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Thread: Ghosting Before Meeting

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Yes! This is my formula! Honestly I get a LOT of c**p for it. Guys almost make fun of me and tell me how ďgenericĒ and ďboringĒ I am for suggesting it . Itís a genius idea, I donít understand the hate.
    Hah! That's why it's an excellent screening device. Meeting over coffee prevents guys who want to get you drunk, or worse, slip something in your drink, from manipulating you or from having access to your covered coffee or tea straight from the counter.

    Anyone who is all about meeting you will be open to this method of checking one another out. It spares both of you a long and lousy date with anyone you could have know within 5 minutes was not a match. Scheduling quick meets before investing in much messaging avoids fantasy-building and allows you a fast conversation without pressure to ever see or message him again if he's a bad match. Building up too many expectations through text or phone calls doesn't allow you this out should you stumble upon a dealbreaker before meeting. It corners you into rejecting someone, and that's squirmy and--as you've noticed--sometimes provocative.

    I'd skip that stuff. Either someone's profile is worth a quick coffee, or not. Most people are NOT our match, so it's really no skin off my back to converse politely with a stranger from whom I can walk away cleanly.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Interesting point of view. I definitely do that once I feel a rapport has been established or if I ask a question and they answer and itís a dealbreaker. I guess when itís just like ~not there~ or I inadvertently uncover a dealbreaker when thereís not a rapport that Iím not super into being like ďhey thanks for messaging me twice, changed my mindĒ.

    Some of my dealbreakers tend to be taken very personally most times and whatís a no from me is 1000% a yes for someone else so I donít feel I have the ability to be like ďno and this is why ____Ē. I wouldnít say I typically handle things by not responding. Just more so a battle I donít feel like having with someone Iíve said less than 1000 words to.

    Maybe Iím going about it wrong, but with little to no info about someone (and that theyíre also a bit of a distance) I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if theyíre worth taking the time out to meet.

    I guess your last situation is kind of what Iím going through. Itís like I think it just faded, really we didnít even have enough of a conversation to warrant a response and theyll follow up a few days later with ďheyĒ and I wonít respond. Or sometimes itíll be an offer for a date, but at that point we havenít spoken in days and I just donít feel the need to be like ďthanks, but no thanksĒ. Maybe In those circumstances I could be more forthcoming with my lack of desire.

    Iím trying to get smarter about dating and not over explaining myself and setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

    Dumb question, but always curious about it haha. Do people consider breaks like ďoh I deleted the apps for three months and didnít dateĒ or is it more like ďStill have a profile and am on there but havenít engaged with anyone I want to go on a date withĒ?
    I'm going to come at this with some thoughts(being honest with you) so don't take it the wrong way. There are a few things you mentioned that would be a problem to me if I were getting to know you. I'm speaking as someone who, let's say, saw your profile, was interested and wanted to have a few words with you.

    I don't know how far out you live from the general populace or maybe you don't have access to public transit or a vehicle. That's fine. Your wording though suggests to me that you're hesitant to meet and are placing a lot of importance on "taking the time out to meet". This shouldn't be a huge commitment out of your day. I see this very much like shopping within a person's budget. Are you really going to walk into that Versace store three times a week if you know you're not going to buy anything? Waste of time, right? If something or someone is out of your realm realistically, don't try to convince yourself otherwise either. The same goes for someone 30 or 50 or 100 km out of your radius. That's distance. The same also goes for time. If you don't have the two hours it takes to dress up, go out and spend a good hour with someone meaningfully, maybe now isn't the right time for you to date and you're responding out of loneliness rather than a seriousness in getting to know anyone.

    Having said all that, it all also means that you've got a good grasp filtering through those profiles. I never responded to one word greetings like "hey". Girl, respect yourself by deleting and blocking that sh9t. I get the feeling like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel and wasting a lot of your time with real losers on these sites. If you can't get a good idea about what that person is about from their profile or that person hasn't put enough effort in or you haven't put enough effort in your profile either or a reluctant to show your photos or write up much about yourself, you're at the bottom of the barrel because nobody knows what you're about. The good ones don't know what you're about and you'll get the lousy options messaging you.

    I can't be sure what you're asking exactly by your last question. Are you referring to whether to believe them or not? At that early, who cares? If they say so, take it at face value and pay more attention to their behaviour in person. Don't discuss any of that via text. I'd limit your texting because you're not coming across as someone worthwhile meeting or getting to know by texting for long periods. Try not to respond to meaningless messages and profiles with no substance. Hope this helps.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Hah! That's why it's an excellent screening device. Meeting over coffee prevents guys who want to get you drunk, or worse, slip something in your drink, from manipulating you or from having access to your covered coffee or tea straight from the counter.

    Anyone who is all about meeting you will be open to this method of checking one another out. It spares both of you a long and lousy date with anyone you could have know within 5 minutes was not a match. Scheduling quick meets before investing in much messaging avoids fantasy-building and allows you a fast conversation without pressure to ever see or message him again if he's a bad match. Building up too many expectations through text or phone calls doesn't allow you this out should you stumble upon a dealbreaker before meeting. It corners you into rejecting someone, and that's squirmy and--as you've noticed--sometimes provocative.

    I'd skip that stuff. Either someone's profile is worth a quick coffee, or not. Most people are NOT our match, so it's really no skin off my back to converse politely with a stranger from whom I can walk away cleanly.
    Please keep your coffee in your sight at all times. My friend was date raped by a guy she originally met on Match because he drugged her coffee (she agreed to meet him after they'd ended things so they could talk things over)

  4. #24
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    Following up on what Rose suggested there were times I did two or even three first meets in a day. I only used public transportation and only did local. Yes, it did take time - I had to put on makeup, choose clothes I liked and typically it involved a 15-30 minutes of travel time each way. I was so busy and intense at work so it did take time. That is why I did the screening phone call. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites and there were hundreds I declined to speak to or meet.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm going to come at this with some thoughts(being honest with you) so don't take it the wrong way. There are a few things you mentioned that would be a problem to me if I were getting to know you. I'm speaking as someone who, let's say, saw your profile, was interested and wanted to have a few words with you.

    I don't know how far out you live from the general populace or maybe you don't have access to public transit or a vehicle. That's fine. Your wording though suggests to me that you're hesitant to meet and are placing a lot of importance on "taking the time out to meet". This shouldn't be a huge commitment out of your day. I see this very much like shopping within a person's budget. Are you really going to walk into that Versace store three times a week if you know you're not going to buy anything? Waste of time, right? If something or someone is out of your realm realistically, don't try to convince yourself otherwise either. The same goes for someone 30 or 50 or 100 km out of your radius. That's distance. The same also goes for time. If you don't have the two hours it takes to dress up, go out and spend a good hour with someone meaningfully, maybe now isn't the right time for you to date and you're responding out of loneliness rather than a seriousness in getting to know anyone.

    Having said all that, it all also means that you've got a good grasp filtering through those profiles. I never responded to one word greetings like "hey". Girl, respect yourself by deleting and blocking that sh9t. I get the feeling like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel and wasting a lot of your time with real losers on these sites. If you can't get a good idea about what that person is about from their profile or that person hasn't put enough effort in or you haven't put enough effort in your profile either or a reluctant to show your photos or write up much about yourself, you're at the bottom of the barrel because nobody knows what you're about. The good ones don't know what you're about and you'll get the lousy options messaging you.

    I can't be sure what you're asking exactly by your last question. Are you referring to whether to believe them or not? At that early, who cares? If they say so, take it at face value and pay more attention to their behaviour in person. Don't discuss any of that via text. I'd limit your texting because you're not coming across as someone worthwhile meeting or getting to know by texting for long periods. Try not to respond to meaningless messages and profiles with no substance. Hope this helps.
    Definitely appreciate all points of view! Iím about an hour and a half from the major city and 45 minutes to an hour outside of where people I match with are located. For me, unfortunately anyone in my immediate area to about thirty miles out are what I would consider, personally, the bottom of the barrel. Itís not a whole lot of people either. Maybe 30 or so on tinder- then you get the ďwe canít find anyone in your area please expand your radius.Ē

    Iím on pretty much every app there is, to have the most options. I was on a paid dating site, but a good portion of the people that were suggested were ones I came across on Bumble, Hinge, Tinder etc so it really didnít pay to pay if that makes sense.

    I get a lot of one word messages on the dating sites where anyone can message you, which I ignore. Luckily on the apps where it has to be a mutual match, I havenít really had anything boring to start off or vulgar. Normally itís a very normal message experience or neither of us initiate at all haha.

    I honestly wouldnít even know if they were losers as when I stop answering them itís within the first handful of messages. Iím assuming theyíre kind of lame to be following up, days later whining that I ghosted them.

    By and large most men in my area seem to have limited info in their profile other than their height. I have my traits that could possibly be deal breakers to someone listed (which coincidentally are basically what Iím all about) and I even have done the party foul of adding in one of my deal-breakers (in the least non aggressive way possible). I find that most men donít read my profile, but I feel better having it there so if they get up in arms I can say ďhey man itís stated ON my profileĒ

    I think I was just trying to garner whether the rules had changed. Like I mentioned if it was one or two id be like ďokayĒ, but out of 15 matches, to have 10 come back kind of complaining that I went ghost after a handful of messages made me take pause and reach out to see if I needed to check myself. I donít see it like that, but I want to be putting my best foot forward. I still think that itís awkward to be like ďsorry we donít have enough in commonĒ when there hasnít even been enough of an exchange and rather they just mentioned something that would exclude them from me wanting to meet.

    I appreciate the input!

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Following up on what Rose suggested there were times I did two or even three first meets in a day. I only used public transportation and only did local. Yes, it did take time - I had to put on makeup, choose clothes I liked and typically it involved a 15-30 minutes of travel time each way. I was so busy and intense at work so it did take time. That is why I did the screening phone call. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites and there were hundreds I declined to speak to or meet.
    I think local might be some of the problem. I had briefly thought of moving closer to the city, but i just donít know if I can do that solely to meet someone. I mean there isnít even the guarantee that I would. Iíd essentially have to take a pay cut and largely downsize my living space and definitely would have to go back to renting. Most other aspects of my life: my job and my home especially Iím really really happy with.

    Maybe Iím just bad at picking up on things. Even on the meets that I go one 99% of the time the guy is fine and Iíd be willing to go out again. Usually itís the 3/4th date though where Iím like ďoh dearĒ.

  8. #27
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    What I don't understand is these guys are complaining of "ghosting," but apparently they aren't doing a whole lot to work with that initial spark and build that momentum, and keep the momentum going by engaging you in text conversation and asking or arranging a meet. I've had some really great sparks in those first few texts, and those texts can be lobbed back and forth all day (not constantly) and over a few days. You get home from work and you text. Maybe exchange phone numbers, text outside of the dating app, maybe call. The thing is, I've had these experiences, and the date or meet never comes...and I've brought it up, mentioned, asked, and inquired, and no meet, and it's quite unfortunate, as we seem, at least "on paper," to hit it off really well.

    That's the fantasy-building, and this is what we want to avoid. No meet, no text. I'm not looking for a pen pal and talking about how great it would be to meet...pee or get off the potty.

    Then there are these guys that are so sporadic and aloof, and they text a "hey" or "akrngrl" once in awhile. You might lob a couple texts at them to open up conversation, and you get slow or no response and they just don't have a lot to say. They definitely don't come across as particularly interested, and as mentioned, you really feel like it's a mutual fade...and then it's not a mutual fade when they text you a "hey." (?) They don't even come up with anything like, "How'd your presentation go," or "Did that thing work out with the widgets?" I mean, the art of conversation...say something. Texting is one of those first steps to getting to know a little about each other. If they're not even a smidge invested in you to produce a sentence or a question to build rapport, why bother?

    To answer another question, I guess "taking a break" can be accomplished in many ways, but for me, I think "hiding" the profile and going dormant is perfectly fine. When you decide to get back in, you can update pictures or profile or just use the same. You might want to delete and start fresh with a whole new profile the next time around as well. Whatever trips your trigger. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers. I do find it strange when the same guy deletes and starts a new profile consistently. How many women have blocked him that he has to start new so often? I think that consistency and stability are positives. I don't know that deleting and starting a new profile every time you need to take a break would be a red-flag, but I find it a little strange.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered the catch-22 here? That is, getting so burned out that you start listing must have/must not right on the dating profile. How is that interesting or enticing? It screams burn-out when someone does this. They get so frustrated with online dating that they start to think that ruling everyone out with intensity right on the profile will be efficient.

    For example would you respond to someone who has a laundry list of what must and must not be? Like some sort of dictation or online shopping for a gadget? Would you answer a profile that had lists of must be this must not be that, must have this, must not have that, etc. No. Why? Because that person is burned out and angry.

    Listen a cup of coffee tells you a lot more than trying too hard and becoming this fatigued. You may think your lists rule out people and bring the right ones to you but in fact it screams burned out so loud that the good ones will pass. Also seeing your face on every imaginable dating app comes across as quite desperate as well.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I put it in my profile and Iím SUPER up front with it because Iíve never wanted to waste anyoneís time,

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    What I don't understand is these guys are complaining of "ghosting," but apparently they aren't doing a whole lot to work with that initial spark and build that momentum, and keep the momentum going by engaging you in text conversation and asking or arranging a meet. I've had some really great sparks in those first few texts, and those texts can be lobbed back and forth all day (not constantly) and over a few days. You get home from work and you text. Maybe exchange phone numbers, text outside of the dating app, maybe call. The thing is, I've had these experiences, and the date or meet never comes...and I've brought it up, mentioned, asked, and inquired, and no meet, and it's quite unfortunate, as we seem, at least "on paper," to hit it off really well.

    That's the fantasy-building, and this is what we want to avoid. No meet, no text. I'm not looking for a pen pal and talking about how great it would be to meet...pee or get off the potty.

    Then there are these guys that are so sporadic and aloof, and they text a "hey" or "akrngrl" once in awhile. You might lob a couple texts at them to open up conversation, and you get slow or no response and they just don't have a lot to say. They definitely don't come across as particularly interested, and as mentioned, you really feel like it's a mutual fade...and then it's not a mutual fade when they text you a "hey." (?) They don't even come up with anything like, "How'd your presentation go," or "Did that thing work out with the widgets?" I mean, the art of conversation...say something. Texting is one of those first steps to getting to know a little about each other. If they're not even a smidge invested in you to produce a sentence or a question to build rapport, why bother?

    To answer another question, I guess "taking a break" can be accomplished in many ways, but for me, I think "hiding" the profile and going dormant is perfectly fine. When you decide to get back in, you can update pictures or profile or just use the same. You might want to delete and start fresh with a whole new profile the next time around as well. Whatever trips your trigger. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers. I do find it strange when the same guy deletes and starts a new profile consistently. How many women have blocked him that he has to start new so often? I think that consistency and stability are positives. I don't know that deleting and starting a new profile every time you need to take a break would be a red-flag, but I find it a little strange.
    It does seem that way. Itís just kind of awkward I guess because after three messages I donít feel like I owe a lengthy explanation of why I chose not to answer (and Iím someone that over explains practically everything).

    Definitely not looking to fantasy build, but if I can find out the guy is allergic to cats or hates dogs or whatever before I even give them 45 minutes of my time for coffee, Iíd like that. Iím not sure itís necessarily ďburn outĒ because Iíve kind of always been that way. I have been working extremely hard to not just meet people to ďgive it a chanceĒ because it ends up poorly for me. So I have my hard boundaries and for whatever reason I feel better getting those out of the way before even meeting. Itís a pretty common question to ask ďwhat brings you to tinderĒ or ďwhat are you hoping to get from bumbleĒ? So if someone says they donít know or they just want to see where things go, I can kindly thank them for my time and set my sites elsewhere.

    Iím not defending that method, for all I know Iím doing it totally wrong haha, Iím just trying to give the best description of how I see things.

    I mean I guess I kind of have taken a ďbreakĒ or am always in a break stage. I go on a meet once every couple of months and maybe that meet leads to two or three dates and then itís done and another few months go by before I match with someone else who I think warrants a cup of coffee and the process starts over. Most people I figure out arenít my match well before I have to meet them, but again, perhaps Iím doing it wrong lol. So Iím always viewable and Iím active, but Iím not ever really meeting tons of people.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I think local might be some of the problem. I had briefly thought of moving closer to the city, but i just donít know if I can do that solely to meet someone. I mean there isnít even the guarantee that I would. Iíd essentially have to take a pay cut and largely downsize my living space and definitely would have to go back to renting. Most other aspects of my life: my job and my home especially Iím really really happy with.

    Maybe Iím just bad at picking up on things. Even on the meets that I go one 99% of the time the guy is fine and Iíd be willing to go out again. Usually itís the 3/4th date though where Iím like ďoh dearĒ.
    I moved closer to the city (by 10 miles, out of my parent's house) for the purpose of being able to walk to work and find a husband. It was interrelated because my job was so intense, so 24/7 that I didn't want the extra commute time. I paid really high rent. Worth every last penny. I was able to go out and socialize more, quick ride or walk home, etc. And I lived in an area teeming with singles. My future husband ended up moving ten blocks away from me when we dated in the late 1990s. Of course there is no guarantee. I had a tiny apartment -an apartment that many years later included my husband and a newborn for 3 months. Under 600 square feet. I didn't need space -I didn't care -I was always working or out anyway. But no I didn't take a paycut- I moved when I finished grad school and as a result got a significant raise. So I get it about the $. I live in a smaller city now -twice the space for the same rent I paid in the larger city (but it's years later too so even less). It all depends how much you want a serious long term relationship. It was one of my top three life goals (the other two being career and child). And we still rent.

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