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Thread: Finding new details about bf after getting back together that makes me feel sick

  1. #1
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    Finding new details about bf after getting back together that makes me feel sick

    Before you read,

    I will probably be shamed for taking this guy back, but he expressed his remorse over what he did and it seemed genuine to me so I decided to give him one last chance. I told him the past will be left in the past and if he ever brings the past up again, then we're over for good. He's kept his word and has never brought up the past since, so things have been good between us. However...just yesterday I snooped and found something out that has been bothering me, even though it happened 3 months ago. My boyfriend doesn't have close friends so he often uses Reddit's relationship advice forum to vent/ask for advice. With my detective skills and no I did not snoop on his phone, I found his Reddit account and saw a post he made from August that really bothers me, but I don't know how to bring it up or if I should. It's a post that he actually deleted, but I found a way to look at deleted posts from Reddit. This was during the time where our relationship was becoming very toxic and we were fighting constantly. He made a post saying that he is afraid he might cheat on me after how much we've been arguing...which killed me to read because I NEVER expected that of him. He wrote that before we started fighting, no other girl could come between us and that he was never tempted to get at any other girl. But anyways, he wrote that it happened at the gym, that a girl asked him if he was done using the equipments and made small talk with him, possibly being flirty. He wrote that there was a "chemistry" or "lust" between the two of them and that he was tempted to ask for her number, but didn't because he was with me. And then he said that it isn't like he's unhappy with me, but it's that he isn't AS happy as before. Reading all of this killed me inside and I cried... because even though we were fighting so much during that time I never once thought of cheating on him or anything of the sort. A few weeks after this, he was venting in a thread and wrote that while he was hanging out with his brothers, he walked by a girl that was checking him out and he said that if he was single, he definitely would have gone up to her and asked for her number. I feel really sh*tty for snooping, but I feel like he isn't honest with me and he keeps things like this from me, so I have to find out on my own by snooping his Reddit account...I haven't been well after finding this out and he knows I've been upset about something but he has no idea what it is. I'm not sure if I should even bring it up as it may tear us apart, because it did happen in August and we had agreed to leave the past in the past.. I'm not even sure if I want to be with him anymore, I'm just so torn about everything. My birthday is in a week and he has a big surprise planned for me, even called the day off work for me. We have plans for the future together, we planned to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together, go to Disneyland in December for our anniversary, go to a New Years rave together, even take classes together next semester... I really don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately there's not much you can do because you snooped, do not trust him (any more than he trusts you) and do not want to ruin your plans or admit you were checking up on him.

    My advice remains the same. You need to talk to a trusted adult or therapist about how damaging this relationship is deep down, despite the superficial image you have.[Register to see the link]

    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    He made a post saying that he is afraid he might cheat on me after how much we've been arguing...which killed me to read because I NEVER expected that of him. He wrote that there was a "chemistry" or "lust" between the two of them and that he was tempted to ask for her number, but didn't because he was with me. My birthday is in a week and he has a big surprise planned for me, even called the day off work for me. We have plans for the future together, we planned to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together, go to Disneyland in December for our anniversary, go to a New Years rave together, even take classes together next semester... I really don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Why are you trying to sabotage this relationship? Do you just really, really want to end it and you're looking to make him the bad guy?

    This happened in August. You found zero "proof" that he's thinking that way since you've gotten back together so why are you putting so much value on what happened in the past? You both agreed to not live in the past so why are YOU reneging on that promise?

    If you can't get over your mistrust and apparent need to sabotage then either get therapy to help you with that together as a couple (couples counseling) or leave him and let the two of you get over one another so you can find better partners for one another that you can actually trust and not be compelled to snoop/creep on.

    Your insecurity and mistrust is what is wrong with your relationship in the present. Something you should work on or your relationship will just be one giant anxiety/panic attack and not just in this particular relationship but in any you may form going forward.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 11-18-2019 at 01:59 PM.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The relationship seems rocky, OP. I'm not one to judge you for looking at his account. I think openness is required in relationships - a desire to be open with each other. If one person automatically has walls or defenses and a real desire to maintain a lot of privacy, I think it's a red flag. I'd think that person is either neurotic or has something to hide - both are not pleasant qualities, to me. I think it's good to be open that you saw his posts and uncovered what type of man he is. It'd also do you good facing up to the reality of what your relationship really is. It's based on dishonesty, misgivings, distrust overall and a lot of hazy confusion and pain.

    He's been posting subversive and nonsense drivel on these websites. I'd be prone to believing them and not brushing the info aside. You have every right to be upset. August was barely three months ago. Do you really think a person changes in three months?

    Why do you fear so much? It's one year, one Christmas, one botched Disneyland trip. Is it really that big of a deal in the long run? Let's open this up more. Look at the rest of your life unfolding before you.

    Trust in yourself more and don't fear the unknown or what life is like without this relationship.

    In my opinion, the relationship is already over. It was over a long time ago. You're just in denial and I feel for you. I know what that feels like to feel unloved or unwanted and unappreciated. You deserve better.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would toss you out for your extensive snooping. That is also deceitful. He shouldn’t trust you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Shady AF behavior on your part OP.

    Essentially, you just read his diary... thoughts he didn't want to share with you. Contrary to popular belief he isn't obligated to share every single thought and feeling with you... and doing so is absolutely no indication of a relationship that is built on trust... it is in fact, an indication of the opposite... that both people are so insecure that they need to try and control all of the information they have access to.

    You have invaded his private thoughts and feelings without asking, what essentially amounts to stalking, and now are not only experiencing the consequences of hearing the truth about yourself and your relationship, you also have the consequences of his disappointment and hurt should you decide to tell him.

    If you want to have a healthy relationship, then take a page from your own book... let go of the past and focus on who he is now and what you want your relationship to look like going forward.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't know what to say really. You seem to be quite immature, OP. Yes, people have these kinds of thoughts, especially during periods of intense, high level conflict. It's not that he had these thoughts, it's that he didn't act on them that's important here. You seem to be missing that completely.

    Also, finding his deleted posts on Reddit is a bit more than just "snooping", you seriously need some help OP. What you are doing is more than just invasion of his private space and thoughts, it's grounds for him to dump you with extreme prejudice and well he should. Too be he isn't here posting because that would be my advice to your bf. It's your behavior, OP, that is completely toxic and downright deranged. You literally have no excuses here for what you are doing. You need to get your head screwed on straight and adjust your expectations to reality, not to mention stop stalking people. Yes, what you are doing amounts to creepy level stalking.

    If you don't want to be in this relationship, can't trust the guy, then just end it. You do not act the way that you are doing right now with anyone ever.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so he uses Reddit like you use this or any other forum/site? So? You posted about him as well.

    The fact that you think you need "detective skills" to have relationships is the most disturbing part of your post. Like a comic book, more than dating. You need more independence from him.

    Your own courses, your own friends, holidays with your own family/friends etc. Maturity is not being creepy to achieve things it's being real and thinking for yourself.
    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    he often uses Reddit's relationship advice forum to vent/ask for advice.

    With my detective skills....
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 11-18-2019 at 02:53 PM.

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    I never said there is anything wrong with him asking for advice online. I was just stating a fact

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I never said there is anything wrong with him asking for advice online. I was just stating a fact
    What is "wrong" is your reaction to what you've discovered through your snooping. What, if anything have you discovered during your walk through his business did you discover, in the present, that would have you so upset?

    Your reaction is based on history, not the present.

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