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Thread: Did he sexually abuse me?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Carlee98
    I appreciate some of the feedback. The one that was important for me was my problem with boundaries.
    And I didnít have ego boosts. Itís true older men and even younger have fancied me, but I donít really care as I mentioned above, Iím not interested in sex or relationships at all
    Then stop acting as if you are. You have unfortunately given this man many mixed signals. Your words (I don't want a relationship/sex) are completely different to your actions of following him to a hotel room, lying on his bed, slow dancing, drinking with him... all of which are date-like activities and cross platonic relationship boundaries.

    You may not have come here "to be chastised" but coddling you would be enabling your naivete and would not be opening your eyes to your own culpability in this situation (and I'm sure many others that have transpired in your life).

    Please talk to your psychiatrist about the situation and let us know what he/she advises.

  2. #22
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    I have never studied psychology.... maybe i understood you wrongly?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Adding:
    In no way do I think I behaved promiscuously.
    No one said you did, did they? If they did, I missed it. What some of us have said is that you gave mixed signals. Your words said you only wanted to be a platonic friend, your actions said... If you keep trying, I might just give in.

    So: Match your actions with your words and it will be very clear that getting with him sexually or romantically is NEVER going to happen and if he wants to discontinue the friendship because of your boundary, then that is up to him. If he wants to continue it then he must respect your boundary or you will end the friendship. A firm boundary not to be crossed by either of you. No crossing platonic friendship boundaries by either of you.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Anzhela
    I have never studied psychology.... maybe i understood you wrongly?
    Are you Carlee98? Do you have two different user names?

    Because the OP, Carlee98, wrote this:
    " I study as a psychologist and take mental health really seriously so I go back."

    A male friend of mine told me several times he thinks he and I should "get together". I am not interested in him romantically and don't want to date him. I have visited his home but whenever he suggested I stay overnight (I was visiting from out of state) I do not and go back to my hotel room (alone) instead. He always wanted to give me massages and I always said no. One time I went over to watch a sporting event. I sat on a different couch from him and kept my distance. He asked me if I wanted a massage and I said "no". He kept saying "come on, how can you not want a massage?" And I kept repeating "no". He got up while I was in the bathroom and got a bottle of baby oil and when I came back into the room he instructed me to remove my top, baby oil in hand. I got up and left over his protests. I no longer visit him at his home and he is not welcome in mine.

    When you know someone is romantically interested in you, it's best to keep your message clear and your boundaries strong.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Did he sexually abuse me?
    That's for you to decide. Either way, what do you believe the answer would buy you?

  7. #26
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    Well, I think there's a bit of a grey area there...I think the guy sounds really full-on and over the top and pushy/forceful. You turned him down many times and he continued to try to kiss and touch you. That is wrong. But the thing is that if you are not interested in someone, you shouldn't behave the way you did.

    I understand that maybe you just wanted to be friends, but very clearly you could not have a friendship with this guy because he DOESN'T want just friendship, he wants a relationship and sex. So there is no way to be friends because you had very clear indications that he doesn't take "no" for an answer and he won't stop pursuing you. So the only thing left for you to do was to stop hanging out with him and stop all contact.

    However you continued spending time with him, and also overstepping "friend" boundaries by drinking together, going for drives, going to a hotel. You were leading this guy on and giving him mixed signals. Your mouth was saying you were not interested, but your actions showed otherwise. If you were angry he tried to kiss you, etc., why did you continue spending time with him so much?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Only you know what took place so how would a bunch of opinions affect your friendship with him?
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Either way, what do you believe the answer would buy you?

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