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My friend who i have feelings for has met another guy she is liking


thatdevilsblue

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so my good friend who've had feelings for for a while now(and who I told my feelings to finally in person the day she got fired at from the resort her and I work at and where she lived on property) just met a guy in a town shes staying in at her friends a few hours north from me and shes quite liking him and gone on a few dates with him so far. Shes been adamant with everyone that shes wanted to remain single because of how her last ex treated her so this has come as a surprise and let down to me. I've been heart broken and upset about it. I talked to her about It the day I found out and she knows im upset and she feels terrible about it and her heart is hurting for me. When I told her my feelings when I did, it didn't push her away or ruin anything for us, but she was just still adamant on wanting to remain single. I just feel like maybe I wasn't good enough to maybe try anything more serious with. She said that she doesn't know if it will even end up turning into anything, that it may be just a thing and that she has short track record, is restless and can't stand still. I haven't spoken to her since that day a few days ago, I have no reason to reach out myself right now. I guess perhaps I should just give up and move on from pursuing her in that way even if nothing happens with her and that guy. I love her, and was there for her and with her after she got fired, crying with one another, helping her pack her employee housing (that was also the moment I expressed my feelings to her, both of us crying even more), gave her a really sentimental birthday present in September which she loved and was so thankful for, had her live with me for a little bit a few times after she got fired, had a bunch of fun, nice times and moments spent together just the two us....I just wish I could more to her!

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I'm afraid it looks like she doesn't feel the same way at all , she knows how you feel and has chosen to pursue someone else . As for the staying single and down playing it to you , I suspect she is just trying to spare your feelings .

 

But you know now and you can stop investing your time and effort into her . You will be ok .

 

well shes been adamant about staying single long before I told her my feelings and shes been vocal about it to everyone when relationship talk gets brought up, not necessarily directly to me

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Sorry about this.

 

People are often very adamant about staying single until...they meet someone. It’s just a hard fact—hard, especially, when you wanted to be that someone.

 

But it seems her feelings toward you are purely platonic. Probably best to just allow some distance right now, so your feelings can settle as you divest emotionally. If there is a genuine friendship here it can likely surface again once the dust settles.

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Sorry dude, she just used the "I want to stay single" thing as an excuse to not hurt you. People tend to be uncomfortable with telling the truth on this issue, both guys and girls. Maybe it is because they are empathetic and genuinely do not want to hurt you, or they simply do not want to feel the guilt of hurting somebody. It is just not nice to say, "Sorry I do not find you attractive at all."

 

Excuses I have heard,

"I think you are really cool, but I'm not ready to have a boyfriend".

"Sorry I don't think you are my type."

"I really like spending time with you, but I never thought of you in that way. Give me some time to think about it."

 

Excuses I have used,

"Sorry I'm not sure how long I will stay in this city."

"Sorry I've got too much going on in my life at the moment."

"I don't think we are compatible. I can't give you the life you want."

 

See my point? Don't get so attached to somebody who was never yours. You were in love with a fantasy, with what could have been. Take things one step at a time in the future.

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well shes been adamant about staying single long before I told her my feelings and shes been vocal about it to everyone when relationship talk gets brought up, not necessarily directly to me

 

That was probably because there wasn't anyone pursuing her that interested her the way this guy does. I don't say that to be unkind, but people who crow about staying single and often doing so almost as a defense mechanism because they don't currently have any prospects. It's rarely because they truly intend on staying single. They want people to believe they're single by choice, so that line supports a narrative that they seem to control. It's often an ego thing.

 

In any case, it doesn't change the bottom line here for you. She doesn't share your feelings and it's time for you to let go. It sucks, but there will be a woman out there who will reciprocate your affection and attention. This one isn't it.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she's not being sincere when she tells you "she wants to remain single", if in the same breath she's going on about her new hometown bf. Try to let go of this crush, she's not really your friend.

met a guy in a town shes staying in at her friends a few hours north from me and shes quite liking him and gone on a few dates with him so far. Shes been adamant with everyone that shes wanted to remain single
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Sorry dude, she just used the "I want to stay single" thing as an excuse to not hurt you. People tend to be uncomfortable with telling the truth on this issue, both guys and girls. Maybe it is because they are empathetic and genuinely do not want to hurt you, or they simply do not want to feel the guilt of hurting somebody. It is just not nice to say, "Sorry I do not find you attractive at all."

 

Excuses I have heard,

"I think you are really cool, but I'm not ready to have a boyfriend".

"Sorry I don't think you are my type."

"I really like spending time with you, but I never thought of you in that way. Give me some time to think about it."

 

Excuses I have used,

"Sorry I'm not sure how long I will stay in this city."

"Sorry I've got too much going on in my life at the moment."

"I don't think we are compatible. I can't give you the life you want."

 

See my point? Don't get so attached to somebody who was never yours. You were in love with a fantasy, with what could have been. Take things one step at a time in the future.

 

This is great insight.

 

People give all sorts of reasons for wanting to be in relationships that they don't really mean... they do it because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.

 

Your friend may not have expected to meet someone she was interested in so soon, or she may have been trying to let you down gently.

 

At the end of the day though know this... she doesn't want to date you. While that may hurt to hear, it's best to accept it and go on about your life not expecting more from her or you will constantly be disappointed.

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Sorry about this.

 

People are often very adamant about staying single until...they meet someone. It’s just a hard fact—hard, especially, when you wanted to be that someone.

 

But it seems her feelings toward you are purely platonic. Probably best to just allow some distance right now, so your feelings can settle as you divest emotionally. If there is a genuine friendship here it can likely surface again once the dust settles.

 

yes, we do have a genuine, close relationship

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Sorry dude, she just used the "I want to stay single" thing as an excuse to not hurt you. People tend to be uncomfortable with telling the truth on this issue, both guys and girls. Maybe it is because they are empathetic and genuinely do not want to hurt you, or they simply do not want to feel the guilt of hurting somebody. It is just not nice to say, "Sorry I do not find you attractive at all."

 

Excuses I have heard,

"I think you are really cool, but I'm not ready to have a boyfriend".

"Sorry I don't think you are my type."

"I really like spending time with you, but I never thought of you in that way. Give me some time to think about it."

 

Excuses I have used,

"Sorry I'm not sure how long I will stay in this city."

"Sorry I've got too much going on in my life at the moment."

"I don't think we are compatible. I can't give you the life you want."

 

See my point? Don't get so attached to somebody who was never yours. You were in love with a fantasy, with what could have been. Take things one step at a time in the future.

 

she was adamant (with everyone in general, not directly to me) about wanting to remain single long before I told her my feelings...and when I told her my feelings, she didn't say anything negative or give an excuse, she gave me a hug (as we were both crying) and said sorry because she was leaving the state due to her being fired from the place we work at

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It is just not nice to say, "Sorry I do not find you attractive at all."

 

I have turned down men that I found physically attractive, but there were other reasons i did not want to go out with them or date them.

It could be how we knew eachother (i considered them like a brother since we grew up as neighbors), their vices, general beliefs (not anything bad, but not compatible with mine) or personality. Or even because i just didn't want to go out.

They could be the catch of a lifetime for another woman.

 

She doesn't owe you any explanation other than that she considers you a friend

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yes, we do have a genuine, close relationship

 

It is not a good idea to become close friends with a girl you are romantically interested in. I have had a few close female friends, but they only worked because it was platonic. I saw them as friends, they saw me as friends. No more, no less. Even so, once I left university and especially once they became involved in serious relationships, those friendships faded as they ought to.

 

Building a close friendship with a girl you want to date is both manipulative from your end, and almost always doomed to failure. If you are romantically interested in a girl, express that interest before she puts you in the friend-zone. If she rejects you at one month after meeting, she is not going to change her mind after 6 months of carrying her bags, listening to her crying about douchey boyfriends, buying her birthday presents etc...

 

And certainly do not become so emotionally invested in somebody who is emotionally unavailable to you. Take things one step at a time. Neediness is a massive turn-off for girls.

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I'm sorry to hear this. I did mention not to continue any contact with her when she moved away in your other thread but you were sure about it. Just take one day at a time and meet new people when you feel ready. Each step forward is all about learning. I think it's a good idea to let go and let each other live fully.

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It is not a good idea to become close friends with a girl you are romantically interested in. I have had a few close female friends, but they only worked because it was platonic. I saw them as friends, they saw me as friends. No more, no less. Even so, once I left university and especially once they became involved in serious relationships, those friendships faded as they ought to.

 

Building a close friendship with a girl you want to date is both manipulative from your end, and almost always doomed to failure. If you are romantically interested in a girl, express that interest before she puts you in the friend-zone. If she rejects you at one month after meeting, she is not going to change her mind after 6 months of carrying her bags, listening to her crying about douchey boyfriends, buying her birthday presents etc...

 

And certainly do not become so emotionally invested in somebody who is emotionally unavailable to you. Take things one step at a time. Neediness is a massive turn-off for girls.

 

i became friends with her before i developed romantic interest in her

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I'm sorry to hear this. I did mention not to continue any contact with her when she moved away in your other thread but you were sure about it. Just take one day at a time and meet new people when you feel ready. Each step forward is all about learning. I think it's a good idea to let go and let each other live fully.

 

well not only did i keep in contact but she kept in contact with me too...it didn't ruin our friendship, it didn't scare her away from me...she even came to stay at my place recently for a week before she went back up north back to her friends place

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well not only did i keep in contact but she kept in contact with me too...it didn't ruin our friendship, it didn't scare her away from me...she even came to stay at my place recently for a week before she went back up north back to her friends place

 

Then she is irresponsible at best and possibly manipulative. Maybe she likes the attention, maybe she likes the ego-boost, maybe she likes the little favours you do for her and the little compliments you make. Maybe she just wanted to save some money on hotels. But if she knows how you feel about her and the feeling was not mutual, she should not be stringing you along. Irresponsible and cruel.

 

She has met a new guy, if she has any common sense about boundaries, and to help you move on, she should minimize any contact with you, and certainly not initiate any.

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Then she is irresponsible at best and possibly manipulative. Maybe she likes the attention, maybe she likes the ego-boost, maybe she likes the little favours you do for her and the little compliments you make. Maybe she just wanted to save some money on hotels. But if she knows how you feel about her and the feeling was not mutual, she should not be stringing you along. Irresponsible and cruel.

 

She has met a new guy, if she has any common sense about boundaries, and to help you move on, she should minimize any contact with you, and certainly not initiate any.

 

well she hasn't reached out to me since i talked to her last week about it when i found it, making me upset and her feeling terrible about it, but i haven't reached out to her either since...i have no reason to right now

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Then she is irresponsible at best and possibly manipulative. Maybe she likes the attention, maybe she likes the ego-boost, maybe she likes the little favours you do for her and the little compliments you make. Maybe she just wanted to save some money on hotels. But if she knows how you feel about her and the feeling was not mutual, she should not be stringing you along. Irresponsible and cruel.

 

She has met a new guy, if she has any common sense about boundaries, and to help you move on, she should minimize any contact with you, and certainly not initiate any.

 

Or after the confession and her rejection of him, she could have thought that was over and they were back to normal.... she was trying to treat him as always. if they are very young (college age) I could understand this dynamic, but if they are 40, i agree its manipulative.

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well she hasn't reached out to me since i talked to her last week about it when i found it, making me upset and her feeling terrible about it, but i haven't reached out to her either since...i have no reason to right now

 

That's for the best, OP.

 

It will hurt too much to be in close contact with her when you know she's dating someone else. You are wise to take a lot of space from her now.

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That's for the best, OP.

 

It will hurt too much to be in close contact with her when you know she's dating someone else. You are wise to take a lot of space from her now.

 

only thing that has happened is that shes "liked" a few pics I've posted on social media the past few days...I've refrained from liking anything shes posted!

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