In desperate need of help to fall out of love

For a couple years now I've had a crush on a girl. About a year ago I asked her out and was rejected. I thought I was ok with it and that I could move on, but no matter how hard I try I can't get over my feelings for her. No one else seems to even come close to how perfect she was, and right now it just feels impossible to ever move on. Any thoughts?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

see if this resonates

That's a long time to have a crush. Since you two never actualized the relationship, it doesn't seem healthy.

Maybe she is nice to look at, and you let your mind go to all sorts of possible things that weren't possible in real life. And you thought you were in love because you were sexually attracted.

But, if she isn't interested - she isn't interested.

If you focused on yourself and tried to make yourself the best version of yourself you can be, and took your attention off her you might find there are other females just as attracted to you.

If you don't think anyone can measure up to your fantasies they won't. Be willing to let life teach you how to love.

Even beautiful seeming people have flaws and problems, and it's likely not knowing the real person behind the perfect exterior may have reinforced some over simplified ideas about your perfect woman. And if you had somehow had this relationship happen, you would be totally unprepared for the reality of it.

I think you should work towards having fun and having relationships, just for the adventure, and the enjoyment of life.And who knows, in time, you'll find something better than you can imagine right now.

There is so much more in life than this one attractive person.

It's too sad to think you let life pass you by for someone who doesn't even see you or appreciate you.

Do you work with her? How do you know each other? If you feel you are suffering from obsessions you could enlist the support of a therapist to help you overcome it. You may be avoiding real life and real people by having an imaginary "perfect" person in your mind that is simply projected onto to this girl.

For a couple years now I've had a crush on a girl. About a year ago I asked her out and was rejected. No one else seems to even come close to how perfect she was, and right now it just feels impossible to ever move on.

In my opinion, that is not limerence but rather a unhealthy habit. I'm guessing that you've had a crush on this girl for a long time(years) before you finally build up the courage to ask her out. She offcourse was unable to know about this crush you've had for her, for such a long time. the reason why it hits you this hard is because you've build her up so much before finally facing the rejection. You are basically getting over a relationship that never existed in the first place. When you look at it this way, It's very logical actually.

The next time you feel immense attraction for someone, ask that person out as soon as you can. I know it's very difficult but you need to build the habit in facing your fears(fear of rejection in this case) much sooner rather then later. As it will become Much, much easier to move on when you get rejected (in whichever form it may be). And aside from that, you build up a very skillfull habit that will serve you well in life.

For now, I would treat this as a breakup (I know it's weird) and go no contact(if you are in some form), it's important that you never see her again and just focus on yourself and try some new things(take up some new hobbies if you will) you usually would never do. Break some unhealthy routines in your life and I guarentee, you will get over this. And offcourse most importantly, try not to focus on getting over her ;). Just focus on other stuff in your life. If you don't have much, then it's time to create it.

Give some more detail - where do you see her? How often? Have you been going out with other people? What exactly - off the top of your head - is so attractive about her?

A year is a long time to have a crush, I'm curious how often you are dating?

How old are you? I had a crush on someone for FOUR years in highschool and nothing came of it. He called me an ice queen and ended up dating someone else I knew which hurt a lot but I never let it show. Apparently went we met again twenty years later he said he tried everything to get my attention but I wouldn't respond at the time. Did she give you a reason for not going out with you? Are you still chatting with her? Why not ask her out again?

I feel like this is about how you don't understand why she rejected you rather than her not going out with you. She's human like everyone else. Talk to her if you can. If she really doesn't want to have anything to do with you at all and is rude to you, make new friends and take a breather. You're stuck in this space.

Do you work with her? How do you know each other? If you feel you are suffering from obsessions you could enlist the support of a therapist to help you overcome it. You may be avoiding real life and real people by having an imaginary "perfect" person in your mind that is simply projected onto to this girl.

We go to college together. I've known her most of my life through school but it wasn't until more recently when I started to get to know her better after traveling with her on a school trip that I started to feel this way about her.

Give some more detail - where do you see her? How often? Have you been going out with other people? What exactly - off the top of your head - is so attractive about her?

 

A year is a long time to have a crush, I'm curious how often you are dating?

I see her almost every day at college. I haven't been going out with other people; no one else seems to interest me like her. And I know this sounds kind of cliche, but everything about her is attractive. She's nice, funny, and we can hold up interesting conversations for hours. We do psychology together and apparently we've even got complimentary personality types. To top it off she's also physically attractive to me

Thanks for all the quick and in depth replies everyone. I think agree with what a lot of you are saying. Rather than reply with quotes to all of you individually I'll just try to summarise here. Eldasensei that all sounds right. I know this is probably a dumb question but do I have to go no contact? Seeing her is the highlight of my day and as much as it makes me sad I still love to be around her. We've only got a week left until we finish college and I'll never see her again unless we go out of our way to meet up. Are you certain I need to break all ties? Lastly to answer Rose's other question, at the time she explained to me that it wasn't me, but she just wasn't interested in a relationship while still at school, and that she wanted to focus on her studies. Before anyone suggests trying to ask again now that we're finishing, just know that she's taking a gap year traveling and I won't be seeing her at all for a while.

If it's only one week left, then wait it out but then you do need to go no contact. This is because your brain is addicted to seeing her. You are actually very lucky that she is leaving. That way you won't risk bumping into her. You need to treat this as an addiction. That means no contact, no social media stalking, no talking to mutual friends about her, nada.

Imo, the "focusing on her studies" explanation indicates that she was just not that into you. It was a way of letting you down easy. Had your feelings been mutual her studies would not heve been an issue. She was trying to be kind but unfortunately that also probably left you with a sliver of hope that is keeping you stuck. You need to let go of that hope.

The girl you are in love with does not really exist. You have built her up in your mind giving her epic proportions. Whatever comparisons you are making to other girls are unfair and you need to take her off the pedestal. Good luck.

Ok, I'll try. Do you think it's ok for me to at least leave a message for her explaining why I'm purging her from my life? I take it I should also delete all photos or mementos I may have of her?

How old are you? I used to get a lot of crushes back in university, I still do really and I'm 34! The good thing is they do pass eventually! Even being in love with someone passes after a relationship break up.

I think to get over someone though you need to make some effort. Are you good friends with her? Do you actually hang out much or do you just talk to her at college? I think you should definitely limit contact. It's difficult to move on when you interact with that person all the time. Also maybe you should try dating other girls too.

It sounds like you're idolizing this girl and seems like your crush on her is largely based in fantasy. It's actually easy to think someone is perfect and amazing when you've never dated them because you don't see their flaws. Everyone has flaws and this girl does too. So she's not "perfect". You just think she is because she's unattainable to you.

I remember I was in love with this guy who didn't feel the same. He said to me "I used to be obsessed with this girl and think she was "the one", but she rejected me. Then I realised she can't be the one. Because the one would love me back." I'd always remembered that and remind myself of that when I get rejected. How can this be the right girl for you if she's not even into you?

If it's only one week left, then wait it out but then you do need to go no contact. This is because your brain is addicted to seeing her. You are actually very lucky that she is leaving. That way you won't risk bumping into her. You need to treat this as an addiction. That means no contact, no social media stalking, no talking to mutual friends about her, nada.

 

Imo, the "focusing on her studies" explanation indicates that she was just not that into you. It was a way of letting you down easy. Had your feelings been mutual her studies would not heve been an issue. She was trying to be kind but unfortunately that also probably left you with a sliver of hope that is keeping you stuck. You need to let go of that hope.

 

The girl you are in love with does not really exist. You have built her up in your mind giving her epic proportions. Whatever comparisons you are making to other girls are unfair and you need to take her off the pedestal. Good luck.

Basically this. OP, if she was into you, she would've made time for you. I guarentee you, she's deffinitly dating and making time for other men. I know it's a hard pill to swallow. But there actually is no such thing as being too busy for someone you are interested in. And it doesn't have to take more then 10 minutes for a women to find out she's interested in you. Either she is, or isn't. You've allready expressed your interest. Seeing your post, I can now savely assume that she has your number or something to reach out to you with. If she want's to date you, trust me, she will reach out to you. Now that leaves me to this: you don't need to leave a message explaining to her why you don't want to contact her. You messaging her isn't going to change anything. You are only prolonging the inevitable.

Just let this be and move on. I think you have enough advice in how to move on from this.

Trust me man. I know how you feel. I don't want to admid it, but i've been where you are now. And it took me some changes and heartbreaks to learn some valuable lessons in life and dating.

I think this is a great time to reflect on what has been working out for you in this part of your life and what hasn't. And change up some habits for the better.

I know you can do this.

What allways helped me out was getting out of my comfortzone. It doesn't necessary have to be in dating.

Thanks for the help everyone. As hard as it is I'm going to try going no contact next after this week, in the meantime I suppose I'll start deleting some photos. I guess I'll let you know how it goes

sure man, keep us updated. You'll get through this even if it may not feel like it at the moment.

You move on by becoming so crazy busy with healthy distractions that you don't have any extra brain space to think of her and you're too exhausted to care. This is what I do. Become so busy with life that you're flying by the seat of your pants.

Give yourself self-respect. Whenever people don't give you the time of day nor treat you as if you don't matter, soldier on. Have the courage to take great care of yourself and surround yourself with people who are sincerely kind such as cherished friends and family.

My story is not the same as yours. I want a certain person back into my life. She was a dear cousin from childhood. Her reads like a Greek tragedy. Her life has since changed drastically due to poor personal choices such as marrying the wrong husband who's afflicted with serious autoimmune disorders, he had bad scrapes with the law and their marriage spiraled rapidly downhill into an abyss. She's the sole breadwinner and they have two children. I wish I could be close to her but she can't have a close friendship with me because she's overwhelmed with her life which is a hot mess. I had to let her go.

You have to accept the situation for what it is, be mature, grow up and be matter-of-fact. You don't have to like it but you have to accept how life is today. It's beyond your control.

Reprogram your brain, switch gears, change the way you think and concentrate on realistic joy. After that, you will find peace from within.

No. This is not a breakup so you don't need to do anything. Simply move forward and start talking to and dating other girls. No drama.

Do you think it's ok for me to at least leave a message for her explaining why I'm purging her from my life? I take it I should also delete all photos or mementos I may have of her?