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Thread: Inviting female friend over in the middle of our date!

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Shylight's Avatar
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    Inviting female friend over in the middle of our date!

    So I have been seeing a guy ("Jason (36) "m 31") for about two months now - we have been intimate, and are not under a relationship title, but do regularly see each other, spend the right ect.)

    A few nights ago, I texted him at work asking if wanted to spend the evening with me and he agreed. I brought good food over, and we spent the first few hours enjoying each others company. We were just about ready to go upstairs for cuddling and intimacy - when suddenly out of the blue, his female friend ('Danny') calls....stating that she has had a bad day, and wants to come over and smoke pot.

    Without looking at me, without considering me, without at absolute minimum asking me how I felt about Danny coming over, he invites her over.

    As soon as he got off the phone I very calmly, collectedly explained to him that if she came over I was going to have to leave, not because I didn't like her, but because knowing them, they were going to want to be up until the late hours of the morning talking, drinking, smoking, while I had to get up for work the next morning. He seemed disappointed, but suggested I go upstairs to his bedroom and sleep.

    I ended up hanging around for an hour after she came by, trying to be a good friend and not seem to uptight, but..


    ...as soon as she comes into the house, I am suddenly gone Not literally. He pays 95% of his time and energy focusing on her, talking to her, and barely speaks a word to me. I was the 3rd wheel watching them talk non-stop.

    I immediately excused myself, and went home. I am absolutely disgusted by his behavior. I cannot believe that without even speaking to me, agreed to let her come by, for-fitting our plans. I had hoped to have a relaxing wonderful evening with him - instead, its gets spoiled because his friend wants to come over and smoke pot. I cannot understand for the life of me why he would ever think thats ok. I later explained my feelings to him and he did not apologize for making me feel left out. That he did not realize that I felt left this way.

    He chose spending the night smoking pot with his female friend rather than spending the evening with me. Going as far as interrupting our plans together, dropping them off at a whim when she wants his attention. He said he did not have feelings for her, but based on him choosing her over me, interrupting our plans, and ignoring me as soon as she comes into the room - I honestly do not think I believe him.

    This was a originally what I wrote but got deleted when my browser exited:

    "I had been seeing a guy (36, I’m 31) for approximately 8 weeks or so – we never officially got together, but we were dating and talking all day. Last night, we had planned an evening together, a romantic one with a happy ending, right? So here it is 10:30 at night, and he gets a phone call from his 18-year-old friend who is a drug addict and wanted to come over and smoke pot with him…

    And without asking me how I felt about, with a care in the world, without considering the fact that we were about to got bed – HE INVITES HER OVER!

    And because I knew they were going to be up at all hours, I told him I would have to leave because I had work the next morning. He seemed disappointed but did not call his friend back to tell him time for another day.

    And once she comes over, he completely ignores me. Wont talk to me, barely looks at me – its like I don’t exist. I

    He chose to a spend the night smoking with an 18-year-old pot head with me, despite he and I already having plans, without evening considering my feelings.

    No wonder his ex-girlfriend hated this friend, because the moment she walks into the room – all of his attention is on her. I would not be surprised if I found out he was secretly in love with her."

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh—weird night. Sorry to hear about it all.

    I can spin this plenty of ways, but what is most important is how this has left you feeling: not great, not secure. You know your limits, your needs, your feelings, and so if this is the stuff of do-not-continue—well, there it is. A very unfortunate moment in which you've learned something about the person you're dating (his etiquette, his friendships) that makes continuing to date him impossible. That's kind of what dating is all about, these small steps toward seeing if you can get to a relationship, or not.

    I'm curious: prior to this night what were your thoughts about him? Were you super feeling it all? Or did you have doubts about him—doubts connected to his maturity level, say, or lifestyle, or general attitude about women?

    And wait: He is 36 and she is 18? Did I read that correctly?

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He has clearly shown you how important you are to him, which is to say not important at all.

    While it's true that you haven't discussed an exclusive relationship, it was extremely rude to invite someone over when you were there and then ignore you. I'd say you need to drop this guy like a hot potato.

    Also, why is he hanging out with an 18 year old girl? He's bad news, Chica.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, I hope you're not going to see him again? I suspect that you just wanted to vent as there doesn't seem to be any other choice but to let her have him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It's only 8 weeks and time to consider cutting your losses. Stop hanging out at his place and if he invites other women over, leave as you did.

    This sounds like more than a friend, but you stated you are not exclusive. It also sounds like he has more drug issues than you realize. Is he her sponsor in some sort of recovery group practicing "step 13".. find a drug and f-buddy?

    Time to reflect if someone who pulls bozo moves like this is worth your time or energy.🤡
    Originally Posted by Shylight
    two months now - we have been intimate, and are not under a relationship title, but do regularly see each other, spend the right ect.

    ...as soon as she comes into the house, I am suddenly gone Not literally. He pays 95% of his time and energy focusing on her, talking to her, and barely speaks a word to me. I was the 3rd wheel watching them talk non-stop.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I winced a little reading that. We've all had awkward (very bizarre) dates. I think he likes her because it seems they can chill together. People treat weed differently. Do you smoke it yourself? I'd chalk this up to a bit of differences and a little incompatibility overall. I know you're hurt. Don't hurt yourself anymore if you don't get along or if you don't like his friends.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Shylight's Avatar
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    He denies that there is anything romantic between the two of them - and while I have a hint of suspicion, I do 99% of the time believe hes being honest about the platonic nature of their friendship.

    He explained to me verbatim:

    "Reflecting back, I can see where you are coming from. I didn't intend for you to be in the position you ultimately found yourself in, and for that I apologize. I can't blame you for your decision. If that is how I made you feel then you are right in this. Interestingly enough, I told "Danny" last night after you left that I noticed she is inadvertently causing a negative impact on things, and that it wasn't her necessarily doing it because ultimately my actions are my own. That being said, I don't think you are wrong in what you described last night. I didn't notice it in the moment, but I don't doubt your words.

    I am sorry I put you in that position. Take Care"

    He explained he did not realize how he was making me feel in the moment

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Please tell me that you deleted his number and will never have any contact with him again......

    He showed you where his priorities are, so believe him. By the way, when someone acts like that, trying to educate them on how they made you feel like dirt is pointless. They know and, more importantly, they couldn't care less if they tried. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have acted the way he did. He obviously cares more about this chic than he is willing to admit. I mean he dropped you cold literally on the way to sexy time. That's....just.....I have no words.....

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. It sounds like he's ending things in favor of his drug friends. Don't stick around for the next "inadvertent moment", because someone who has this kind of lack of judgement is not going to change.
    Originally Posted by Shylight
    I told "Danny" last night after you left that I noticed she is inadvertently causing a negative impact on things, and that it wasn't her necessarily doing it because ultimately my actions are my own.
    I am sorry I put you in that position. Take Care"

  11. #10
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    On some level I think he was trying to be a good friend to his friend who had a bad day. However, I got more of a vibe that the pot was more important then you or even her. That would send me packing. This won't be the 1st time he picks party over quiet time with you.

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