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incredibly in love with her, but don't like her family


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we are dating for 2-3 months now. she is 19, i am 25. i am her first boyfriend, and she is my third.

she is such an amazing and sensitive girl, full of love and empathy, adorable. i cannot stop hugging her and kissing her cheeks and lips. i want all the best for her, and equally she does for me.

i love who she is and we are having a wonderful time together. haven't had a fight never, not even a small one! we have a very good connection and i am very glad of it.

 

the problem is that i have lately met her family and... i simply don't like them. at all. they are very different from her. i really don't care continue the relationship with her since for now she is just my girlfriend so family is not that involved. i wish it would be the best option, but i have one big fear regarding it- what if it will work out between us, and we will not breakup for years? i mean, i absolutely don't see myself marring with her considering that family. breaking up with her at that point before marriage, in a few years from now- will be so so harmful and deceiving! i am super sad writing it but.. i'm afraid it would be better to break up with her now, before its too late... :(

 

how can i do that though?! she will be so shocked and hurt! i cannot be responsible of making this sweet puppy cry, not in front of me, because of me!!

 

what should i do? what should i tell her? how?

 

thank you very much :(

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If you love/like her, her family should be of secondary importance. This isn't always possible, especially when you're younger, but indeed a toxic family can go a long way.

 

I would try telling her about how you feel. See how she reacts, if she's aware and whatnot, then decide what's best for the couple.

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Are you two from a western culture?

 

I ask, as a westerner, because I don't quite understand how someone's family could be that big a hurdle this early. But I'm from a world where you date and marry the person, not where they came from. Just trying to understand your world a bit more, in terms of values.

 

Of course, if your romantic harmony is dependent on liking someone's family then you have an easy, if painful, choice here: you end this, so you can date someone you click with on this critical front for you.

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Family is a huge deal to many - western eastern northern or southern. I used to think the same way and chalk things up to east vs west when I was a lot younger and then life flipped things upside down and taught me that family is important to most people even if there are family members no longer present. The way your partner is is affected by how he/she was raised and there are remnants of that person's family in them. If you don't like elements or parts about her family, you may want to take a good hard look at yourself and see why they irk you so much.

 

Did you have a close knit family in your growing years, for example? You could be sensitive to the relationships around you because you didn't have access to the same level of closeness with family members in the past.

 

What don't you like about her family? This isn't a trap you're walking into by answering this question. I hope it challenges you instead to figure out what it is that's bothering you deep down or making you uncomfortable.

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i cannot be responsible of making this sweet puppy cry,
Say What?

 

Sir: She is a human being and if you (think) you love her then for goodness sakes let her go now before you lead her on with your schmalz and over abundance of kisses to her face O.o Do Not lead her on a moment longer if you don't think you can tolerate her family. When you find a partner, in most cases you also have to be happy with her family so that you don't end up isolating her from them... assuming of course that she loves her folks and is in a healthy family relationship.

 

We are dating for 2-3 months now.
Why are you love bombing her. Do you usually get this dramatically enmeshed that quickly with all of the women you've been with in the getting-to-know-you phase?
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Ok it's only been 10 or so weeks. What don't you like about her family? You're better off ending it and dating more mature experienced girls. You simply tell her it's not working out and set yourselves free. Cut your losses.

we are dating for 2-3 months now. she is 19, i am 25. i am her first boyfriend. the problem is that i have lately met her family and... i simply don't like them. i'm afraid it would be better to break up with her now, before its too late... :(

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You're young enough maybe you don't know about regret too much, I can't think of a bigger set up than the one that got away because you didn't like her family.

Then, on the other hand, maybe she deserves someone who is mature enough to handle this and respect and appreciate her love even if her family sucks.

No, you go on and get on with your ideas of perfection and leave this sweet girl to find someone who isn't a tosser.

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You have every right to question this. You are obviously thinking like an adult (maybe not acting like one lol), when dating you do have to consider their family too if your goal is marriage. The truth is when you marry someone, you also inherit a new family, and I have to agree you definitely need to enjoy having her family as a part of your life no buts about it. Compatibility and expectations are not to be ignored.

It's sad of course that you have to break her heart but TBH you two are just infatuated with each other, and that can be blinding. In a months time, you will be sitting around the dinner table Christmas eve....if that is cringe worthy then you need to get out now.

 

I'm curious tho....what is it you don't like about them??

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we are dating for 2-3 months now. she is 19, i am 25. i am her first boyfriend, and she is my third.

she is such an amazing and sensitive girl, full of love and empathy, adorable. i cannot stop hugging her and kissing her cheeks and lips. i want all the best for her, and equally she does for me.

 

sounds like you don't respect her - you see her as a pouty little doll and not a grown woman. Maybe the family thinks you are a bit of a creeper....

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Answering to all of you guys:

There are many thing that bother me regarding her family.. one of them is that they are impulsive people, dont think much, flow, in-the-moment people. The other thing is that they are lazy. Not hard workers (not talking necessarily only on work-job), and very neglected figuras (fisicly) from what i have seen.

It is very disappointing.

 

What can i tell her then? I am looking for an excuse since telling her the above (or anything) about her family sound much more insaulting then saying something about herself.

Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me. Thats the only excuse i came out with, after thinking quite a lot... :(

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How an earth can you possibly know all that about her family after you have only been dating 2/3 months .

 

This is kinda the same theme as your thread last year , you want to dump the girl after 3 months . ...

 

Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me

 

don't put this on her buddy ..don't you dare make that girl feel worthless ......how about you tell her you are not mature enough for a relationship .

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Answering to all of you guys:

There are many thing that bother me regarding her family.. one of them is that they are impulsive people, dont think much, flow, in-the-moment people. The other thing is that they are lazy. Not hard workers (not talking necessarily only on work-job), and very neglected figuras (fisicly) from what i have seen.

It is very disappointing.

 

What can i tell her then? I am looking for an excuse since telling her the above (or anything) about her family sound much more insaulting then saying something about herself.

Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me. Thats the only excuse i came out with, after thinking quite a lot... :(

 

Is she hard working? Is she too impulsive? I have a friend who's been married over 30 years to a guy who came from a very troubled family/dysfunctional. But, he was the shining star (of many siblings). Yes they had their challenges and struggles as far as her relationship with these inlaws but they both agreed to relocate to another state away from their families (her parents then moved to that state) and they worked it out. I met them a number of times and had issues with them and felt for my friend but she chose love and her commitment to him over issues with his family. They got married in their early 20s, started dating in their teens. It absolutely does not have to be a dealbreaker.

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I think you should go with your gut, Op. You are right in not wanting to subject yourself to a family that you just met and have negatively judged in such a short time after meeting.

 

Both of you are probably better off letting one another go.

 

Just tell her she's a lovely girl that is going to make someone very happy one day and that you respect her too much to let this go on any further when you are feeling that you are incompatible. That you don't want either of you getting any more attached... or just use the age gap if that is what you feel most comfortable with.

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She sounds like she's very close to her family and if you don't like them, it will never work out between you two. Both of you will always argue about her family, your disliking them and she'll feel that you are taking her away from them.

 

In a relationship or marriage, the family is involved because there are family gatherings, reunions, occasions, celebrations and you either have to be a good sport and get along or get out.

 

I know I wouldn't like it if I didn't get along with my in-laws and if my husband didn't like my relatives. Family is everything. Family is extremely important. Blood is thicker than water.

 

You should breakup with her now instead of prolonging this dating relationship with her. It's more hurtful to breakup later than sooner.

 

You have no long term goals with her, no intentions of marrying her due to her family so why drag this out?

 

You confront her by being honest. Tell her that you don't like her family nor will you ever. Then part ways permanently.

 

Don't have her waste her youth on your anymore. It's time to cut her loose so both of you can move on with your lives.

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i think thats what i am going to do. i will tell her that i feel that we are too different from each other, and that it is too much for me. maybe because of the age gap. i believe it is not offending, right?

i won't mention her family at all.

i really really hope she will understand and will not get hurt much, god she is so sweet and such a kind person

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In a relationship, you are dating your partner, not the family. What is required of the family is just to be on good terms with you and be reasonably nice people who treat you well. And don't meddle too much lol They are not required to be XYZ as suited to YOUR expectations. I find it very surprising that you don't like literally everyone in her family and you think they are ALL lazy and impulsive. How can that be that it's all of them? Also you can't like this girl that much if you're only trying to look at negative things about her whole family. You sound snobbish to be honest.

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In a relationship, you are dating your partner, not the family. What is required of the family is just to be on good terms with you and be reasonably nice people who treat you well. And don't meddle too much lol They are not required to be XYZ as suited to YOUR expectations. I find it very surprising that you don't like literally everyone in her family and you think they are ALL lazy and impulsive. How can that be that it's all of them? Also you can't like this girl that much if you're only trying to look at negative things about her whole family. You sound snobbish to be honest.

I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.

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I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.

 

Exactly. I can think of a few people on here that have to deal with miserable family members and it's creating a huge amount of stress in their lives... and there is always an undercurrent of sadness that there is such a rift between important people in their lives.

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I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

 

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.

 

Well, what I meant more so is that if her family are generally nice, they don't meddle and they act respectful, then it's possible to just be polite and get along with them. We all have personal opinions. E.g. the OP thinks the family are too impulsive. For me it would depend in what way that manifests. Let's say someone's mother is impulsive and likes to go on a holiday on a whim or on a shopping spree or whatever. I mean, she can do what she wants. If she doesn't do impulsive things towards my partner and I, e.g. just show up at our door, or ask for money from us because she spent all her money shopping. We might not necessarily like certain qualities in people, but if it doesn't affect us then does it matter that much? Like some beliefs we might have are "snobbish". A guy I used to date is educated and is a teacher, but his father was an electrician, and mother and sister work at a supermarket, and another brother is unemployed. However they are nice and friendly people. So if I wanted my partner's family to be well educated and successful, they are not. But that's just my own prejudice towards them.

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You don't need an excuse. After dating briefly you just tell her it's not working out. When breaking up, never blame the other person, just put down to you.

I am looking for an excuse.

Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me.

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Well, what I meant more so is that if her family are generally nice, they don't meddle and they act respectful, then it's possible to just be polite and get along with them. We all have personal opinions. E.g. the OP thinks the family are too impulsive. For me it would depend in what way that manifests. Let's say someone's mother is impulsive and likes to go on a holiday on a whim or on a shopping spree or whatever. I mean, she can do what she wants. If she doesn't do impulsive things towards my partner and I, e.g. just show up at our door, or ask for money from us because she spent all her money shopping. We might not necessarily like certain qualities in people, but if it doesn't affect us then does it matter that much? Like some beliefs we might have are "snobbish". A guy I used to date is educated and is a teacher, but his father was an electrician, and mother and sister work at a supermarket, and another brother is unemployed. However they are nice and friendly people. So if I wanted my partner's family to be well educated and successful, they are not. But that's just my own prejudice towards them.

 

I see a really important distinction there. It's one thing to want your partner's family to have certain qualities like intelligence, education, a certain type of career, etc and another to be concerned that you simply would never be able to interact with or get along with them because of their personalities, social skills, lifestyle (like if they are big drinkers), or religious beliefs (depending on if those religious beliefs will be pushed onto the new person, etc.). My sense was he was referring to the latter.

 

An anecdote. About 20 years ago my friend who is caucasian fell in love with a woman who was from India -born there, immigrated to the US as a child. They were Hindu, he was Christian. Right before they got engaged, he called me just so upset. He said he was having serious doubts because of the vast cultural and religious differences -he'd spent the day with the family and they'd gone to a Hindu temple to celebrate or pray about (please please excuse my ignorance, I'm not sure about Hindu practice!) the fact that one of the kids had just gotten a brand new bike -something like that. He felt so strange, disoriented, like an outsider. I met her family a number of times. Because I dated my friend's brother. Lovely people (not "because" they weren't from the US originally -just, lovely, the end). Very family oriented and also very traditional "old fashioned" etc.

 

He with doubts married into the family. Yes, it's been challenging for him at times. They accepted him though but he also went to India a number of times (and suffered stomach-wise for it) and did his very best to be part of her family too. I think the take aways were -they have big hearts. They love their daughter and grew to love him and love the grandkids. They give and give and give. So the cultural and religious differences worked out. But my friend had to be really open minded.

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