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Thread: I messed up :(

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He dumped you the second it got rough..didn't even try to understand.

    Don't forget that.

    That doesn't show anything but immaturity and lack of caring. It's a total deal breaker.

  2. #22
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    Just to clarify, my parents live nearby and they knew about the visit. They were checking on me to see if I'm good. Also I saw far too many pictures and skypes to know he was telling the truth about his job, where he lives, what he did in life. We communicated in english, I don't know his language enough to say everything I want. Also the fact that we spoke everyday for 3 years with each other is good enough for me to trust he is not someone dangerous. That being said I can't say for sure he was not talking to any other girl in the meantime, I think not, but who knows. I didn't expect him to turn his back on me within few days after meeting too so I guess I didn't know him that well in the end.

    I didn't mind moving to the place where he lives, my company has filia there so it was possible to get a job there for me. But I didn't want to bring this up unless we meet and see if we really want to continue. I was really prepared that it could not work in real.

    Maybe you guys are right, he was not into me as much as I was into him. I was willing to accept everything and put work into it, but I can't do it alone.

    I'm just still having that thought sometimes - what if he was really good guy but I messed up. I'm probably just naive.

    Re online dating what I meant was that I used to date online a lot in my 20s and the problem was guys were too fast for me. I feel like people there expect that if I look for someone means I'm willing to step into relationship right away. I'm slow and old fashioned and don't feel too comfortable with people in the beginning. I need to be friend with someone first, get used to the person, and guys were taking it as not interested. So I gave up. Maybe I should give it a shot again later.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Glad to hear your parents are in the know and understand your situation. Stay connected with your family. You didn't mess up, honey. You just found another way that works better and one person less who doesn't deserve to be in your life. Let this go and don't carry it with you.

    Go easy with the online dating and keep things real (be realistic). You're setting yourself up for a lot of hardship looking at potential dates from far away. Don't rush into connections or relationships. Love yourself more and keep your chin up.

  4. #24
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Silky Vixen
    I'm just still having that thought sometimes - what if he was really good guy but I messed up. I'm probably just naive.

    Re online dating what I meant was that I used to date online a lot in my 20s and the problem was guys were too fast for me. I feel like people there expect that if I look for someone means I'm willing to step into relationship right away. I'm slow and old fashioned and don't feel too comfortable with people in the beginning. I need to be friend with someone first, get used to the person, and guys were taking it as not interested. So I gave up. Maybe I should give it a shot again later.
    No, there is no way he was a "really good guy"... because either he is so insecure that he waited THREE YEARS to meet you, and fled at the first sign of trouble. OR he was multi-digital dating and you were just one of probably a digital harem of girls he was talking to, hoping to get laid that way cos he has no "game" irl. Either way, waiting three years to meet you is not the behaviour of a good well-adjusted guy who is really into you.

    If you are the conservative sort, I would recommend that you stay off online dating and dating apps, though admittedly I think some are better than others, a lot of them are barely anything more than meat markets that people use for hookups. Try to meet guys organically in normal life, through friends and social activities, hobbies and clubs and the like.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You didn't mess up.

    A gentleman allows you to go at the pace you're comfortable with. If he cares about you, he will always try to understand.

    This man tried to force you and then blame you. He's not worth it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this guy was also "fast", he wanted sex within hours of meeting you in person. If you date locally you'll be able to get to know someone in real life including who they are and how they live.

    You can pace yourself better when your imagination is not creating a dream man and you have to deal with who people really are, in the first place. Now after investing 3 years in the mostly created dream man you found out who he really is. What hurts is the gradient between your creation and the truth.
    Originally Posted by Silky Vixen
    Re online dating what I meant was that I used to date online a lot in my 20s and the problem was guys were too fast for me.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Silky Vixen
    We have built strong emotional relationship and trust. I like him a lot, it felt like he genuinely cared for me too and now he really just think we are not compatible. Isn't relationship requiring effort though? I'm willing to open up and to put my walls down. It's not easy for me too but I want to give it a try, because everything else was great. I wanted to visit him this time and show him that it's not just words. Maybe it was too early and he was still angry? Or has he already decided to move on. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could turn back time and show him I cared for real. But if he cared wouldn't he want to try again? I feel stuck between wanting to fight for it and letting go to heal.
    I think the duration of your communication made it seem like a strong emotional relationship and trust, but in reality it wasn't that.

    He's acting like you're defective because you didn't behave the way he thought you would behave.

    You're not defective.

    Relationships do require effort, but that effort doesn't include trying to change the core of your being so that you can behave in a way that doesn't come naturally.

    Do you really want to reassure someone at the expense of your own comfort level?

    I think you're better off without him. You didn't do anything wrong.

    Just be yourself and stay true to yourself and the right person will come along.

  9. #28
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    Thanks everyone! I think I'll just let it be and try to heal.

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