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Thread: incredibly in love with her, but don't like her family

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    In a relationship, you are dating your partner, not the family. What is required of the family is just to be on good terms with you and be reasonably nice people who treat you well. And don't meddle too much lol They are not required to be XYZ as suited to YOUR expectations. I find it very surprising that you don't like literally everyone in her family and you think they are ALL lazy and impulsive. How can that be that it's all of them? Also you can't like this girl that much if you're only trying to look at negative things about her whole family. You sound snobbish to be honest.
    I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

    Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

    Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.
    Exactly. I can think of a few people on here that have to deal with miserable family members and it's creating a huge amount of stress in their lives... and there is always an undercurrent of sadness that there is such a rift between important people in their lives.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I respectfully disagree. If he clearly sees himself as not being able to be part of her family which means sharing holidays with them, goin on family outings with them, supporting her in her love of them. Then they are fundamentally incompatible and the relationship would more likely than not be wrought with quarrelling as he didn't accompany her on visits/holidays/time with their own children at grandmother/grandfather's home etc.

    Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are in a vacuum with one another.
    Well, what I meant more so is that if her family are generally nice, they don't meddle and they act respectful, then it's possible to just be polite and get along with them. We all have personal opinions. E.g. the OP thinks the family are too impulsive. For me it would depend in what way that manifests. Let's say someone's mother is impulsive and likes to go on a holiday on a whim or on a shopping spree or whatever. I mean, she can do what she wants. If she doesn't do impulsive things towards my partner and I, e.g. just show up at our door, or ask for money from us because she spent all her money shopping. We might not necessarily like certain qualities in people, but if it doesn't affect us then does it matter that much? Like some beliefs we might have are "snobbish". A guy I used to date is educated and is a teacher, but his father was an electrician, and mother and sister work at a supermarket, and another brother is unemployed. However they are nice and friendly people. So if I wanted my partner's family to be well educated and successful, they are not. But that's just my own prejudice towards them.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't need an excuse. After dating briefly you just tell her it's not working out. When breaking up, never blame the other person, just put down to you.
    Originally Posted by AskIt
    I am looking for an excuse.
    Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well, what I meant more so is that if her family are generally nice, they don't meddle and they act respectful, then it's possible to just be polite and get along with them. We all have personal opinions. E.g. the OP thinks the family are too impulsive. For me it would depend in what way that manifests. Let's say someone's mother is impulsive and likes to go on a holiday on a whim or on a shopping spree or whatever. I mean, she can do what she wants. If she doesn't do impulsive things towards my partner and I, e.g. just show up at our door, or ask for money from us because she spent all her money shopping. We might not necessarily like certain qualities in people, but if it doesn't affect us then does it matter that much? Like some beliefs we might have are "snobbish". A guy I used to date is educated and is a teacher, but his father was an electrician, and mother and sister work at a supermarket, and another brother is unemployed. However they are nice and friendly people. So if I wanted my partner's family to be well educated and successful, they are not. But that's just my own prejudice towards them.
    I see a really important distinction there. It's one thing to want your partner's family to have certain qualities like intelligence, education, a certain type of career, etc and another to be concerned that you simply would never be able to interact with or get along with them because of their personalities, social skills, lifestyle (like if they are big drinkers), or religious beliefs (depending on if those religious beliefs will be pushed onto the new person, etc.). My sense was he was referring to the latter.

    An anecdote. About 20 years ago my friend who is caucasian fell in love with a woman who was from India -born there, immigrated to the US as a child. They were Hindu, he was Christian. Right before they got engaged, he called me just so upset. He said he was having serious doubts because of the vast cultural and religious differences -he'd spent the day with the family and they'd gone to a Hindu temple to celebrate or pray about (please please excuse my ignorance, I'm not sure about Hindu practice!) the fact that one of the kids had just gotten a brand new bike -something like that. He felt so strange, disoriented, like an outsider. I met her family a number of times. Because I dated my friend's brother. Lovely people (not "because" they weren't from the US originally -just, lovely, the end). Very family oriented and also very traditional "old fashioned" etc.

    He with doubts married into the family. Yes, it's been challenging for him at times. They accepted him though but he also went to India a number of times (and suffered stomach-wise for it) and did his very best to be part of her family too. I think the take aways were -they have big hearts. They love their daughter and grew to love him and love the grandkids. They give and give and give. So the cultural and religious differences worked out. But my friend had to be really open minded.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yep, just end it and do not insult her/her family in the process. It's irrelevant what your opinion of her family is.
    Originally Posted by AskIt
    But i still dont get it. Why do you guys think that telling her the truth about her family, which is hard and very not nice to hear from someone you love, is better than just saying the general staff that i suggested?
    I mean... Thats okay if someone tells you that you are lovely but not his type. Whereas hearing that your family is impulsive and lazy, and the main cause for someone you love to break up with you, thats much more annoying and frustrating. Doesnt it?

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