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Any luck with no contact helping someone clarify/change their mind?


Plntldy22

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I (33F) just got dumped by my boyfriend (31M) of a little bit over a year.

 

To give the situation context - we work together and he had pursued me. We committed to one another after about 4 months of dating. He was never hesitant to introduce me to his family and we hung out with his friends on a regular basis. He was the best person I’ve ever been with, always affectionate and available. I never questioned him or how he felt about me. I genuinely thought he loved me and that our future would fall into place. He was my best friend and my home.

 

He had never told me he loved me, but I had been too scared to tell him too even though I knew I did. I was never scared because I didn’t believe he felt the same way.. I just felt like we’d both held off for so long that we sort of got stuck. I also come from a relatively troubled childhood that has caused me to be hesitant to openly talk about my feelings without being asked. I had planned on telling him on our 1 year, when we had made our relationship official.

 

A few weeks ago he had went to visit his family across the state. Seemed like a normal trip, we talked the whole time he was gone. Sunday he came back and after an awkward call, he came by to tell me he needed to talk. I could tell he was upset. He said his parents had brought up his future plans.. asked if he planned on living with me and he didn’t have an answer. They encouraged him to talk to me about how he was feeling. He said he felt like after a year, that he should know that he wants those things with me. He also brought up a friends wedding we had just went to and how if he were up there he wouldn’t know what to say. I was in shock. I had no idea he felt that way. He’d never given me any reason to believe his feelings had changed. He seemed unsure, so I gave him a few weeks to figure it out.

 

I had planned on minimal contact and while we talked significantly less, he continued to reach out to me almost everyday. I understand now why people say breaks are like a ty purgatory, but I love him and wanted to try to give him what I felt like he needed. I felt like the whole time I laid around feeling terrible and he spent time filling his days with stuff so he wouldn’t have to think about what happened. (Please don’t say he wanted to sleep with someone else. I’m very sure this was not the case).

 

We came back this past weekend to talk. He said it was the first thing he thought about in the morning and the last thing before he went to bed. He brought up that wedding again. (Unrelated, the wedding thing makes me kind of angry because he focuses on their vows, but doesn’t know their story. The couple is good now, but they had at first broken up because one party was unsure and wanted to explore someone else. Iconic I guess). He said that he thought maybe in those three weeks apart, that our future would start to formulate for him, but that it didn’t. I didn’t think that was what the break was for. I’m not sure something like that could change in 3 weeks and I thought the intention was more of a “did we want to try to work on things and move forward”.

 

I know I can’t force someone to love me, but the whole thing just feels so bad and wrong. I’ve had a few serious relationships.. and while the breakups hurt, I could always recognize faults in the person, as well as our relationship. I cried and was upset, but in the end I knew the decision was right, regardless of whether or not I was the dumper or the dumpee. This time doesn’t feel that way. It feels like we’re throwing away something so good. The way I feel about him is deep. I felt like we could always be our true selves around each other and I never wanted to change him. I trusted him with my entirety,

 

He told me he still wanted to be there for me, but I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore.. that it just hurt too much. It’s not that I don’t want to because I do, more than anything. It just hurts too much. So I guess I’m going no contact. I don’t know what else to do. I know it’s naive, but there’s part of me that hopes this will be the true break that he needs to figure out his stuff. I’m going to try to make it all the way through the holidays.. if at the end I feel like he’s still my future, I’ll consider reaching out.

 

I know everyone’s first response is to say to that when someone says they don’t see a future with you, that it’s a sign to leave. But does anyone have any stories about a change of heart? Is there any hope at all that no contact will bring us back? Could he have panicked about weddings and the idea of moving in together? He’s over 30 and has never lived with a significant other.

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It would be a bit irresponsible for anyone to give you hope at this point. That's just my opinion. You're grasping at straws and in a very painful situation right now. The only way through it is walking right through that fire and relearning to rebuild your life and love yourself. Be real with yourself and don't give yourself any delusions or illusions to hang on to. What are the facts? He's told you how he feels and he's shown you how he feels. Whether you're actively in a relationship or going through a break up, see things exactly the way they are - not based upon what you think they ought to be.

 

I think this is the kindest way to treat yourself. Be realistic and never lie to yourself about what's really going on.

 

Vent and chat and talk about it here, no matter how much it hurts. Don't go backwards and don't feed yourself any illusions. Stay away from get happy quick schemes and no contact internet schemes. Get reacquainted with yourself and start adjusting and getting a feel of your new reality and your new independence. You may be numb from absolute pain right now but feeling will slowly come back. Trust in yourself.

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I guess his discussion with his parents made him see this one year point as a watershed moment, and it sounds like he enjoyed the dating experience with you, but that he didn't feel strongly enough that you were "the one" to go further with as a potential lifetime partner. His parents probably pointed out how it was wrong to string you along if the signs were there that he didn't feel how he should be feeling after a year, to move ahead with you.

 

He had never told me he loved me, but I had been too scared to tell him too even though I knew I did If you're scared to communicate something of importance to your partner after a whole year together, your relationship wasn't as strong as you assumed. Making excuses for why he never told you he loved you is just painting the story with the stroke that works best for you. You're doing yourself a disservice by giving yourself false hope.

 

There was nothing to fix in the relationship, so why would time apart make any difference as to his interest in returning to you?

 

I don't know if you have a fulfilling life besides have a man in your life. If you don't, don't ever make the man the center of your universe without also spreading your time to hobbies/interests and time spent with friends/family/solo, etc.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Pamper yourself and spend time with people who love you. Time and distance will eventually do its work. Unfortunately, since you work together, you will have to come up with a good plan to become just co-workers once again, or pursue other job opportunities if that's an option.

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But does anyone have any stories about a change of heart? Is there any hope at all that no contact will bring us back? Could he have panicked about weddings and the idea of moving in together? He’s over 30 and has never lived with a significant other.

 

Oh OP :(

 

When a guy tells you they don't see a future with you, you can be sure that's exactly what they mean... and it's something they don't change their mind about.

 

It would seem that you have a different level of feelings for him than he does for you... whether it's because you are at a different place in life, or you had blinders on and didn't see the problems in the relationship, the reality is that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him.

 

At the end of the day no contact is the best way to go for your own sanity... he may come back and try to throw crumbs at you to entice you back into a relationship with him... however unless he is willing to give you his whole heart and a serious future, don't settle for less than what you truly want in a relationship.

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He had never told me he loved me, but I had been too scared to tell him too even though I knew I did If you're scared to communicate something of importance to your partner after a whole year together, your relationship wasn't as strong as you assumed. Making excuses for why he never told you he loved you is just painting the story with the stroke that works best for you.

 

I was coming to say the same thing.

 

Unfortunately, OP, it seems that things were not as solid as you believed. There is a reason he didn't tell you he loved you even after a year, and the fact that you were too scared to say it yourself strongly suggests you know he wasn't on the same page as you - and you were afraid of the rejection of not hearing "I love you" back.

 

It very painful, I know. I'm so sorry you're in this position. But it seems these doubts had been lingering with him for longer than you knew, and talking to his parents simply brought out what he had perhaps been denying to himself. I would take his word that he doesn't see a future together, sadly. It sounds to me like he enjoyed the honeymoon phase but realized his feelings didn't run so deeply after the initial thrill had worn off.

 

Based on experience, I would not hold you breath for him.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you still work together? Unfortunately he was never on the same page when it came to talking about any sort of commitment. It seems he thought of this as more casual dating and you were already talking about living together weddings, vows etc. His feelings never changed, they were just never as involved as yours were.

 

Do not wait around for him. He has had a year to be with you so he knows what he does and doesn't feel. Also he's younger and not in the same place as you wish to be so don't bother labeling him with commitmentphobe, scared, etc labels. Accept that he's not really a match and try to let go and move forward.

- we work together

 

asked if he planned on living with me and he didn’t have an answer. He said he felt like after a year, that he should know that he wants those things with me.

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No contact won’t bring him back but it will help you to quite quickly stop caring.

 

As others have said, this sounds like a casual dating scenario that continued for a year without really going anywhere. Reading between the lines the guy sounds either not ready for, or disinterested in, something long-term.

 

When you meet the right person, “I love you” will come out far more naturally and far sooner than a year.

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No contact can help someone who is confused clear his or her head and get to the root of what’s going on. If the root is resolvable then sometimes the couple get back together. I have two examples. One where she thought she should date the son of a family friend instead of her boyfriend who was about to propose. They were teenagers. She thought about it for less than a week and didn’t date him and returned to her boyfriend. They’ve been happily married for over 30 years. Example two. He ended things because apparently he was worried about being married while having significant responsibilities to his aging parents. Early 20s. He broke up with my friend and about 6 months later sent her roses on Valentine’s Day and asked her to get back together. He missed her a lot in her time apart. They’ve been married almost 30 years. But not happily partly because of his parents. I do think the time apart have him clarity. I was in both those weddings.

And me. I didn’t see a future with my boyfriend because the spark wasn’t strong enough. Early 30s. We broke up and had very limited contact like one or two emails a year for several years.

 

After almost 8 years apart we got back together and have been married almost 11 years. It’s a really good marriage and I definitely felt sure and lots of sparks the second time around. But not because of no contact. Because in those years apart we both did a lot of growing and changing.

I think our really limited contact helped us both move on. We were not going to be any good as just friends because I’m sure hearing about who we were each dating was just going to be hurtful for one thing.

I would move on completely and yes some day in the distant future you two might connect again but I would not focus on that in the least. I’m sorry you’re so disappointed !

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Is there any hope at all that no contact will bring us back?

 

NC is not designed to bring somebody back. It's about you healing & not debasing yourself chasing somebody who doesn't want you.

 

If you still work with him you can't be NC. You have to find a way to be civil.

 

If you want to reconcile you have to talk. Yes that wedding plus the pressure his family put on him could have freaked him out. In your shoes I'd tell him something like I'm sorry for the pressure others put on you but that wasn't me. I am happy with how our relationship was going & thought you were too. (N.B. it doesnt' sound like you were all that happy) Please try to relax. I dont' need this to all be figured out now & I'm not looking for a ring for Christmas. See what he says to that

 

the fact that he has never said I love is telling though. I'm not sure I'd chase at least not without bringing that up.

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