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Thread: Finding new details about bf after getting back together that makes me feel sick

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.
    So? What are YOU going to do about it?

    Are you going to stay with him and have all of these doubts that fuel your insecurity?
    Are you going to stay with him and try (with the help of therapy) to get past your insecurity, trust issues and fear of being without him so you stay and suffer?
    Are you going to leave him, work on yourself with the help of a professional?
    Are you going to leave him, and do nothing to help you be the best you that you can be?

    Its your final call. We can't tell you what to do. We can only give you suggestions and point out what are, in our opinions the healthiest for you going forward in what decision you choose.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.
    This isn't what is really upsetting, I'm sorry, at least from my vantage point.

    What is upsetting is that, for months, this man berated you, routinely made you feel like trash. That leaves a mark, a wound. Adding to the upset? Thinking you can treat the wound with the source. That is all very human stuff, but you're not dealing with in a way that cherishes your own humanity.

    So, what now? You have numerous options. You can choke this down, and suffer. You can try to talk to him, see how that makes you feel. You can leave him, acknowledging that you have all the evidence one needs—your snooping plus your discovery—to know you're not in something healthy.

    Which of those doors strikes you as the right one to walk through?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I told him the past will be left in the past and if he ever brings the past up again, then we're over for good. He's kept his word and has never brought up the past since, so things have been good between us.
    Clearly not as you have been snooping through his trash. And being completely hypocritical by throwing his past back in his face.

    I will be very interested to see how things pan out after you tell him what you were doing.... my guess is that there will be a massive power struggle as you sling mud at each other about your pasts.

    Each to their own though.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This isn't what is really upsetting, I'm sorry, at least from my vantage point.

    What is upsetting is that, for months, this man berated you, routinely made you feel like trash. That leaves a mark, a wound. Adding to the upset? Thinking you can treat the wound with the source. That is all very human stuff, but you're not dealing with in a way that cherishes your own humanity.

    So, what now? You have numerous options. You can choke this down, and suffer. You can try to talk to him, see how that makes you feel. You can leave him, acknowledging that you have all the evidence one needs—your snooping plus your discovery—to know you're not in something healthy.

    Which of those doors strikes you as the right one to walk through?
    While I’m not all that well versed on her previous post, outside of the word abuse being use a whole lot, I think you might be considering the thought process of a grown adult and placing it on this 20 something where her relationship maturity threshold simply isn’t quite there yet.

    I actually think what she’s saying is what she’s truly thinking and truly upset about because as other have stated this is what toxic 20 something relationships are about, think back to your relationships then. We’re you not hypocritical? A but illogical, ran by your emotions?

    It’s the same here.

    She’s got a whole 20 page post calling the guy abusive, is his post about thinking of cheating really that out of the spectrum?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Clearly not as you have been snooping through his trash. And being completely hypocritical by throwing his past back in his face.

    I will be very interested to see how things pan out after you tell him what you were doing.... my guess is that there will be a massive power struggle as you sling mud at each other about your pasts.

    Each to their own though.
    Kinda the point I was trying to make to blue

    After being so adamant they start fresh and him following these rules she goes and breaks them, not by accident but purposefully. Dragging their past back into the light, ripping the freshly healed scab off.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    While I’m not all that well versed on her previous post, outside of the word abuse being use a whole lot, I think you might be considering the thought process of a grown adult and placing it on this 20 something where her relationship maturity threshold simply isn’t quite there yet.

    I actually think what she’s saying is what she’s truly thinking and truly upset about because as other have stated this is what toxic 20 something relationships are about, think back to your relationships then. We’re you not hypocritical? A but illogical, ran by your emotions?

    It’s the same here.

    She’s got a whole 20 page post calling the guy abusive, is his post about thinking of cheating really that out of the spectrum?
    I’ll agree with every word here. I think what I’m latching onto is the opening of this whole thread—the part where somegirl seems to think (know?) that getting back together with him was a mistake.

    And as I said: it’s not. It’s life. And so the question now becomes: how do you want to continue to live it?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I’ll agree with every word here. I think what I’m latching onto is the opening of this whole thread—the part where somegirl seems to think (know?) that getting back together with him was a mistake.

    And as I said: it’s not. It’s life. And so the question now becomes: how do you want to continue to live it?
    Excellent point, as always.

  9. #28
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    The moment you need to use your 'detective skills' - for anything other than trying to arrange a special surprise or gift - you are SERIOUSLY in the wrong relationship. Either it means that the other person's untrustworthy, or has done something to make you think they are... in which case why are you still with them? OR you are too paranoid to relax and let them just be who they are, in which case you need to look long and hard at yourself.

    One of life's ironies is that people who are suspicious by nature will unconsciously get involved with people who will confirm that world view. A healthier person, with a proper self-regard, will not hang around in relationships where they feel worthless and untrusting of the other person. They will also be more alert to red flags in the early stages.

    In your case, you have a choice. You can either chalk it up to experience and put it behind you, and concentrate on moving forwards in your relationship, or end it and spend some time single before getting involved with someone you feel you can trust. But staying in a relationship with this level of suspicion and hidden resentment will do you no good at all.

  10. #29
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    OP you either trust him or you don't. Answer that question then you can decide whether to stay or leave.

    I think you snooped tbf. You don't accidentally find that kind of information harmlessly surfing the Web. You went out of your way which says to me you don't trust him.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What would have ever given you the naive idea that anyone who's unhappy inside a toxic relationship would NOT entertain fantasies about being with someone else who sees them as fabulous?

    People tend to move toward pleasure and away from pain. Either you're confident enough in the current state of your relationship to keep it and enjoy it, or not. If not, then it wasn't too bright to corner yourself with such a harsh and unyielding edict:
    I told him the past will be left in the past and if he ever brings the past up again, then we're over for good.
    It makes no sense to prescribe such a thing and then go snooping to find something from the past that you've already vowed to never talk about.

    You get to decide now whether you'll talk yourself into misery or not.

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