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Thread: Been in a long confusing relationship not sure if we should break up

  1. #1

    Been in a long confusing relationship not sure if we should break up

    So I have been with my boyfriend for over 14 years now. We even dated a lil on and off before that when we were teenagers, but he ended up going to jail and I broke it off. We hooked up a lil after that, but it was never serious.

    We ended up getting together about 4 years after all that rather quickly after his last gf broke up with him. We have had good times and bad. We broke up for a couple of weeks in the first couple years because of a fight he had with my dad bc my dad didnt like the way he was treating me, and while we were broken up I hung out with one of my ex bfs and he slept over. My bf walked in on us sleeping in the same bed. I had on only underwear, my ex was completely dressed, we didn't do anything, but it def looked bad.

    My bf says we were together at the time, but although I remember telling him I loved him, I do not remember agreeing to get back together. He had moved out and was still at his friends house, and I remember begging him to come home and him telling me no. Either way my bf decided to show up in the middle of the night , saw the ex and me in bed sleeping and swears we were a in a relationship at the time so I cheated on him, which if we were, he is right. We ended up getting back together. I think this is part of the reason my bf treated me not great for a long time, and my guilt from it might be a reason i took it for a long time. This was about 12 years ago.

    At first our relationship was good I think, but looking back I feel like I loved him and treated him very well, but also I might have been doing it for some sort of insecurities of my own. Like I needed him to love me so I cold feel worthy of love so I showered him with love constantly. I want to say it was reciprocated and sometimes it was, but looking back it mostly wasn't and my motives weren't selfless so it probably wasn't good.


    Most of the relationship I went back and forth between thinking it was my fault, or i wasn't trying hard enough, or I felt like I was being taken advantage of and he was just using me. , but he would say he loved me and things would change for a couple weeks, but then I would end up back to feeling alone and unsupported. He was barely contributing to bills and didn't treat me super well. He wasn't outright mean or physically abusive. He didn't treat me like he loved me, like wouldn't do anything for my bday, refused to get a license or car so I was in charge of anything that required transportation, never gave me a compliment, and rarely encouraged or supported any of my dreams or ideas. I was constantly thinking I wasn't enough or I deserved better, and then I started getting resentful and I think was like spite taking care of him.

    Its been so long its hard to keep it all straight. There was a 8-10 year period where all I asked of him was to pay his bills, and get a license and a car, and it did not happen. I understand he had a bad childhood, and when we dated on off in the beginning before we got together for the last 14 years we treated each other kind of crappy, and he was drinking a lot which didn't help so I think a lot of this is the reason he didnt treat me well during that period of time or do the things I ask, or he was being selfish or both I dont know. It is probably both. I feel like I am always looking for reasons these things happened but also maybe they are all excuses.

    Ok so about 4 years ago we went out to a show with a mutual friend. After the show we had a hotel room and my bf went up to the hotel to sleep and me and the mutual friend went to get food where we proceeded to drink a lot of wine. Long story short we ended up drunk telling each other how awesome the other was and kissed. My bf had been texting me but i didnt realize bc i was dumb and drunk, when I realized I told him I would right back but proceeded to sit on a bench ourtside the restaurant to smoke a cigarette before going in the hotel. Me and the friend were sitting on a bench talking and he had his arm around me and my bf came outside and saw us. We both denied anything happened and have acted like nothing has happened since then. We fought for awhile he saying I am a cheater and dont love him, and me denying it and saying I have only asked you for 3 things at all and they are all normal adult things but you refuse to do them. I know I was a jerk for turning it around on him I have a hard time bringing up my feelings which isnt fair to him. We stayed together and everything went back to the way it was.

    Over a year ago my business lost a lot, I was making a third of what I was and I ran out of money and was no longer able to pay for pretty much everything by myself. All my savings was gone and I was not making enough to even pay my share at the time. I had been warning him about this for at least a year. He was making a lil money but not enough to pay half his share. I finally asked him if he thought he should get another job and he said yes. During this same time period my resentment was starting to build and I was slowly talking myself into breaking up with him. Finally on my birthday, about 2 weeks after he got a job, which he didn't do anything but say happy bday to me once, he asked me to make him lunch to bring to work, and I did it, but in that moment I had decided I really needed to break up with him, my soul felt so crushed, and I started trying to figure out how to even do it or if I as crazy. So about a week and a half goes by and he asks me if I still want to be with him. I say I don't know and explained how i felt. He had just started working and actually being nice to me if he hadnt I would have definitly said no. It is so hard to break up with someone you love and have invested so much time and love into especially when they start doing the things you wanted.

    So I explained to him how I feel and how things in the past have hurt me a lot and he was so shocked. He had been doing the things I asked for about a month at the time. We stayed together because I love him and I want things to work, but I wasn't acting as affectionate as I used to and this bothered him. We also have not had the greatest sex life the majority of the relationship. We go long periods of time without having sex and it has been a constant argument, and I always feel like it is my fault, which I guess it probably is because I am the one who doesnt always want to do it. I know during the bad years I didnt want to have sex a lot because our relationship wasnt happy, but now that things are getting better I still have a lot of issues with it. Part of me thinks its still the resentment. Part of me feels very insecure in the situation because we have fought about sex a bunch and it was always my fault, part of it feels like it is because I took care of him like he was a child for so long. Either way it sucks and I know it makes him very upset.

    I have told him its not him, hes not doing anything wrong, and that its probably because we werent in a good place for so long, but he doesnt understand it. We have been fighting every 2 weeks to a month about this since then. He always says I want him to be a roommate and and that is def not what I want, but I dont know how to get him to understand me, or if I should even keep trying or give up. I have tried to explain that I have to build my heart and love back up, its like I feel like my love well was dry and also I am wary things will go back to the way they were. Sometimes I feel very strong affection for him but not like I used to and not as much as I would like. I have started trying to stop thinking about all the hurtful stuff in the past, and it is helping, but I feel unfair that it is taking so long. He gets upset about it a lot and I feel bad that he is sexually frustrated. I have suggested we break up a bunch of times during these fights because I don't know how to make things better, but we don't break. He alwasy says thats what you want, and I say no, but I dont know what else to do and I dont want us both to be unhappy and we stay together. I know if I really wanted it to end I could end it, but I feel foolish since he is finally doing the things I asked him to do.

    So yeah sorry for the long rant. I am so confused and just want to be happy in my relationship and feel good about it, but I don't know if its possible or if I am just being stubborn and dont want to hurt him. I mean maybe we have both been jerks to each other too much, or we are just not compatible even if we love each other. Or maybe I am being stupid and if I just wait things will get better. I try not to, but I think about it all the time and just want some peace. Any advice is welcome.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This doesn't make sense. It's a lot about him but what about you? Do you have a full time job or career and do you drive and own a car or your own home?

    I ask to get a better idea on the dynamic. This is a lot of push and pull about finances and material things or what he is but there's very little to indicate what you're doing in the relationship. You mentioned bills earlier and he doesn't chip in much. Does that mean you pay for most of it from your own income? Is anyone else supporting you? Do you both live with family or friends?

    Either way it sounds like you have one foot out the door and are halfhearted about the relationship and burnt out. There are only two ways forward: break up or start over in counselling (trust is broken between the both of you big time). He also sounds like he needs help with alcoholism and his drinking. Living in this limbo is a waste of life and time. Don't do it.

  3. #3
    You are right, I should include more about me. I tried to include stuff about me, because I want the responses to be objective and I don't want to paint him as a villian, but I was nervous about my post being too long and posting in general.

    So to answer your questions. Yes I run my own business and have for over 10 years. I have always had at least 1 job and have always paid my share of everything even while going to school fulltime. We rent an apartment, I have a car and drive so anything requiring that like him getting to work, going grocery shopping, ect is my job. When we got together I didnt have a car or license for the first 2 years, but have had both since then. He had a car for a year when we first got together but crashed it.

    Yes I was paying all my expenses plus 55% to 100% of his. No one else is supporting me or him. We live together not with friends or family.


    I feel burnt out and have suggested counseling but he does not seem like he wants to do that and generally thinks counseling is a scam. Limbo is the way it feels and I dont want to do it anymore.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Okay, I understand. I was in your position once(previous lifetime) and it bears an uncanny resemblance. Also shared a flat with an ex and paid the bulk of the expenses and supported the both of us, also the only one driving with a license (my ex also didn't have a license but he didn't have a criminal record either). I saw about the business in the first post and I'm sorry to hear how things turned out. If you have something to tide you over now(some steady employment) and can pay your own way and support yourself without his help, you're in a better frame of mind figuring out what to do in the relationship. Don't hold on to a relationship based on not having any other options.

    Do you feel like money might be contributing to the stress overall right now and affecting your feelings for each other? Also, how's your trust in each other? Does he trust you or is he continuing to accuse you of being a cheater?

    It's not unusual when one partner shoots down the idea of extra help or outside help that the other partner feels hurt and isolated (without help). Does he ever try talking with you or speaking with you or connecting with you in meaningful ways? You mentioned he doesn't do anything for your birthday. What about other times? Is there any history of mental illness with him? Unfortunately if you are going to try working together in a relationship that alcohol has to go. He needs to get that under control and might need a lot more help than either of you realize.

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  6. #5
    Things with the business are picking up, and since I have supported myself most of my life I dont think I am afraid to be single because of the money, but it definitely has some impact.

    Like I feel somewhat resentful about it even though I don't want to. I think trust is a big part for me. Its been about 9 months since he started working and I feel like I should trust him by now, but I don't 100%, I want to, but I dont completely.

    I definitely think he doesn't trust me. He said he did trust me until I said I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be with him about 8 months ago, but I don't think he ever really did because he has accused me of being a cheater since the ex bed incident 12 years ago. He has asked me several times if I met someone else or want to be with someone else. I try to explain its not about that at all.

    For communication he brings up the lack of sex a lot, and I know it hurts him and makes him feel insecure, and I tell him I love him and try to explain how I feel, but he always says he doesnt understand or that I am making him out to be a villian and I am really not trying to, there is just no way to explain that sex makes me uncomfortable sometimes because it has always been a point of contrition in our relationship and I didnt feel loved for a long time.

    For the past 9 months he has been different, he has bought me gifts and complimented me. Previously he didn't do any of that 90% of the time. He used to say he thought birthdays were stupid because he buys gifts for people randomly, so I think I believed that for awhile, but looking back there have only been a handful of instances where i felt like he was actually doing something for me out of love. Until the past 9 months, he has been doing things that are nice now, but also he has been very inconsiderate in other ways so its tough to judge. For example I had 2 deaths in my family over the summer and fall and they both hit me really hard. Within 1-2 days of the news while I was still getting ready for the funeral he picked a fight with me both times about sex.

    I dont know about mental illness with him, but there is def some in his family. He slowed down with the drink a lot in the past 4 years He used to drink constantly but now its only once in or twice a week, I dont think there is any way he will completely stop drinking honestly. I have completely quit drinking since the concert wine night I kissed my friend. I regret that so much, i hadnt drank in almost 4 years up until then, and wish I hadn't that night lol.

    Thank you for helping. I was scared to post, but it really helps to have outside feedback.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    So much pain and resentment. No, hang in there and don't be afraid. More members will be posting again in the morning (it's night time now for a lot of them). I will check again tomorrow on the thread.

    You mentioned he has a record(having been to jail). That must have set him back finding reliable or long term employment with full time hours. It sounds like things are patching up between the both of you. My personal take on this is that you're hurting and you have a lot of built up resentment that will take a whole lot of time and commitment to work through. You need to sense that he's committed and he needs to know that you don't have one foot out the door. If you can't trust him and he can't trust you to be committed and wholehearted in your relationship, it'll always be lingering in this odd limbo state (pure unhappiness and resentment building). Trust needs to grow between both of you.

    I think the easy decision would be to break up and start over but it's never easy when you're on the inside (not the outside). I feel like you're struggling with a lot of pain and not sure whether you'll ever be happy with him and maybe too much time has passed for you to have any hope and too much time also has passed in this bad state for you to have hope. More trust. More commitment needed.

    Do you have support around you like close friends or family in case it comes to you leaving or do either of you have options (can he go somewhere else to live/move out)? Also do either of you have any kids?

  8. #7
    Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. I should be going to bed myself. I feel like you are very spot on with your response. I am going to look more into building trust and commitment. I do feel like I am in a weird limbo state where I want things to be good but am afraid there has been too much damage for things to ever actually be good, but then theres another part of me that says wait things will change. Neither of us have children and he has places he could stay if he needed too.

    Thank you again, this helped a lot. Even just writing out my feelings helped a lot. You are awesome.

  9. #8
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    You do seem to have a tendency to cheat or at the least seek attention elsewhere.

    My sister has not received a single birthday gift from her husband and father of her kids for the 18 years they have been happily together for. Doesn’t bother her. Why does it other you?
    Is it perhaps because you speak a different love language to him? Have you read the five love languages?

    But there is more to your story than my sisters.
    Your bf is clearly lazy and possibly codependent on you . My sisters husband is the opposite.

    After 14 years together, neither of you have achieved their goals or dreams. Right??

    It sounds like your 14 year on off relationship was built on shaky foundations .
    And it won’t last.

    The positive I see is that I still think you are young? And can start again? Right?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's abusive you know it, yet you stay. It will continue to get worse and you know this as well..
    Originally Posted by soconfused9
    he ended up going to jail and I broke it off.
    my dad didnt like the way he was treating me. I think this is part of the reason my bf treated me not great for a long time
    He was barely contributing to bills and didn't treat me super well. He wasn't outright mean or physically abusive.
    if I just wait things will get better.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So, do I have this right...it took him 8 to 10 YEARS to get a job and start paying his own expenses?

    Who bought all the booze he was drinking?

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