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Did he sexually abuse me?


Carlee98

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I’ve had a friend who’s older than me that I’ve known over a year. I’m 21, he’s 25.

 

He confessed he’s in love with me. I let him down gently loads of times. Explaining that I’ve been through a lot of trauma that I need to work on (I’ve been abused, and raped once before) and physically I’m unable to get aroused (serious hormonal problems.)

 

I’m a recovering alcoholic and we usually have drinks together. Once he kissed me and I was really angry about it. Another time when I was sick he kissed me the night before I travelled overseas for college.

 

He told me he had throat cancer, and even gives me suicidal scares. I study as a psychologist and take mental health really seriously so I go back. While i was away, he had started drinking a lot

 

He says he doesn’t want me for my money, body, or whatever. That he usually fights and insists to pay the bill when we’re drinking. And that if he wants a girl he can get a prostitute. He works im still a student.

He tries to meet me everyday and even spoke to my father that he wants to get engaged to me and loves me and all that.

 

2 weeks ago we got in a car crash (he was drunk and drifted) I only had mild injuries. He felt really bad and kept apologizing, I said it’s okay and made him promise to never ever drink and drive as he’s putting lives at risk.

Yesterday, he asked me to meet and I agreed. But after I knew he had drank at the bar next to my house I said no. I was against him cruising after drinking a pint on a busy night. He kept insisting and finally convinced me to come to the bar. I said I was broke and won’t get paid from my teaching until a Week but he said I’ll pay him later. Anyway I went and we had a cocktail. He was offering to help me with something private. Then he kept insisting to book a hotel room as he wasn’t feeling well. And he said we’ll just hang out and chill. (He had asked me before and convinced me that it doesn’t mean anything romantic). Even though the first hotel said no because I had no ID atm he tried with the second.

 

We got in and I went in and said to order food.

He put on music and asked me for a slow dance. When he started getting too close I pulled away. He said he’ll rest until the food comes and kept asking me for cuddles. A while later, i went to lay down (far from him, the bed is big). And I felt him move close and big spoon me (my back was to him). He was holding me by my waist and closely but I wasn’t feeling comfortable at all.

 

Then I felt his boner, he had unbuckled his pants and made my hand hold it. I panicked and after a few seconds I jumped up and took my things and said I need to go.

He said wait wait, but I just ran home. (The hotel is next to my house)

He texted me that he’s looking for me everywhere and to text him when I wake up but I didn’t reply.

 

What do I do?

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Get help for your drinking. You are not "A recovering alcoholic" if you are actively drinking still. You are an alcoholic.... even when you stop you will still be an alcoholic that is currently in recovery... but always the title.

 

What do you do: You get yourself into a 12 step programme with like minded people such as Alcoholics Anonymous and you keep yourself away from people like him. He is a bad influence on you as he begs you to drink with him. You don't need friends like that if you are serious about remaining in recovery.

 

What do you do: You don't go to hotel rooms with men that you know are drunk and want to get with you.

 

What do you do: You don't get into cars with people that have been drinking and if someone insists on doing that (he does because he's done it many times before) then you call the cops on them and report them as being drunk and driving. You stop enabling that ridiculously irresponsible behaviour.

 

Are you in some sort of therapy to help you with your addiction and codependency issues at all?

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What do you do?

Stop communicating with him.

I mean, the guy kissed you and you were angry about it -- but yet you still kept seeing this guy.

You keep going for drinks with this guy.

You agreed to go to a hotel with this guy and slow dance.

You lay on the bed with him

Although he does things you do not like, you keep craving his company.

 

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

 

Why do you keep doing things you say you don't want - hanging with someone you don't like??

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You stop communicating with him, period.

 

As someone who studies mental health, I have to say I'm quite surprised you don't seem to recognize the red flags all over this entire situation.

 

I am equally surprised you refer to yourself as a recovering alcoholic but in the same breath tell us about how you drink with this person. What is going on there?

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I forgot to answer your thread title question of "Did he sexually abuse me"

 

That's a question that will cause a lot of debate I'm sure but my opinion is No, he didn't. He foolishly tried it on with someone he thought was a willing participant due to going to the hotel with him instead of going home when she lived next door to the very hotel she went to willing with him who also lay on a bed with him (instead of just going home) and she slow danced with him. He stopped when you got up and he didn't try to stop you when you finally left. If you don't want anything romantic with this man and only, as you say, want to be platonic friends then quit crossing the boundaries of platonic friendship with him. "Boundaries" they will teach you about them in personal therapy and in AA meetings.

 

Please look after yourself and do something to help you respect yourself and to support you in your sobriety.

 

Let the debate begin.

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I wouldn't call that sexual abuse, no.

 

I mean, I am only giving you my opinion. What he did was definitely unwelcomed and he was trying to force an intimate relationship with you. But at the same time you need to be far more stricter with your boundaries.

 

A hotel room is never a good idea unless it 100% is a boyfriend.

 

How he behaved ruined your friendship and I would personally never speak to him again. But as for the rest of it, it wouldn't be anything you could formally charge him with.

 

Both of you need to get help with your drinking.

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You did the right thing leaving as soon as things got out of hand. Delete and block him. Are you planning to press charges for him moving your hand to his erection? Do you plan on continuing to see him or remain friends? All these things factor into whether this was an assault situation or a drunken almost hookup gone bad.

 

Your question is quite loaded and of course this is not a professional law enforcement agency or an attorney consultation nor did you go to an emergency room for objective evidence of your allegation. Your description and many other such situations can be subjective, so it's best for you to reflect on what really happened and what you wish to do with that.

 

You are not "recovering" if you are going out drinking together. Also there's no need to join drunken creeps in their hotel rooms. Focus on getting clean and sober and not dating drunks or creeps. You may consider therapy or support groups if there are a lot of grey areas or issues in your life.

I

I’m a recovering alcoholic and we usually have drinks together. I panicked and after a few seconds I jumped up and took my things and said I need to go.

I just ran home.

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You are a psychology student and an alcoholic who drinks too much. Did you not learn anything in your classes? You sure arent a recovering alcoholic. My brother had a PhD in psychology and he sure never drank like you do. I think you need some serious therapy and to join AA. Stop hanging out with this guy who clearly wants to have sex with you.

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Well, here's my take on it. He's older and you might be feeling your ego boosted because an older guy is paying attention to you. You're on your way to earning your education in a meaningful way and you are an empathetic person. Your background probably played a role in that level of empathy and you're also very naive and trusting and I think your ability to create boundaries and stick to them is somewhat broken/malfunctioning. The overall mix is not so good especially when you're faced with the opposite sex, alcohol and some horniness/sexual chemistry.

 

It could have been this guy, it could have been another friend, it could have been another man or some place else.

 

My opinion - keep working with your therapist if you're seeing someone to help you with your past trauma and creating/sticking to better boundaries.

 

You haven't done anything wrong to anyone but you have not successfully learned how to create boundaries so that your relationships and friendships continue to operate and function in healthy or positive ways for you.

 

Keep in mind not everyone will jive with you either. This person has every right to walk away and not like your boundaries if he doesn't like them. You just need to stick to it and make better decisions for yourself going forward. Resist that ego boost next time and learn to use your empathy for others in more constructive ways (be careful of the influences you bring in). Just because you take psychology, it doesn't mean you can be complacent either and it doesn't make you the queen of all understandings. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and don't dwell on this. Just learn from it.

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What do you? I'd say stay away from someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, yet at the same time you don't seem to have any boundaries.

 

This isn't about whether or not you can trust this guy. Clearly he's proven he isn't interested in your welfare.

 

Your welfare is your job. Learn it.

 

This lesson in this is about becoming a women who trusts herself enough to make stable, mature decisions in her own self care and has the maturity to act on them.

 

Until you do will find yourself in precarious and even risky situations like this.

 

Was he wrong for doing these things? Yes. But why did you keep going back for more, especially when you didn't like it from the start?

 

Sexual abuse?. . this is the first time here I will say this falls in between that grey fuzzy area.

Own your part and don't do it again.

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I came here asking for advice, and not to be berated. I didn’t ask and frankly don’t need to know about your brother’s accomplishments. I did not come to ask for the obvious, e.g my alcoholic issues and mental health disorders. I’ve a psychiatrist for that thanks very much

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Also, I was very angry about that kiss. It happened over 10 months ago. And since then he had apologized over and over, spoken to my bestfriend to convince me to give him a chance. Then he says he had a suicidal attempt, and later even drops a suicidal bomb on me.

In no way do I think I behaved promiscuously. I hung out with him a couple of times because I had forgiven him and given him a chance.

 

I appreciate some of the feedback. The one that was important for me was my problem with boundaries.

And I didn’t have ego boosts. It’s true older men and even younger have fancied me, but I don’t really care as I mentioned above, I’m not interested in sex or relationships at all

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But the thing is Carlee, he and you have different agendas and that's something you need to possibly understand a but more clearer.

 

On the one hand, you want a friend and to possibly help him with his issues. On the other, he wants a romance and likes you in ways you do not.

You could be watching a movie together and smile at him as a friend, and he's going to see it as you giving him hope or a signal that you're starting to come around and like him too.

 

I doubt that will ever change.

 

So to distance yourself from him, really is the only way to stop him from continuing to think you might like him and to also keep yourself safe from anymore encounters you do not want.

 

This is one situation where you can't "fix" him or befriend him.... without him, unfortunately, thinking it means something more than you meant it to.

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Also, I was very angry about that kiss. It happened over 10 months ago. And since then he had apologized over and over, spoken to my bestfriend to convince me to give him a chance. Then he says he had a suicidal attempt, and later even drops a suicidal bomb on me.

In no way do I think I behaved promiscuously. I hung out with him a couple of times because I had forgiven him and given him a chance.

 

I appreciate some of the feedback. The one that was important for me was my problem with boundaries.

And I didn’t have ego boosts. It’s true older men and even younger have fancied me, but I don’t really care as I mentioned above, I’m not interested in sex or relationships at all

 

If you don't like someone as a person, don't feel romantically for them or feel uncomfortable with them, what "chance" do they deserve? You should only want to be with someone you are excited to kiss, not appalled that they tried to kiss you. The only men who "deserve a chance" with you are men that you geuinely feel safe with, and enjoy their company and always look forward to seeing them. And someone you would be proud to be seen with.

 

I think that if you stopped drinking, you would have nothing in common with him.

 

I suggest, like others have said, you get help for your alcoholism. And if someone tells you they will commit suicide - you call the police so they get help. He threatened it to get you to come running to him.

 

If you are going to be a psychologist or counselor or anything in that field, you MUST learn boundaries or you will lose yourself trying to "rescue" everyone

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If you are going to be a psychologist or counselor or anything in that field, you MUST learn boundaries or you will lose yourself trying to "rescue" everyone

 

Absolutely.

 

You can try to help but you can't save everyone. It is not possible. If this man is making it known that he is considering suicide, the best you can do is TELL SOMEONE. Typically the police or a crisis center.

 

That decision very well could save his life as he will then get the help he needs, professional help.

 

But even then, you will have people pass through your life, friends, acquaintances, maybe even clients (if you decide to counsel). And you can do your best to help, but it does not guarantee that you will save them.

 

You need to be okay with that.

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Sounds like poor communication. You thought two drinking friends were going to a hotel room to cuddle and he thought two friends drinking are going to a hotel room for a hookup. You left at the right time. Does your psychiatrist think it was a sexual assault?

I did not come to ask for the obvious, e.g my alcoholic issues and mental health disorders. I’ve a psychiatrist for that thanks very much
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I appreciate some of the feedback. The one that was important for me was my problem with boundaries.

And I didn’t have ego boosts. It’s true older men and even younger have fancied me, but I don’t really care as I mentioned above, I’m not interested in sex or relationships at all

Then stop acting as if you are. You have unfortunately given this man many mixed signals. Your words (I don't want a relationship/sex) are completely different to your actions of following him to a hotel room, lying on his bed, slow dancing, drinking with him... all of which are date-like activities and cross platonic relationship boundaries.

 

You may not have come here "to be chastised" but coddling you would be enabling your naivete and would not be opening your eyes to your own culpability in this situation (and I'm sure many others that have transpired in your life).

 

Please talk to your psychiatrist about the situation and let us know what he/she advises.

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Adding:

In no way do I think I behaved promiscuously.
No one said you did, did they? If they did, I missed it. What some of us have said is that you gave mixed signals. Your words said you only wanted to be a platonic friend, your actions said... If you keep trying, I might just give in.

 

So: Match your actions with your words and it will be very clear that getting with him sexually or romantically is NEVER going to happen and if he wants to discontinue the friendship because of your boundary, then that is up to him. If he wants to continue it then he must respect your boundary or you will end the friendship. A firm boundary not to be crossed by either of you. No crossing platonic friendship boundaries by either of you.

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I have never studied psychology.... maybe i understood you wrongly?

 

Are you Carlee98? Do you have two different user names?

 

Because the OP, Carlee98, wrote this:

" I study as a psychologist and take mental health really seriously so I go back."

 

A male friend of mine told me several times he thinks he and I should "get together". I am not interested in him romantically and don't want to date him. I have visited his home but whenever he suggested I stay overnight (I was visiting from out of state) I do not and go back to my hotel room (alone) instead. He always wanted to give me massages and I always said no. One time I went over to watch a sporting event. I sat on a different couch from him and kept my distance. He asked me if I wanted a massage and I said "no". He kept saying "come on, how can you not want a massage?" And I kept repeating "no". He got up while I was in the bathroom and got a bottle of baby oil and when I came back into the room he instructed me to remove my top, baby oil in hand. I got up and left over his protests. I no longer visit him at his home and he is not welcome in mine.

 

When you know someone is romantically interested in you, it's best to keep your message clear and your boundaries strong.

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