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Thread: Starting fresh

  1. #1

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    Starting fresh

    I have been divorced now for 2 months, and separated for almost a year. I have started a new relationship with a friend I had for over a decade and I was pretty excited in the beginning because he knows my situation and accepts me. I worry sometimes that he may think Iím too emotional or judge me based on what Iím dealing with. He doesnít do that but he does want me to get over it quickly. We see each other once a week and I donít see an urgency for him to move in with me one day or want to see me more. It starting off very slow. But Iím independently living and he lives with his family and doesnít really want to leave the comforts of his life. What should I do? Should I wait it out? Or walk away to avoid any kore confusion? Please help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Are you talking too much about your divorce/ex? It sounds like that is his concern. If you are ready to date, focus on the two of you. Talk to a therapist to sort out the aftermath of the demise of your marriage. Do not be rushed and do not let him move in or pressure you.

    In fact reconsider if dating him is just grabbing onto a warm body and an ear to fill a void. Perhaps you need some time off. Was this an affair?
    Originally Posted by Dia28
    I have been divorced now for 2 months. He doesnít do that but he does want me to get over it quickly. We see each other once a week and I donít see an urgency for him to move in with me one day or want to see me more.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    First thing I'd do is take a few deep breaths.

    I'm a little confused about what struck me as a contradiction: you say he "accepts" where you are on one hand but, on the other, that he wants you to "get over it quickly." Get over what, exactly? The fact that you were once married?

    Your "situation" right now is actually simple. You're a single woman, divorced. That might "freak out" a dude, but that would just mean it's not the dude for you. If, on the other hand, it still has you a bit "freaked," it might mean that dating, at least seriously, isn't quite something you're ready for.

    You're a bit all over the map, by the sounds of it. I don't mean that judgmentally, just observationally. If you're moving slowówell, then keep moving slow, enjoying it. You live how you live, he lives how he lives, and the question of how you'd live together is far off. For month 6 or 10, not day 60. That's slow. Doing the mental math you're doing right nowówell, that's fast.

    Sometimes when we're fresh out of something we want to go slow, but can't. Do you think something like that is happening here?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The marriage is over. You're on your own. What are you dealing with and where are your emotions coming from (what's provoking them)? I ask to get a better idea of why you're feeling overwhelmed right now.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Dia28.

    This jumped out at me

    "he lives with his family and doesnít really want to leave the comforts of his life."


    I bet he doesn't!

    You ask: "Should I wait it out!"

    My very brief answer is no.

  7. #6
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    "he knows my situation and accepts me." What the heck that this mean? He accepts you??? You're divorced. OK. End of story. Is he so perfect? There is nothing to accept, OP. You are a human being with emotions and feelings who suffered a loss.

    I also don't like that he doesn't want to leave the comforts of his life. How old is he? Plus, he has no right at all to tell you to get over it quickly! How dare he? If I were you, I don't think I would "accept" him. Moreover, I think you may have started dating a bit too soon. Two months is not enough time for you to properly grieve the demise of your marriage, IMHO. But, that's just me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    2 months is nothing. Give it several more months at least and then evaluate your relationship then.

    If he's too comfortable living at home, then he may never wish to move out. You need to ask him in several months. Or, you can start picking his brain now as you get to know him better.

    Take your relationship slowly.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dia28
    But Iím independently living and he lives with his family and doesnít really want to leave the comforts of his life. What should I do? Should I wait it out? Or walk away to avoid any kore confusion? Please help
    What is it that you're confused about? He's being clear about where he stands. You get to decide whether that's enough for you.

    So what is it, exactly, that you want from a relationship, and do you believe that he's the right guy to give it to you?

  10. #9
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dia28
    I have been divorced now for 2 months, and separated for almost a year. I have started a new relationship with a friend I had for over a decade and I was pretty excited in the beginning because he knows my situation and accepts me. I worry sometimes that he may think Iím too emotional or judge me based on what Iím dealing with. He doesnít do that but he does want me to get over it quickly. We see each other once a week and I donít see an urgency for him to move in with me one day or want to see me more. It starting off very slow. But Iím independently living and he lives with his family and doesnít really want to leave the comforts of his life. What should I do? Should I wait it out? Or walk away to avoid any kore confusion? Please help
    What does that mean, "he lives with his family?" With his wife/ex-wife and kids? With his mom and dad and siblings? If it's the former then he's not available anyway and if it's the latter then he's a child. I would not spend any more effort on him or care if he "accepts" me (what?) and date around. I don't see anything to "wait for" with him.


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