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Thread: Argument After Night Out w Boyfriend's Female Friend.

  1. #51
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    If it were me on a night out with my girlfriend and my other friends, and one of them started to openly flirt with me, even going so far as suggesting a threesome, even jokingly, and I can see that it was bothering my girlfriend, I would either shut that friend down firmly, or remove both myself and my girlfriend from the situation, and reassess whether I want that sort of friend in my life. I certainly would not give her any attitude when she brings it up to me, or be dismissive of her concerns.

    Behaving badly does not mean just proactively doing something bad. It can also be the lack of appropriate action when circumstances call for action.
    Sorry: One point you are making that I can concur with is "I certainly would not give her any attitude when she brings it up to me or be dismissive of her concerns."

    Op: Is a victim of a rocky relationship in which she has tried to give a go at reconciliation. If she wants to be with him, then she best learn to communicate with him, not keep silent and then go at him after the fact when likely in his eyes, he didn't do a thing wrong but was the recipient of the administrations of some chica with poor boundaries and a brazen personality.

    Bottom line is its not about what you would do or what I think... it's about the op, her own personal boundaries and whether or not she is in a relationship wherein she feels valued. If she doesn't then she needs to have the confidence to exit it and stop complaining about him on here which she has done more than once. Nothing for her will change if SHE doesn't do some changing.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    To kinda build on what TWT is saying.

    This is their dynamic.

    OPer describes her boyfriend as a white knight type, her words, she feels she need to prove herself to him, putting them in a parent child dynamic

    No judgement whatsoever. If it works for them, it works for them.

    For whatever reason, in my humble opinion, every now and then she seems to choose to try to fit this relationship into normal parameters which itís not.

    Iíve already said, logic tells me the situation did not go down as she described. Sorry, this is a poster who stated all women are catty and competitive, if youíre on the defense everything appears as an attack. But it is quite possible she was being flirty, absolutely.

    So in comes the argument: well he should have defended my honor.

    Thatís the problem with having a relationship where their issues kinda yin yang one another. Heís the caretaker, he needs to feel needed, the ego boost

    Is it just me or does anyone else imagine a guy who is in a relationship where his partner pretty much worships him, would like attention from women?

    So realistically this type of man, is being who he is and has always been, right? Heís going to be her white knight, but white knights typically need to feel needed and desired, they crave that ego boost so of course he would see no issue with the flirting, this is a man who sees no issue having a girlfriend who is his own personal congregation of worshippers.


    On the flip side, she wrote a whole a** post about his coworkers and in a nutshell explained why she felt threatened by them/ insecure around them.

    Again is it that far fetched to think a woman with admitted low self esteem, would feel threatened by well any woman in close proximity to her boyfriend?

    So Knowing their dynamic again based on her words, OF COURSE, this happened.. Iím not a betting woman but Iíd bet a shiny nickel a variation of this argument will live on on various forms because thatís what happens when broken seeks broken. You get a broken relationship. You canít willingly get into a broken relationship with your eyes wide open and then cry foul when it doesnít have a story book ending.

    Being in a relationship is a choice.

    Mental health can be diagnosed and delved into.

    If you choose the relationship as a coping mechanism well... accept your limitations for Peteís sake...

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    Billie this isnít a court of law and she isnít being accused of running a red light.
    An equivalent to what youíre saying would be: ď well yeah I ran the red light 6 times but what does that have to do with the ticket youíre giving meĒ

    Had we not known anything about her prior posts of course everyoneís advice would be different.

    Context always matters. Sheís a grown adult who refuses to face her demons, sheís going to keep going in circles until she decides sheís done, this situation? Not unlike her other situations, thatís not coming from judgement itís coming from acknowledging her own words.
    Of course this isnít a court of law.

    My reference to that was, if we were to use your analogy of running a red light , just because she did run a red light 6 times , that does not mean she did in this instance. People assume she did based on evidence of past incidences. But no basis on evidence of this one.

    In this one incident , I personally believe that the bf was not mindful , respectful or caring of the OP. An inconsiderate A. Hole.

    Yes in the past she may have responded abnormally to a normal situation due to her insecurities. But I donít believe so in this scenario. She didnít cause a scene. She discussed it at a more appropriate time with him.
    He disagrees his behaviour was inappropriate. Thatís fine. He is entitled to his opinion.
    If that morally doesnít sit well with her , then yes , she should leave him.

    So, I think we are in agreement here essentially that she should break up with him , but imo mostly because he is not the great guy she thinks he is.
    Instead of focusing on her issues , which yes she does need to address , why are people dismissing his actions which I believe are not admirable.

    Again , to use your analogy , I donít think she ran a red light this time , itís more like he reported that she did.
    And based on the fact that she did previously , people are not paying attention to the context.

    Yes context matters!

  4. #54
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I've been addressing THIS thread for the most part. Again, He didn't do the flirting, he didn't initiate the context that came out of the floozie's mouth, he didn't do anything but bump into her when she stopped suddenly. His "actions" were far from anything but being an innocent bystander to the antics of a skanky woman that he likely is very conflict avoidant with.

    You can't blame someone for something they didn't initiate. Now. If the op didn't like what the floozie was up to then she should have told her boyfriend to shut her down. If after that, he didn't shut it down, then his actions would be "not mindful , respectful or caring of the OP."

    He's likely been "entertained" by the friends antics for a long time and just considered it going to be "one of those nights" as he said to her when she made it so he bumped into her.

    IMO, Painting the Op's boyfriend as "not mindful, respectful or caring of the Op" in this particular instance, will just reinforce the Op's insecurity, lack of good communication with him in the moment, fear of speaking out and have assumptions that he should just know that it would upset her is enabling dialogue that will not help her to get over her lack of confidence, insecurity and anxiety about him and other women in general.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    OP,

    Did you sit down with the boyfriend after this night and have a frank talk about what transpired? You two need a SOBER, serious talk. Him "not remembering/hearing/seeing" what was said and done is a load of crap. His friend was trashy and disrespectful and I think it's crappy of him that he would put up with that behavior.

    If he continues to make excuses for her and doesn't see the error in what he did, then I would seriously rethink this relationship. ESPECIALLY since he considers her a "Good friend". This isn't like this was a client or someone that he has to grin and bear the company of for a night in order to make a good first impression. He considers this trashbag to be a "good friend". Who knows how she treats him when you're not around - but that's why she's a "good friend", he LIKES the treatment. And that's a problem.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Of course this isnít a court of law.

    My reference to that was, if we were to use your analogy of running a red light , just because she did run a red light 6 times , that does not mean she did in this instance. People assume she did based on evidence of past incidences. But no basis on evidence of this one.

    In this one incident , I personally believe that the bf was not mindful , respectful or caring of the OP. An inconsiderate A. Hole.

    Yes in the past she may have responded abnormally to a normal situation due to her insecurities. But I donít believe so in this scenario. She didnít cause a scene. She discussed it at a more appropriate time with him.
    He disagrees his behaviour was inappropriate. Thatís fine. He is entitled to his opinion.
    If that morally doesnít sit well with her , then yes , she should leave him.

    So, I think we are in agreement here essentially that she should break up with him , but imo mostly because he is not the great guy she thinks he is.
    Instead of focusing on her issues , which yes she does need to address , why are people dismissing his actions which I believe are not admirable.

    Again , to use your analogy , I donít think she ran a red light this time , itís more like he reported that she did.
    And based on the fact that she did previously , people are not paying attention to the context.

    Yes context matters!
    Ah, makes perfect sense.

    Thanks for clarifying.

  8. #57
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    He can't control what other people say, but for the fact that she talks about threesomes in his presence tells me full well he knows what she is about and it titillates him, because if he were serious about the OP, he wouldn't be going on psuedo-dates with other women (it seems he went out with her before, and the OP joined up a different time). Yes, good that the OP is with him this time, but the guy has zero boundaries. I mean, this woman is not "one of the guys" "the like a sister to me" showing up in her messy bun and sports team sweatshirt -- she is showing up in an overtly sexy outfit and making inneundos and he is not shutting her down. if she were "including" the OP - wanting to get to know her and stuff that would be another matter or if it was "a group from the office" the prior time. But the OP is like a third wheel on their "date".

    I had an ex like this who would act like i was the one with the problem when he rubbed a woman's shoulders "because she had a bad day" or if a woman sat on his lap.

    I really think this guy is not the catch the OP thinks he is

  9. #58
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I had an ex like this who would act like i was the one with the problem when he rubbed a woman's shoulders "because she had a bad day"
    In that instance: Your boyfriend instigated the inappropriateness. Op's boyfriend did not instigate any of it. I will say that I am confident enough to tell a woman to please get off my husband's knee so I could sit on it. We've been married for 43 years and that's not because I let other women without respect or boundaries for another woman's partner go unchanllenged.

    I don't think he's a catch for this op either. They have different sensibilities and she is not confident in herself enough to tolerate the very essence that is him. She is far too sensitive, nonconfident and insecure for him.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    In that instance: Your boyfriend instigated the inappropriateness. Op's boyfriend did not instigate any of it. I will say that I am confident enough to tell a woman to please get off my husband's knee so I could sit on it. We've been married for 43 years and that's not because I let other women without respect or boundaries for another woman's partner go unchanllenged.

    I don't think he's a catch for this op either. They have different sensibilities and she is not confident in herself enough to tolerate the very essence that is him. She is far too sensitive, nonconfident and insecure for him.
    If a woman walked up to him and sat on his lap -- yes, she initiated it.
    I do think, in the OP's defense, the first time you see something and it goes unchecked sometimes you are too flabbergasted to say anything.
    I do think when i was op's age, I would be less likely to say something to the woman and more likely to address it after we got home.

    I agree that they are mismatched. She DOES have a choice for growth and to grow a voice - she is not too old or set in her ways to change - but will see?

    Overall, i think telling her they are mismatched will make her grovel to him more to keep him. SO choice is -- leave him and work on herself or open her mouth and let it fly and if he can't take it - so what.

  11. #60
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Yes, well I guess it goes to "we teach people how to treat us." I think its in her best interests to teach him what upsets her and if he keeps doing it after that, well then if she stays with him, then she will always get what she's always gotten and that will be her choice. However; to come to a forum board and continue to complain about him while SHE does nothing but try to get/hear validation for her indignation over his actions (or lack thereof) does nothing for her personal growth.

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