Jump to content

Argument After Night Out w Boyfriend's Female Friend.


ConfusedLady21

Recommended Posts

This is killing me. I need to know if I am wrong to feel the way that I feel.

 

I don't mind my boyfriend hanging out with other women. We are both adults and I trust him. I don't feel like he would do anything behind my back. On Thursday, he hung out with this girl whom we shall call M. He invited me out to hang with the both of them, but I backed out due to social anxiety. I was feeling low on energy from work and I just wasn't feeling up to it. I am a bit bothered by the fact that he told her that I had social anxiety.

 

That next day, he invited me out to hang with both him and her again. He told me that I could get out more and that being exposed to more people would get me out of my shell. Reluctantly, I agreed to go with him. That's what normal girlfriends do, they go places with their boyfriends. And usually I don't mind if it's just us, I just get a little nervous when it comes to hanging out with other people. I do it. I act normal, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't racing.

 

So we arrive at the bar where M and her guy (gay) friend is with her (M is apparently bisexual). We all sit at the bar and we have a couple of drinks before we go to our next location. Fast forward to the issue at hand. We enter another casino, and M goes on to tell us that she had one of her birthdays here. Where she "effed" both her boyfriend and his friend. But she stayed with her boyfriend's friend the whole night instead. Okay, to each their own, I'm not judging. Then when we walked a little further into the casino and she said that she would "eff" both my boyfriend and me, and that we could thank her later. (My boyfriend said that he did not recall her saying this, which upsets me. I mean it could be a possibility because we were inside a loud area, but still..) I was put off by that in a negative way. Then THIS BS happened. She purposely abruptly stopped walking in front of my boyfriend so that he could run into the back of her. Not one, but TWICE, accompanied with a giggle and a playful "Oops! I'm sorry". Like I wasn't even standing there.

 

I was furious, but I kept it cool because I didn't want to ruin the night. I do that all the time to my boyfriend so that I could press my butt up against him. I grabbed my boyfriend by the arm and told him that I'm being nice to his "friend" to preserve the night. My boyfriend claims that he did not remember her doing it a second time. The things he has forgotten is too convenient for me. When we got home, my attitude grew. I'm pissed because he didn't defend us. I felt like he let his trashy friend disrespect not only me, but us. He did not defend us. He didn't say anything to protect us. The only thing he said to M when she did that was " I didn't know it was going to be that kind of night..." That's not sufficient enough for me. Maybe just a simple "Hey, my girlfriend is right here."

 

Then, what pissed me off even more, is that I felt like he was making excuses for her. I told him that it was outright disrespectful. He tells me that she probably wasn't serious and that she was just joking. That there is more than one possible reason for her actions. He didn't find her actions disrespectful at all. Then what the heck was it? I don't think it was innocent. I have refused to go out with some of my guy friends because I consider my boyfriends feelings, even when he didn't know about it. That entire night, men tried to talk to me when I was separated from the group. I never flirted, I stayed true to him. Any men that could possibly threaten what we have, I eliminate all chances of that happening. I don't feel like he did the same for me. I was so heated last night, and I feel so bad for how far our argument went, but I was just so disappointed in him. Am I over reacting?

Link to comment
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

She acted in a trashy, tacky, disrespectful way. Sounds like she likes to be the center of attention and since you were there she was acting out. Doesn't excuse it at all, just making an observation. It also sounds like the plan was not conducive at all to having normal conversations and having fun because it was so focused on drinking - you all chose to drink and chose the consequences but that environment just exacerbates these kinds of issues. I don't see why he views her as a good friend.

Link to comment

And why are you with this boyfriend that is clearly enjoying the attention and, frankly, trying to get you on board with something something with this other woman?

 

At this point it is absurd for you to think you are fine with him hanging out with other women. That is either extremely naive on your part, or evidence of denial.

 

If I were you, I would pass entirely on this BF and kick him to the curb.

 

You do not share the same value system regarding relationships.

Link to comment

Flip the situation and if your male bisexual friend offered a threesome with you and your boyfriend, and openly tried to seduce you (or at least flirt) infront of him, he would have flipped out 100%.

 

So no, you are not over-reacting. Dump this immature man child who clearly does not understand boundaries and does not respect you.

Link to comment

Can everyone remember who the OPer is?

 

Just take a look at past posts refresh your memories..

 

Ok y’all back?

 

Great!

 

The OPer knows full well what type of relationship she’s in, she knows how deep her insecurities go and how codependent she is with her boyfriend.

 

She isn’t presenting this under the lens of normalcy. Their relationship is far from normal but it works for them, advising her she’s right to allow her anxiety to run the show is a hinderance to her because until she makes the adult decision to handle her sh*t, this is her life and it’s best to not feed into any of it. She chooses to live this way, this whole song and dance asking for advice on this site, all part of the merry go round.

 

/rant.

Link to comment

Your boyfriend can play dumb all he likes, but he's well aware of what she was doing and how she was behaving. He's excusing it or pretending not to know only to appease you.

 

Why would you date a man that not only: 1.) Allows other women to behave this way with him and doesn't care if you see it or not? 2.) Does not care if another woman disrespects you right in front of him and refuses to defend you or your relationship?. 3.) Lies and calls this a "friend"? and 4.) Would hang out with someone this trashy, nevermind call her a "good friend"?

 

It's obvious that there is more than meets the eye in this situation. You can either accept it or you can end things with him. But what you cannot do is force him to change how things are with her or be honest with you on how close they actually get.

Link to comment
Can everyone remember who the OPer is?

 

Just take a look at past posts refresh your memories..

 

Ok y’all back?

 

Great!

 

The OPer knows full well what type of relationship she’s in, she knows how deep her insecurities go and how codependent she is with her boyfriend.

 

She isn’t presenting this under the lens of normalcy. Their relationship is far from normal but it works for them, advising her she’s right to allow her anxiety to run the show is a hinderance to her because until she makes the adult decision to handle her sh*t, this is her life and it’s best to not feed into any of it. She chooses to live this way, this whole song and dance asking for advice on this site, all part of the merry go round.

 

/rant.

 

 

I did not come here to get attacked. I don't know you and you certainly don't know me. Personal improvement is a daily thing. I am not co dependent on a man, I have ended relationships over disrespect. I handled my sh*t last night by being respectful to all parties even though I didn't feel like that was returned. I know how to handle myself in public. So take your opinion and screw off. Please and thanks.

Link to comment

It's surely disrespectful. Having said that, it's someone your boyfriend chooses to be friends with and, therefore, is very likely to continue hanging out with. Would you be able to live with that in light of recent events?

 

Also, how long have they been friends for and are they close friends?

Link to comment
It's surely disrespectful. Having said that, it's someone your boyfriend chooses to be friends with and, therefore, is very likely to continue hanging out with. Would you be able to live with that in light of recent events?

 

Also, how long have they been friends for and are they close friends?

 

 

 

We apparently all work together. He has been knowing this girl for quite some time. I told him if he's going to hang out with her, by all means. I just don't want to know about it. I just don't feel like he's the type of man to cheat on me. I've been insecure in relationships, this isn't it.

Link to comment

Dating this man isn't going to improve your anxiety.

 

You don't believe you're "good enough" for him, you're intimidated by his coworkers and his friends and you look to him to reassure you he actually does like you.

 

This is not a healthy way to relate to a romantic partner or a healthy way to conduct a relationship.

 

I asked before but I don't recall what your answer was...what treatment are you currently receiving for your anxiety?

Link to comment
Flip the situation and if your male bisexual friend offered a threesome with you and your boyfriend, and openly tried to seduce you (or at least flirt) infront of him, he would have flipped out 100%.

 

So no, you are not over-reacting. Dump this immature man child who clearly does not understand boundaries and does not respect you.

 

I asked him the same question. That if maybe a guy friend of mine "joked" with me in a flirty way like that, would he be okay. Then he'll tell me, that he wouldn't be okay with him, because then it would be intentional. He mentions that he has abruptly stopped walking to have his friends run into him as well... Which I question. He said it was just a friendly thing. And if anything were to happen between them it would've happened a long time ago.

Link to comment
Dating this man isn't going to improve your anxiety.

 

You don't believe you're "good enough" for him, you're intimidated by his coworkers and his friends and you look to him to reassure you he actually does like you.

 

This is not a healthy way to relate to a romantic partner or a healthy way to conduct a relationship.

 

I asked before but I don't recall what your answer was...what treatment are you currently receiving for your anxiety?

 

I don't want medication. So I handle it on my own. I am fine. I do feel like I deserve love and respect. I am getting more comfortable in this relationship. I went out with his co workers another night and it was a success. I actually enjoyed my time with them. It's the same coworkers I've mentioned before. He has been very understanding, and he has helped me get out of my shell. But when it comes to disrespect, I deserve more than that. I know I'm worth more than that.

Link to comment
We apparently all work together. He has been knowing this girl for quite some time. I told him if he's going to hang out with her, by all means. I just don't want to know about it. I just don't feel like he's the type of man to cheat on me. I've been insecure in relationships, this isn't it.

 

Ah, okay. Thanks for answering my questions. The only thing I have to add is, be very certain that you are 100% cool with both of them being friends. If you apparently work together there's a chance of you bumping into her. You don't have to like her, but would you be able to treat her in a civil way in light of what happened?

Link to comment

Bummer.

 

How I'd look at it? You just started dating this guy, and this is the juncture—2-3 months in—when you kind of start seeing how real it can get before the stakes are super real. You meet friends, observe the person you're seeing in various environments, observe how you feel inside the relationship, and so on. Those observations allow you to step forward, step back, stay still—or, of course, step away.

 

In your shoes I'd probably be less annoyed by her behavior—tacky, boozy, attention-grabbing stuff—than to discover I was dating someone who kept that kind of company. You learn a lot about people based on who they invest in, no different than we ourselves are shaped by those we invest in.

 

So, with that in mind: What are you thinking right now? Still think it's a worthwhile investment?

Link to comment
Ah, okay. Thanks for answering my questions. The only thing I have to add is, be very certain that you are 100% cool with both of them being friends. If you apparently work together there's a chance of you bumping into her. You don't have to like her, but would you be able to treat her in a civil way in light of what happened?

 

Of course. I have no problems with that. Keep it light, keep it quick and always remain cordial and respectful. I'm just not going to go out of my way to pursue a friendship with her.

Link to comment
Bummer.

 

How I'd look at it? You just started dating this guy, and this is the juncture—2-3 months in—when you kind of start seeing how real it can get before the stakes are super real. You meet friends, observe the person you're seeing in various environments, observe how you feel inside the relationship, and so on. Those observations allow you to step forward, step back, stay still—or, of course, step away.

 

In your shoes I'd probably be less annoyed by her behavior—tacky, boozy, attention-grabbing stuff—than to discover I was dating someone who kept that kind of company. You learn a lot about people based on who they invest in, no different than we ourselves are shaped by those we invest in.

 

So, with that in mind: What are you thinking right now? Still think it's a worthwhile investment?

 

Honestly, I was surprised to see him interact with this type of woman. He has been so respectful to me and I think so highly of him. His other friends that I have met so far seem very well put together with a good head on their shoulders. Why these two started hanging out is beyond me. He tells me to judge him by his actions and I really think highly of him. This has been the only questionable thing that has occurred in the 4 months of us dating so far.

Link to comment
I did not come here to get attacked. I don't know you and you certainly don't know me. Personal improvement is a daily thing. I am not co dependent on a man, I have ended relationships over disrespect. I handled my sh*t last night by being respectful to all parties even though I didn't feel like that was returned. I know how to handle myself in public. So take your opinion and screw off. Please and thanks.

 

The crazy thing is I’d say what I typed to your face, you can’t do that due to your social anxiety.

 

I’m not saying that to be insulting but rather a fact you admit to, issues you admit to, so nothing I stated is made up.

 

You do not feel good enough for your boyfriend.

 

It doesn’t take an Einstein to realize you’d be threatened by any woman around him.

 

In fact if you said you weren’t I’d say you were lying. So I’m sorry, taking all the facts you’ve given, I think it’s only logical to take your view of the night with a grain of salt.

 

I’m not disrespecting you, you’re disrespecting yourself and quite frankly the posters who took their time to give you advice before this, which you used only to soothe your anxiety knowing full well you had no intentions of changing anything.

 

You leave men who disrespect you? Then leave.

 

Again I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, don’t come for me when you gave the facts to begin with.

Link to comment
The crazy thing is I’d say what I typed to your face, you can’t do that due to your social anxiety.

 

I’m not saying that to be insulting but rather a fact you admit to, issues you admit to, so nothing I stated is made up.

 

You do not feel good enough for your boyfriend.

 

It doesn’t take an Einstein to realize you’d be threatened by any woman around him.

 

In fact if you said you weren’t I’d say you were lying. So I’m sorry, taking all the facts you’ve given, I think it’s only logical to take your view of the night with a grain of salt.

 

I’m not disrespecting you, you’re disrespecting yourself and quite frankly the posters who took their time to give you advice before this, which you used only to soothe your anxiety knowing full well you had no intentions of changing anything.

 

You leave men who disrespect you? Then leave.

 

Again I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, don’t come for me when you gave the facts to begin with.

 

I'm not the jealous type. He goes out with other ladies. Women I don't even know about. He has pretty friends, and I am there to see them. I don't get jealous. I just get nervous in social situations. And just because of that does not man that what I have observed isn't valid. That doesn't mean they I am being hypersensitive. I just nervous around people. That's it. They way you come off is not empathetic. Youre not trying to be helpful youre trying to be rude.

Link to comment
I'm not the jealous type. He goes out with other ladies. Women I don't even know about. He has pretty friends, and I am there to see them. I don't get jealous. I just get nervous in social situations. And just because of that does not man that what I have observed isn't valid. That doesn't mean they I am being hypersensitive. I just nervous around people. That's it. They way you come off is not empathetic. Youre not trying to be helpful youre trying to be rude.

 

False.

 

I was empathetic of you and gave you advice on multiple other threads of yours, multiple.

 

Eventually we just gotta call a spade a spade.

 

The tone of my post is because I find it harmful for you to indulge your demons. You’ve been told that, you’ve been advised it’s not the best idea to move in with him, to seek counseling, you push it all away, is that not rude? To combat all advice that isn’t what you want to hear yet continuously come back for us to soothe you? I don’t know I find that plenty rude.

 

You aren’t going to convince me your take is 100% how it all went down, I’m sorry like I said, logic would tell me otherwise based on what you told us here, but I will humor you:

 

Everything you said is true, your boyfriend disrespected you. No ifs buts or coconuts, on top of it he’s lying straight to your face. Again you state you’ve left when this happened before so you’re leaving now too right?

 

Or do you need validation?

 

Do you need to be told he’s a horrible no good very bad man so you can take him off the pedestal you chose to put him on?

 

You’re clear he disrespected you, look at your response to me, you know it as fact, you also stated you walk away.... so walk away....what else is there?

 

Again I’m not stating any of this as disrespect. You keep doing the same thing expecting different results Social anxiety so bad you’re afraid to socialize is not something to pretend isn’t bad...

Link to comment
False.

 

I was empathetic of you and have you advice on multiple other threads of yours, multiple.

 

Eventually we just gotta call a spade a spade.

 

The tone of my post is because I find it harmful for you to indulge your demons. You’ve been told that, you’ve been advised it’s not the best idea to move in with him, to seek counseling, you push it all away, is that not rude? To combat all advice that isn’t what you want to hear yet continuously come back for us to soothe you? I don’t know I find that plenty rude.

 

You aren’t going to convince me your take is 100% how it all went down, I’m sorry like I said, logic would tell me otherwise based on what you told us here, but I will humor you:

 

Everything you said is true, your boyfriend disrespected you. No ifs buts or coconuts, on top of it he’s lying straight to your face. Again you state you’ve left when this happened so you’re leaving now too right?

 

Or do you need validation?

 

Do you need to be told he’s a horrible no good very bad man so you can take him off the pedestal you chose to put him on?

 

You’re clear he disrespected you, look at your response to me, you know it as fact, you also stated you walk away.... so walk away....

 

 

 

You are not worth my time. I'm not about to go back and forth with you. That's why I have failed to read your latest response. Do something else with your time.

Link to comment

OP, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

 

Scratch a little under the surface and your posts are logically inconsistent and contradictory, and it is difficult to see how one would not arrive at the same conclusions as @figureitout123.

 

The truth is not easy to take, but it is the truth nevertheless. You can only move forwards if you face your reality.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...