had an interesting job and I like to to talk to new people. He started texting regularly with a check-in every couple of days. We chatted on the phone for a bit and scheduled a tentative date. It was around a week out, because I happened to be traveling/busy.

 

The conversation continued over text with get to know you questions. All going well. A few days before the date, I realized I had a family thing, so I wanted to reschedule for later in that weekend. He agreed and the day before he told me he would reach out when he finished up a prior engagement. He texted me to say it ran over, so he was unable to meet. I told him to ping me when he is available. The next day he apologized profusely and told me he had a really last minute work trip.

 

He goes silent for a couple of days. Then he reaches out to give me an update on the work trip. And says he has another one for a week. I was like - ok whatever reach out when you are free. He kept texting me during the trip. And while I wasn't sure about him, I wanted to be nosy about his work. So I asked him questions. And he somewhat shared, but was more focused on getting to know me.

 

At this point he is texting really regularly and I am kinda confused. I decided he was a bored business traveler - he didn't yet have local friends, and was probably lonely after having a wife to care about for so long or something. I had a bunch of volunteer drama going on, and I needed another perspective, so I decided to test the waters on using him as a sounding board. He was eager and receptive.

 

Anyway at the end of that week, he tells me he is really interested in going out he really likes me, but he has a 4 week trip abroad that is really important. So he'd like to connect when he is back from the trip. This conversation happened over the phone and he really wanted to talk live about it. I tell him, ok - just reach out when you get back. No pressure.

 

And this prefaces where we are now.

So he arrives to this trip, and then his pattern totally changes. Suddenly he is very boyfriend-y. He is checking in daily. Asking me about the volunteer drama I shared. Asking more getting to know you questions, and recalling information previously shared. Basically gigantic signs of interest. Not quite to love bombing status, but close. So I start thinking - what is this guy's scam. Why is he so attached? I am definitely skeptical, as you can imagine. He is starting to sound too good to be true.

 

So I decide to call him on it. And he is upset and and is like "I'm not a scammer, I really like you. I want to give this a try, I think we have a real connection and future." And he continues acting super devoted. Making sure to check in when I wake up and before I got to sleep. We have more phone conversations. Really all seeming too good to be true. Phone chemistry is good. Behavior is matching up with his words. We have sort of exchanged pics - I saw his profile pics. He sent me a video with his son and him. He sent me a few candids. So it seems like he matches the photos - would be hard to fake.

 

I was probably a little evil and testing him some in the get to know you process, and he didn't seem to waiver or flinch and seems very genuine about getting to know the real me, flaws and all.

 

So he is wrapping up the trip this week, and we have tentative dinner plans for the weekend. So I guess I'll know if it checks out this week. I'm excited, cautious, worried, and skeptical.

 

*Re: travel - if he is not lying then long trips interspersed with long breaks would make sense for his job. He would be done traveling for several months, so I am not worried about time commitments when he returns.

**Re: feelings - I assume as a long term married person, he has some self-awareness on feelings and isn't saying something just for securing a hookup. He is a good looking guy, should have no trouble getting casual sex if he wants it. He said he prefers sex in a relationship and hasn't had any for 18 months.

 

Would you be worried or hopeful?

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Would you be worried or hopeful?

 

My short answer is: neither.

 

I'd consider it to be exactly what it is: a first meet up with someone you don't know. Could go a million different ways, but with the stakes so low it kind of doesn't matter (save some awful experiences that are easy to avoid by meeting in public, etc.).

 

The generous read here is that neither of you are used to dating apps, and so you've done the thing a lot of people do with the apps: mistaking them for dating someone, as opposed to setting up a date. Happens. More common than improbable, honestly. At this juncture, I'd just recognize all that, exhale all the nerves and projections and suspicions, and say hi, see how it goes.

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Would you be worried or hopeful?

 

Okay, firstly, don't get so wrapped up and invested in a guy you have not even met yet.

 

Why be worried or hopeful? Just go into it with an open mind, no pressure and see what happens and don't sleep with him at the first opportunity. (Oh and obviously take safety precautions when meeting a stranger, like public spaces, getting friends to check in with you, etc)

 

Find out if the traveling is going to be an ongoing issue. And if so, be honest about whether you are okay with that. I would suggest that it is not a good idea to basically get into a LDR with a man when you do not have at least a few months together to get to know each other in person properly. To give you an extreme example, my boss worked in a company that sends most of its employees overseas for 2-5 years, often to destitute and dangerous countries in Africa. He met his girlfriend at university, so they had several years of time to build a very solid relationship before his tour of West Africa began. It was 3 very difficult years apart for them, with him only able to come home once a year... but they made it because of the foundation they built for 5+ years beforehand.

 

You can't build anything on loose foundations.

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as you can imagine. He is starting to sound too good to be true.
Wait, what? There is nothing in that opening post that makes me imagine it being to good to be true. In fact, he's yet to meet you and has made an excuse the only time you had a date planned and add to the face He's away a lot, has not been in a serious relationship in 4 years and it's sounding rather, if not red flaggy, then perhaps yellow flaggy at best.

 

Keeping in touch via text and the odd phone call is just preamble to an actual meet. Don't let the superficial means of contact make you believe you have more going on with him then actually is. You DO.NOT.KNOW.HIM. So disregard everything so far as nothing more than superficial keeping the bait on the hook or you will find yourself moving too quickly before you REALLY know who he is while naiving thinking you really know him well. You don't!

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Keeping in touch via text and the odd phone call is just preamble to an actual meet. Don't let the superficial means of contact make you believe you have more going on with him then actually is. You DO.NOT.KNOW.HIM. So disregard everything so far as nothing more than superficial keeping the bait on the hook or you will find yourself moving too quickly before you REALLY know who he is while naiving thinking you really know him well. You don't!

 

Totally agree.

 

You don't know him until you have met him, got to know him organically, met his friends and family etc... that's what the dating process is for. You can't really get to know somebody through texts and phone calls. Words can deceive. Profile pictures are just superficial.

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If someone was able to keep you around for almost two months over texts and calls and promises of an actual meet and they sound "too good to be true".... I would say you really need to rethink your online dating standards and listen to your gut. Not saying you can't be hopeful because we all know online dating can work but it's also a pool of incessant piss and poo.

 

Any way it's too late for any of us to tell you how not to feel because you will be unable to help those mix feelings after all the investment. So just go with an open mind because hey, he might be everything he told you. But don't be surprise if he cancels or he's not what you expected.

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Well I guess the words he is saying are what too me seems too good to be true.

 

Stuff like “I love that you are smart and inquisitive.”

 

In response to my commenting I don’t cook much because I am too busy/out too often - “oh, you are busy, I can cook for you.”

 

Also said things that were very much the supportive things you would do with a friend.

 

He offered to grab a gift for me (I think it is cultural - he is not from the US) on his way back from his trip. I tell him it is not necessary. He insisted. I asked for something tiny - what you’d bring to coworkers. He asked me if that was it, since it was a very small item.

 

This guy is very persistent and keeping his word. Calling if he says he is going to on so on. Would not be deterred from me giving him the brush off, or telling him to temper expectations.

 

Based on where I live and the dating scene? I know a lot of people who have not had a relationship for awhile. They are fine people. We live in a place where so many people my age do not remotely want to commit at all. He also seemed quite heart broken over his divorce, and took time off to heal (provided it all checks out).

 

I know I personally am very much the same person over all forms of communication (this is not a self assessment, but validated from others) so I am pretty straightforward. It is 100% possible to get to know me decently well prior to meeting. This is not true of everyone of course, but our conversations moved beyond the pleasantries.

 

At this point he does feel like and actual friend. Which is a reasonable base for a relationship. But sure he may just be after a phone or text buddy. Push comes to shove when we meet. If it happens.

 

He has said the travel would end for the next few months and he plans to taper the international trips. But I honestly do not have issues if someone leaves for a few weeks at a time. I have plenty to do in my social life. It seems that he travels around 4 months out of the year.

 

Anyway these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.

 

I hate online dating. I have met many insincere people, flaky people, friendly people and a full spectrum. I typically try to meet up fast and stop responding. In this case I have gone about it 100% opposite of my normal. Maybe it’ll lead to a different result.

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Honestly, if you have not met him by now, I would say "I know you are very busy. How about you look me up when you are settled back in town and would like to go to coffee. I am going to be signing off until then." And stick to it. And then meet other men. If he never contacts you, you then know he is married, he lives overseas, etc, or is catfishing you.

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I don’t know. I don’t remember how this came up. But at some point we talked about one night stands. Basically he said he tried casual sex and didn’t like to. Responding to my comment that it is not my preference since it tends to be less fulfilling.

 

I honestly don’t care - save you aren’t careless. But assuming his story checks out, I imagine it would be easy enough for him to do so. He also was cheated on and that is part of the reason for his divorce. Based on our conversations he seems to be a relationship guy.

 

At this point I have talked to him a lot. His timing lines up with my insomnia time of year and the supposed time difference lines up pretty neatly to my bedtime = his afternoon break time. So we’ve had some in depth conversations in the last 2 weeks. Moving beyond the shorter text convos. Which of course is why I feel like I do know him.

 

He is definitely trying pretty hard to show he is not a scammer. So I guess my feeling is, if he was, it would be extraordinarily elaborate. But his profession is one that is probably impossible for laypeople to evaluate.

 

The backstory he has is that he lived his adult life in France. And his ex-wife picked up and moved to the US with their kid around 18 months ago. And he then moved to be closer to the kid a some months later. He was busy getting settled in and then realized he was ready to start dating again dipping his toes into online dating. His job is one that is project based, portable, and remote.

 

I connected to him on an app I had signed up for years ago and completely forgot about. It is one where you can only see messages if one of you pays. He was paying. And no longer is - when I logged in to review his profile.

 

I have set up a mental deadline for beginning of December to meet or just be text buddies. But he is hoping to be back in town by the weekend and would like to meet up ASAP (supposedly of course).

 

The biggest flag for me is that he seems quite smitten without meeting yet. But I have also shared good amount of the real me in our conversations. But he is also from a background where people fall fast and are very expressive, of course they fall out just as fast. So it adds a grain of salt.

 

Everything he has said has been very consistent in the details which is a positive indicator.

 

So I guess I’ll see if we meet up over the weekend.

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Well I guess the words he is saying are what too me seems too good to be true.

 

Stuff like “I love that you are smart and inquisitive.”

 

In response to my commenting I don’t cook much because I am too busy/out too often - “oh, you are busy, I can cook for you.”

 

Also said things that were very much the supportive things you would do with a friend.

 

He offered to grab a gift for me (I think it is cultural - he is not from the US) on his way back from his trip. I tell him it is not necessary. He insisted. I asked for something tiny - what you’d bring to coworkers. He asked me if that was it, since it was a very small item.

 

This guy is very persistent and keeping his word. Calling if he says he is going to on so on. Would not be deterred from me giving him the brush off, or telling him to temper expectations.

 

Based on where I live and the dating scene? I know a lot of people who have not had a relationship for awhile. They are fine people. We live in a place where so many people my age do not remotely want to commit at all. He also seemed quite heart broken over his divorce, and took time off to heal (provided it all checks out).

 

I know I personally am very much the same person over all forms of communication (this is not a self assessment, but validated from others) so I am pretty straightforward. It is 100% possible to get to know me decently well prior to meeting. This is not true of everyone of course, but our conversations moved beyond the pleasantries.

 

At this point he does feel like and actual friend. Which is a reasonable base for a relationship. But sure he may just be after a phone or text buddy. Push comes to shove when we meet. If it happens.

 

He has said the travel would end for the next few months and he plans to taper the international trips. But I honestly do not have issues if someone leaves for a few weeks at a time. I have plenty to do in my social life. It seems that he travels around 4 months out of the year.

 

Anyway these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.

 

I hate online dating. I have met many insincere people, flaky people, friendly people and a full spectrum. I typically try to meet up fast and stop responding. In this case I have gone about it 100% opposite of my normal. Maybe it’ll lead to a different result.

 

The stuff he says is kinda generic actually.

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Are his trips abroad to be with his wife and kids? It would be best to let this die down, he's not interested in meeting and he could be texting you from the bathroom in his wife's house.

 

Don't waste any more time on this. You seem to be getting sucked into it as if this were some sort of relationship. Delete and block him. Start messaging and meeting local real-life men.

met an online dating guy 8 weeks ago, we haven't met because he has been gone for 6 weeks. moved to my area at beginning of the year from abroad. he is upset and and is like "I'm not a scammer, I really like you. I want to give this a try, I think we have a real connection and future."
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Would you be worried or hopeful?

 

I would be neither. I think your main worry should be the way that you fill information gaps with conjecture, reassure yourself of his supposed good character, and write off your legitimate worries.

 

I decided he was a bored business traveler - he didn't yet have local friends, and was probably lonely after having a wife to care about for so long or something.

 

Behavior is matching up with his words.

 

long trips interspersed with long breaks would make sense for his job. He would be done traveling for several months, so I am not worried about time commitments when he returns.

 

I assume as a long term married person, he has some self-awareness on feelings and isn't saying something just for securing a hookup. He is a good looking guy, should have no trouble getting casual sex if he wants it. He said he prefers sex in a relationship and hasn't had any for 18 months.

 

You're not leaving yourself any options.

 

It's way too soon to decide he's great.

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Well I guess the words he is saying are what too me seems too good to be true.

 

Stuff like “I love that you are smart and inquisitive.”

 

In response to my commenting I don’t cook much because I am too busy/out too often - “oh, you are busy, I can cook for you.”

 

Also said things that were very much the supportive things you would do with a friend.

Yes, well these are responses that anyone not brain dead would know is what you would want to hear. A genuine response to your statement that you don't cook would likely be. "Oh really, so what and where do you usually get your food, everyone has to eat?"

"I love that you are smart and inquisitive" Well, is that not flattery that he would suspect that any women would love to hear. He doesn't know you well enough to actually ascertain that you are smart. Being inquisitive is natural to anyone when they are trying to get to know someone and are asking questions.

 

He offered to grab a gift for me (I think it is cultural - he is not from the US) on his way back from his trip. I tell him it is not necessary. He insisted. I asked for something tiny - what you’d bring to coworkers. He asked me if that was it, since it was a very small item.
You should have left it at "that won't be necessary" You have never met this man. Why would you want anything from him. Men who buy strangers a gift are akin to "Little girl would you like some candy" as far as I'm concerned. He's never met you and that should have been a red flag to you about his inappropriateness and NEED to get you emotionally invested before you've even met.

 

This guy is very persistent
Yes, another red flag. He should be more "persistent" in meeting you.
and keeping his word. Calling if he says he is going to on so on.
.. yes and cancelling when you were meant to meet. Another flag.
Would not be deterred from me giving him the brush off, or telling him to temper expectations.
... and yet a glaring red flag. He does not respect your boundaries. Big red flag that one.

 

Based on where I live and the dating scene? I know a lot of people who have not had a relationship for awhile. They are fine people.
Perhaps but you shouldn't be assuming that he's one of them until you actually get to know him in real life not based on the words he tells you that he would know you want to hear.

 

We live in a place where so many people my age do not remotely want to commit at all. He also seemed quite heart broken over his divorce, and took time off to heal (provided it all checks out).
If he wasn't upset his marriage ended then that would be another red flag. What does it matter what people where you live have as a dating goal. What is YOUR end dating goal and why are you getting so involved emotionally to a man you've yet to meet? Keep it real... you do not know him.

 

I know I personally am very much the same person over all forms of communication (this is not a self assessment, but validated from others) so I am pretty straightforward. It is 100% possible to get to know me decently well prior to meeting. This is not true of everyone of course, but our conversations moved beyond the pleasantries.
You are naive at best and that will be a detriment to you as you navigate through the what is often the cesspool of online dating.

 

At this point he does feel like and actual friend. Which is a reasonable base for a relationship. But sure he may just be after a phone or text buddy. Push comes to shove when we meet. If it happens.
The least of your worries is a text or phone buddy but you don't seem to be wanting to see that. We can lead a horse to water but we can't make it drink comes to mind.

 

He has said the travel would end for the next few months and he plans to taper the international trips. But I honestly do not have issues if someone leaves for a few weeks at a time. I have plenty to do in my social life. It seems that he travels around 4 months out of the year.
Yes and I wouldn't put it past him that he has one on the hook like you in every port.

 

Anyway these are just my thoughts on the whole thing.
And these are mine based just on what you've shared. The yellow/red flags are there, don't ignore them because you have become infatuated with a stranger based on words without actions to back them up as his truth.

 

I hate online dating. I have met many insincere people, flaky people, friendly people and a full spectrum. I typically try to meet up fast and stop responding. In this case I have gone about it 100% opposite of my normal. Maybe it’ll lead to a different result.
Just let go of your premature infatuation and hopefully you'll be able to navigate the flags without getting whipped by them.

 

Keep us posted if you have time... it will be interesting to see how things go.

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In answer to your original question... neither. When I was doing OLD I shut down "relationships" with people that didn't want to meet within one to two weeks of matching... if it was just a matter of timing, I asked them to hit me up once they got back / got less busy / whatever and in almost every case I never heard from them again.

 

I mean the guy his clearly trying to reel you into a relationship... he doesn't want you to forget about him while he is away... wants to keep you on the hook until he decides he is ready to meet you in person... if you like this sort of thing then go for it... personally I find that sort of thing controlling and manipulative and a little bit needy... would rather spend time and energy on dating people that want to meet in person and are in the same place in life as I am when it comes to a relationship.

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Girl.....you are being manipulated and it's working because you've already become invested emotionally.

 

He paid you some completely generic compliment - it shouldn't even hit your radar, yet you are flattered and smitten by that. How starved for attention are you that such a nothing feels like so much to you? Serious question because that makes you blind to dangerous people and I don't mean the typical Nigerian scammer of "oh look I'm traveling and my vallet got stolen and can you send me some money." No, I don't think he is a scammer like that. However, I do think you are mistaking some red flags for something positive and TWT outlined that in detail for you.

 

Also, "I'd love to cook for you.".....if I got a dollar for every time I heard a guy say this line....this tired cliche line that men should really delete from their bag of lines because it is that tired and pathetic.....yup, I'd be sitting sipping drinks on my personal tropical island right now. This pitiful line went straight to your heart????

 

Take a big step back and really seriously ask yourself what's going on with you that you are sooo vulnerable to such utter nothingness. It doesn't even qualify as flattery, but I'm afraid that all that chatting away, this man is learning a lot about you, where you are weak and knows how to say the exact right cheap thing to get under your skin. You should not feel flattered about that at all, you should be wary.

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Curious. How much experience do you have with on line dating?

 

Because unless someone hasn't already told you so, you need to learn this lesson one time and one time only:

 

There is a very large number of people who participate with online dating for nothing more than electronic entertainment.

 

He has all the hallmark signs of someone who has no intention of ever meeting you.

 

I hope for your sake I'm wrong, but this is as text book as it gets.

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The backstory he has is that he lived his adult life in France. And his ex-wife picked up and moved to the US with their kid around 18 months ago. And he then moved to be closer to the kid a some months later. He was busy getting settled in and then realized he was ready to start dating again dipping his toes into online dating. His job is one that is project based, portable, and remote.

 

I am betting he is still married. No one moves to another country WITH their ex. They were married 18 months ago. And he is newly separated or he is a married liar. If he truly wanted to prove he was not married, he would have met you. Even if he was only home 2 days in between business trips and it was for a quick coffee meet.

 

I am wondering if he is actually still living overseas...or is still married

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