Dating girl with harassing ex

Long story short, I started seeing a girl who recently moved close to my hometown. She has school on the weekdays but we’ve been constantly seeing each other during the weekends.

She told me beforehand that she still has feelings for her ex and was concomitant with me; which I completely understood. Her ex is very emotionally manipulative. He would constantly bombard her with texts, emails, etc. she would constantly block him but then feel bad or be afraid he would hurt himself (which he has done in the past.). When she starts talking to someone new, he calls her horrible names and starts rumors about her.

This was her first relationship and it lasted three years. They’ve been on and off for the past year. Everything is going well with us but she seems as if she’s very hot and cold at times. She’s planning a trip to her hometown where her ex will be and informed me that she might meet up with him and see if it’s worth giving him another chance.

I respectfully told her that I’m not okay with that but we aren’t dating and she has every right to do so; but needs to understand that if she allows him in again, he won’t stop harassing us and that I don’t want to be with someone who’s ex is continuously orbiting around. She claims she doesn’t want to lose me and blocks him until he harasses her again. This cycle went on for a few weeks until I decided that I can’t do it anymore.

I proceeded to respectfully and maturely end things with her. She’s currently pleading to remain friends with me, to which I refused.

Was I too harsh on her? Should I have given her time? She broke up with this guy about ten times and he’s been emotionally abusing her since. My logic is that if she can’t stop now, she’ll never stop. I have very strong feelings for her but do not want to be constantly worried about her ex in our potential relationship. Also, as harassing as he is, she doesn’t seem like she has the strength to let go of him.

Edit: I should also note that he’s only currently trying to get back together with her this time after learning that she’s been seeing me. Before that he’s been ghosting her.

Thanks you for allowing me to read the very good and healthy boundaries of a man who more likely than not, is going to make a very good match for a healthy, worth dating girlfriend. This girl is not ready to be in anything serious with anyone until she makes the ex gone and gone for good and figures out why she keeps letting him hoover her back in.

It was nice to read someone with healthy personal boundaries.

Is this your first break up? Don't second-guess yourself. I think it would do you good to take a breather and take another look at this when you're a bit more neutral and have your emotions in check. He's not emotionally abusing her. She's allowing it to happen and not in the right place for a relationship. You are better off taking her off that pedestal and taking off your rose-coloured lenses. She is not a damsel in distress and she has created her own chaos. You are not her knight in shining armour. Be careful of your influences and stay true to yourself. Don't start recreating her drama in your life.

Try not to associate with characters who aren't good for you overall and don't bring or add peace/joy to your life.

Thank you. This was my thoughts exactly. If she hadn’t learnt that going back to her ex was a bad idea by now, she wasn’t going to do it for me.

And rather than letting her have her cake and eat it too, by staying friends with her, I did what was best for me and moved on from the situation.

Thank you for the encouraging words. It enforces that I made the right decision.

Is this your first break up? Don't second-guess yourself. I think it would do you good to take a breather and take another look at this when you're a bit more neutral and have your emotions in check. He's not emotionally abusing her. She's allowing it to happen and not in the right place for a relationship. You are better off taking her off that pedestal and taking off your rose-coloured lenses. She is not a damsel in distress and she has created her own chaos. You are not her knight in shining armour. Be careful of your influences and stay true to yourself. Don't start recreating her drama in your life.

 

Try not to associate with characters who aren't good for you overall and don't bring or add peace/joy to your life.

It wasn’t my first breakup. That’s why I was able to see the red flags and signals. I thought maybe I was being insecure or not being accommodating enough because this was the first time dating a girl so early after she had a breakup. But you’re right. No matter how harassing her ex is, it’s ultimately her decision to allow him to be so, and I’m asking to eventually be cheated on if I stick around.

L She claims she doesn’t want to lose me and blocks him until he harasses her again. This cycle went on for a few weeks until I decided that I can’t do it anymore.

This jumped out at me. How does someone harass someone who is blocked?

Point being, as I think your gut told you, this was a two way street: not something he did to her, but something she wasn't able to close herself off to. Happens. Bravo to you for handling it all well and gracefully: stating how you felt, what worked for you, then observing—her behavior and how you continued to feel alongside her. Neither of those things added up to anything you could continue with, and so you bowed out.

I'd take this as a lesson that, in the future, it's best not to entertain someone who, right off the bat, tells you they've still got feelings for someone else. It's one thing if there are some little loose threads in the head and heart, another all together when someone is making those loose threads the basis of new romance. Means, more often than not, that they're interested in making them part of whatever kind net you guys build together.

This jumped out at me. How does someone harass someone who is blocked?

 

Point being, as I think your gut told you, this was a two way street: not something he did to her, but something she wasn't able to close herself off to. Happens. Bravo to you for handling it all well and gracefully: stating how you felt, what worked for you, then observing—her behavior and how you continued to feel alongside her. Neither of those things added up to anything you could continued with, and so you bowed out.

 

I'd take this as a lesson that, in the future, it's best not to entertain someone who, right off the bat, tells you they've still got feelings for someone else. It's one thing if there are some little loose threads in the head and heart, another all together when someone is making those loose threads the basis of new romance. Means, more often than not, that they're interested in making them part of whatever kind net you guys build together.

Her reasoning is that he in the past threatened to harm himself. And although she’s not romantically involved in him that she cares about his well-being. I understood this to a certain extent. Therefore she kept limited email interaction with him, which I was fine with to an extent. Again, I didn’t have any right to tell her who to date as I wasn’t her boyfriend at the time, but kept trying to build something with her at that point.

I took her as being open about still having feelings as a sign that I could trust her, and for the most part until now, she hasn’t lied or tried to deceive me. I stopped being so passive when she directly told me that during her winter break she’d like to go out with him and see if there’s anything there. I took this as a sign that she only wants me for my company while she’s away from home, and as a safety net.

All in all - I’ve never dated a girl so freshly after a relationship and wanted confirmation that I wasn’t being too harsh with ending things with her.

I think it's healthier to see people as individuals in their own right and give others the respect as autonomous individuals (the same kind of respect that you would want for yourself).

I'd be very aware of a person's outlook too and be keen and sensitive to how others perceive the world around them. If you are asking someone to be your partner in life, I think you owe yourself that much. Making good decisions counts. Try to hang out with people who make healthy and good decisions for themselves for the long term. I think you understand this but you were very much in love with her. Take it easy on yourself. This will all pass. One day at a time. I don't think you made a mistake.

I hear you, and don’t think you were harsh at all. You gave it a fair, open go, which is all we can ever ask—of others, of ourselves. Replace “harassing ex” with “just not feeling it”—and, well, that would be fair too. We feel what we feel, and some of those feelings allow us to keep stepping forward while others make stepping away the honest choice. In respecting the reality of your own feelings, you respected the disconnect between the two of you. That takes real confidence.

I totally understand how all that could feel like a foundation for trust and intimacy. But when your romantic trust is being built by someone telling you about an unresolved romance—well, it limits the depth of romance, at least from what I’ve observed.

While I’m sorry about all this—it always stings—I think you’ve made the right choice, one that will serve you well in not going too far down certain detours on the road to whatever it is you’re looking for in romance

Thanks you for allowing me to read the very good and healthy boundaries of a man who more likely than not, is going to make a very good match for a healthy, worth dating girlfriend. This girl is not ready to be in anything serious with anyone until she makes the ex gone and gone for good and figures out why she keeps letting him hoover her back in.

 

It was nice to read someone with healthy personal boundaries.

^^^^ says it all

I love the saying `stray cats don't come around unless someone is feeding them'

Had she held her ground he would have been starved by lack of attention and moved on by now. She's rewarding him somehow and it benefits her as well, or she wouldn't be doing it.

Disappointing. . I get it. But good on you for taking care of yourself!

This one's messy and unavailable at this time. Chalk it up to bad timing.

Her reasoning is that he in the past threatened to harm himself. And although she’s not romantically involved in him that she cares about his well-being. I understood this to a certain extent. Therefore she kept limited email interaction with him, which I was fine with to an extent. Again, I didn’t have any right to tell her who to date as I wasn’t her boyfriend at the time, but kept trying to build something with her at that point.

 

I took her as being open about still having feelings as a sign that I could trust her, and for the most part until now, she hasn’t lied or tried to deceive me. I stopped being so passive when she directly told me that during her winter break she’d like to go out with him and see if there’s anything there. I took this as a sign that she only wants me for my company while she’s away from home, and as a safety net.

 

All in all - I’ve never dated a girl so freshly after a relationship and wanted confirmation that I wasn’t being too harsh with ending things with her.

Yes, you do have to give her that, she was honest with you.

At the end you made the absolute best decision, bravo but as blue stated, next time try to see the red flags before ‘seeing where things go’ even happens. It’s just more emotionally safe. Her telling you honestly she wasn’t over her ex was nothing short of your cue to exit.

Knowing where to draw your boundary lines can sometimes be a bit hard, I know it is for me, but in the end you made the right choice.

No, you weren't being harsh at all. It's always a bit risky when you're dating someone newly out of a relationship, but in her case she hadn't actually ended the relationship with him - it had just taken a different form.

Well done for being realistic about what was actually happening and being wise enough to walk away before her chaos started to affect you.

Run for the hills. She's trouble.

No, you weren't too harsh. It would have been ludicrous to stick around.

She admits she still has feelings for him, and that she is going to meet up with him to see if he deserves another chance. This girl is not dating material - she was hoping you would be Plan B in case the guy she really wants (her ex) doesn't pan out.

Run like the wind next time at the first mention of feelings for an ex.

One of the problems with people who are open about having feelings for an ex is that they appear to be trustworthy - after all, they're not hiding anything from you.

However, all you can realistically expect is that the feelings for the ex will intrude on your own relationship - it doesn't mean that they will be solid, committed partners to you. They are basically being open and honest about having one foot out of the door. It's very dangerous to enter into a relationship on the basis that the other person will change.

As MissCanuck says

Run like the wind next time at the first mention of feelings for an ex.

As the saying goes "When someone tells you who they are - believe them!"

You did the right thing. She needs to sort herself out before dating anyone.

She told me beforehand that she still has feelings for her ex. She’s planning a trip to her hometown where her ex will be and informed me that she might meet up with him and see if it’s worth giving him another chance.

One of the problems with people who are open about having feelings for an ex is that they appear to be trustworthy - after all, they're not hiding anything from you.

 

However, all you can realistically expect is that the feelings for the ex will intrude on your own relationship - it doesn't mean that they will be solid, committed partners to you. They are basically being open and honest about having one foot out of the door. It's very dangerous to enter into a relationship on the basis that the other person will change.

 

As MissCanuck says

 

As the saying goes "When someone tells you who they are - believe them!"

Yep.

If I tell you I suffocate men in their sleep would you be like ‘oh my gawd, youre so honest! Let’s go take a nap!’ Of course not right? It’s not much different here, her confession, at its core, hell even on the surface, while honest isn’t ‘good’ simply because it’s the truth. She’s revealing a negative, a non starter, a do not pass go do not collect $200.

She’s handing you a blade and you grabbed it fully and willingly, shredding yourself. You let go, now go put a bandage on don’t go grab the blade again...

Yay -- someone has boundaries.

Good for you. You know what you want in a relationship (one on one) and if a woman won't provide that, you leave.

I am sorry that you went through this - that's pretty audacious to tell one man you still are in love with another and expect them to stick around