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Thread: Did he sexually abuse me?

  1. #1

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    Did he sexually abuse me?

    Iíve had a friend whoís older than me that Iíve known over a year. Iím 21, heís 25.

    He confessed heís in love with me. I let him down gently loads of times. Explaining that Iíve been through a lot of trauma that I need to work on (Iíve been abused, and raped once before) and physically Iím unable to get aroused (serious hormonal problems.)

    Iím a recovering alcoholic and we usually have drinks together. Once he kissed me and I was really angry about it. Another time when I was sick he kissed me the night before I travelled overseas for college.

    He told me he had throat cancer, and even gives me suicidal scares. I study as a psychologist and take mental health really seriously so I go back. While i was away, he had started drinking a lot

    He says he doesnít want me for my money, body, or whatever. That he usually fights and insists to pay the bill when weíre drinking. And that if he wants a girl he can get a prostitute. He works im still a student.
    He tries to meet me everyday and even spoke to my father that he wants to get engaged to me and loves me and all that.

    2 weeks ago we got in a car crash (he was drunk and drifted) I only had mild injuries. He felt really bad and kept apologizing, I said itís okay and made him promise to never ever drink and drive as heís putting lives at risk.
    Yesterday, he asked me to meet and I agreed. But after I knew he had drank at the bar next to my house I said no. I was against him cruising after drinking a pint on a busy night. He kept insisting and finally convinced me to come to the bar. I said I was broke and wonít get paid from my teaching until a Week but he said Iíll pay him later. Anyway I went and we had a cocktail. He was offering to help me with something private. Then he kept insisting to book a hotel room as he wasnít feeling well. And he said weíll just hang out and chill. (He had asked me before and convinced me that it doesnít mean anything romantic). Even though the first hotel said no because I had no ID atm he tried with the second.

    We got in and I went in and said to order food.
    He put on music and asked me for a slow dance. When he started getting too close I pulled away. He said heíll rest until the food comes and kept asking me for cuddles. A while later, i went to lay down (far from him, the bed is big). And I felt him move close and big spoon me (my back was to him). He was holding me by my waist and closely but I wasnít feeling comfortable at all.

    Then I felt his boner, he had unbuckled his pants and made my hand hold it. I panicked and after a few seconds I jumped up and took my things and said I need to go.
    He said wait wait, but I just ran home. (The hotel is next to my house)
    He texted me that heís looking for me everywhere and to text him when I wake up but I didnít reply.

    What do I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Get help for your drinking. You are not "A recovering alcoholic" if you are actively drinking still. You are an alcoholic.... even when you stop you will still be an alcoholic that is currently in recovery... but always the title.

    What do you do: You get yourself into a 12 step programme with like minded people such as Alcoholics Anonymous and you keep yourself away from people like him. He is a bad influence on you as he begs you to drink with him. You don't need friends like that if you are serious about remaining in recovery.

    What do you do: You don't go to hotel rooms with men that you know are drunk and want to get with you.

    What do you do: You don't get into cars with people that have been drinking and if someone insists on doing that (he does because he's done it many times before) then you call the cops on them and report them as being drunk and driving. You stop enabling that ridiculously irresponsible behaviour.

    Are you in some sort of therapy to help you with your addiction and codependency issues at all?

  3. #3
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    What do you do?
    Stop communicating with him.
    I mean, the guy kissed you and you were angry about it -- but yet you still kept seeing this guy.
    You keep going for drinks with this guy.
    You agreed to go to a hotel with this guy and slow dance.
    You lay on the bed with him
    Although he does things you do not like, you keep craving his company.

    Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

    Why do you keep doing things you say you don't want - hanging with someone you don't like??

  4. #4
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    You stop communicating with him, period.

    As someone who studies mental health, I have to say I'm quite surprised you don't seem to recognize the red flags all over this entire situation.

    I am equally surprised you refer to yourself as a recovering alcoholic but in the same breath tell us about how you drink with this person. What is going on there?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I forgot to answer your thread title question of "Did he sexually abuse me"

    That's a question that will cause a lot of debate I'm sure but my opinion is No, he didn't. He foolishly tried it on with someone he thought was a willing participant due to going to the hotel with him instead of going home when she lived next door to the very hotel she went to willing with him who also lay on a bed with him (instead of just going home) and she slow danced with him. He stopped when you got up and he didn't try to stop you when you finally left. If you don't want anything romantic with this man and only, as you say, want to be platonic friends then quit crossing the boundaries of platonic friendship with him. "Boundaries" they will teach you about them in personal therapy and in AA meetings.

    Please look after yourself and do something to help you respect yourself and to support you in your sobriety.

    Let the debate begin.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I wouldn't call that sexual abuse, no.

    I mean, I am only giving you my opinion. What he did was definitely unwelcomed and he was trying to force an intimate relationship with you. But at the same time you need to be far more stricter with your boundaries.

    A hotel room is never a good idea unless it 100% is a boyfriend.

    How he behaved ruined your friendship and I would personally never speak to him again. But as for the rest of it, it wouldn't be anything you could formally charge him with.

    Both of you need to get help with your drinking.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing leaving as soon as things got out of hand. Delete and block him. Are you planning to press charges for him moving your hand to his erection? Do you plan on continuing to see him or remain friends? All these things factor into whether this was an assault situation or a drunken almost hookup gone bad.

    Your question is quite loaded and of course this is not a professional law enforcement agency or an attorney consultation nor did you go to an emergency room for objective evidence of your allegation. Your description and many other such situations can be subjective, so it's best for you to reflect on what really happened and what you wish to do with that.

    You are not "recovering" if you are going out drinking together. Also there's no need to join drunken creeps in their hotel rooms. Focus on getting clean and sober and not dating drunks or creeps. You may consider therapy or support groups if there are a lot of grey areas or issues in your life.
    Originally Posted by Carlee98
    I
    Iím a recovering alcoholic and we usually have drinks together. I panicked and after a few seconds I jumped up and took my things and said I need to go.
    I just ran home.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are a psychology student and an alcoholic who drinks too much. Did you not learn anything in your classes? You sure arent a recovering alcoholic. My brother had a PhD in psychology and he sure never drank like you do. I think you need some serious therapy and to join AA. Stop hanging out with this guy who clearly wants to have sex with you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Well, here's my take on it. He's older and you might be feeling your ego boosted because an older guy is paying attention to you. You're on your way to earning your education in a meaningful way and you are an empathetic person. Your background probably played a role in that level of empathy and you're also very naive and trusting and I think your ability to create boundaries and stick to them is somewhat broken/malfunctioning. The overall mix is not so good especially when you're faced with the opposite sex, alcohol and some horniness/sexual chemistry.

    It could have been this guy, it could have been another friend, it could have been another man or some place else.

    My opinion - keep working with your therapist if you're seeing someone to help you with your past trauma and creating/sticking to better boundaries.

    You haven't done anything wrong to anyone but you have not successfully learned how to create boundaries so that your relationships and friendships continue to operate and function in healthy or positive ways for you.

    Keep in mind not everyone will jive with you either. This person has every right to walk away and not like your boundaries if he doesn't like them. You just need to stick to it and make better decisions for yourself going forward. Resist that ego boost next time and learn to use your empathy for others in more constructive ways (be careful of the influences you bring in). Just because you take psychology, it doesn't mean you can be complacent either and it doesn't make you the queen of all understandings. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and don't dwell on this. Just learn from it.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    For someone who "studies as a psychologist" (your words) these scenarios simply don't seem to add up. I have to wonder if there's more to this?

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