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Thread: Am I unreasonable....?

  1. #1
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    Am I unreasonable....?

    Hi everyone,

    I did not think I would be back here, but I am… I was resisting for about two weeks to post this here, but today is the final straw which broke my back.... I need your opinion, people who do not know me personally and are sincere in their opinion, can give me some advice and can look objectively on the issue I am having without taking anybody’s side because you are a friend to one or another in this relationship…
    I have been thinking what I should start with to be able to show you my feelings, my pain and my situation as a whole…. and I can see no way for me but to start from the very beginning. I promise all you will be reading in this message is 100 per cent truth, without fact massaging, just honest and open hearted confess….

    I stepped out from a physical abusive marriage relationship after being married for a month. I told myself never ever again I would get involve with any man (10 years I was alone). I met my husband without an intention of love relationship but it turned into marriage. I knew he was living in a warehouse, I knew he had no money (once he was not able to come on skype for 3 days because the internet provider shut down their service for non-payment), I knew he had 2 children and when he came to my country for the first time I asked him what his financial responsibility was before them. He said, he had left everything to his ex and the only thing he did was paying 2 phone bills until they would be 18 (please remember this, guys) and every other weekend his 2 children came to spend their time in his place.

    I came to US. I was saving all my money while I was working in my country and came to this country with $3000 in my pocket (a help to get a mortgage) and $500 my parents gave (handled) to him (it is a lot of money for the country I came from, especially my village, not here though). About a week after or so, my husband took me to a bank and we opened a joint account with $3000 (the money I brought to US). He kept the $500 though. Same day we were picking up his daughter from dancing classes and she said she needed money to pay for her dancing classes. My husband took out the money and gave it to her (the money MY PARENTS gave to us). You can ask me how I knew it was my parents’ money, and I will tell you he did not have any work that time (he is self-employed) and no checks were received in the mail and all he had in this pocket was the money given from my parents. I would have never kept this in my head if it was his money. He also owed rent so he did NOT have any money. I slid it and never mentioned this. Just for your records, 4 months after all the $3000 was blown out for electric bill, rent, food and so on… I am not complaining here.

    On the second week of my presence in this country he told me he wanted me to meet his ex-wife. Seriously? Who is she? My landlord, my creditor, my relative……? We had “a fight” that day.
    The weekends his children were coming to stay were another issue. His son would be sitting and loudly playing games all day long on OUR bed, always cursing while playing, in the middle of the room (our bed was in the middle of the room, there was a small kitchen and a bathroom. To get to the bathroom I needed to go between the bed and TV which he was using for his games. In one word it was a warehouse) while his daughter would be sleeping in the only spare room we had. No cleaning after themselves, her bras, socks and underwear were on the floor all around the room, the room was in mess. His son was blocking the way to either bathroom or shower or MY bed where I might want to lie down…. No respect to my work or to the place I lived were shown….

    On the 2nd- 3rd month my husband’s mother called and told she “shipped” his twin epileptic brother on the train and he was coming to live with us, knowing where we lived, but who cares. I had no choice but to accept him. I had sympathy back then, I felt sorry to his health condition and I could not through him out to the street. I was on his side when my husband and he were arguing just because in my eyes he was the week one. The day we were moving out from the warehouse to the house we bought, my husband donated his brother’s wheelchair to guy who had cancer (his brother intended to sell it). His brother was not using the wheelchair, it was given by the insurance company when he had broken his leg. You should have seen his attitude, they had a fight, and by the word “fight” I mean fight. I am not going to take your time here, it’s not the subject now and he no longer live with us (I am sure you read my previous post)….Once he moved out I told myself and my husband never ever again I would take anybody in to live with me.

    Back to real issue: my husband and his children.. Once his twin brother came to live with us, my husband’s children could no longer come to stay with us because the only room we had was taken by his brother, my husband would call them to take them out, to movies, have lunch or other things, in one word, to spend time with them. They did not want, they had no time and they would make any excuse to refuse. The only times they would contact him would be the times they needed something. His ex did not allow his son to play games and he would call his father in the middle of the week now to pick him up to be able to play games in our place and my husband was doing it, which became an issue with me. It is a wrong message to send to your child. We started to have tension and arguments about this issue now. Every year in October-November would be nightmare for me because new iPhone would come out which means these two’s phones suddenly would be lost, broken, did not work or some other bull (excuse my French) just to get the newest iphone.

    I have to tell you about our financial situation back then. We were always struggling financially. I will never forget we had no money for food for a week (that’s the reason why having his own business he went to work at Macys part-time, part time, because they did not have full time position). We were constantly fined by Harley for the late payments. Once our car was taken by the creditor and we did not have a car for a week. We owed our landlord for 4 months of rent. We were always late with paying rent, we were just lucky that our landlord was not kicking us out. We were fined by IRS for $1700 not filing taxes on time and not filing extension thing (sorry don’t know the name). We could not file taxes because we did not have the money ($600) to pay to the accountant to do tax returns. We were fined by the city for living in a business place, endless overdrafts in his accounts…. Horrible days, guys….

    It brings me to tears that all this time, in poverty, good and bad, I was next to him, working in the neighbor’s non-conditioned warehouse in the middle of summer just to be paid $10 an hour and hoping she would throw out some boxes I can take to resell, while his son would be playing computer games sitting on my bed or demand luxury phones while we were STRUGGLING. When his ex would call my husband and tell him what a ty father he was because he did not want to buy them a new iphone, he would never tell her that he just had no money, he would like a 5-year old child sit and nicely listen to her and never put her in her place, yell at her, just because he was afraid she would turn the children against him. He denies but I can assure you, he trembled when she called him to put him down over and over again…..The worst part of that was that he would refuse for about a week and then he would go and buy another new iphone for them…. He never says “No” to them and if he does it is for a short period of time. They manipulate him, throw him under the buss when it is convenient to them. Will give an example: his daughter wanted to stay in the house with her boyfriend when we were in living in the warehouse and instead of telling the truth, she told her mother that she was calling all night long to her father to pick her up but he would not pick up the phone…..

    A year ago his son (22 year old MAN) called him for a new iphone. my husband said he was not doing it. They hang up the phone and his ex butt dialed and his son’s words: “He is not a father. Piece of ass-hole….”, my husband heard this himself with his own ears. Any way guys, the girl is 21, the boy is 23 and we are STILL paying their phone bills. Both have jobs.

    When we were living in the warehouse, I said once to my husband that if something would happen to him I would not be able to survive and he said he would buy a life insurance and he started to look into it. No insurance company was and is willing to insure him, because of his health conditions: he has diabetes type 2 back then (now it is type 3), stain in his heart, numb feet, something connected with his blood level is too high. Anyway, either it is a very low amount of money they are ready to insure him for high monthly payment or they do not want to insure him at all. He found an insurance company which he was pre-approved considering his health condition. It would cost him around $250 monthly payment for 30-50 thousand of life insurance policy but only if he passes the test result. Guess what guys, the day the insurance guy came to fill in the papers he put beneficiaries me, his son, and daughter. Seriously? Is it a million dollar policy?

    While we were in the warehouse and struggling, his brother bought a bicycle to my husband’s daughter. The day he handled the bike to her, he told his ex not to tell me because I was against. What was this? Is he married me or he is married her? First of all why would I be against if it was his brother who paid for the bike? Was this part about me being against necessary to mention to her? I did not talk to her for her to tell me even at the first place. What kind of message he sent to her telling this…. Another example, it was a hurricane warning and his daughter was supposed to be picked up by my husband from her school in Valdosta. After dropping her back off he handles her money the way so I did not see, hiding from me…. Really? What kind of message he is sending to her here? If he did not want me to see, he could have done this while I was in the bathroom at the school or he had a week to do that while she was in our house. Sometimes I think he does things like this on purpose just to show them that it is ME who does not allow to do give or do things for them. It is convenient not to put yourself down in the eyes of your child telling “I cannot do this because I cannot afford” but it is easy to make yourself a victim “It is her why I cannot do it…”

    About a month ago my husband sent me this e-mail:

    “I've been wanting to talk to you but haven't known how or when to breach the subject. I'm sure that you are already aware as you've mentioned some things during past discussions. It's about my son.
    So I had told you that he is going to be getting an apartment in Gainsville, with his girlfriend in January/February. That's still true. She's moving down, she just doesn't know if it's late January or early February.
    My ex is moving this week. I would like my son to live with us for about 3 and a 1/2 months or so until he moves in with his Girlfriend in January/February. I've spoken to my son about this and of course told him that I still needed to speak with you.
    Of course I know that you would be against this, but I want you to take some time and consider all. This would be a very good opportunity for me to get back closer with my son. If he shows himself not mature enough, then it would seal his doom in my eyes. But I honestly feel that he has matured and will respect us.
    I have also spoken at length with him about his responsibilities and his behavior while he is in our home. You and I will create a list for him to abide by. Rules.
    He understands and genuinely seems to want to please you. He has respect for you, more so then perhaps he did for me.
    He will be transferring to the Publix and paying for his own food.
    He needs this as much as I do. He will be soon be living with his girlfriend, and I also want to help guide him in preparation for this next stage in his life, as his father.
    I am not ignorant to the levity of the situation. I know what this means for you and how much of a sacrifice it would be for the 3 to 4 months he would be with us.
    We would set up a defined list of ground rules and things that he must adhere to while in our home. These would be strictly enforced. He has already told me that he expects it to be much more rigid then living with his mom.
    I really want this honey. It's very very important to me. I know that my relationship with my daughter may never be the same but I do know that this opportunity will help my son and I. Please try to understand. Please. I know what I am asking you.
    I will make every effort and accommodation to make this as stress free on you. I promise and I swear.
    In the end, this will be good for my son and I, as well as for you and I, in terms of our relationship and personal growth.
    Please consider it.”

    My response:

    “I expected this and, had a long time to think or prepare myself for what are my options when this issue would pop-up in front of me and trust me, this just thought was and is a nightmare for me... I received this email from you, reading it and already my heart is bursting out... it is something I will never be ready for... and I am surprised you even entertained yourself to send me this and expect for me to go for it after all I have been telling you about my feelings to them, my fears, what I am ready or not ready for when it comes to them...

    You have already promised me so much about those two and you NEVER kept your promise. Why do you think I even will possibly think differently if everything in the past proved you do not keep your promises when it concerns to them. Now you put this in front of my mouth and expect me to eat. When it comes to them and "rules" you gonna make, it is bull to me... I am not going to make a list now, you know all you promised me about them...I went through living with your brother, and I damaged the relationship with you, (your uncle is calling me a c.. now, your "mother" completely went against us because of this...... ), I am wounded, my feelings changed to you, still have animosity for making me going through that.. I remember all and just the thought that could possibly happen again is a disaster for me and I promised myself "I will never do that again" ...anyway... moving another one to live with me, will kill me, will kill us... and I am not joking, and I am not ready for this.... You know well enough my feelings to them and I have no desire to torture myself staying under the same roof with a person who I have negative feelings, who I do not want to see especially daily .... I enjoy my life in our house which we were eating to get into and i do not intend to ruin or do what i will be regretting afterwords and curse you and him and the day I said Ok for him to move in...

    Your desire to as if "improve" relationship with him and "eat " whenever he puts in front of you should not reflect on me.. i am not willing or going to sacrifice my comfort or piece of mind or calmness, and more impotent US … they do not exist in my life.... These two are two selfish, ungrateful, easy forgetting good users and manipulators... I do not expect or want any "respect" from them and they never had.. (they do not have respect for their father why they would have for me and honestly, I do not care) they were in my house and their behavior wasn't of those who were willing even to show a tiny bit of respect...
    Please make this seem as if you never sent this email to me and I do not want to come back to this topic again....
    Thank you...”
    About a month weeks ago, on Sunday, he raised this issue again and I clearly stated that I was not going to do it. We had a heated argument the result of which was he said: “He is coming”. I replied: “He steps in this house, I will call the police”. He said: “He will not come” and he took the truck and left the house. 2-3 hours later he sent me a message “Will be home by 7. My son is with me”. Is this what is marriage about, guys? Is this a one way road? Who am I here? Am I for just comfort and support when he needs? Let me tell this, a son who genuinely has respect and love for his father, knowing that his father’s wife is against him moving in, would never ever put his father’s marriage under a tiny bit of stress and issues with his wife…. A real loving son’s words should be: “Dad, I know she is against me moving in, I want you to be happy, and I do not want any tension between you two because of me, I will find the way out myself”. His words were these, (I have access to his messages): “Common, Dad, you are going to lose your children because of her. Is she worth all this?” I am not going to comment this, guys…

    A year ago my husband broke his foot. None of these two called him ever to ask how he was feeling. His son goes to Texas every month to see his girlfriend but within these 5-6 months when his father was in bed, he did not find a minute to call his father to ask how he was not mentioning visiting him. If you open my husband’s phone you will see messages which he is always the first to reach to his daughter, to which she never answers. On no single birthday these two called him to say “Happy Birthday, Dad”, no single Father’s day but guess what, when it comes to mother’s day or ex’s birthday, my husband tells them not to forget to congratulate their mother… Seriously? He turned to a carpet these two are wiping their feet on. He is ready to go above and beyond for them just to get a check mark how a good father he is before them. He takes pictures of his food, things he does and sends them just to hear back from them… It’s sick….When we were moving, I asked my husband to get rid of broken furniture to bring moving expenses a little down. We got rid of much furniture (this is a whole different issue). There was a broken chest of draws I asked him to throw it out but he refused. It was sitting in the guest room all this time. He threw it out the day his son moved in for the reason because there is no room to put his son’s computer.

    Back to the money… As I said we have always been struggling, our financials improved to better the last year of us living in a warehouse, My husband’s client was using my husband’s services for 2-3 months which brought us good money and my business was bringing me good money too, we saved about $25k and moved into our current house. My husband found a job and he basically secured the mortgage payment. 2 months after he found a job, they dismissed his bankruptcy because in tax returns we filed our income was high. Long story short, they raised his monthly payment from $200 a month to $1200. It went back to tough times but not bad financially because it was still enough to pay the mortgage. He is out of bankruptcy now but he is part time now…

    Now our current situation: my business no longer brings me money, I have no money for product. My husband tells I am the blame because the debt I have is because of product I have is sitting and I just needs to blow out as soon as possible to get my money back to pay off my credit cards. Now let me tell you where this debt actually came from… I paid with my own credit cards to movers 5k, I dropped a new engine $4.5k into his truck, he did not like the floors in this house so before we moved I put 6-7k to floor materials and 3k for work. I paid $4 200 to his client reimbursement because he did not have credit cards to use, his credit score was not great… anyway… so much to write here but all I am trying to say, we are not rolling in money now either as I am still having $24k in credit card debts, my husband has around 30K in debts and on half of these cards we pay 25-29% interest.

    About a week ago I heard my husband reached out to his friend for an advice and I heard my name. I do not know what they said to each other but the only thing I know is that his friend agreed he should not have brought his son into our house as he basically showed me he did not care about my feelings. He said what he should have done is help him paying for his son’s rent. I am against this too because I am not in the positon to allow us to go deeper in debt and why I have to do this? His son is a grown up MAN, he is ready to move in with a girlfriend, so he should be totally responsible for his actions as a man and his own financials. Are we going to breast feed till he turns 35? He does not drive, he blew up his scholarship, he always gets into he never finishes and I am the one who is going to handle his mess-ups? No, guys, this not right. I am the one who is completely unsecured if something happens to my husband, I will loose everything…. who will support me? his son, his daughter or my husband’s relatives? I will be a history once something happens to him. I have 0 assets on my name, his cars, bikes, the only assets he has, will be taken by creditors if smth happens….All his debt will be MY problem…. His twin brother’s expenses are already totally on us, my husband buys food when he wants, he pays his phone bill, medical bills, also $80 a month for his 2 children phone connection…. Do I need this, guys? Is this fair to me? … My husband has 2 other brothers who do not give a sh.. t about him and a mother… I do not say he should not pay, all I am saying his brother’s financial problems should be divided between 3 brothers, but who cares…. I just have to accept the reality none of my husband’s relatives care about his brother, and we are the only ones who have to support him and honestly I was never against paying but I will always be against to pay for 2 grown-ups, who are healthy, young and have jobs and must take care of their own needs…

    Back to this ungrateful and selfish man… He came from Texas 3 weeks ago. Everything is the same… I can’t stand him, especially when I think how he came into my house… The next day of his trip, he tells me “Are you happy to see me”.. It is a mock to me….. I want to run away, escape from my own house… Let me tell you how his day goes. His day begins at 1-2pm (this is when he gets up) till 3-5 am of the next day he plays games and he sleeps till the next day (1-2pm). Our room is in the same area his room is and he is very loud. I cannot sleep at night as I have good ears. My husband is death on one ear so he is fine and does not hear. I cannot do anything around the house because this highness is sleeping during the day… I am not sure why my husband did this to me.. He leaves to work at 7am and comes at 5pm and I am the one who is around him the whole day….. It is like he brought his son for me… Torture me… He acts exactly he acted when we were living in the warehouse or the 2 times he came with his friend to chill for a week in our house. They left the sink with spitted toothpaste, water on the guest bathroom floor, mess, dirt and complete disrespect to the house which does not belong to them or to the people who live there…. The day he left for for Texas, he did the same again, left spitted toothpaste in the sink and a complete mess in his room which his father was willingly cleaning…..

    About a week ago we had another heated talk with my husband about him moving his son in. I cried, and left the house in the middle of the night. Went outside, stood in the middle of the road looking where to go…. I realized I could be raped, killed and did not have anywhere to go… I came back into the house and told him “Please leave me. Just leave me the house as I have nowhere to go and a car for me to drive to work. I will pay the mortgage myself, will find 2-5 jobs if I need….”. His words: “Poor you. Look at her. She has nowhere to go. We will sell the house and go back to your county”…..
    He is a month with us already and every day is the same.. gaming and sleeping, also eating and pooping in between. Nights are unbearable for me. I cannot sleep and if I fall asleep I am awaken by his loud talks during gaming…. I can’t stand him any more, I am hating my husband now for what and how he did and when I tell him “I did not sleep at night” he tells me that i slept well… I get up in the morning and think where to go just to escape from seeing him and his behavior…

    Today we had a quarrel very loud and he did hear us… he did not even get up… if it was me or any normal person in smb’s house hearing that I am the reason of the fight, I would get up, pack my and get out of the house….
    Any way, guys, I am broken… I am lost…. I am insulted… I lost my faith in my husband…. have no trust, time showed over and over again, my feelings are nothing for him when it comes to these two. This last thing he did showed me the true place I take for him. I am #3. Once he has grandchildren my place will move to #4…#5…. and I am not ready for this… I have one life and I want to enjoy it in MY own house….I can and have to admit now that I stepped out from a physically abusive relationship to mentally abusive one and I am not ready to live with this till the rest of my days….

    I cannot leave this marriage as I am will not be able to support myself financially…. We are only married for 6 years, I have no children…. I am not able to get any alimony from him if I step out of the marriage now..…. 2 days ago I was hired as a sales associate (part time) and I am hoping to be able “to stand up from my knees” not to depend on my husband and to prepare myself leaving alone…

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I cannot leave this marriage as I am will not be able to support myself financially….
    Then please, go home to your family and start over. There is no excuse for you to stay in a situation where you are so unhappy and being used.

    Failing going home, then talk to someone in social services that hopefully can help you escape the mess of a life you have put yourself in.

    Was this an arranged marriage? How did you meet this man?

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    No, it was our decision to get married and I met him online.... We were "Dating" for 3 years before we got married and he came twice to my country before we married...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Enlist the help of friends and family back in your home country to help you get back. Are you on a marriage visa? Also contact the embassy of your homeland and explain your situation and that you need help getting a back to your country.
    Originally Posted by Anzhela
    I met my husband without an intention of love relationship but it turned into marriage. I knew he was living in a warehouse
    I came to US. I was saving all my money while I was working in my country and came to this country with $3000 in my pocket (a help to get a mortgage) and $500 my parents gave (handled) to him (it is a lot of money for the country I came from, especially my village, not here though).
    I cannot leave this marriage as I am will not be able to support myself financially…. We are only married for 6 years, I have no children…. I am not able to get any alimony from him if I step out of the marriage now..…. 2 days ago I was hired as a sales associate (part time) and I am hoping to be able “to stand up from my knees” not to depend on my husband and to prepare myself leaving alone…

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    I have already my citizenship and to be honest my family dose not know anything i am going through... I always tell them everything is perfect... If I tell my real situation here to my family, it will kill my mom and dad... My mom went through cancer and she is in her early 70s and my dad is in his early 80s...

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    No, it was our decision to get married and I met him online.... We were "Dating" for 3 years before we got married and he came twice to my country before we married...
    So in other words, you married a stranger.

    Originally Posted by Anzhela
    I have already my citizenship and to be honest my family dose not know anything i am going through... I always tell them everything is perfect... If I tell my real situation here to my family, it will kill my mom and dad... My mom went through cancer and she is in her early 70s and my dad is in his early 80s...
    ... and another excuse for you to do nothing but stay and endure the BS that your life has become. Your mother and father would be horrified if you kept from them that you are not happy and are being emotionally abused and taken advantage of. It will Not kill your mother and father to know that you need to get away. What will kill them is finding out that you didn't confide in them when you needed them.

    If you are so afraid to tell them then tell a social worker of your plight at least and find out what your options are. There are many women's shelters in lots of countries so wherever you are living now, google for help in your area and do something about your problem rather than just vent to strangers on the internet who can't do anything to get you out of your predicament.

    If I sound unsympathetic I apologise but you need straight forward advice that will actually get you moving to help yourself.

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    I understand and you do not need to apologize....

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    I cannot say I married to a stranger... All these 3 years of so called dating we were in skype like 7-9 hours a day... every day....

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You've got a job right now so start saving. You also have debt. Try consolidating that debt to one loan (one payment) and reduce your interest. Speak to a financial advisor who can help you.

    I see this as two issues: your financial situation and your family relationships with your husband and his kids.

    To make your time a bit more bearable(before you choose to leave), I'd suggest you really take a good look at your current situation and practice putting aside that anger and resentment. How old is the son? He sounds like a typical teenager if you ask me. It doesn't sound like he talks back to you or provokes you. He stays out of your way most of the time. I think your husband's kids are terrified of you and dislike you. If I knew my stepmum despised me so much, sadly yes, this would impact the way I reach out to my dad. You do a lot of judging of others but I don't think you really see how your actions or words affect others. That takes a lot of courage and strength. Right now, you're not feeling strong because the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you feel you have to support everyone monetarily. It's you against everyone because everyone just seems stupid. They look stupid, sound stupid, act stupid and nothing they say or do looks good to you because they're just... stupid. You're angry. I get it.

    I'm also understanding your husband as a provider in his own way. He's providing for his family and helping them move from a third world country or another place that doesn't have access to the same opportunities as the US. You're not seeing eye to eye on this because there's a built up of existing anger and resentment. Of course you feel angry. You both are barely making ends meet and he's trying to provide for others. This is often the situation for first gen immigrants coming from a home country with nothing. I get this too.

    Let that anger come to a simmer and then cool off. Emotions won't let you think clearly and that's what you need to do if you want to separate and eventually divorce. You'll have to do it with a cool head and clearer thoughts. I'm 100% supportive of you choosing to separate if you feel that is the best option for you but take care of yourself and don't do things in a hurry or feeling cloudy and angry.

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    His son is 23. The day he came from Texas he did tell me "Are you happy to see me?" so i do think he provokes me and he knows that nothing will turn against him...
    I do try to do my best to get out of the debt... This is a reason I applied for a job and looking for independency...

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