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Thread: Dating my ex again

  1. #1

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    Dating my ex again

    Not quite sure what to make of this situation and if I should just walk away...

    So a little backstory, me (27M) and my ex (22F) dated for awhile a year ago. It was a good relationship and we took some trips together which I paid for. But late last year I moved and we decided to break up. We continued to talk, but not as often and we remained friends. She also came to visit one time after the breakup and referred to me as her “bf” on social media, but I wasn’t in the photo.

    Earlier this year she moved back for school. At first, we hung out a bit and I invited her on 2 other trips that I had planned already, which again I paid for since I invited her and bc she’s a good travel partner. We never got back together as bf/gf when she first moved here, but she also mentioned she didn’t want a bf at the time. Although, she was kinda seeing a different, older guy for a few months as well if it makes any difference. Still we would continue to talk a lot and she would come to me if she needed any advice or anything, as “her psychiatrist” she said. But for about 2 months there was almost NC until a few weeks ago when I asked her if she wanted to meet for drinks and get back together.

    However, during the conversation she said that if I wanted to start something again with her, I'd have to make her fall in love with me again. She said that the work is on me bc she's not doing anything extra on her side anymore. This really took me by surprise but I decided to continue seeing her. However I’m starting to have some doubts now.

    We’ve been hanging out but I’ve noticed she never includes me in any of her social media. For example, I’ll take photos of us or just her and she’ll only post ones of her. Just recently, we went to a party together and she had me take a photo of her and a random guy she met there, and yet she posted that one and not any with the two of us.... and just yesterday, she also posted a screenshot of one of her dating apps from a girl (she’s bi) yet she’s been seeing me a lot.

    In a way, I feel like she might be using me, and I didn’t like what felt like an ultimatum, but there’s other times where we really click and everything’s great.

    Any help would be appreciated please, there’s almost these mixed signals here and I can’t make sense of it...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She sounds a bit too immature for you. Why did you move? Why is this so nebulous? So focused on social media? Are you dating like a couple or not? Sounds like she's playing some childish games because she wants an label like bf/gf. Are you dating, fwb, just friends?
    Originally Posted by MBMermen
    me (27M) and my ex (22F) dated for awhile a year ago. last year I moved and we decided to break up.

    Earlier this year she moved back for school. she said that if I wanted to start something again with her, I'd have to make her fall in love with me again.

    we went to a party together and she had me take a photo of her and a random guy she met there, and yet she posted that one and not any with the two of us.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She sounds a bit too immature for you.
    Agree with this, and everything else Wiseman said.

    I get that this is a tough moment, and I'm sorry for that, but it sounds like you've slipped a bit into an adolescent dynamic with her. This happens, at all ages, for many reasons. What it doesn't do is un-happen, at least with the same two people, best I can tell.

    The record scratch you felt when she presented her terms—I do nothing, you do everything—was your gut clearly seeing this for what it was: a bad idea. "Love" is not a currency, or a game. You don't "earn" it, "play" for it. You don't go into "love debt" and then try to pay it back with—especially not through social media bombing. She hasn't learned this yet, and if you make her your love professor you may find yourself forming some bad habits romantically. You know, like trying to earn love by photographing her with another dude for SnapChat or whatever.

    Sounds like this whole thing has been kind of "young and fun." Maybe you needed that for a stretch. Chill person, good travel partner, no real sense of what it all is. Those can be beautiful, but that beauty often has a shelf life: more like a flower than a plant. It blossoms, wind comes, seasons change, and the pedals disperse. Guess I'm saying that perhaps the season of this romance has passed.

  4. #4
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    Wait, so are you together or just “hanging out” as you said? It sounds like she thinks you are just “hanging out”/friends, because of her posting pictures and hanging out with other people. She sounds very immature, and has too many people in her life – you, random guys, random girls from dating apps… She sounds like she is playing a game, whether she is doing it on purpose or is just immature, I’m not sure.

    Is she really worth you trying to win her love? She doesn’t sound that great to me. If you are really asking if you should walk away, you should.

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  6. #5

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    Sorry for the lack of facts. I didn’t want to go into too much detail by writing too much. But basically I moved because of a work opportunity and at the time we didn’t want to do the LDR. We are dating now, she even mentioned it on her social media the other day but without actually sharing my name, just saying “my boyfriend”.

    With the social media, she likes to keep it more about herself, yet when she posted the photo that I took of her and the random instead of a photo of us, I have to say it did bother me. She’s told me it’s because she doesn’t want to make public the relationship... yet last year she used to post photos of us. And as far as the screenshot of her and another girl, I haven’t asked her about it, but again it makes me a little uncomfortable, as though she’s not all-in with me.

    I guess my biggest concern was how she basically told me I was responsible for making her fall in love with me again, and that it was on me to make it happen. And I still haven’t been able to get past it, even though we’ve had some great dates so far. I see it as a red flag and can’t help but feel that she set this criteria for me before I was able to date her. It just didn’t sit right and I understand where you are all coming from. Unfortunately, now I feel that bc of this, our relationship has started a little rocky and maybe I made a mistake. She can be immature too and this is another example of it :(

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    In these moments I go to my "gun to head" question. In short: I put a gun to your head, ask you if you genuinely think there's anything substantial here, and what do you say? Yes or no only. If yes, great—isolate what that is, keep hanging on, and see if it blossoms. Now, you can answer "no" and not pull out. You just have to hold yourself accountable about why you're not. Best sex ever? Visions of lonely travels? A weird desire to get back on social media? Find the answer to that, then you exhale. Mystery solved. Half the time when you solve the mystery the whole thing loses its flavor anyway.

    In her brain she turns 25 in a million years, while you're turning 30 tomorrow. That is a real gap. A maturity gap, if you will. The hard part about trying to bridge that, from either side, is that the very bridging is kind of immature: it's trying to grow into a false shape, either bigger or smaller than you actually are, so to speak. I can't help but feel that's happening here. Check yourself really quick: you are, right now, trying to "make someone fall in love with you" and you're measuring that on platforms that are making some dudes barely older than you a billion dollars.

    Is that the kind of love you want right now?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You know her better than we do, and you know your own feeling about her, and we don't. So you get to decide whether to consider her remark to be her way of ensuring that you won't take her for granted, and then just enjoy your time with her from there, OR, whether you see her as a manipulator who isn't going to invest in you no matter what you do.

    We can't know this stuff, but you have the insights we don't. So use them. Decide whether she's worth sticking around for, or whether she's just become some prize you want to win, but if you strip that down, you're not all that sure how you really feel about her anyway.

    You're the holder of this information, so use it to your advantage and decide what YOU want. Once you're clear with yourself about that, you can operate in your own best interests.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like she's making you jump through hoops because of the past. What kind of nonsense is holding you responsible for how she feels? Ask her what this cliche means, specifically.
    Originally Posted by MBMermen
    I moved because of a work opportunity and at the time we didn’t want to do the LDR.
    I guess my biggest concern was how she basically told me I was responsible for making her fall in love with me again, and that it was on me to make it happen.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    This is the problem with getting back together with an ex. Or I should say, one of the major problems with getting back with an ex.

    There's all this past history and maybe some hurt feelings. She said she's not putting in any work and that kind of makes it seem like she did a lot of work in the past and didn't feel valued. That might not be true. As others have said, maybe she's immature.

    But you're also feeling very vulnerable and insecure, questioning her social media posts. I think what you guys really need is a good sit down and talk about what you're actually doing, how you actually feel and what you want out of this Getting Back Together situation.

    That's the only way you're really going to know. Trying to read signs that, maybe a little more obvious in a first go-round with someone, is really difficult in a back together situation. too much cloak and dagger....

    You may not want to hear what she says and you may find you're not on the same page. And it totally sucks, but its the only way to know for sure. or at least to decide if you trust her enough to believe her and she you. And then a decision to be made.

    Good luck!


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