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Thread: How do you truly feel about this whole thing? Weird or not?

  1. #1

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    How do you truly feel about this whole thing? Weird or not?

    Hello, so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.


    They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017, he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential ( this is were they actually met) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.


    The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, that all the women that lived there always told her what an amazing hourglass body she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.


    He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.


    And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.


    Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook. I have a close friend that knows her ex bf and knows her as well and according to my friend she works on another even more luxurious building now.
    Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the confusion.

    I'm of mixed minds—and, at the end of the day, you know your relationship better than anyone. Have you felt generally secure? Content? Do you trust him? Feel that things are in a good place? Or have there been some concerns?

    I wouldn't mind some answers to those questions before offering thoughts about all this, how to process it and handle it.

  3. #3
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    Do you think his values have changed since then as far as his focus on her physical features - he seemed to be very focused and intense about what she looks like. I wouldn’t worry unless he is still trying to date her. Let him cyber stalk etc. I would be concerned if he still seems to prioritize physical features and value them to the extent he used to.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So are you two just watching Friends re-runs on Netflix and he pauses it to bring her up? It'd be quite strange if he were providing completely unsolicited takes on her looks. Or have you asked about her? Difficult to imagine any context within which he's telling you about how everyone thought she had a "perfect hourglass body." Were you asking him why she was attractive? Perhaps for my own amusement more than anything, just trying to wrap my mind around how these kinds of conversations happen between two actual human beings.

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  6. #5

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    @j.man Actually he started talking about her, it was on a weekend we were out, and all of a sudden he mentions her I don’t remember exactly why, this is when I found out who this woman was.

    So the hourglass body topic came up when he was telling me that she was very insecure, and I asked why would she if she is so beautiful and has all men going gaga around her(did not make sense to me) so I told him, why was she insecure? Was it her body, did she not like something about it. And he replied : “ oh no this girl had a super body, some Russian ladies that lived in the building she worked in told her : ”oh wow, what a pretty body you have it looks like a coke bottle body.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, what's on a person's mind will come out of his mouth. He sounds kind of stupid to think what interests him--a woman he went out with a few times--would be at all interesting to you. Going into depth about her attributes.

    Does he like to incite jealousy from you, or is it just that he's just clueless that speaking of an old crush to you is a wise thing to do? How did God intervene on stopping them from dating? I, too, want to know how long you two have been dating and how you perceive everything else is going in your relationship. Have you established your own personal boundaries of if a couple can be Facebook friends with people they have a past romance with?

    Maybe answering these questions will help us to give you some concrete advice.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Alexia00
    @j.man Actually he started talking about her, it was on a weekend we were out, and all of a sudden he mentions her I don’t remember exactly why, this is when I found out who this woman was.

    So the hourglass body topic came up when he was telling me that she was very insecure, and I asked why would she if she is so beautiful and has all men going gaga around her(did not make sense to me) so I told him, why was she insecure? Was it her body, did she not like something about it. And he replied : “ oh no this girl had a super body, some Russian ladies that lived in the building she worked in told her : ”oh wow, what a pretty body you have it looks like a coke bottle body.
    Why are you putting up with these tactless and rude comments?

  9. #8

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    Well we have almost 2 years together this Feb 10th we will have 2 years, my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

    My friend also says that to her opinion I am prettier, have a nicer heart and younger that this other girl. and this might in fact bother him or confuse him. Maybe he wants to use her to make me feel insecure.

    And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

  10. #9
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    2 years - so that means you have to stay with a boyfriend who behaves this way? The "why" is for him and his therapist or his trusted friend to figure out -who cares why he is acting rudely - have you told him that you find it rude, off putting, tacky, objectifying of women? "Some" people do lots of things for controlling or for otherwise -so do you mean you like being controlled -turn on for you?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Alexia00
    Well we have almost 2 years together this Feb 10th we will have 2 years, my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

    My friend also says that to her opinion I am prettier, have a nicer heart and younger that this other girl. and this might in fact bother him or confuse him. Maybe he wants to use her to make me feel insecure.

    And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.


    Oooookay, I've dated a lot of women in my time and have been with some who are incredibly attractive; however, it just didn't work out.

    But - I would never talk about them like this to someone I care about.

    Googling her image aside, this guy sounds like an imbecile if you are painting an accurate picture of him. I would be absolutely aghast if I made someone I am dating feel they need to compare to a previous person, yet it sounds like he is trying to make you feel exactly like that.

    Why is a 48-year-old man discussing how attractive and beautiful some woman he used to date is to you? This guy is bush-league at best if he's 48-years-old and this tactless.

    He tells you "she was always insecure"? Well, no s#it she was! Listen to how he talks about his past and how he is making you feel - I'd love to know her story and how she views him since she got free of "Mr.Negging his girlfriend".

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