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Finding new details about bf after getting back together that makes me feel sick


somegirl313

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Before you read,

 

I will probably be shamed for taking this guy back, but he expressed his remorse over what he did and it seemed genuine to me so I decided to give him one last chance. I told him the past will be left in the past and if he ever brings the past up again, then we're over for good. He's kept his word and has never brought up the past since, so things have been good between us. However...just yesterday I snooped and found something out that has been bothering me, even though it happened 3 months ago. My boyfriend doesn't have close friends so he often uses Reddit's relationship advice forum to vent/ask for advice. With my detective skills and no I did not snoop on his phone, I found his Reddit account and saw a post he made from August that really bothers me, but I don't know how to bring it up or if I should. It's a post that he actually deleted, but I found a way to look at deleted posts from Reddit. This was during the time where our relationship was becoming very toxic and we were fighting constantly. He made a post saying that he is afraid he might cheat on me after how much we've been arguing...which killed me to read because I NEVER expected that of him. He wrote that before we started fighting, no other girl could come between us and that he was never tempted to get at any other girl. But anyways, he wrote that it happened at the gym, that a girl asked him if he was done using the equipments and made small talk with him, possibly being flirty. He wrote that there was a "chemistry" or "lust" between the two of them and that he was tempted to ask for her number, but didn't because he was with me. And then he said that it isn't like he's unhappy with me, but it's that he isn't AS happy as before. Reading all of this killed me inside and I cried... because even though we were fighting so much during that time I never once thought of cheating on him or anything of the sort. A few weeks after this, he was venting in a thread and wrote that while he was hanging out with his brothers, he walked by a girl that was checking him out and he said that if he was single, he definitely would have gone up to her and asked for her number. I feel really sh*tty for snooping, but I feel like he isn't honest with me and he keeps things like this from me, so I have to find out on my own by snooping his Reddit account...I haven't been well after finding this out and he knows I've been upset about something but he has no idea what it is. I'm not sure if I should even bring it up as it may tear us apart, because it did happen in August and we had agreed to leave the past in the past.. I'm not even sure if I want to be with him anymore, I'm just so torn about everything. My birthday is in a week and he has a big surprise planned for me, even called the day off work for me. We have plans for the future together, we planned to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together, go to Disneyland in December for our anniversary, go to a New Years rave together, even take classes together next semester... I really don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

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Unfortunately there's not much you can do because you snooped, do not trust him (any more than he trusts you) and do not want to ruin your plans or admit you were checking up on him.

 

My advice remains the same. You need to talk to a trusted adult or therapist about how damaging this relationship is deep down, despite the superficial image you have.https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561671&page=2&p=7161950&viewfull=1#post7161950

 

He made a post saying that he is afraid he might cheat on me after how much we've been arguing...which killed me to read because I NEVER expected that of him. He wrote that there was a "chemistry" or "lust" between the two of them and that he was tempted to ask for her number, but didn't because he was with me. My birthday is in a week and he has a big surprise planned for me, even called the day off work for me. We have plans for the future together, we planned to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together, go to Disneyland in December for our anniversary, go to a New Years rave together, even take classes together next semester... I really don't know what to do. Any advice or help would be appreciated.
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Why are you trying to sabotage this relationship? Do you just really, really want to end it and you're looking to make him the bad guy?

 

This happened in August. You found zero "proof" that he's thinking that way since you've gotten back together so why are you putting so much value on what happened in the past? You both agreed to not live in the past so why are YOU reneging on that promise?

 

If you can't get over your mistrust and apparent need to sabotage then either get therapy to help you with that together as a couple (couples counseling) or leave him and let the two of you get over one another so you can find better partners for one another that you can actually trust and not be compelled to snoop/creep on.

 

Your insecurity and mistrust is what is wrong with your relationship in the present. Something you should work on or your relationship will just be one giant anxiety/panic attack and not just in this particular relationship but in any you may form going forward.

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The relationship seems rocky, OP. I'm not one to judge you for looking at his account. I think openness is required in relationships - a desire to be open with each other. If one person automatically has walls or defenses and a real desire to maintain a lot of privacy, I think it's a red flag. I'd think that person is either neurotic or has something to hide - both are not pleasant qualities, to me. I think it's good to be open that you saw his posts and uncovered what type of man he is. It'd also do you good facing up to the reality of what your relationship really is. It's based on dishonesty, misgivings, distrust overall and a lot of hazy confusion and pain.

 

He's been posting subversive and nonsense drivel on these websites. I'd be prone to believing them and not brushing the info aside. You have every right to be upset. August was barely three months ago. Do you really think a person changes in three months?

 

Why do you fear so much? It's one year, one Christmas, one botched Disneyland trip. Is it really that big of a deal in the long run? Let's open this up more. Look at the rest of your life unfolding before you.

 

Trust in yourself more and don't fear the unknown or what life is like without this relationship.

 

In my opinion, the relationship is already over. It was over a long time ago. You're just in denial and I feel for you. I know what that feels like to feel unloved or unwanted and unappreciated. You deserve better.

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Shady AF behavior on your part OP.

 

Essentially, you just read his diary... thoughts he didn't want to share with you. Contrary to popular belief he isn't obligated to share every single thought and feeling with you... and doing so is absolutely no indication of a relationship that is built on trust... it is in fact, an indication of the opposite... that both people are so insecure that they need to try and control all of the information they have access to.

 

You have invaded his private thoughts and feelings without asking, what essentially amounts to stalking, and now are not only experiencing the consequences of hearing the truth about yourself and your relationship, you also have the consequences of his disappointment and hurt should you decide to tell him.

 

If you want to have a healthy relationship, then take a page from your own book... let go of the past and focus on who he is now and what you want your relationship to look like going forward.

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I don't know what to say really. You seem to be quite immature, OP. Yes, people have these kinds of thoughts, especially during periods of intense, high level conflict. It's not that he had these thoughts, it's that he didn't act on them that's important here. You seem to be missing that completely.

 

Also, finding his deleted posts on Reddit is a bit more than just "snooping", you seriously need some help OP. What you are doing is more than just invasion of his private space and thoughts, it's grounds for him to dump you with extreme prejudice and well he should. Too be he isn't here posting because that would be my advice to your bf. It's your behavior, OP, that is completely toxic and downright deranged. You literally have no excuses here for what you are doing. You need to get your head screwed on straight and adjust your expectations to reality, not to mention stop stalking people. Yes, what you are doing amounts to creepy level stalking.

 

If you don't want to be in this relationship, can't trust the guy, then just end it. You do not act the way that you are doing right now with anyone ever.

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Ok so he uses Reddit like you use this or any other forum/site? So? You posted about him as well.

 

The fact that you think you need "detective skills" to have relationships is the most disturbing part of your post. Like a comic book, more than dating. You need more independence from him.

 

Your own courses, your own friends, holidays with your own family/friends etc. Maturity is not being creepy to achieve things it's being real and thinking for yourself.

he often uses Reddit's relationship advice forum to vent/ask for advice.

 

With my detective skills....

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I never said there is anything wrong with him asking for advice online. I was just stating a fact

 

What is "wrong" is your reaction to what you've discovered through your snooping. What, if anything have you discovered during your walk through his business did you discover, in the present, that would have you so upset?

 

Your reaction is based on history, not the present.

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I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thing to think especially with someone you supposedly love

My dear, again... this was in the past. What, if anything have you discovered since you promised one another to put the past in the past, that would cause you to feel upset. He didn't cheat on you, he had thoughts of doing it but he didn't.

 

Either YOU learn to let go of the past and concentrate on the present, taking one day at a time with him or you leave him and get on with the grieving process so you can heal and find someone else. In the meantime, please seriously consider getting yourself into therapy so that you learn to be less untrusting in general or, like I said, you will be taking a good chance on always feeling up set as you snoop through your future (or present) partners business and find things you wish you didn't know.

 

As a couple we are not entitled to every thought our partners have during good times or bad times within the relationship. Before internet and message boards like this, you would have never discovered his most inner (and fleeting) thoughts so keep things in perspective.

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Your relationship hit a low point and you've reconciled and worked things out. . .yet you are able to find deleted posts on Reddit (how?) to find out he had second thoughts about your relationship during the time you weren't getting along?

 

I'd consider that pretty normal really. Not sure what the fuss is about.

 

A few things I've learned:

If I find myself tempted to be a detective and snoop - it's a sign I am not in a healthy place or a healthy relationship. The things uncovered while snooping are just a symptom of something bigger. Deal with the bigger picture, not the evidence of something you are already aware of.

 

Secondly - I've learned that if I am going to snoop, I'd be better be prepared to handle the information and even better prepared to act on it. It makes no sense to dig up something like this and just let it fester and poison an already fragile relationship. Especially in light of you saying that you two were getting along and moving forward.

 

All in all, the lesson is - don't snoop. Don't snoop if you can't handle it.

If you find yourself tempted to, then you are in the wrong relationship.

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I recall your last thread clearly—and recall being pretty certain that you'd be back with him. Think a lot of us said as much. No shame, though. This is life, learning, and sometimes we need to walk into some swamps to really learn what a swamp is.

 

In a vacuum I'd be saying all the same things TwT is saying, but in this case I'd say this highest road to take here is to acknowledge that you know you are in a relationship with someone who is very bad for you. This is fact: the earth is round, the sun sets in the west, and this is not a good relationship for you to be in.

 

You proved that yourself by doing some detective work—evidence that you're not secure in this relationship or trusting, of either of him or yourself. You're kind of hooked on the toxins, as happens with toxic love. Had you stumbled upon a thread where he was saying sweet things and bemoaning his own behavior—well, it really wouldn't matter that much. You're in a suspicious, defensive state of mind—the opposite mindset required for healthy romantic connection.

 

And you're there for a reason: this guy is bad news. Now you have more evidence. All that time he was berating you about something you did before you were with him? Well, he was spending that time thinking of cheating on you. A shock to you, I know, but it's really not shocking. It's human nature, at least among some humans: deflection and projection, blaming others for our sins, trying to make another feel filthy so we can feel a bit cleaner.

 

I know how hard this is, how much you don't want to let go, how much you want to believe that everything is about to smooth over. But think about it clearly for a moment. That pain—mixed in the with hope—is kind of the default zone of this romance. It's a zone that isn't good for your spirit, is leading you to engage in behavior that is similar to the very behavior of his that so bothered you. Simple math tells you were this is going.

 

In your shoes right now? I would really make an appointment with a therapist. Find someone who can walk you through these feelings, and help you get to the root of why you want to keep engaging in a form of love that hurts you. There is another way to go about this, but I don't think you're going to find that way next to him.

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I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thought to have especially with someone you supposedly love

 

There is nothing shocking or even upsetting about a person considering exiting a relationship when there is high conflict happening. On that note, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes love means set them free and find someone else to love for yourself.

 

Again, he didn't cheat on you. Thinking, considering that there may be better options for you out there - normal.

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There is nothing shocking or even upsetting about a person considering exiting a relationship when there is high conflict happening. On that note, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes love means set them free and find someone else to love for yourself.

 

Again, he didn't cheat on you. Thinking, considering that there may be better options for you out there - normal.

 

What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.

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It sounds like you are overreacting to some Reddit posts because the relationship is so messed up in the first place. The irony is you do not want to just ask him what he meant by that so you'll have to spin this every which way driving yourself crazy with how coulds and what ifs.

 

And this is why the relationship is toxic. Do you think happy relationships revolve around getting in snits over forum posts or past lovers etc? You are both living in a sort of secret hell that is very phony on its surface.

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What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.

 

OK, so what are you going to do about it now that you know his true character?

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What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.

 

So? What are YOU going to do about it?

 

Are you going to stay with him and have all of these doubts that fuel your insecurity?

Are you going to stay with him and try (with the help of therapy) to get past your insecurity, trust issues and fear of being without him so you stay and suffer?

Are you going to leave him, work on yourself with the help of a professional?

Are you going to leave him, and do nothing to help you be the best you that you can be?

 

Its your final call. We can't tell you what to do. We can only give you suggestions and point out what are, in our opinions the healthiest for you going forward in what decision you choose.

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What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.

 

This isn't what is really upsetting, I'm sorry, at least from my vantage point.

 

What is upsetting is that, for months, this man berated you, routinely made you feel like trash. That leaves a mark, a wound. Adding to the upset? Thinking you can treat the wound with the source. That is all very human stuff, but you're not dealing with in a way that cherishes your own humanity.

 

So, what now? You have numerous options. You can choke this down, and suffer. You can try to talk to him, see how that makes you feel. You can leave him, acknowledging that you have all the evidence one needs—your snooping plus your discovery—to know you're not in something healthy.

 

Which of those doors strikes you as the right one to walk through?

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I told him the past will be left in the past and if he ever brings the past up again, then we're over for good. He's kept his word and has never brought up the past since, so things have been good between us.

 

Clearly not as you have been snooping through his trash. And being completely hypocritical by throwing his past back in his face.

 

I will be very interested to see how things pan out after you tell him what you were doing.... my guess is that there will be a massive power struggle as you sling mud at each other about your pasts.

 

Each to their own though.

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This isn't what is really upsetting, I'm sorry, at least from my vantage point.

 

What is upsetting is that, for months, this man berated you, routinely made you feel like trash. That leaves a mark, a wound. Adding to the upset? Thinking you can treat the wound with the source. That is all very human stuff, but you're not dealing with in a way that cherishes your own humanity.

 

So, what now? You have numerous options. You can choke this down, and suffer. You can try to talk to him, see how that makes you feel. You can leave him, acknowledging that you have all the evidence one needs—your snooping plus your discovery—to know you're not in something healthy.

 

Which of those doors strikes you as the right one to walk through?

 

While I’m not all that well versed on her previous post, outside of the word abuse being use a whole lot, I think you might be considering the thought process of a grown adult and placing it on this 20 something where her relationship maturity threshold simply isn’t quite there yet.

 

I actually think what she’s saying is what she’s truly thinking and truly upset about because as other have stated this is what toxic 20 something relationships are about, think back to your relationships then. We’re you not hypocritical? A but illogical, ran by your emotions?

 

It’s the same here.

 

She’s got a whole 20 page post calling the guy abusive, is his post about thinking of cheating really that out of the spectrum?

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Clearly not as you have been snooping through his trash. And being completely hypocritical by throwing his past back in his face.

 

I will be very interested to see how things pan out after you tell him what you were doing.... my guess is that there will be a massive power struggle as you sling mud at each other about your pasts.

 

Each to their own though.

 

Kinda the point I was trying to make to blue

 

After being so adamant they start fresh and him following these rules she goes and breaks them, not by accident but purposefully. Dragging their past back into the light, ripping the freshly healed scab off.

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