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Thread: Dating girl with harassing ex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I love the saying `stray cats don't come around unless someone is feeding them'

    Had she held her ground he would have been starved by lack of attention and moved on by now. She's rewarding him somehow and it benefits her as well, or she wouldn't be doing it.

    Disappointing. . I get it. But good on you for taking care of yourself!
    This one's messy and unavailable at this time. Chalk it up to bad timing.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TheUMan
    Her reasoning is that he in the past threatened to harm himself. And although she’s not romantically involved in him that she cares about his well-being. I understood this to a certain extent. Therefore she kept limited email interaction with him, which I was fine with to an extent. Again, I didn’t have any right to tell her who to date as I wasn’t her boyfriend at the time, but kept trying to build something with her at that point.

    I took her as being open about still having feelings as a sign that I could trust her, and for the most part until now, she hasn’t lied or tried to deceive me. I stopped being so passive when she directly told me that during her winter break she’d like to go out with him and see if there’s anything there. I took this as a sign that she only wants me for my company while she’s away from home, and as a safety net.

    All in all - I’ve never dated a girl so freshly after a relationship and wanted confirmation that I wasn’t being too harsh with ending things with her.
    Yes, you do have to give her that, she was honest with you.

    At the end you made the absolute best decision, bravo but as blue stated, next time try to see the red flags before ‘seeing where things go’ even happens. It’s just more emotionally safe. Her telling you honestly she wasn’t over her ex was nothing short of your cue to exit.

    Knowing where to draw your boundary lines can sometimes be a bit hard, I know it is for me, but in the end you made the right choice.

  3. #13
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    No, you weren't being harsh at all. It's always a bit risky when you're dating someone newly out of a relationship, but in her case she hadn't actually ended the relationship with him - it had just taken a different form.

    Well done for being realistic about what was actually happening and being wise enough to walk away before her chaos started to affect you.

  4. #14
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    Run for the hills. She's trouble.

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  6. #15
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    No, you weren't too harsh. It would have been ludicrous to stick around.

    She admits she still has feelings for him, and that she is going to meet up with him to see if he deserves another chance. This girl is not dating material - she was hoping you would be Plan B in case the guy she really wants (her ex) doesn't pan out.

    Run like the wind next time at the first mention of feelings for an ex.

  7. #16
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    One of the problems with people who are open about having feelings for an ex is that they appear to be trustworthy - after all, they're not hiding anything from you.

    However, all you can realistically expect is that the feelings for the ex will intrude on your own relationship - it doesn't mean that they will be solid, committed partners to you. They are basically being open and honest about having one foot out of the door. It's very dangerous to enter into a relationship on the basis that the other person will change.

    As MissCanuck says
    Run like the wind next time at the first mention of feelings for an ex.
    As the saying goes "When someone tells you who they are - believe them!"

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing. She needs to sort herself out before dating anyone.
    Originally Posted by TheUMan
    She told me beforehand that she still has feelings for her ex. She’s planning a trip to her hometown where her ex will be and informed me that she might meet up with him and see if it’s worth giving him another chance.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    One of the problems with people who are open about having feelings for an ex is that they appear to be trustworthy - after all, they're not hiding anything from you.

    However, all you can realistically expect is that the feelings for the ex will intrude on your own relationship - it doesn't mean that they will be solid, committed partners to you. They are basically being open and honest about having one foot out of the door. It's very dangerous to enter into a relationship on the basis that the other person will change.

    As MissCanuck says

    As the saying goes "When someone tells you who they are - believe them!"
    Yep.

    If I tell you I suffocate men in their sleep would you be like ‘oh my gawd, youre so honest! Let’s go take a nap!’ Of course not right? It’s not much different here, her confession, at its core, hell even on the surface, while honest isn’t ‘good’ simply because it’s the truth. She’s revealing a negative, a non starter, a do not pass go do not collect $200.

    She’s handing you a blade and you grabbed it fully and willingly, shredding yourself. You let go, now go put a bandage on don’t go grab the blade again...

  10. #19
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    Yay -- someone has boundaries.

    Good for you. You know what you want in a relationship (one on one) and if a woman won't provide that, you leave.

    I am sorry that you went through this - that's pretty audacious to tell one man you still are in love with another and expect them to stick around

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