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Thread: Depression/alcoholic/ptsd boyfriend

  1. #1

    Depression/alcoholic/ptsd boyfriend

    I知 stuck. I知 new to the dating world. My current partner and I met during work and we hit it off great. Many of my coworkers and my close friends (from work) warned me about him. That he is a train wreck and I shouldn稚 invest my time with him. But during the time we have been together it was awesome. He treated me nicely (like a princess) always tried to make me happy and did everything in his power to do so. So I never took in consideration of what others had to say about it. Fast forward a few months after talking I noticed he drank a lot... way too much. And would sometimes call out of work or not even show up to work because he was so hammered. One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up. During the time he was under the influence he never was aggressive or shown aggression physically. I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop. I really do like him despite all his problems and issues he is genuinely a caring person.
    Sorry if this is all over the place.

    Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for 電rinking after promising he would never drink again. And if he did drink to break up with him. And instead of breaking up with him I decided to give him another chance and we decided that the DOM would help our relationship. The dom is a rehabilitation center for alcoholism ect. After a month at the Dom he came cleaned and even got shots to cure his cravings.

    Present time, I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days. And started bawling on the phone saying it痴 his fault and he can稚 help it because of his depression..

    Now I知 lost I致e never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/ . But I feel like I need to end it because we promised once again if he drank I would leave him.
    So I feel like I need to keep my word but on the other hand I知 nervous what will happen next with him if I leave. I need advice please

    I知 such a caring person I don稚 think I can just straight up leave him but I don稚 know what other options I have...

  2. #2
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    You do sound a very caring person OP and I feel for you.

    Unfortunately he sounds like he needs more help than you can give him. It sounds like he's not in denial over his problems but at the moment he cannot overcome his demons for whatever reason.

    Is he having any treatment for his depression? Meds and/or therapy. If he' not then he needs to get that addressed pronto.

    If you have had enough and want to end things then no one could blame you. As his partner you are his partner not saviour. You can only offer support. Not cure him.

    If you end things and he does anything to himself then you are 100% Not to blame. It will be a choice he makes. His problems existed long before you came along.

    I think if you stay with him nothing will change sadly. He sounds like he does have good qualities underneath it all as you said yourself but until he kicks his addiction and depression then you will always be unhappy.

  3. #3
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    You are in over your head with this man.

    He has serious problems you cannot help him with, and as you've discovered, promises from him mean nothing. This is the nature of addiction. A promise not to drink is an empty promise when the addiction is out of control.

    Without meaning to sound unkind, you are profoundly confusing being caring with being codependent. The latter is extremely unhealthy and will keep you stuck in relationships that are detrimental to your own well-being. I realize you care for him in the sense that you want him to be okay, but you cannot save him from himself and you will pay a heavy price for trying to do so. I would end this, and if he threatens to hurt himself, call emergency services.

  4. #4
    Thank you so much for this!

  5.  

  6. #5
    Hello he is getting treatment. He has daily meetings per week and is taking his meds as well.

  7. #6
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    If you are a caring person , you would leave him but before you do, tell a family member of his that you are leaving and therefore passing on the responsibility you think is on you.

    In all honesty his attraction to you is because he can get away with his actions time and time again.
    But that痴 not helpful to him at all.

    He needs to actually face his demons and face the people who are responsible for him. While you are around , he won稚 do that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are not a rehab facility and dating us not social work. This isn't about "being such a caring person", it's about being a controlling and desperate person. Stop being a martyr and start reflecting on why you are doing this.

    Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking is like telling the sky to stop raining. It's wishful thinking and believing that your say-so will change the world. All you are doing is enabling and facilitating his drinking making his serious issues a hobby or project of yours. Stop and walk away. He will be fine without you and make his own choices.
    Originally Posted by Skilldoll
    One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up.
    I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop.
    Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for 電rinking after promising he would never drink again.
    I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days.
    I知 such a caring person I don稚 think I can just straight up leave him but I don稚 know what other options I have...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skilldoll
    I知 stuck. I知 new to the dating world. My current partner and I met during work and we hit it off great. Many of my coworkers and my close friends (from work) warned me about him. That he is a train wreck and I shouldn稚 invest my time with him. But during the time we have been together it was awesome. He treated me nicely (like a princess) always tried to make me happy and did everything in his power to do so. So I never took in consideration of what others had to say about it. Fast forward a few months after talking I noticed he drank a lot... way too much. And would sometimes call out of work or not even show up to work because he was so hammered. One time he actually came to work hammered and passed out while working... :/ soon he was fired for taking time off and not showing up. During the time he was under the influence he never was aggressive or shown aggression physically. I told him he needed to stop drinking alcohol and to promise me he will stop. I really do like him despite all his problems and issues he is genuinely a caring person.
    Sorry if this is all over the place.

    Fast forward a few months he ended up getting fired for 電rinking after promising he would never drink again. And if he did drink to break up with him. And instead of breaking up with him I decided to give him another chance and we decided that the DOM would help our relationship. The dom is a rehabilitation center for alcoholism ect. After a month at the Dom he came cleaned and even got shots to cure his cravings.

    Present time, I started to notice signs of him drinking again. I called him up and he was slurring his words and admitted after multiple attempts to admit that he was drinking again for TWO days. And started bawling on the phone saying it痴 his fault and he can稚 help it because of his depression..

    Now I知 lost I致e never had this happened (first timer). And Im nervous if I leave him something bad will happen to him :/ . But I feel like I need to end it because we promised once again if he drank I would leave him.
    So I feel like I need to keep my word but on the other hand I知 nervous what will happen next with him if I leave. I need advice please

    I知 such a caring person I don稚 think I can just straight up leave him but I don稚 know what other options I have...
    I recommend that you search out Al-anon meetings near you and that you start attending them. You will find other people who are experiencing the same situation that you are in. It is actually very common. Also consider reading Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, which will educate you about the trap that you are walking into with this guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You couldn稚 have seriously thought making him promise you he wouldn稚 drink anymore would work.

    If all this was truly in his power, I doubt he壇 willingly lose his job.

    You池e codependent and a bit of a martyr, not a 祖aring person believe it or not the reason you don稚 want to leave isn稚 mercy, it痴 because you 創eed him just as much as he 創eeds you.

    You池e textbook.

    I agree with the above poster, go to alanon read up on codependency and stop telling yourself you池e doing this for any other reason but your own demons.

    Good luck.

  11. #10
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    Any treatment program would advise him to abstain from trying to start or be involved in a romantic relationship while he's in recovery.

    He can't focus on you right now if he truly has a desire to stop drinking.

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