I messed up :(

Hello All,

I come here with problem everytime, but this is such an amazing community - I could use some insight into my latest failure.

I met a guy online, we were in touch for 3 years, and the past year we got really close talking on messenger, skype, exchanging pictures everyday etc. He finally decided to visit me, he lives 2h flight away. I was so excited for his visit, planned everything - food, showing him the city also I wanted us to get close. He stayed for 2,5 day.

He was so eager to know me too, we cuddled and kissed, but I felt like maybe we are going too fast and was blocking him in further attempts. I was also not sure if he likes showing affection, so I kind of hold off on holding his hand first, or ask for a kiss or anything. I was passive. I kind of assumed we would meet again and we can take it further from there.

But when he got back home he started to act like someone else. I asked why he feels distant and he said I didn't show up as his girlfriend. That he had to initiate everything, and even when he did I would stop him. He didn't feel like I like him at all or am excited so he got hurt. He doesn't want to meet again and said we can be friends.

We haven't been in touch for a week now. I really don't know what happened to me, I wanted to show affection, I liked him a lot but I was constantly thinking if I should, what if he doesn't like.

I really like him, I felt attracted to him, but I think I was really nervous seeing him for the first time. I tried to explain when we talked a week ago but he said we are just not a good match and that if we were to meet again he would be cautious and afraid of me doing the same thing again. Also that he already set his mind we can be friends so he doesn't know if he can see me again as relationship partner.

Is there anything I can do to get second chance? I don't want to chase him so he is not annoyed, but I want him to know I really want to work on myself and meet again to show him how I really am :(

Three years is quite a long time to get to know him on-line etc. I think it was nice of him to visit you but, at the same time, I can understand your reservations about not wanting to take it further so soon. After all, this was the first time that you met IRL. Personally, I think you did the right thing by taking it slow. He, on the other hand, wanted more. Way too soon, IMO. Did he truly expect you to jump into bed on the first meeting? Let's get real. OK, some people would, I'm sure (and I'm not passing judgment), but you made an effort to explain why you were reserved and nervous. I think he's being unfair to you, and should be more respectful and certainly more understanding of your wishes and not get turned off. How dramatic of him.

I know you like him but I feel that you explained it to him. He told you, point blank, that he doesn't want to meet again and wants to be friends. Ultimately, it's up to you if you want to be friends. Personally, I think his silence speaks volumes. He didn't even give you a second chance. Seriously??? I would suggest that you should not make to effort to get in touch with him. Don't beg. That's very unattractive. If he realises how foolish he was, he will make an effort and reach out to you. That's just my opinion.

You two had different paces at which you felt comfortable with when it came to being physical.

You went slow (nothing wrong with that at all) but he took it as annoyance and rejection.

He is right, you are not compatible. He is expects someone who is very fast and you're not that someone.

You can't force things and if you do, you will end up unhappy and feeling forced.

He's not the one.

Don't be dramatic. I see it like this guy came because he liked you but he also expected you to have sex with him straight away, which is ridiculous. I think you did the right thing. I'd back off and find myself someone in my city, not someone a two hour plane flight away.

And please don't see it as a series of failures. That mentality is very toxic, crippling and quite a self fulfilling prophecy. You didn't fall and you didn't do anything wrong. HE shouldnt expect so much and it was good he has chosen to step away. You should just stop talking to him and find someone you can actually develop something in person with.

He didn't even give you a second chance. Seriously??? I would suggest that you should not make to effort to get in touch with him. Don't beg. That's very unattractive

Agree! Do...not...beg.

If he was anyone worthwhile in your life, he would be far more understanding and would have made you feel comfortable.

He not does care and is willing to dump you in 2 seconds. Huge red flag right in front of your eyes.

Sorry this happened. Do not fix anything about yourself. It may have nothing to do with you. He may have just wanted to hookup. Don't be manipulated by that.

Bring up the topic of visiting...gauge that reaction. Lay back, let him miss you a bit.

We haven't been in touch for a week now. I really don't know what happened to me, I wanted to show affection, I liked him a lot but I was constantly thinking if I should, what if he doesn't like.

Is there anything I can do to get second chance? I don't want to chase him so he is not annoyed, but I want him to know I really want to work on myself and meet again to show him how I really am

I think you would have felt far worse if you did jump into bed with him the first night and he left just as quickly and said.."thanks, see ya"...and used you.

With how's he's behaving, there's no guarantee he wouldn't have.

Yeah I see him totally distancing himself and giving some excuse that it was nice to meet her but he's realised it's too hard to maintain something distant. Either that or he'll blow hot and cold and start dating someone local.

There is no loss here. If he cared about her, he wouldn't just drop her like that.

He would've still dumped you even if you had slept with him--or maybe especially if you had slept with him.

Who paid for this trip? Where did he stay while he was there?

I agree with everyone else. I think the guy just didn't feel into you in person and that's why he lost interest. I know you'd been talking for three years and even seen each other on Skype, but you'd never been together in person or kissed, etc. The chemistry (or lack of) you feel in real life can be very different than online. You did nothing wrong because you kissed and cuddled him. You didn't have to have sex if you didn't want to. It was only the first time you met in real life and you had a right to wait for sex. I think the guy is just looking for excuses to give you as to why he's not interested. Are there no guys in your own area you could meet? Why were you having an online relationship?

Oh, I forgot to mention: YOU didn't mess up; he did!

I am going to take a slightly different angle to everyone else... Though I think most will agree with me that it is a very bad idea to become emotionally invested in a LDR without at least an initial period of face to face interaction, or the prospect of moving closer to each other in a matter of weeks or months. Until you meet somebody in person, you just do not know if you will click or not. A purely digital relationship is not really a relationship.

Now with that said, what do you mean "got really close"? Was there any actual discussion of what you were to each other? Are you just pen pals, or did you acknowledge that you were in a long distance relationship? Was exclusivity ever discussed? How close is "really close"?

My gut tells me that you and he are both lonely people who, for whatever reason, seek attention and comfort online, because you find it easier than meeting people irl... It is most likely (given how quick he gave up on you) that he (and probably you too) was talking to multiple people at the same time, essentially digitally multi-dating, like playing with Tinder, but without the actual physical dates.

In that context, the guy was just trying to hook up, he assumed his 3 years of digital flirting laid the groundwork to get laid when he finally met you, so he was angry and disappointed that you did not "deliver". In that case, you did not mess up. You would feel even worse if you gave him everything he wanted and he then dumped you. With a LDR like that, you just cannot know that he is not orbiting around multiple women at the same time trying to get laid.

However, if my gut read is wrong, and you are actually in a exclusive LDR, you Skype everyday, you know everything about each other, you have built a solid foundation of trust... etc etc... and you really do like this guy, and he was also very invested in your relationship... then rejecting him physical intimacy when he has taken a flight to meet you, would be very disheartening for him. Never do anything you are uncomfortable with with any man, but do not play hard to get with a guy who flew hundreds of kilometers to meet you after building a genuine emotional relationship with you for 3 years. (Only if this scenario is true.)

Thank you everyone for your insight. It means to me so much.

To asnwer some of your questions here, he paid for the flight and stayed at my place (I live alone). I wish I could date locally but there are not many single people here around my age. I'm not really into online dating. Most of my friends have families too, so I don't know where I could meet someone. I'm not really flirty type, people often think I'm not interested because it is true I have built walls around me after being dumped few times in the past.

I asked him about the no sex thing too, he said we didn't have to have sex but for him it appeared I was not initiating any kind of close contact. Which is true...I was nevous, afraid that I will open up and he might leave in 2 days and disappear so I was afraid to get invested. We met online on language exchange page, I wanted help in learning so initially it was just friendship, especially that I'm few years older. For a year we were getting closer. What I mean by it there was no talk of being in a relationship - we were just not meeting anyone else, being in touch everyday sharing our days and thoughts ( not skype everyday though ). Both he and I have our own lives, working, meeting friends, hobbies. I even picked up some new interests when being with him so it's not like we are lonely and have nothing else to do. We wanted to meet and see how it goes, he said many times that what if I meet him for real and I won't like him, I kept on saying this can work both ways but if we know each other for so long there is high probability we will like each other in real too.

But I think for him seeing how it goes was a bit different than for me. He said he would understand if we've known each other for few months and not few years, and that with me he felt like coming back to the beginning. And if trying again that I will always try to control the pace and hold back because meeting in real resets everything we had online.

I think MirrorKnight can be right. We have built strong emotional relationship and trust. I like him a lot, it felt like he genuinely cared for me too and now he really just think we are not compatible. Isn't relationship requiring effort though? I'm willing to open up and to put my walls down. It's not easy for me too but I want to give it a try, because everything else was great. I wanted to visit him this time and show him that it's not just words. Maybe it was too early and he was still angry? Or has he already decided to move on. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could turn back time and show him I cared for real. But if he cared wouldn't he want to try again? I feel stuck between wanting to fight for it and letting go to heal.

It’s understandable to feel stuck.

3 years is a very long time, many couples move in or are considering marriage in the same time frame you two were simply meeting, let that sink in.

It’s hard to say if he’s overreacting on one end I agree with everyone that he has no right to rush you to do anything you aren’t comfortable, on the other end playing to fly down after 3 years just to be pushed away probably wouldn’t feel too good so again hard to say.

I suppose you’re going to have to dig deep and be honest with yourself, we’re you pushing him away? If so we’ll his feelings are justified.

Give it some time, let things cool off, then apologize, it’s up to him whether or not he wants to accept, you can’t force it only hope for the best.

Good luck

Thank you everyone for your insight. It means to me so much.

 

I asked him about the no sex thing too, he said we didn't have to have sex but for him it appeared I was not initiating any kind of close contact. Which is true...I was nevous, afraid that I will open up and he might leave in 2 days and disappear so I was afraid to get invested. We met online on language exchange page, I wanted help in learning so initially it was just friendship, especially that I'm few years older. For a year we were getting closer. What I mean by it there was no talk of being in a relationship - we were just not meeting anyone else, being in touch everyday sharing our days and thoughts ( not skype everyday though ). Both he and I have our own lives, working, meeting friends, hobbies. I even picked up some new interests when being with him so it's not like we are lonely and have nothing else to do. We wanted to meet and see how it goes, he said many times that what if I meet him for real and I won't like him, I kept on saying this can work both ways but if we know each other for so long there is high probability we will like each other in real too.

 

But I think for him seeing how it goes was a bit different than for me. He said he would understand if we've known each other for few months and not few years, and that with me he felt like coming back to the beginning. And if trying again that I will always try to control the pace and hold back because meeting in real resets everything we had online.

I think MirrorKnight can be right. We have built strong emotional relationship and trust. I like him a lot, it felt like he genuinely cared for me too and now he really just think we are not compatible. Isn't relationship requiring effort though? I'm willing to open up and to put my walls down. It's not easy for me too but I want to give it a try, because everything else was great. I wanted to visit him this time and show him that it's not just words. Maybe it was too early and he was still angry? Or has he already decided to move on. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could turn back time and show him I cared for real. But if he cared wouldn't he want to try again? I feel stuck between wanting to fight for it and letting go to heal.

I offered two versions of events, so obviously I cannot be right on both of them. But I assume you are referring to the more optimistic scenario (in terms of how he viewed your "relationship").

I am still not 100% convinced that he was as invested as you think he is and that you guys truly had the connection that you did. But if so...

1) The fact that he waited for three years to go see you suggests that either he is not all that into you. And/or he struggles with meeting women, perhaps low self-esteem, insecurities or something. A normal and confident man who really likes you will not wait three years to meet you.

2) Physical intimacy (not just sex) is an important aspect of a relationship. With the way people behave in online dating these days, he may very well think that you were just stringing him along for the attention and ego-boost, and probably multi-dating. If he has insecurities, rejecting his advances and not showing affection will have convinced him that you were deceiving him.

e.g. My ex was very shy to begin with. The first night she spent with me, she initially only allowed a hand hold, which I respected, but after waiting for over a week to see her, it did feel like I barely had a girlfriend at all. However, in the morning, having got more comfortable with me, she moved in voluntarily for a cuddle. We did not have sex that weekend, but I instantly felt her affection and was reassured about our situation. In that case, it was not about the sex, but just the act of showing affection. If I had to be proactive about every bit of physical affection, and she merely permitted it, or pushed me away if she felt I went too far, then I would have also questioned whether she was actually attracted to me.

Well you met him online, so online dating is not much different, except you can meet in person in a timely fashion. You also don't take the risk of inviting strangers into your home, especially as a single parent. You can get a good profile and pics up on some quality (paid) dating apps and set distance and age parameters as you see fit.

he paid for the flight and stayed at my place (I live alone).

 

I'm not really into online dating.

 

We met online on language exchange page,

 

I wanted help in learning so initially it was just friendship, especially that I'm few years older.

It doesn't matter if you chat online for 1 day or three years, until you meet face to face, there is no relationship and you are complete strangers who have no idea if you'll actually click in real life or not. You can only determine chemistry and real life attraction in real life and no amount of chatting, skyping, pics, etc, etc, etc can ever substitute for that.

What happened here is pretty typical with OLD - you two simply didn't click. On that note, I think it's kind of ironic that you say you don't do OLD, but you just dragged out an OLD connection for 3 years before finally meeting. Yes, you do OLD, you just need to learn how to be better at it.

The longer you chat online with someone, the more likely it will blow up in your face in real life. Why? Because you are creating expectations and filling in a lot of blanks about who the person you are chatting with is through imagination. When you finally meet in real life, too often, the image you've built up in your head is not going to match with reality and thus massive disappointment. In fact, I think that's exactly what happened here. It sounds a lot like he had built up certain expectations and a fantasy around you and that fantasy clashed with reality. So he was disappointed. Same thing for you - despite spending so much time talking, it was still a first date and you rightfully weren't looking to jump all over him. Reality finally caught up to you as well that you are complete strangers and do not know each other and cannot be comfortable around each in real life just off the bat like that.

Him staying with you was dangerous af. Do not ever do that again. If you want to pitch in toward sharing costs of travel, then pay for a hotel nearby while he pays for his tickets. Chatting online creates a false illusion that you know someone, but you really don't and never ever forget that.

Bottom line is that local or long distance, same rules apply - meet sooner rather than later in person and then decide if there is anything worth pursuing further or not. The sooner you meet, the fewer the expectations and fantasies surround the situation. Keep it real, keep things on a clean slate, keep the initial meet ups casual and simple. Above all, stay safe. Do not ever invite strangers to stay with you and if you haven't met them, they are strangers. Be realistic about long distance and how long is too long - can you both travel easily and regularly to see each other? Can either one of you move easily to close the distance should the relationship progress? When talking LDR, these questions must be addressed off the bat, like before you bother with anything else, because if the answers are no, then there is literally no point in chatting further, let alone arranging a meeting. Logistics do not get solved by love. So again, be realistic and don't waste time chatting with men who can't be met within roughly a month or so when we are talking about flying distance. Driving distance should be even quicker to meet and local, of course should be particularly easy to arrange a coffee meet to see if you want to actually go on a date or if you two aren't attracted enough.

I'm sorry to hear this. I only have two things to mention. 1) Try to date locally (two hours flight is not realistic in the long run) and 2) he seems to have an extraordinarily fragile ego. Try not to dabble with individuals like this as you'll be constantly having to dab at their wounded knees and sad faces. Please pick yourself up off the ground, enjoy the company of local individuals and have fun. Life is too short to live it in confusion and in a long distance set up.

Agree that it is false intimacy. You do not know where he lives, who he really is, etc. For all you know he may have a wife and 3 kids at home. It would best to delete and block someone like this. Is there a reason you need to converse in his language?

I met a guy online, we were in touch for 3 years, and the past year we got really close talking on messenger, skype, exchanging pictures everyday etc. He finally decided to visit me, he lives 2h flight away. I don't want to chase him so he is not annoyed, but I want him to know I really want to work on myself and meet again to show him how I really am :(

I have to agree with the others .

The thing with LD , as has been said , by now after 3 years you could have moved in and be having a baby etc by now ..how long will it actualy take to be together going at this rate ....don't waste your life .

He dumped you the second it got rough..didn't even try to understand.

Don't forget that.

That doesn't show anything but immaturity and lack of caring. It's a total deal breaker.

Just to clarify, my parents live nearby and they knew about the visit. They were checking on me to see if I'm good. Also I saw far too many pictures and skypes to know he was telling the truth about his job, where he lives, what he did in life. We communicated in english, I don't know his language enough to say everything I want. Also the fact that we spoke everyday for 3 years with each other is good enough for me to trust he is not someone dangerous. That being said I can't say for sure he was not talking to any other girl in the meantime, I think not, but who knows. I didn't expect him to turn his back on me within few days after meeting too so I guess I didn't know him that well in the end.

I didn't mind moving to the place where he lives, my company has filia there so it was possible to get a job there for me. But I didn't want to bring this up unless we meet and see if we really want to continue. I was really prepared that it could not work in real.

Maybe you guys are right, he was not into me as much as I was into him. I was willing to accept everything and put work into it, but I can't do it alone.

I'm just still having that thought sometimes - what if he was really good guy but I messed up. I'm probably just naive.

Re online dating what I meant was that I used to date online a lot in my 20s and the problem was guys were too fast for me. I feel like people there expect that if I look for someone means I'm willing to step into relationship right away. I'm slow and old fashioned and don't feel too comfortable with people in the beginning. I need to be friend with someone first, get used to the person, and guys were taking it as not interested. So I gave up. Maybe I should give it a shot again later.

Glad to hear your parents are in the know and understand your situation. Stay connected with your family. You didn't mess up, honey. You just found another way that works better and one person less who doesn't deserve to be in your life. Let this go and don't carry it with you.

Go easy with the online dating and keep things real (be realistic). You're setting yourself up for a lot of hardship looking at potential dates from far away. Don't rush into connections or relationships. Love yourself more and keep your chin up.

I'm just still having that thought sometimes - what if he was really good guy but I messed up. I'm probably just naive.

 

Re online dating what I meant was that I used to date online a lot in my 20s and the problem was guys were too fast for me. I feel like people there expect that if I look for someone means I'm willing to step into relationship right away. I'm slow and old fashioned and don't feel too comfortable with people in the beginning. I need to be friend with someone first, get used to the person, and guys were taking it as not interested. So I gave up. Maybe I should give it a shot again later.

No, there is no way he was a "really good guy"... because either he is so insecure that he waited THREE YEARS to meet you, and fled at the first sign of trouble. OR he was multi-digital dating and you were just one of probably a digital harem of girls he was talking to, hoping to get laid that way cos he has no "game" irl. Either way, waiting three years to meet you is not the behaviour of a good well-adjusted guy who is really into you.

If you are the conservative sort, I would recommend that you stay off online dating and dating apps, though admittedly I think some are better than others, a lot of them are barely anything more than meat markets that people use for hookups. Try to meet guys organically in normal life, through friends and social activities, hobbies and clubs and the like.

You didn't mess up.

A gentleman allows you to go at the pace you're comfortable with. If he cares about you, he will always try to understand.

This man tried to force you and then blame you. He's not worth it.