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Ghosting Before Meeting


akrngrl

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I’ve had a variety of scenarios occur recently where I’ve never met the person and messaging/ A phone call over the course of a few hours to a day they’ve inadvertently said something that made me no longer want to talk to/meet them. Conversation dwindles and I just eventually stop

 

Regardless, no date has been set in stone with a time, place, etc. where I’m standing them up. I’d say about ten of the people have reached out after the fact (one went so far as to match with me on another app for the sole purpose to tell me off) saying I ghosted them and anything from being annoyed and argumentative about it to just being like “well you ghosted. Nice talking, good luck”.

 

I always felt like ghosting was being on multiple dates and then poof, nothing and that this early on if it wasn’t a GLARING incompatibility that you asked about it was best not to even say anything.

 

Ten people in the grand scheme on OLD is a blip, but maybe because they’ve happened one after another I’m wondering am I doing something wrong? Is there a more tactful way I’m supposed to be handling “I no longer wish to converse with you” other than silence?

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Ok all you can do is limit the chitchat prior to meeting and do not make a bunch of lateral moves such as going from the dating app messaging to social to other apps etc. They should not know that much about you before you meet in person and can determine who/what you are dealing with.

 

When you set limits, it helps rule out the time wasters and weirdos, such as argumentative guy. If you don't want to meet in a timely fashion after a couple of messages, simply stop talking. The messaging should revolve around a bit of small talk then arranging to meet.

 

If someone won't meet, cut them off. You need a good strategy to prevent burnout. If after the meeting (keep it brief) you are not interested simply state that it was 'nice meeting we're not a match, blah blah' then cease communication and move forward.

I’ve had a variety of scenarios occur recently where I’ve never met the person and messaging/ A phone call over the course of a few hours to a day they’ve inadvertently said something that made me no longer want to talk to/meet them. Conversation dwindles and I just eventually stop
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Ok all you can do is limit the chitchat prior to meeting and do not make a bunch of lateral moves such as going from the dating app messaging to social to other apps etc. They should not know that much about you before you meet in person and can determine who/what you are dealing with.

 

When you set limits, it helps rule out the time wasters and weirdos, such as argumentative guy. If you don't want to meet in a timely fashion after a couple of messages, simply stop talking. The messaging should revolve around a bit of small talk then arranging to meet.

 

If someone won't meet, cut them off. You need a good strategy to prevent burnout. If after the meeting (keep it brief) you are not interested simply state that it was 'nice meeting we're not a match, blah blah' then cease communication and move forward.

 

Thank you! I always keep it on the app and occasionally will do the phone call screener if they want to talk. I’m not big on the phone, but it honestly has made or broken my desire to see someone the few times I’ve done it.

 

It just seems that if we’re talking for a couple of hours and I stop responding on the app because I’m not longer interested, they’ve continued to message saying I’ve “ghosted”.

 

At that point I’m not about to argue semantics with them and I kindly don’t respond anyway, but it’s just strange when literally the last ten matches have said this and I’m asking myself “Isnt this how it’s done??”

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I typically limited pre-meeting contact to one or two emails and one or two phone calls. If during the emails I was uncomfortable I simply stopped responding typically and if we spoke and didn't set up a meeting and he didn't ask I stopped. If he did and I didn't want to meet I'd say something like I'd get back to him/check schedule. Depending on my reasons, the person, etc I might email "on reflection I don't think we have enough in common for it to make sense to meet". If we set up a meeting and during the confirming call something came up that made me uncomfortable I'd email about not being able to make it. A few times I did this because they edited their profile to add something that made me uncomfortable. But I tried to shy away from specifics.

 

No I wasn't ghosting or doing anything wrong IMO.

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Thank you! I always keep it on the app and occasionally will do the phone call screener if they want to talk. I’m not big on the phone, but it honestly has made or broken my desire to see someone the few times I’ve done it.

 

It just seems that if we’re talking for a couple of hours and I stop responding on the app because I’m not longer interested, they’ve continued to message saying I’ve “ghosted”.

 

At that point I’m not about to argue semantics with them and I kindly don’t respond anyway, but it’s just strange when literally the last ten matches have said this and I’m asking myself “Isnt this how it’s done??”

 

To me a couple of hours of typing is way too much. I learned a great deal by short phone calls -for screening out, not in. Tone of voice, how we did conversationally, phone etiquette, etc.

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To me a couple of hours of typing is way too much. I learned a great deal by short phone calls -for screening out, not in. Tone of voice, how we did conversationally, phone etiquette, etc.

 

True. Perhaps I should mention it’s not consistent chatter back and forth. Just throughout the day on the app. Obviously I’m not checking it while working, but I’ll probably send a message before work, on my lunch and then when I get home. It’s mostly I answer and then ask a basic question and wait for them to see it and respond, etc.

 

One guy wanted to call and upon reflection I was put off by the way he sounded and the tone/language he used. We had agreed on a day to meet up later in the week before the call, but there was no follow up after. I just let it go. No harm no foul. He texts me three days after the day we were supposed to meet passes and says “you ghosted and we missed our date”. I didn’t answer, but like...no time, no place, no date man. I had assumed he (thankfully) wasn’t into it either after the call.

 

I don’t think you were ghosting in any of your scenarios either. I never even considered this ghosting. I feel a little poorly about it since a handful of people are more or less “calling me out” on it. If it was just one or two I’d further assume it’s because our dating styles definitely didn’t match up. It’s never been brought up to me before and it’s a little off putting I suppose.

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Everyone has their own definition of ghosting, but I think the large majority tend to agree that ghosting is after you've been two dates or more and they simply drop off the planet.

 

Personally, I consider ghosting after the first date, but especially if there have been more.

 

I don't really think we can consider stopping texting as ghosting. You never met.

 

I will agree with previous posters to meet in person sooner over later. You'll have to determine your own comfort zone, but I would say no more than two weeks, tops, allowing for previously established plans, children, and the holidays. If they can't find the time in 14 days to meet, you're probably setting yourself up with a pen-pal or someone who's keeping you on the back burner until they determine if other prospects will work out or not.

 

No meet, no text.

 

Particularly now, with the holidays approaching, it may be more difficult to organize a time, but I think that if you hit it off via text and sparks seem to be flying, don't lose that momentum by pushing back a date (meet) until sometime in December or January. People who are into each other don't want to wait.

 

I also consider the first meet a date. Most will disagree with me, but a date's a date, even if it's just coffee.

 

Most people just stop texting. To write them and tell them they don't think things are going to work out can result in a slew of nasty texts or emails, possibly phone calls, and it's easier just to fade out. I don't know that you really need to feel obligated to say anything if you've just been lobbing texts, especially if this person gives you push-back on meeting in person, in a public place, casual, or they are terribly slow to respond or produce any type of conversation, agree to a call, etc.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

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Everyone has their own definition of ghosting, but I think the large majority tend to agree that ghosting is after you've been two dates or more and they simply drop off the planet.

 

Personally, I consider ghosting after the first date, but especially if there have been more.

 

I don't really think we can consider stopping texting as ghosting. You never met.

 

I will agree with previous posters to meet in person sooner over later. You'll have to determine your own comfort zone, but I would say no more than two weeks, tops, allowing for previously established plans, children, and the holidays. If they can't find the time in 14 days to meet, you're probably setting yourself up with a pen-pal or someone who's keeping you on the back burner until they determine if other prospects will work out or not.

 

No meet, no text.

 

Particularly now, with the holidays approaching, it may be more difficult to organize a time, but I think that if you hit it off via text and sparks seem to be flying, don't lose that momentum by pushing back a date (meet) until sometime in December or January. People who are into each other don't want to wait.

 

I also consider the first meet a date. Most will disagree with me, but a date's a date, even if it's just coffee.

 

Most people just stop texting. To write them and tell them they don't think things are going to work out can result in a slew of nasty texts or emails, possibly phone calls, and it's easier just to fade out. I don't know that you really need to feel obligated to say anything if you've just been lobbing texts, especially if this person gives you push-back on meeting in person, in a public place, casual, or they are terribly slow to respond or produce any type of conversation, agree to a call, etc.

 

I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

 

I totally agree with you! Granted I do call first encounters “meets” haha.

 

I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t, I don’t know, really being rude. I’ve matched with men at 9 pm, exchange MAYBE 10 messages including “hey, whats up, how are you?”, fall asleep and decide not to continue the next day for a myriad of reasons due to their responses or lack there of, etc. and later that day or a few days later after I stopped responding they hit me with the “ghosting” stuff.

 

100% on the not telling people a reason this early on because it opens the door for all kinds of stuff. Plus the stuff that’s a no go for me could be a positive for someone else so there really is no point. Obviously if I ask a question an theyre answer is something Im not looking for it’s a perfect segue to see myself out, but when they tell me about themselves generally I feel like it’s kind of rude to be like “oh you mentioned this. I’m not into it, let’s stop conversing.

 

I think the guy that matched with me on a separate app only to keep up the charade for five or so messages and then launch into “we matched before and you ghosted me. I’m just here to tell you that was (expletive) and im not into that” is what’s prompting me to be like “okay a bunch of people are saying this, is it me??”

 

Glad to know I’m on the right track though and I should just keep on keeping on [emoji5]

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True. Perhaps I should mention it’s not consistent chatter back and forth. Just throughout the day on the app. Obviously I’m not checking it while working, but I’ll probably send a message before work, on my lunch and then when I get home. It’s mostly I answer and then ask a basic question and wait for them to see it and respond, etc.

 

One guy wanted to call and upon reflection I was put off by the way he sounded and the tone/language he used. We had agreed on a day to meet up later in the week before the call, but there was no follow up after. I just let it go. No harm no foul. He texts me three days after the day we were supposed to meet passes and says “you ghosted and we missed our date”. I didn’t answer, but like...no time, no place, no date man. I had assumed he (thankfully) wasn’t into it either after the call.

 

I don’t think you were ghosting in any of your scenarios either. I never even considered this ghosting. I feel a little poorly about it since a handful of people are more or less “calling me out” on it. If it was just one or two I’d further assume it’s because our dating styles definitely didn’t match up. It’s never been brought up to me before and it’s a little off putting I suppose.

 

I wouldn't do the on and off messaging -it's a stranger you might meet in person to see if there should be a date in the future, not a new chat buddy who you might meet in the future for platonic reasons (I have many many of those, and that's how we get to know each other). On and off messaging gives them too much importance, let's them get to know your daily routine/pattern way before they should have that information and you also don't get the right information - this stranger has the time to consider how to respond, word choice etc - which is not what's going to happen during a first meet - when you have to see if you have in person rapport. At least on a phone conversation it's in real time, back and forth approximating an in person meeting (of course with the all important element of in person chemistry missing -there or not, meaning).

 

I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.

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I wouldn't do the on and off messaging -it's a stranger you might meet in person to see if there should be a date in the future, not a new chat buddy who you might meet in the future for platonic reasons (I have many many of those, and that's how we get to know each other). On and off messaging gives them too much importance, let's them get to know your daily routine/pattern way before they should have that information and you also don't get the right information - this stranger has the time to consider how to respond, word choice etc - which is not what's going to happen during a first meet - when you have to see if you have in person rapport. At least on a phone conversation it's in real time, back and forth approximating an in person meeting (of course with the all important element of in person chemistry missing -there or not, meaning).

 

I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.

 

I will definitely look into expediting the process. I usually open up with a “hows your xyz going?” And then touch on the important topics that would make or break me willing even to meet them as quickly as possible.

 

I’ve been on the apps for so long I know that Wednesday and Thursdays are peak days where I am where everyone is trying to find someone to see that weekend. If there isn’t a date set up by the end of being matched for 24 hours they’re relegated to chat buddy and I’m not interested in officially meeting anymore.

 

But usually it’s before that. My go to after the generic intro messages is basically “tell me about yourself” because profiles these days are either blank or they just list their height ::facepalm:: and it’s somewhere in whatever they answer that question with or shortly after that I’m like “meh, not a match”.

 

Maybe that means I shouldn’t be dating if I’m not open to meeting all kinds of people. I’m also much less easily swayed if I haven’t met them than once I have. That’s a me thing that I have to work on though lol.

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I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.

 

This is pretty much the marker I use. Even after a first meet/date if there is follow up and no response then that’s the answer. I don’t think I’ve ever actually not responded though, I give the whole “not enough chemistry” line and wish them luck. I’ve been ghosted as well after an extended amount of time and it is the actual worst. Probably why I’m so perturbed that so many people are saying I’m doing it to them. It makes me feel, for lack of a better term, icky. Not that any of them are sitting around and being like “oh yeah, that’s the ghoster-forget her, swipe left”, but like I need all the good dating juju/karma/positive energy I can get lol.

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To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

 

To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

 

If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

 

Boom! Done. Next.

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To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

 

To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

 

If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

 

Boom! Done. Next.

 

Yes and also -thicker skin - everyone at some point is going to have an opinion - and when strangers do remind yourself it's a stranger which can help take away the sting. Brush it away like an annoying flea, like a vacuous piece of lint.

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Agree with the last posts.

 

What I think is weird with the apps is that it seems a lot of people treat them as dating, rather than a platform to maybe date. There's a parallel with social media: are you documenting little scraps of your life, or living a scrappy life that is well-documented? Lines get blurred in human heads. The photo of the hamburger is juicier than how the burger tastes, as total strangers texting you on your phone becomes as juicy as someone you're dating—and so when the chat fizzles someone feels "ghosted."

 

It's peculiar. Sounds like you stumbled into a thicket of such sensitive souls. Don't let it bring you down.

 

My feeling with "ghosting" is that it has to involve (a) some form of real connection followed by (b) one person opting to sever that connection by just going ice cold: no more responding, a complete pivot from tropical to tundra. While there is no science for what makes a connection "real," I will always firmly believe that it had to exist in 3D. So let's say you go on a few dates, someone is showing lots of interest, and then—poof—they're gone. That to me is ghosting, low octane. Higher octane would be when sex is involved, even if it was a first date. And the really high octane? It's someone you've been seeing for a bit, and being intimate with in some form or another, who just vanishes. That's the dagger—the "cheating" of dating.

 

In other words what you're describing—what these people are saying—is not ghosting.

 

I'd call it a fetish of ghosting, which has become a social-cultural thing, related to the fetishization of psych terms ("narc" etc.). People are obsessed with ghosting, petrified of it, to the point where "dating" becomes defined as "hopefully not being ghosted" rather than "hopefully connecting with someone cool." They match on an app, or go on a date, and they're thinking: Is he/she gonna ghost me? They meet up with friends and talk about dating: I think he/she is ghosting, they say, because they haven't gotten a text message in two hours. Then the text comes in and they go: I was wrong—for now.

 

I'm sorry, but: yawn. I went on a few dates where people made "light" chitchat about ghosting within 10 minutes. I knew what was being said: Are you going to ghost me? No, I don't do that, but those were the moments when my interest was gone—poof. My interest had ghosted. Too much fear, too many negative assumptions about people, too much self-absorption. I'd imagine a relationship would revolve around the question of: Will you cheat? And that's a dynamic that is just too boring and edgy for me to engage in. Last thing I want to be is a pacifier for someone's preexisting fears, or build heat and "connection" through bartering anxiety.

 

I met lots of people in person when I was dating, and exchanged very few text messages. I liked it that way. I introduced "coffee this week?" into a conversation quickly, and if that didn't become a plan I let it fade. I'd say the majority of people I met were thinking about me exactly what I was thinking about them: nice person, no interest. Most of the time this was communicated with a mutual fade: "Nice meeting you," leading to mutual silence. If there was a disconnect—me wanting to see someone who didn't want to see me, or vise versa—that was explained in a sentence. Easy. A very manageable bruise, made manageable by realistic expectations—by not believing other people exist to serve your needs or soothe your jitters.

 

Food for thought. In your shoes I'd look at this as...nothing to look at too closely. People with issues. They were more focused on "ghosting" than "dating" before they swiped right on you, is all, and you became in a variable in their self-sabotaging experiment.

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What I do is I say that I don't feel we have much in common or xyz item doesn't agree with me personally but I'm glad that we talked about it. I try to respectfully explain that while I appreciate the other person's thoughts/ideas/hobbies, it probably doesn't quite jive with mine or we wouldn't get along. I don't disappear. I think that's rude, imho. If you're finding that that's your pattern after disagreements or disliking what someone says, it would be a red flag to me (I'd question whether that's your way of coping with differences in a relationship - shutting down - and I'd count my lucky stars this never went further). Yes, I do this if it's warranted even before we've met at all. I have some examples of great conversations over an afternoon where things have taken an unexpected turn and I've had to respond to those conversations over the phone with the other person after some knowledge was given to me. I think what matters is that you're honest, kind and respectful above all else.

 

I'd quit texting back and forth before meeting. You won't be able to get the full breadth of a person if you want to get a feel of someone before meeting them. Some people feel more comfortable with a phonecall before meeting. That's fine.

 

Not everyone out there is emotionally available either. They're either burnt out, upset, fed up about OLD or easily annoyed.

 

I do have to say there was one person who turned it on me and accused me of being cold and unresponsive weeks prior but I was puzzled because I didn't hear from him either and he didn't make much of an effort, nor was he a great conversationalist. He blamed me for disappearing on him but I thought it faded out mutually.

 

If you're not ready to date or feeling burnt out, give it a break. I took breaks and I've heard of people taking three month or six month breaks in between dates. It's draining constantly putting yourself out there. Take it easy.

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To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

 

To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

 

If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

 

Boom! Done. Next.

 

Yes! This is my formula! Honestly I get a LOT of c**p for it. Guys almost make fun of me and tell me how “generic” and “boring” I am for suggesting it [emoji849]. It’s a genius idea, I don’t understand the hate.

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Yes and also -thicker skin - everyone at some point is going to have an opinion - and when strangers do remind yourself it's a stranger which can help take away the sting. Brush it away like an annoying flea, like a vacuous piece of lint.

 

Thank you! I’ll try to take better stride. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t inadvertently being a jerk. Trying to take stock in myself and assess if maybe I needed to change something.

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Thank you! I’ll try to take better stride. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t inadvertently being a jerk. Trying to take stock in myself and assess if maybe I needed to change something.

 

No - definitely not. I think you're probably getting too invested in these strangers prior to meeting and if you choose to take a different approach like catfeeder suggested I think you'll have less of this feedback and if you do get that kind of feedback it will be meaningless from someone you messaged with a few times and spoke to maybe once.

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What I do is I say that I don't feel we have much in common or xyz item doesn't agree with me personally but I'm glad that we talked about it. I try to respectfully explain that while I appreciate the other person's thoughts/ideas/hobbies, it probably doesn't quite jive with mine or we wouldn't get along. I don't disappear. I think that's rude, imho. If you're finding that that's your pattern after disagreements or disliking what someone says, it would be a red flag to me (I'd question whether that's your way of coping with differences in a relationship - shutting down - and I'd count my lucky stars this never went further). Yes, I do this if it's warranted even before we've met at all. I have some examples of great conversations over an afternoon where things have taken an unexpected turn and I've had to respond to those conversations over the phone with the other person after some knowledge was given to me. I think what matters is that you're honest, kind and respectful above all else.

 

I'd quit texting back and forth before meeting. You won't be able to get the full breadth of a person if you want to get a feel of someone before meeting them. Some people feel more comfortable with a phonecall before meeting. That's fine.

 

Not everyone out there is emotionally available either. They're either burnt out, upset, fed up about OLD or easily annoyed.

 

I do have to say there was one person who turned it on me and accused me of being cold and unresponsive weeks prior but I was puzzled because I didn't hear from him either and he didn't make much of an effort, nor was he a great conversationalist. He blamed me for disappearing on him but I thought it faded out mutually.

 

If you're not ready to date or feeling burnt out, give it a break. I took breaks and I've heard of people taking three month or six month breaks in between dates. It's draining constantly putting yourself out there. Take it easy.

 

Interesting point of view. I definitely do that once I feel a rapport has been established or if I ask a question and they answer and it’s a dealbreaker. I guess when it’s just like ~not there~ or I inadvertently uncover a dealbreaker when there’s not a rapport that I’m not super into being like “hey thanks for messaging me twice, changed my mind”.

 

Some of my dealbreakers tend to be taken very personally most times and what’s a no from me is 1000% a yes for someone else so I don’t feel I have the ability to be like “no and this is why ____”. I wouldn’t say I typically handle things by not responding. Just more so a battle I don’t feel like having with someone I’ve said less than 1000 words to.

 

Maybe I’m going about it wrong, but with little to no info about someone (and that they’re also a bit of a distance) I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if they’re worth taking the time out to meet.

 

I guess your last situation is kind of what I’m going through. It’s like I think it just faded, really we didn’t even have enough of a conversation to warrant a response and theyll follow up a few days later with “hey” and I won’t respond. Or sometimes it’ll be an offer for a date, but at that point we haven’t spoken in days and I just don’t feel the need to be like “thanks, but no thanks”. Maybe In those circumstances I could be more forthcoming with my lack of desire.

 

I’m trying to get smarter about dating and not over explaining myself and setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

 

Dumb question, but always curious about it haha. Do people consider breaks like “oh I deleted the apps for three months and didn’t date” or is it more like “Still have a profile and am on there but haven’t engaged with anyone I want to go on a date with”?

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" I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if they’re worth taking the time out to meet."

 

For me this would give me a sense of how the person texted -timing, word choice, acronym use. It would give me zero or next to zero information about whether to meet the person to see if we should date in the future. And certainly not worth the time it takes to type to a stranger during my typical day. I tried to talk by phone within a day or so of the first contact on the site, and then if the conversation went well and he didn't suggest a first meet I would. We spoke again only if we had to end the call really fast because one of us had something come up, or to confirm time/place to meet. I made very few exceptions -in one case we instant messaged on and off for 6 weeks before meeting in person. In another case it was going to be long distance which I was reluctant to do - and which I said no to once he said he'd only meet me if I didn't meet anyone else until he could meet me (in over a month). That was in 2004. We stayed in touch as friends, and we did meet in person -when my son was a baby and he came to my new city to meet someone through an online site. I met him and his date for a walk in the park and it was kind of a double date if it counts that I brought my baby (I invited my husband who was busy). We've met two more times when he's come to my city for various family events. Great friendship.

 

With the first guy we dated for three months. None of the messaging would ever ever have clued me in that he had an undertreated anger disorder. His messages were hilarious, charming and flirty.

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Yes! This is my formula! Honestly I get a LOT of c**p for it. Guys almost make fun of me and tell me how “generic” and “boring” I am for suggesting it [emoji849]. It’s a genius idea, I don’t understand the hate.

 

Hah! That's why it's an excellent screening device. Meeting over coffee prevents guys who want to get you drunk, or worse, slip something in your drink, from manipulating you or from having access to your covered coffee or tea straight from the counter.

 

Anyone who is all about meeting you will be open to this method of checking one another out. It spares both of you a long and lousy date with anyone you could have know within 5 minutes was not a match. Scheduling quick meets before investing in much messaging avoids fantasy-building and allows you a fast conversation without pressure to ever see or message him again if he's a bad match. Building up too many expectations through text or phone calls doesn't allow you this out should you stumble upon a dealbreaker before meeting. It corners you into rejecting someone, and that's squirmy and--as you've noticed--sometimes provocative.

 

I'd skip that stuff. Either someone's profile is worth a quick coffee, or not. Most people are NOT our match, so it's really no skin off my back to converse politely with a stranger from whom I can walk away cleanly.

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Interesting point of view. I definitely do that once I feel a rapport has been established or if I ask a question and they answer and it’s a dealbreaker. I guess when it’s just like ~not there~ or I inadvertently uncover a dealbreaker when there’s not a rapport that I’m not super into being like “hey thanks for messaging me twice, changed my mind”.

 

Some of my dealbreakers tend to be taken very personally most times and what’s a no from me is 1000% a yes for someone else so I don’t feel I have the ability to be like “no and this is why ____”. I wouldn’t say I typically handle things by not responding. Just more so a battle I don’t feel like having with someone I’ve said less than 1000 words to.

 

Maybe I’m going about it wrong, but with little to no info about someone (and that they’re also a bit of a distance) I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if they’re worth taking the time out to meet.

 

I guess your last situation is kind of what I’m going through. It’s like I think it just faded, really we didn’t even have enough of a conversation to warrant a response and theyll follow up a few days later with “hey” and I won’t respond. Or sometimes it’ll be an offer for a date, but at that point we haven’t spoken in days and I just don’t feel the need to be like “thanks, but no thanks”. Maybe In those circumstances I could be more forthcoming with my lack of desire.

 

I’m trying to get smarter about dating and not over explaining myself and setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

 

Dumb question, but always curious about it haha. Do people consider breaks like “oh I deleted the apps for three months and didn’t date” or is it more like “Still have a profile and am on there but haven’t engaged with anyone I want to go on a date with”?

 

I'm going to come at this with some thoughts(being honest with you) so don't take it the wrong way. There are a few things you mentioned that would be a problem to me if I were getting to know you. I'm speaking as someone who, let's say, saw your profile, was interested and wanted to have a few words with you.

 

I don't know how far out you live from the general populace or maybe you don't have access to public transit or a vehicle. That's fine. Your wording though suggests to me that you're hesitant to meet and are placing a lot of importance on "taking the time out to meet". This shouldn't be a huge commitment out of your day. I see this very much like shopping within a person's budget. Are you really going to walk into that Versace store three times a week if you know you're not going to buy anything? Waste of time, right? If something or someone is out of your realm realistically, don't try to convince yourself otherwise either. The same goes for someone 30 or 50 or 100 km out of your radius. That's distance. The same also goes for time. If you don't have the two hours it takes to dress up, go out and spend a good hour with someone meaningfully, maybe now isn't the right time for you to date and you're responding out of loneliness rather than a seriousness in getting to know anyone.

 

Having said all that, it all also means that you've got a good grasp filtering through those profiles. I never responded to one word greetings like "hey". Girl, respect yourself by deleting and blocking that sh9t. I get the feeling like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel and wasting a lot of your time with real losers on these sites. If you can't get a good idea about what that person is about from their profile or that person hasn't put enough effort in or you haven't put enough effort in your profile either or a reluctant to show your photos or write up much about yourself, you're at the bottom of the barrel because nobody knows what you're about. The good ones don't know what you're about and you'll get the lousy options messaging you.

 

I can't be sure what you're asking exactly by your last question. Are you referring to whether to believe them or not? At that early, who cares? If they say so, take it at face value and pay more attention to their behaviour in person. Don't discuss any of that via text. I'd limit your texting because you're not coming across as someone worthwhile meeting or getting to know by texting for long periods. Try not to respond to meaningless messages and profiles with no substance. Hope this helps.

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Hah! That's why it's an excellent screening device. Meeting over coffee prevents guys who want to get you drunk, or worse, slip something in your drink, from manipulating you or from having access to your covered coffee or tea straight from the counter.

 

Anyone who is all about meeting you will be open to this method of checking one another out. It spares both of you a long and lousy date with anyone you could have know within 5 minutes was not a match. Scheduling quick meets before investing in much messaging avoids fantasy-building and allows you a fast conversation without pressure to ever see or message him again if he's a bad match. Building up too many expectations through text or phone calls doesn't allow you this out should you stumble upon a dealbreaker before meeting. It corners you into rejecting someone, and that's squirmy and--as you've noticed--sometimes provocative.

 

I'd skip that stuff. Either someone's profile is worth a quick coffee, or not. Most people are NOT our match, so it's really no skin off my back to converse politely with a stranger from whom I can walk away cleanly.

 

Please keep your coffee in your sight at all times. My friend was date raped by a guy she originally met on Match because he drugged her coffee (she agreed to meet him after they'd ended things so they could talk things over)

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Following up on what Rose suggested there were times I did two or even three first meets in a day. I only used public transportation and only did local. Yes, it did take time - I had to put on makeup, choose clothes I liked and typically it involved a 15-30 minutes of travel time each way. I was so busy and intense at work so it did take time. That is why I did the screening phone call. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites and there were hundreds I declined to speak to or meet.

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I'm going to come at this with some thoughts(being honest with you) so don't take it the wrong way. There are a few things you mentioned that would be a problem to me if I were getting to know you. I'm speaking as someone who, let's say, saw your profile, was interested and wanted to have a few words with you.

 

I don't know how far out you live from the general populace or maybe you don't have access to public transit or a vehicle. That's fine. Your wording though suggests to me that you're hesitant to meet and are placing a lot of importance on "taking the time out to meet". This shouldn't be a huge commitment out of your day. I see this very much like shopping within a person's budget. Are you really going to walk into that Versace store three times a week if you know you're not going to buy anything? Waste of time, right? If something or someone is out of your realm realistically, don't try to convince yourself otherwise either. The same goes for someone 30 or 50 or 100 km out of your radius. That's distance. The same also goes for time. If you don't have the two hours it takes to dress up, go out and spend a good hour with someone meaningfully, maybe now isn't the right time for you to date and you're responding out of loneliness rather than a seriousness in getting to know anyone.

 

Having said all that, it all also means that you've got a good grasp filtering through those profiles. I never responded to one word greetings like "hey". Girl, respect yourself by deleting and blocking that sh9t. I get the feeling like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel and wasting a lot of your time with real losers on these sites. If you can't get a good idea about what that person is about from their profile or that person hasn't put enough effort in or you haven't put enough effort in your profile either or a reluctant to show your photos or write up much about yourself, you're at the bottom of the barrel because nobody knows what you're about. The good ones don't know what you're about and you'll get the lousy options messaging you.

 

I can't be sure what you're asking exactly by your last question. Are you referring to whether to believe them or not? At that early, who cares? If they say so, take it at face value and pay more attention to their behaviour in person. Don't discuss any of that via text. I'd limit your texting because you're not coming across as someone worthwhile meeting or getting to know by texting for long periods. Try not to respond to meaningless messages and profiles with no substance. Hope this helps.

 

Definitely appreciate all points of view! I’m about an hour and a half from the major city and 45 minutes to an hour outside of where people I match with are located. For me, unfortunately anyone in my immediate area to about thirty miles out are what I would consider, personally, the bottom of the barrel. It’s not a whole lot of people either. Maybe 30 or so on tinder- then you get the “we can’t find anyone in your area please expand your radius.”

 

I’m on pretty much every app there is, to have the most options. I was on a paid dating site, but a good portion of the people that were suggested were ones I came across on Bumble, Hinge, Tinder etc so it really didn’t pay to pay if that makes sense.

 

I get a lot of one word messages on the dating sites where anyone can message you, which I ignore. Luckily on the apps where it has to be a mutual match, I haven’t really had anything boring to start off or vulgar. Normally it’s a very normal message experience or neither of us initiate at all haha.

 

I honestly wouldn’t even know if they were losers as when I stop answering them it’s within the first handful of messages. I’m assuming they’re kind of lame to be following up, days later whining that I ghosted them.

 

By and large most men in my area seem to have limited info in their profile other than their height. I have my traits that could possibly be deal breakers to someone listed (which coincidentally are basically what I’m all about) and I even have done the party foul of adding in one of my deal-breakers (in the least non aggressive way possible). I find that most men don’t read my profile, but I feel better having it there so if they get up in arms I can say “hey man it’s stated ON my profile”

 

I think I was just trying to garner whether the rules had changed. Like I mentioned if it was one or two id be like “okay”, but out of 15 matches, to have 10 come back kind of complaining that I went ghost after a handful of messages made me take pause and reach out to see if I needed to check myself. I don’t see it like that, but I want to be putting my best foot forward. I still think that it’s awkward to be like “sorry we don’t have enough in common” when there hasn’t even been enough of an exchange and rather they just mentioned something that would exclude them from me wanting to meet.

 

I appreciate the input!

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