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Thread: Ghosting Before Meeting

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.
    This is pretty much the marker I use. Even after a first meet/date if there is follow up and no response then that’s the answer. I don’t think I’ve ever actually not responded though, I give the whole “not enough chemistry” line and wish them luck. I’ve been ghosted as well after an extended amount of time and it is the actual worst. Probably why I’m so perturbed that so many people are saying I’m doing it to them. It makes me feel, for lack of a better term, icky. Not that any of them are sitting around and being like “oh yeah, that’s the ghoster-forget her, swipe left”, but like I need all the good dating juju/karma/positive energy I can get lol.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

    To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

    If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

    Boom! Done. Next.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

    To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

    If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

    Boom! Done. Next.
    Yes and also -thicker skin - everyone at some point is going to have an opinion - and when strangers do remind yourself it's a stranger which can help take away the sting. Brush it away like an annoying flea, like a vacuous piece of lint.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with the last posts.

    What I think is weird with the apps is that it seems a lot of people treat them as dating, rather than a platform to maybe date. There's a parallel with social media: are you documenting little scraps of your life, or living a scrappy life that is well-documented? Lines get blurred in human heads. The photo of the hamburger is juicier than how the burger tastes, as total strangers texting you on your phone becomes as juicy as someone you're dating—and so when the chat fizzles someone feels "ghosted."

    It's peculiar. Sounds like you stumbled into a thicket of such sensitive souls. Don't let it bring you down.

    My feeling with "ghosting" is that it has to involve (a) some form of real connection followed by (b) one person opting to sever that connection by just going ice cold: no more responding, a complete pivot from tropical to tundra. While there is no science for what makes a connection "real," I will always firmly believe that it had to exist in 3D. So let's say you go on a few dates, someone is showing lots of interest, and then—poof—they're gone. That to me is ghosting, low octane. Higher octane would be when sex is involved, even if it was a first date. And the really high octane? It's someone you've been seeing for a bit, and being intimate with in some form or another, who just vanishes. That's the dagger—the "cheating" of dating.

    In other words what you're describing—what these people are saying—is not ghosting.

    I'd call it a fetish of ghosting, which has become a social-cultural thing, related to the fetishization of psych terms ("narc" etc.). People are obsessed with ghosting, petrified of it, to the point where "dating" becomes defined as "hopefully not being ghosted" rather than "hopefully connecting with someone cool." They match on an app, or go on a date, and they're thinking: Is he/she gonna ghost me? They meet up with friends and talk about dating: I think he/she is ghosting, they say, because they haven't gotten a text message in two hours. Then the text comes in and they go: I was wrong—for now.

    I'm sorry, but: yawn. I went on a few dates where people made "light" chitchat about ghosting within 10 minutes. I knew what was being said: Are you going to ghost me? No, I don't do that, but those were the moments when my interest was gone—poof. My interest had ghosted. Too much fear, too many negative assumptions about people, too much self-absorption. I'd imagine a relationship would revolve around the question of: Will you cheat? And that's a dynamic that is just too boring and edgy for me to engage in. Last thing I want to be is a pacifier for someone's preexisting fears, or build heat and "connection" through bartering anxiety.

    I met lots of people in person when I was dating, and exchanged very few text messages. I liked it that way. I introduced "coffee this week?" into a conversation quickly, and if that didn't become a plan I let it fade. I'd say the majority of people I met were thinking about me exactly what I was thinking about them: nice person, no interest. Most of the time this was communicated with a mutual fade: "Nice meeting you," leading to mutual silence. If there was a disconnect—me wanting to see someone who didn't want to see me, or vise versa—that was explained in a sentence. Easy. A very manageable bruise, made manageable by realistic expectations—by not believing other people exist to serve your needs or soothe your jitters.

    Food for thought. In your shoes I'd look at this as...nothing to look at too closely. People with issues. They were more focused on "ghosting" than "dating" before they swiped right on you, is all, and you became in a variable in their self-sabotaging experiment.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What I do is I say that I don't feel we have much in common or xyz item doesn't agree with me personally but I'm glad that we talked about it. I try to respectfully explain that while I appreciate the other person's thoughts/ideas/hobbies, it probably doesn't quite jive with mine or we wouldn't get along. I don't disappear. I think that's rude, imho. If you're finding that that's your pattern after disagreements or disliking what someone says, it would be a red flag to me (I'd question whether that's your way of coping with differences in a relationship - shutting down - and I'd count my lucky stars this never went further). Yes, I do this if it's warranted even before we've met at all. I have some examples of great conversations over an afternoon where things have taken an unexpected turn and I've had to respond to those conversations over the phone with the other person after some knowledge was given to me. I think what matters is that you're honest, kind and respectful above all else.

    I'd quit texting back and forth before meeting. You won't be able to get the full breadth of a person if you want to get a feel of someone before meeting them. Some people feel more comfortable with a phonecall before meeting. That's fine.

    Not everyone out there is emotionally available either. They're either burnt out, upset, fed up about OLD or easily annoyed.

    I do have to say there was one person who turned it on me and accused me of being cold and unresponsive weeks prior but I was puzzled because I didn't hear from him either and he didn't make much of an effort, nor was he a great conversationalist. He blamed me for disappearing on him but I thought it faded out mutually.

    If you're not ready to date or feeling burnt out, give it a break. I took breaks and I've heard of people taking three month or six month breaks in between dates. It's draining constantly putting yourself out there. Take it easy.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    To avoid explaining yourself after meeting, I'd just set up quick meets over a coffee on your way home from work with an agreement: you'll meet for 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward, if the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

    That takes messy rejection stuff off the table.

    To end messaging before meeting, you can just say, "I've enjoyed our chat, but I don't believe I'd make a good match for you. Thanks, and best wishes."

    If you want to say why, you can say "... I don't believe I'd make a good match for you because ..." and always make it about you, not them.

    Boom! Done. Next.
    Yes! This is my formula! Honestly I get a LOT of c**p for it. Guys almost make fun of me and tell me how “generic” and “boring” I am for suggesting it . It’s a genius idea, I don’t understand the hate.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes and also -thicker skin - everyone at some point is going to have an opinion - and when strangers do remind yourself it's a stranger which can help take away the sting. Brush it away like an annoying flea, like a vacuous piece of lint.
    Thank you! I’ll try to take better stride. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t inadvertently being a jerk. Trying to take stock in myself and assess if maybe I needed to change something.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you! I’ll try to take better stride. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t inadvertently being a jerk. Trying to take stock in myself and assess if maybe I needed to change something.
    No - definitely not. I think you're probably getting too invested in these strangers prior to meeting and if you choose to take a different approach like catfeeder suggested I think you'll have less of this feedback and if you do get that kind of feedback it will be meaningless from someone you messaged with a few times and spoke to maybe once.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    What I do is I say that I don't feel we have much in common or xyz item doesn't agree with me personally but I'm glad that we talked about it. I try to respectfully explain that while I appreciate the other person's thoughts/ideas/hobbies, it probably doesn't quite jive with mine or we wouldn't get along. I don't disappear. I think that's rude, imho. If you're finding that that's your pattern after disagreements or disliking what someone says, it would be a red flag to me (I'd question whether that's your way of coping with differences in a relationship - shutting down - and I'd count my lucky stars this never went further). Yes, I do this if it's warranted even before we've met at all. I have some examples of great conversations over an afternoon where things have taken an unexpected turn and I've had to respond to those conversations over the phone with the other person after some knowledge was given to me. I think what matters is that you're honest, kind and respectful above all else.

    I'd quit texting back and forth before meeting. You won't be able to get the full breadth of a person if you want to get a feel of someone before meeting them. Some people feel more comfortable with a phonecall before meeting. That's fine.

    Not everyone out there is emotionally available either. They're either burnt out, upset, fed up about OLD or easily annoyed.

    I do have to say there was one person who turned it on me and accused me of being cold and unresponsive weeks prior but I was puzzled because I didn't hear from him either and he didn't make much of an effort, nor was he a great conversationalist. He blamed me for disappearing on him but I thought it faded out mutually.

    If you're not ready to date or feeling burnt out, give it a break. I took breaks and I've heard of people taking three month or six month breaks in between dates. It's draining constantly putting yourself out there. Take it easy.
    Interesting point of view. I definitely do that once I feel a rapport has been established or if I ask a question and they answer and it’s a dealbreaker. I guess when it’s just like ~not there~ or I inadvertently uncover a dealbreaker when there’s not a rapport that I’m not super into being like “hey thanks for messaging me twice, changed my mind”.

    Some of my dealbreakers tend to be taken very personally most times and what’s a no from me is 1000% a yes for someone else so I don’t feel I have the ability to be like “no and this is why ____”. I wouldn’t say I typically handle things by not responding. Just more so a battle I don’t feel like having with someone I’ve said less than 1000 words to.

    Maybe I’m going about it wrong, but with little to no info about someone (and that they’re also a bit of a distance) I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if they’re worth taking the time out to meet.

    I guess your last situation is kind of what I’m going through. It’s like I think it just faded, really we didn’t even have enough of a conversation to warrant a response and theyll follow up a few days later with “hey” and I won’t respond. Or sometimes it’ll be an offer for a date, but at that point we haven’t spoken in days and I just don’t feel the need to be like “thanks, but no thanks”. Maybe In those circumstances I could be more forthcoming with my lack of desire.

    I’m trying to get smarter about dating and not over explaining myself and setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

    Dumb question, but always curious about it haha. Do people consider breaks like “oh I deleted the apps for three months and didn’t date” or is it more like “Still have a profile and am on there but haven’t engaged with anyone I want to go on a date with”?

  11. #20
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    " I tend to message back and forth throughout the day to get an overall sense of if they’re worth taking the time out to meet."

    For me this would give me a sense of how the person texted -timing, word choice, acronym use. It would give me zero or next to zero information about whether to meet the person to see if we should date in the future. And certainly not worth the time it takes to type to a stranger during my typical day. I tried to talk by phone within a day or so of the first contact on the site, and then if the conversation went well and he didn't suggest a first meet I would. We spoke again only if we had to end the call really fast because one of us had something come up, or to confirm time/place to meet. I made very few exceptions -in one case we instant messaged on and off for 6 weeks before meeting in person. In another case it was going to be long distance which I was reluctant to do - and which I said no to once he said he'd only meet me if I didn't meet anyone else until he could meet me (in over a month). That was in 2004. We stayed in touch as friends, and we did meet in person -when my son was a baby and he came to my new city to meet someone through an online site. I met him and his date for a walk in the park and it was kind of a double date if it counts that I brought my baby (I invited my husband who was busy). We've met two more times when he's come to my city for various family events. Great friendship.

    With the first guy we dated for three months. None of the messaging would ever ever have clued me in that he had an undertreated anger disorder. His messages were hilarious, charming and flirty.

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