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Thread: Inviting female friend over in the middle of our date!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The lesson here is...he values her more than you. He cares more about her feelings than yours.

    It's not going to change.

    It is now up to you whether you decide to accept this or not.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    While I agree with the general arc of DF's post, I'd personally avoid trying to attribute this to his harboring any kind of secret lust or feelings for this woman. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. That's unknowable. What is knowable is that his etiquette really sucked, which now puts you in a position no adult wants to be in.

    You can try to be cool and understanding—hey, humans are all klutzes!—and move forward. But that's kind of now predicated on you "teaching" him to be a little more grown up, which is about as big a buzzkill as there can be in romance. In other words, the most generous read on this—he's a klutz—is still a read that makes him a less-than-fun person to date. That all this revolves around a 36-year-old man toking ganja with a teenager—well, I'm struggling to stick to my preferred mode of language.

    My personal rule is that it's awesome when people show you what kind of klutz they are, which generally starts happening around 2-3 months. I'm sure my girlfriend could describe my inner klutz well, as I could do the same for her. We've both slipped on some banana personal banana peels and clipped the other in the shins. But that stuff—each of us sucking momentarily—does not put much of a hamper on things: doesn't trigger queasy feelings, doesn't corrode the pipes through which respect flows. Helps when the banana peels don't involve bongs and adolescents.

    That's why she's my girlfriend—or part of it—and not a woman I dated for a few months before realizing I couldn't keep dating her. This all sounds like an annoying moment that has put this whole thing into context, as something that has run its course. Bummer, always, but probably not as much of a bummer has having "pot-smoking" and "18-year-old" variables inside any romance of yours, as a 31-year-old woman.

  3. #13
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    I'm so sorry this happened to you!

    So many things:
    -He disregarded you and didn’t even ask if it was ok
    -The age difference obviously
    -She was basically interrupting a date. He should have said no. If a guy I was with interrupted a date I was on to invite another girl (or anyone) over, I’d be upset. Unless it was a true emergency and it was a good friend or sister. But not some chick who “had a bad day” and needed to smoke.
    -How late was it? You said were over there already for a few hours before she came over? I don't like that.

    I’m so so sorry this happened. But at least you know now you can call it a day and move on. I’m not even sure what else to say except to move forward.
    You could say something to him if you really want to, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to say anything. You may only want to say something if he reaches out to you. But don’t go out of your way to reach out to him.
    Last edited by DaisyMayPorter; 11-15-2019 at 02:14 PM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Ummmmm....why is a man in his 30's hanging out with a druggie 18 year old?

    I hope you're sensible enough to block him and find someone better. This guy is a loser with a capital L.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Shylight
    He denies that there is anything romantic between the two of them - and while I have a hint of suspicion, I do 99% of the time believe hes being honest about the platonic nature of their friendship.

    He explained to me verbatim:

    "Reflecting back, I can see where you are coming from. I didn't intend for you to be in the position you ultimately found yourself in, and for that I apologize. I can't blame you for your decision. If that is how I made you feel then you are right in this. Interestingly enough, I told "Danny" last night after you left that I noticed she is inadvertently causing a negative impact on things, and that it wasn't her necessarily doing it because ultimately my actions are my own. That being said, I don't think you are wrong in what you described last night. I didn't notice it in the moment, but I don't doubt your words.

    I am sorry I put you in that position. Take Care"

    He explained he did not realize how he was making me feel in the moment
    It happened... realistically, you can continue beating a dead horse and making yourself feel really bad over this or you can do something about it (forgive and let go and continue to see where this romance goes) or you can break it off respectfully. I think you're angry and that's ok but keep in mind that the longer you stay angry the only person you're hurting is yourself. I also think there's a streak of jealousy there too because of his poor or impaired judgment. Sometimes it pays more to look at the feelings conjured than the actual person. Ie. If you feel so badly, don't put yourself in that situation again.

    You didn't answer the question earlier - curious, do you smoke pot too? If you don't have anything to do with it I think you could re-evaluate your choice in dates better next time.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. What kind of circus is he running? Run, don't look back.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Ummmmm....why is a man in his 30's hanging out with a druggie 18 year old? I hope you're sensible enough to block him and find someone better. This guy is a loser with a capital L.

  8. #17
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    I really don't think it's about the 18 year old. I think it's about the "party" & access to pot.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Shylight
    He denies that there is anything romantic between the two of them - and while I have a hint of suspicion, I do 99% of the time believe hes being honest about the platonic nature of their friendship.



    He explained he did not realize how he was making me feel in the moment
    Then he's an idiot.

    She's not going away and he's not making her. I don't read where he's told her that she can't keep texting out of the blue to come to him and smoke her "troubles" away. He is a grownass man who is entertaining an 18 year old who more than likely THINKS she is in love with him.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm assuming this is the same guy who told you he was test-driving another woman/women before being exclusive with you. That's fine, but what was he thinking by rubbing your nose in it.? Either way this new incident shouldn't come as a surprise as he obviously lacks common sense

    I'd send him packing...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I really don't think it's about the 18 year old
    The fact that it was an 18 year old is a huge factor.

    If it's not his daughter, then somethings wrong with this guy. Hanging out with an 18 year old, smoking pot? How irresponsible can he get?

    A very low grade type of man.

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