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Thread: Finding new details about bf after getting back together that makes me feel sick

  1. #11
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    I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thought to have especially with someone you supposedly love

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thought to have especially with someone you supposedly love
    And you wouldn’t have known a thing but for snooping. Maybe you need to show him this site.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thing to think especially with someone you supposedly love
    My dear, again... this was in the past. What, if anything have you discovered since you promised one another to put the past in the past, that would cause you to feel upset. He didn't cheat on you, he had thoughts of doing it but he didn't.

    Either YOU learn to let go of the past and concentrate on the present, taking one day at a time with him or you leave him and get on with the grieving process so you can heal and find someone else. In the meantime, please seriously consider getting yourself into therapy so that you learn to be less untrusting in general or, like I said, you will be taking a good chance on always feeling up set as you snoop through your future (or present) partners business and find things you wish you didn't know.

    As a couple we are not entitled to every thought our partners have during good times or bad times within the relationship. Before internet and message boards like this, you would have never discovered his most inner (and fleeting) thoughts so keep things in perspective.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Your relationship hit a low point and you've reconciled and worked things out. . .yet you are able to find deleted posts on Reddit (how?) to find out he had second thoughts about your relationship during the time you weren't getting along?

    I'd consider that pretty normal really. Not sure what the fuss is about.

    A few things I've learned:
    If I find myself tempted to be a detective and snoop - it's a sign I am not in a healthy place or a healthy relationship. The things uncovered while snooping are just a symptom of something bigger. Deal with the bigger picture, not the evidence of something you are already aware of.

    Secondly - I've learned that if I am going to snoop, I'd be better be prepared to handle the information and even better prepared to act on it. It makes no sense to dig up something like this and just let it fester and poison an already fragile relationship. Especially in light of you saying that you two were getting along and moving forward.

    All in all, the lesson is - don't snoop. Don't snoop if you can't handle it.
    If you find yourself tempted to, then you are in the wrong relationship.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Were YOU happy during all the fights? Were YOU as happy as you could be?

    You broke up with him - so clearly the answer is no. Why isn’t he allowed to also have feelings?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I recall your last thread clearly—and recall being pretty certain that you'd be back with him. Think a lot of us said as much. No shame, though. This is life, learning, and sometimes we need to walk into some swamps to really learn what a swamp is.

    In a vacuum I'd be saying all the same things TwT is saying, but in this case I'd say this highest road to take here is to acknowledge that you know you are in a relationship with someone who is very bad for you. This is fact: the earth is round, the sun sets in the west, and this is not a good relationship for you to be in.

    You proved that yourself by doing some detective work—evidence that you're not secure in this relationship or trusting, of either of him or yourself. You're kind of hooked on the toxins, as happens with toxic love. Had you stumbled upon a thread where he was saying sweet things and bemoaning his own behavior—well, it really wouldn't matter that much. You're in a suspicious, defensive state of mind—the opposite mindset required for healthy romantic connection.

    And you're there for a reason: this guy is bad news. Now you have more evidence. All that time he was berating you about something you did before you were with him? Well, he was spending that time thinking of cheating on you. A shock to you, I know, but it's really not shocking. It's human nature, at least among some humans: deflection and projection, blaming others for our sins, trying to make another feel filthy so we can feel a bit cleaner.

    I know how hard this is, how much you don't want to let go, how much you want to believe that everything is about to smooth over. But think about it clearly for a moment. That pain—mixed in the with hope—is kind of the default zone of this romance. It's a zone that isn't good for your spirit, is leading you to engage in behavior that is similar to the very behavior of his that so bothered you. Simple math tells you were this is going.

    In your shoes right now? I would really make an appointment with a therapist. Find someone who can walk you through these feelings, and help you get to the root of why you want to keep engaging in a form of love that hurts you. There is another way to go about this, but I don't think you're going to find that way next to him.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I’m sure anyone would be upset if they found out that their S.O. had thought of cheating on them. That’s not a normal thought to have especially with someone you supposedly love
    There is nothing shocking or even upsetting about a person considering exiting a relationship when there is high conflict happening. On that note, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes love means set them free and find someone else to love for yourself.

    Again, he didn't cheat on you. Thinking, considering that there may be better options for you out there - normal.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    There is nothing shocking or even upsetting about a person considering exiting a relationship when there is high conflict happening. On that note, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes love means set them free and find someone else to love for yourself.

    Again, he didn't cheat on you. Thinking, considering that there may be better options for you out there - normal.
    What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are overreacting to some Reddit posts because the relationship is so messed up in the first place. The irony is you do not want to just ask him what he meant by that so you'll have to spin this every which way driving yourself crazy with how coulds and what ifs.

    And this is why the relationship is toxic. Do you think happy relationships revolve around getting in snits over forum posts or past lovers etc? You are both living in a sort of secret hell that is very phony on its surface.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    What's upsetting is that he was "so afraid of cheating" on me as if it's something he doesn't have complete control over... It would be different if he wrote that he was going to break up with me first and THEN pursue this girl. But he didn't, he thought of clinging onto me and cheating.
    OK, so what are you going to do about it now that you know his true character?

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