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Thread: Relationship ended badly but she's in my friendship group

  1. #1
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    Relationship ended badly but she's in my friendship group

    Hey everyone, I'm breaking this into two parts so you can skip the backstory bit if you want.

    BACKSTORY

    So last year I started dating a female friend. We've been close friends for 10 years now and both belong to the same group of friends. The last few years she's been away at Uni and travelling but every time she comes back we always partner off to talk about things, including relationships. She's always been great for giving me advice and vice versa. Last year at a party, she drunkenly admitted she'd always had feelings for me. I reciprocated and we kissed. The next few weeks we found ourselves meeting in private and started having sex.

    We started dating after that but still tried to keep it quiet to our friends but obviously they all found out. Things were amazing for a while and i think she loved me or at least she said she did.

    Things got bad when she went back to Uni for her last year. It was fine while she was over there, talked every day made sure we kept each other in the loop. But when I went to visit in February, after the first few days, we ended up arguing over stupid stuff and she got uncharacteristically upset about things. I ended up leaving on weird terms. After a week she ended things, saying she thought she was ready for a relationship but isn't. I was absolutely gutted. She said she wanted to stay friends but all we'd do is argue over the phone and message for the next month.

    When she got back, we agreed to meet and realised the chemistry was still there. We carried on meeting a lot and fell back into sleeping together. We agreed to dial things back a bit and begin by seeing each other. I was happy again, things were great and the arguments stopped. She went back to Uni, we talked every day, she finished up and came back by the beginning of this summer.



    THE SITUATION

    Since then we've seen each other a few times a week. Gone on holiday, done pretty much everything together. There's not been a single day when we haven't talked and planned out our weeks together. She even started staying at mine and hanging out with my family while I'm at work.

    Well back in September she broke her leg and ended up on crutches. She came to see me the first week but since she lives in a different city said it was gonna be hard for her to come over again. I offered to come see her as usual but suddenly she started making excuses. I didn't think much about it until it started getting ridiculous. She did come up once but spent the entire time on her phone and left early the next day to go meet friends.

    I'd booked off two weeks at the end of last month for my birthday where we'd planned to go away for a week and then the next week I was having a birthday meal and party. The weeks before this she started to message less and less, kept making excuses and was suddenly busy seeing friends all the time. I finally started to ask what the hell was going on and she kept making excuses. We didn't go away because of her leg apparently and then she didn't even go to my meal and turned up to my party late. She acted distant and then left early when she said I was acting distant.

    We've talked on and off since then until finally she told me last week that she's met someone. She's apologised for hurting me but she just doesn't think we work anymore. I told her I'm absolutely heart broken but she's downplaying the whole thing saying she thought we'd stopped seeing each other a while back and were just hanging out as friends which is bull. I don't know what to say. I've literally just completely lost her. She said she wants to stay friends but that'll be it. I told her I didn't want to.

    Well the horrible part was that it was her's and another friend's joint birthday this weekend. I didn't wanna go but all our mutual friends begged me and I didn't wanna be rude to him. The night started off alright, it sucked obviously because she was there and I just felt like crap for the most part. She tried to talk to me but I was still hurt. Later in the night, she starts an argument because apparently I'd talked crap about her which wasn't true as I hadn't said anything to anyone about the situation. I went home and she rang to apologise and asked to come over so we could talk. We did but after I explained that I've still got feelings and it's not fair on me, she started crying and ended up leaving.

    She apologised again over message the next day and said she'd miss me. A few hours later I get a message saying that her new guy is annoyed at her for coming to mine last night and she can't speak to me anymore. I messaged this morning to see if that was it and if we were just not gonna talk anymore. She said she wants to but we can't atm, maybe in the future we can meet to talk.

    I'm absolutely gutted. I've never felt so alone. I just feel like everything's been pulled away from me all of a sudden and my future's gone. I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that she just doesn't want me anymore and she's long moved on and see's me as not even a friend anymore. It's her actual birthday today and I don't even know what she's doing. I'm just out of the loop and by myself. What's worse is that I'm supposed to be going to a christmas meal with friends next month and she'll be there. I've paid a lot of money for it and I don't even know if I can go. I'm gonna have to see her and know she's happy and with someone else.

    What do I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she's been flaky for a while now. It hurts when the lying is added to it and you get the "busy" excuse when in fact she was seeing someone. Is there a way to recoup your money or give your seat/invite to someone else or their guest?

  3. #3
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    It's the fact that all it took was a month away from me and she suddenly was a different person. I can't believe it's gone from seeing her all the time to just not at all. She literally just dropped me as soon as it became convenient.

    No, there's no way I can get my money back and it sucks because I was looking forward to it. I can't hang out with my best friends because of this and if I do say to give away the seat then it's her new guy who would probably get invited. That hurts even more.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Go and bring a date and put on a happy-as-a-pig-in-***t face. That's what I'd do. I'd be sure not to drink more than one glass of wine at dinner and then I'd go about dancing the night away with my date.

    Screw her and the horse she rode in on.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I suppose it depends on what you feel comfortable doing. Money is just money. So what if you spent $100 or $200 on an event. If you don't feel like it, don't put yourself through hell if you're not going to have fun. Learn your lessons and move forwards. Is it just the christmas party you're unsure about?

    I'd lay low on the mutual friends circle if you need time to yourself. Expand and meet new people outside of this group. Seems a bit small and not enough elbow room. What's the fun in that?

    Regarding the break up, we've all been there. Take one day at a time, one step at a time. You may not see it very clearly right now but one day it'll be much clearer to you. When someone shows you exactly what they are, believe it. This is not the end of the world. It's not the end of your future. It's just the beginning of a much brighter one.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since you have mutual friends, remain respectful, kind and polite toward your ex girlfriend. You don't have to get chummy with her. Just be kind yet politely distant. You can do it. I have to act this way at Thanksgiving with some in-laws whom I don't admire. You have to keep the peace.

    It's similar to a divorced couple who co-parent while remaining civil towards one another for the sake of the children and everyone in their midst. Be mature and behave honorably always. You'll thank yourself later for doing the right thing.

    Don't cause a scene. Don't engage in any drama whatsoever. Keep it cool.

    Behave with class. Be the bigger person and take the higher road. Enforce healthy boundaries while creating a peaceful atmosphere. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 11-18-2019 at 05:44 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this and that this dinner is spoiled. It will take some time to get through things. keep in mind she was not what you thought she was, the good times were more of a mirage than the bad times.
    Originally Posted by rexlincoln
    It's the fact that all it took was a month away from me and she suddenly was a different person. I can't believe it's gone from seeing her all the time to just not at all. She literally just dropped me as soon as it became convenient.

    No, there's no way I can get my money back and it sucks because I was looking forward to it. I can't hang out with my best friends because of this and if I do say to give away the seat then it's her new guy who would probably get invited. That hurts even more.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this. It's hard when you have the same friend group and it gets messy. I agree with a lot of the advice posted thus far.

    I would add: 1. keep your chin up and 2. focus on yourself, your family and other friends not associated with this group.

    You don't have to stop being friends with these people or do anything to make life easier for your ex. You just need to focus on enjoying yourself and your own life.

    I feel if you spend some time away from this group, with people that distract you from the situation, you'll see things much clearer in the coming weeks and months.

    I'm sorry if you might lose money by not going to the dinner. But see how you feel that day. You may decide you feel up for going and if you do, great. Don't drink too much alcohol and have a good time. If you don't, then don't go. Fear of losing money should not cause you to do something that is only going to make you feel worse. The price of that pain maybe higher then the cost of the dinner.

    Good luck to you! You can get through this and in time you, the ex and this friend group may all be back to a new normal.

    It's actually happen to me. It took a long time, like years. But I'm actually best of friends with an old EX and the fact that we used to date and had a horrible breakup never comes up. It's not awkward. Not the elephant in the room. It just doesn't matter anymore. But our level of friendship is very deep, as we know each other in very personal ways. we would never be together again romantically, but we would do anything for each other and it's a beautiful thing... and never thought back at the break up this would ever happen. NEVER!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by rexlincoln
    Hey everyone, I'm breaking this into two parts so you can skip the backstory bit if you want.

    BACKSTORY

    So last year I started dating a female friend. We've been close friends for 10 years now and both belong to the same group of friends. The last few years she's been away at Uni and travelling but every time she comes back we always partner off to talk about things, including relationships. She's always been great for giving me advice and vice versa. Last year at a party, she drunkenly admitted she'd always had feelings for me. I reciprocated and we kissed. The next few weeks we found ourselves meeting in private and started having sex.

    We started dating after that but still tried to keep it quiet to our friends but obviously they all found out. Things were amazing for a while and i think she loved me or at least she said she did.

    Things got bad when she went back to Uni for her last year. It was fine while she was over there, talked every day made sure we kept each other in the loop. But when I went to visit in February, after the first few days, we ended up arguing over stupid stuff and she got uncharacteristically upset about things. I ended up leaving on weird terms. After a week she ended things, saying she thought she was ready for a relationship but isn't. I was absolutely gutted. She said she wanted to stay friends but all we'd do is argue over the phone and message for the next month.

    When she got back, we agreed to meet and realised the chemistry was still there. We carried on meeting a lot and fell back into sleeping together. We agreed to dial things back a bit and begin by seeing each other. I was happy again, things were great and the arguments stopped. She went back to Uni, we talked every day, she finished up and came back by the beginning of this summer.



    THE SITUATION

    Since then we've seen each other a few times a week. Gone on holiday, done pretty much everything together. There's not been a single day when we haven't talked and planned out our weeks together. She even started staying at mine and hanging out with my family while I'm at work.

    Well back in September she broke her leg and ended up on crutches. She came to see me the first week but since she lives in a different city said it was gonna be hard for her to come over again. I offered to come see her as usual but suddenly she started making excuses. I didn't think much about it until it started getting ridiculous. She did come up once but spent the entire time on her phone and left early the next day to go meet friends.

    I'd booked off two weeks at the end of last month for my birthday where we'd planned to go away for a week and then the next week I was having a birthday meal and party. The weeks before this she started to message less and less, kept making excuses and was suddenly busy seeing friends all the time. I finally started to ask what the hell was going on and she kept making excuses. We didn't go away because of her leg apparently and then she didn't even go to my meal and turned up to my party late. She acted distant and then left early when she said I was acting distant.

    We've talked on and off since then until finally she told me last week that she's met someone. She's apologised for hurting me but she just doesn't think we work anymore. I told her I'm absolutely heart broken but she's downplaying the whole thing saying she thought we'd stopped seeing each other a while back and were just hanging out as friends which is bull. I don't know what to say. I've literally just completely lost her. She said she wants to stay friends but that'll be it. I told her I didn't want to.

    Well the horrible part was that it was her's and another friend's joint birthday this weekend. I didn't wanna go but all our mutual friends begged me and I didn't wanna be rude to him. The night started off alright, it sucked obviously because she was there and I just felt like crap for the most part. She tried to talk to me but I was still hurt. Later in the night, she starts an argument because apparently I'd talked crap about her which wasn't true as I hadn't said anything to anyone about the situation. I went home and she rang to apologise and asked to come over so we could talk. We did but after I explained that I've still got feelings and it's not fair on me, she started crying and ended up leaving.

    She apologised again over message the next day and said she'd miss me. A few hours later I get a message saying that her new guy is annoyed at her for coming to mine last night and she can't speak to me anymore. I messaged this morning to see if that was it and if we were just not gonna talk anymore. She said she wants to but we can't atm, maybe in the future we can meet to talk.

    I'm absolutely gutted. I've never felt so alone. I just feel like everything's been pulled away from me all of a sudden and my future's gone. I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that she just doesn't want me anymore and she's long moved on and see's me as not even a friend anymore. It's her actual birthday today and I don't even know what she's doing. I'm just out of the loop and by myself. What's worse is that I'm supposed to be going to a christmas meal with friends next month and she'll be there. I've paid a lot of money for it and I don't even know if I can go. I'm gonna have to see her and know she's happy and with someone else.

    What do I do?
    Don't go to the Christmas dinner. I think you're trying to make excuses as to why you should go because you want to see her. I mean, how much could a christmas dinner cost? A hundred bucks? two hundred tops? I'd say that's worth losing to gain some peace. You won't have fun there if she's there, and you'll go home feeling defeated. It sucks that you lost a friend over it, but it's pretty obvious that your friendship was never a high priority with her. It sucks but you're going to have to move on. It will only get easier.

  11. #10
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    Right. So I've actually been keeping myself to myself as far as this situation is concerned and not contacted her. I've been working all the time, going to the gym and trying not to think about it. Obviously I miss her, some days more than others but I've still been carrying on with it.

    Well two things have happened. One of my close friends rang to talk about his own relationship problems (which I might start a thread about as I'm concerned). Talk turned to my Ex as he wasn't aware we weren't talking and she's a mutual friend. The Christmas Party is actually something he set up. After I told him I don't think I'm gonna go, he's basically told me he'll refund her ticket and tell her not to come as he and the others would rather I go instead of her. I don't wanna cause any arguments or get her kicked out for any reason so I've told him not to do that and not to say anything to her about it which he's agreed. I may be hurt but I'm not horrible.
    But he's still adamant that he wants me to go and won't accept no for an answer. It's a really nice sentiment and I do appreciate it so I'm unsure what to do. I've told him I'll get back to him about going.

    The other thing is this past weekend. I was out with friends for a birthday drink. I was having a good time until I looked at my phone and she'd messaged me asking how I was. I didn't respond as I wanted to enjoy my night but did get back to her the next morning. She then responded within seconds and we talked a bit for a few minutes about general stuff and then the conversation ended. Is this good? Surely she wouldn't message if she didn't want to be friends? Idk, I've thought about initiating conversation today but I'm not sure.

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