Who do I choose?

[ninjabib]

I hope, and believe, that everything will improve for you all but I think you may have to walk separate paths for that to happen.

I really liked your last response. It was very introspective and I think thats where you need to be rather than looking to another guy. The answers to your problems will come from within yourself not anybody else.

When you suffered the tragic loss of your father I think your current partner filled that void and as times gone on you feel like you've lost your current partner and turned to someone else to fill that void.

As i say though, your lover strikes me as an opportunist. I don't think he can offer you what you perhaps feel he can. Obviously I don't know him but from a pair of outside and neutral eyes he does not sound like a catch regardless of how alpha he is.

With professional help there's no doubt in my mind that you will recover from this situation and become a better person for it but it won't be quick and it won't be easy but it sounds to me like you are aware of that and as someone else said putting your hands up and admitting to needing help is the hardest part of the battle so the goods news is you have already overcome the hardest part!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Do you both work? Do you live from his disability? Is your daughters condition genetic? Have you read "Lady Chatterley's Lover"? It didn't end well. Hope you decide what is best for everyone involved including your children.

he’s scared to move back in with his parents. I would happily see him everyday but ‘lover’ doesn’t like this. He’s accepting that my partner is my girls father but wouldn’t cope with us meeting up regularly.

[catfeeder]

I'd ditch the toxic lover and contact social services for a case worker to obtain every avenue of available help for my family, including counseling for me. From there, if I want to leave my marriage I'd be on a much more stable platform for doing so.

[j.man]

Sounds like his disability checks stopped being worth it. Time to stop beating around the bush. Your "partner" couldn't carry a car seat out of the hospital. Obviously you "having to be the man" didn't come out of left field. Turns out you've got a conscience and having a disabled man at home for income stability while getting your romantic itches scratched on the side is easier said than done. Though honestly, I wounder big an issue would this be for you if your "lover" was perfectly fine staying to the side.

Time to dig in and do some research on how best to provide for your daughter while conducting yourself decently, most likely without remaining with a man you've got no respect for.

[Rose Mosse]

But I am afraid of being alone and left behind by life. I think that’s why I’m clinging to them both like a life raft. I was left alone at 18 (my mum was living elsewhere) and my much older siblings were absent- and I’m absolutely terrified of getting stuck there again with two beautiful little girls in tow.

Collect your thoughts, take your time, plan things out, make connections and find support in healthy and positive ways through others who have walked the same road or are in a similar position. This starts with associating with people who are more like you (parents or mothers). I think you've devoted a lot of your time to your family and forgotten yourself (not unusual for parents).

[LaHermes]

"My lover’ is passionate and attentive, but also controlling and can be cold and passive-aggressive. I was excited to be facing a real life, but also feeling sick to my stomach with guilt and sadness for my current partner.
I don’t want to get lonely.
I can’t trust him. My ‘lover’ is currently unemployed as he has his daughter."


OP. I would urge you to re-read your original post. I took a few excerpts from it for you to ponder upon.

I honestly cannot see anything either exciting or real life about your contemplated future with "lover".

Aside from anything else he is unemployed and will be living with his parents. I assume this lover is well over 30? Yes?

I cannot for the life of me see what possible advantages or indeed security the "lover" could offer you.

To add:

"I am afraid of being alone and left behind by life."

That fear is paralysing and counter-productive. Fear is a shockingly bad advisor.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you so much for your replies. Of course, choosing myself is the sensible option and I definitely agree that I need therapy. I’ve actually requested the first session for my birthday present from my family. (How sad is that! Lol.)

So I think I may have painted the situation very black and white, however, your advice still stands as the conclusion I’m afraid to consider but is the only real option ultimately. I agree but I’m afraid.

My ‘lover’ is filled with guilt because my partner is also his friend and he cannot continue to lie to him. (He won’t tell him about the past 3 years, but after about a year, he wants us to be known to the world.)

He is also guilt-filled for putting the ultimatum out there. He said he was fairly certain I wouldn’t choose him, but he couldn’t continue with the limbo. He said if I chose to be without him, he needed to cut me from his life completely. This scares me because it sends me spiralling (weak, I know) and I have to suffer in silence (I deserve this, I know) but it is torture. I am also bonded with his daughter. As are my children. And his daughter is due to attend the same preschool as my youngest.

Anyway, thank you again for your advice. It means a lot to me. For 3 years I have told no one about this and it feels good to discuss it.

Hazza: Shelve your fear for now. Once you are in therapy and getting guidance and new boundaries learned and how important it is for you to self care, you will gain confidence and you will be able to do what is best for you and your children which at the very least, means not hooking your lifestar to your "lover." Once you are on your own, have things organised, your children are in a stable environment and you all are adjusting to the New Normal... you won't be afraid. So: Take things one day at a time and stay where you are for now as you work through to being the new you. Tell Mr. Lover that you are letting him go as you re-establish are relationship with yourself. Look after your inner child (google that and read what it means) for now. Your children want you to be happy and confident and they will be too.

I'm going with, choose your children. Less exciting, I know, but they really ought not be exposed to this turmoil.

First choose YOU, Hazza. Then you will be the best to look after your kids as a single mother. Even on a plane the Air Hostess will tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on your children because if you pass out, you'll be zero help to them.

All the best to you.