How do you truly feel about this whole thing? Weird or not?

[goddess]

I hate to say it but your boyfriend is a tactless, rude and inconsiderate individual. Why on God's green earth does he have to mention this woman at all???? He should be aware, especially at this age, it is not acceptable, nor appropriate, to talk about this woman to you. Once was enough. Have you told him that that is such an insensitive thing to do? If he's so obtuse, mention it to him. He may be unaware of his ill-mannered tactics. That, in of itself, is pathetic. Why are you putting up with this bs? He is really messing with your mind.

[boltnrun]

You know, just because you've been dating him for a year and 3/4 doesn't mean you have to sentence yourself to a lifetime with him.

Do you want to stay with him so you'll "win" over this woman who you are very insecure about?

BTW, a guy I dated used to tell me ALL THE TIME about how hot his ex wife used to be. He told me my body was similar to the way hers had been except she had, um, very large breasts (he used a cruder term) and told me how much he loved sex with her body. I felt he was telling me indirectly that my breasts were not big enough. Not a good feeling.

[RyanMI]

And to be honest this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me( yep this is how powerful the mind is) now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

I'm with Batya33; you seem to see what he is doing and why, so much so you literally admitted you don't even enjoy the relationship anymore, you just feel the competition. I know few women who would not have already called it off or at least confronted it - so do you have some kind of enjoyment out of being treated like this or is there a deeper fear that you can't find a better man?

I mean, he's brought it up so many times that you're now feeling you are competing with the ghost of a previous relationship/fling with a woman who likely now wants nothing to do with this guy because of how he acts and hence he's bitter towards her.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. He's not making you do anything or transferring anything to you. The relationship has issues that you haven't addressed and you are using this mental catfight to find a place to put the blame/reason. You are playing a game of mirror-mirror in your head with a phantom. That is not "gaslighting", that is your obsession.

Forget about her. What is wrong between the two of you? Reflect on that if you want more peace. Your self-obsession is your insecurity, not his. Unfortunately your friend's theories are nonsense. Talking things through with a therapist would help you address what the real issues are.

my friend told me that she feels as if he is trying to make me feel insecure due to the age difference he is 17 years older than me I am 31 he is 48, and is called gaslighting, some men do this to control woman.

this obsession he has , he has transferred it to me now I feel as if I have to compare myself to her and try to be even better than her., the past years since he mentioned this girl, it has been like a competition for me, more than enjoying the relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

It's called "curiosity" and I'm confused, Alexia as to why you are so insecure about a woman that he simply likes to look at. Clearly she can get a man that is better looking, has a better job, is more financially insecure than him so why worry about her? She's not contacting him and if he contacted her, she would likely not be bothered with him when she has so many options.

If he is showing you that he loves and values you and wants to be with you then don't worry about some chicka that wants nothing to do with him. Life is too short to be worried about some eye candy that he enjoys looking at.

If his narrative about her bothers you (I suspect it would bug most people) then simply tell him that you're not interested in what she's up to, who she can pull or how lovely her outer shell is and would he please stop talking to you about her. Then don't let him do it again. Just shut him down and change the subject.

YOU be the one to put an end to it.

[goddess]

It's called "curiosity" and I'm confused, Alexia as to why you are so insecure about a woman that he simply likes to look at. Clearly she can get a man that is better looking, has a better job, is more financially insecure than him so why worry about her? She's not contacting him and if he contacted her, she would likely not be bothered with him when she has so many options.

If he is showing you that he loves and values you and wants to be with you then don't worry about some chicka that wants nothing to do with him. Life is too short to be worried about some eye candy that he enjoys looking at.

If his narrative about her bothers you (I suspect it would bug most people) then simply tell him that you're not interested in what she's up to, who she can pull or how lovely her outer shell is and would he please stop talking to you about her. Then don't let him do it again. Just shut him down and change the subject.

YOU be the one to put an end to it.

I agree with you that OP has to be the one to put an end to it but it's annoying to her to constantly have this woman thrown in her face >>> "The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, ..." So what?? If he likes to admire her/lust over her, do it but DON'T keep telling your gf. We are all human, we all have eyes and we can all appreciate beauty. Doesn't mean we should always mention it to our respective gf/bf/spouse.

After a while, it's gets old and OP feels frustrated that her inconsiderate BF keeps mentioning it to her. He should shut up and get over it. He's not a teen with raging hormones. Clearly this overgrown man-child has some issues.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree with you that OP has to be the one to put an end to it but it's annoying to her to constantly have this woman thrown in her face >>> "The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is so pretty, she looks like a model, ..." So what?? If he likes to admire her/lust over her, do it but DON'T keep telling your gf. We are all human, we all have eyes and we can all appreciate beauty. Doesn't mean we should always mention it to our respective gf/bf/spouse.

After a while, it's gets old and OP feels frustrated that her inconsiderate BF keeps mentioning it to her. He should shut up and get over it. He's not a teen with raging hormones. Clearly this overgrown man-child has some issues.

That is why she should have shut it down a long time ago (and what I advised) instead of listening to him. I do not understand why so many women put up with BS they don't like instead of simply saying (as an example in this case) "I do not care to hear how you admire your ex and her looks so tell it to your friends and leave me the hell out of it. PERIOD.

If it annoys then don't tolerate it.

[goddess]

That is why she should have shut it down a long time ago (and what I advised) instead of listening to him. I do not understand why so many women put up with BS they don't like instead of simply saying (as an example in this case) "I do not care to hear how you admire your ex and her looks so tell it to your friends and leave me the hell out of it. PERIOD.

If it annoys then don't tolerate it.

Spot on, my friend!

[Tinydance]

I think it's normal to have crushes but the problem here is that he is very insensitive. It is just very poor tact in a monogamous relationship (and even polyamorous) to talk a lot about how incredibly beautiful someone else is etc. etc. And especially as he dated her briefly! Unless she's an actual friend then why does he still even have her on Facebook? I'm friends/acquaintances with a couple of my ex's but I don't see them much and don't ever talk about them "in that way". I understand sometimes everyone gets curious and Internet stalks but if your boyfriend respects you, he shouldn't talk about her to you at all and not have her on Facebook. It's just very poor form!

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.