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Thread: I messed up :(

  1. #1
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    I messed up :(

    Hello All,

    I come here with problem everytime, but this is such an amazing community - I could use some insight into my latest failure.

    I met a guy online, we were in touch for 3 years, and the past year we got really close talking on messenger, skype, exchanging pictures everyday etc. He finally decided to visit me, he lives 2h flight away. I was so excited for his visit, planned everything - food, showing him the city also I wanted us to get close. He stayed for 2,5 day.

    He was so eager to know me too, we cuddled and kissed, but I felt like maybe we are going too fast and was blocking him in further attempts. I was also not sure if he likes showing affection, so I kind of hold off on holding his hand first, or ask for a kiss or anything. I was passive. I kind of assumed we would meet again and we can take it further from there.

    But when he got back home he started to act like someone else. I asked why he feels distant and he said I didn't show up as his girlfriend. That he had to initiate everything, and even when he did I would stop him. He didn't feel like I like him at all or am excited so he got hurt. He doesn't want to meet again and said we can be friends.

    We haven't been in touch for a week now. I really don't know what happened to me, I wanted to show affection, I liked him a lot but I was constantly thinking if I should, what if he doesn't like.

    I really like him, I felt attracted to him, but I think I was really nervous seeing him for the first time. I tried to explain when we talked a week ago but he said we are just not a good match and that if we were to meet again he would be cautious and afraid of me doing the same thing again. Also that he already set his mind we can be friends so he doesn't know if he can see me again as relationship partner.

    Is there anything I can do to get second chance? I don't want to chase him so he is not annoyed, but I want him to know I really want to work on myself and meet again to show him how I really am :(

  2. #2
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    Three years is quite a long time to get to know him on-line etc. I think it was nice of him to visit you but, at the same time, I can understand your reservations about not wanting to take it further so soon. After all, this was the first time that you met IRL. Personally, I think you did the right thing by taking it slow. He, on the other hand, wanted more. Way too soon, IMO. Did he truly expect you to jump into bed on the first meeting? Let's get real. OK, some people would, I'm sure (and I'm not passing judgment), but you made an effort to explain why you were reserved and nervous. I think he's being unfair to you, and should be more respectful and certainly more understanding of your wishes and not get turned off. How dramatic of him.

    I know you like him but I feel that you explained it to him. He told you, point blank, that he doesn't want to meet again and wants to be friends. Ultimately, it's up to you if you want to be friends. Personally, I think his silence speaks volumes. He didn't even give you a second chance. Seriously??? I would suggest that you should not make to effort to get in touch with him. Don't beg. That's very unattractive. If he realises how foolish he was, he will make an effort and reach out to you. That's just my opinion.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You two had different paces at which you felt comfortable with when it came to being physical.

    You went slow (nothing wrong with that at all) but he took it as annoyance and rejection.

    He is right, you are not compatible. He is expects someone who is very fast and you're not that someone.
    You can't force things and if you do, you will end up unhappy and feeling forced.

    He's not the one.

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    Don't be dramatic. I see it like this guy came because he liked you but he also expected you to have sex with him straight away, which is ridiculous. I think you did the right thing. I'd back off and find myself someone in my city, not someone a two hour plane flight away.

    And please don't see it as a series of failures. That mentality is very toxic, crippling and quite a self fulfilling prophecy. You didn't fall and you didn't do anything wrong. HE shouldnt expect so much and it was good he has chosen to step away. You should just stop talking to him and find someone you can actually develop something in person with.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He didn't even give you a second chance. Seriously??? I would suggest that you should not make to effort to get in touch with him. Don't beg. That's very unattractive
    Agree! Do...not...beg.

    If he was anyone worthwhile in your life, he would be far more understanding and would have made you feel comfortable.

    He not does care and is willing to dump you in 2 seconds. Huge red flag right in front of your eyes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. Do not fix anything about yourself. It may have nothing to do with you. He may have just wanted to hookup. Don't be manipulated by that.

    Bring up the topic of visiting...gauge that reaction. Lay back, let him miss you a bit.
    Originally Posted by Silky Vixen
    We haven't been in touch for a week now. I really don't know what happened to me, I wanted to show affection, I liked him a lot but I was constantly thinking if I should, what if he doesn't like.
    Is there anything I can do to get second chance? I don't want to chase him so he is not annoyed, but I want him to know I really want to work on myself and meet again to show him how I really am

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think you would have felt far worse if you did jump into bed with him the first night and he left just as quickly and said.."thanks, see ya"...and used you.

    With how's he's behaving, there's no guarantee he wouldn't have.

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    Yeah I see him totally distancing himself and giving some excuse that it was nice to meet her but he's realised it's too hard to maintain something distant. Either that or he'll blow hot and cold and start dating someone local.


    There is no loss here. If he cared about her, he wouldn't just drop her like that.

  10. #9
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    He would've still dumped you even if you had slept with him--or maybe especially if you had slept with him.

    Who paid for this trip? Where did he stay while he was there?

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    I agree with everyone else. I think the guy just didn't feel into you in person and that's why he lost interest. I know you'd been talking for three years and even seen each other on Skype, but you'd never been together in person or kissed, etc. The chemistry (or lack of) you feel in real life can be very different than online. You did nothing wrong because you kissed and cuddled him. You didn't have to have sex if you didn't want to. It was only the first time you met in real life and you had a right to wait for sex. I think the guy is just looking for excuses to give you as to why he's not interested. Are there no guys in your own area you could meet? Why were you having an online relationship?

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