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Thread: He keeps repeating his kids are number 1

  1. #1

    He keeps repeating his kids are number 1

    I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. Iíve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids. I am ok with that but after he repeated how his kids are number 1 several times I got turned off and it made me feel worthless . I feel like I donít see future with him when his future are his kids. I want a partner I can build a future with together , buy a house. I feel he will do all this but mainly for his kids. I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me. I cancelled our date tonight and donít feel like seeing him again. I never dated anyone with kids. Can someone give me advice about this..??? Am I overreacting?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I suggest you date men without children if you feel "worthless" and don't understand that a person's children SHOULD come first over someone they have only been dating a few months.

    Just don't see him again and you'll both be better off. If you feel investing in a future with him will be bad investment for you then don't invest... it's that simple.

  3. #3
    That doesnít sound like an advice but a bunch of judgemental statements coming from someone that got severely irritated by my question. Iím assuming you have kids?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can you provide a bit more context?

    Like, how is this coming up? Are you suggesting something funónext weekend, next monthóand is he saying, "Look, my kids are number one!" Are you trying to get him to express his feelings about you and is he saying, "My kids will always be number one." Or is it something he says from time to time, in conversation, in terms of explaining himself, his life, and what he needs from a relationship?

    All in all, I think dating someone with kids means...well, that you kind of have to like the idea of dating someone with kids. That's going to be different from person to personódifferent kids, different co-parenting arrangements, different approaches to parenthood, different peopleóbut one thing that is constant, at least if we're dealing with sane and healthy adults, is that the kids are their number one.

    Whereas you are a new adult in their life, capable of existing on your own, those kids are their literal lifeblood: small human beings that they are responsible for guiding into adults. In a vacuum I think you have to not just be "okay" with that, but think it's awesome. You should be pretty into someone emphasizing that their kids are number one, in short, because it's basically them telling you that they are an awesome person.

    It's not for everyone. I'd say that your feeling "worthless" is kind of a bad sign in and of itself. Not an ideal sensation in any romance, and especially icky if any part of your brain is wanting "more" than you're getting from him because his kids are getting it. It just can't be like that in this situation. And if for some reason your visions of a future are already tarnished while including children in themówell, that's an obvious problem, since any future he's envisioning is always going to take his kids into account.

    Personally, I don't really want to be anyone's "number 1," because I don't think about human relationships quite like that. My girlfriend has a kid. I don't feel like "number 2." I am her only romantic partner, her kid is her kid. Totally different worlds, not a competition. I could say more but, all in all, I just kind of like it. I love the way she lives her life, and a gigantic part of that is being a mom.

    Are you overreacting? I'd say yes and no. Yes, in the sense that you seem to think you are somehow supposed to have more or even weight than his children, after only knowing him a few months. No, in the sense that your reaction is your truth, and that truth may mean that you need more singular attention than someone with children can provide, or perhaps just more attention and affection than this specific man can provide. Would need to know more context about him, about how you two operate, to have a better sense of all that.

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  6. #5
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    Of course his kids should be the number 1 priority, but why do you say he keeps repeating it? Are you guys arguing about it or something? Why does it make you feel worthless?

  7. #6
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    Dating anyone who repeats himself over and over is a complete turn off. Yeah, his kids come first. Mine, too. But I don't beat their step-father over the head with it. And, guess what? Sometimes HE IS my top priority. My kids get that, too.

    Dump him.

  8. #7
    Well I feel like I have heard that statement so many times and I canít understand why someone would keep repeating it over and over. Why does there even have to be a numbering system? I was little confused first time he said that. We donít argue. But why would someone even have to say that? After I heard it few times I started feeling like Iím imposing. Me feeling worthless , comes from me not understanding what to do with that information. Wouldnít it then be better if he wouldnít date at all so all his focus can be on kids.? Iíve just never been in this situation and donít know what to think of it.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I would think much less of him if his kids were not his #1 priority. Being a good Father should tell you quite a bit about his character.

    Why not try to look at this in a different light?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    His kids should and will come first especially when they are young. You dont have kids so you dont understand, and you arent expected to understand. Why he keeps repeating himself, you need to ask him that. Are you pushing for more than he's prepared to give and he's pointing out where his priorities are at this moment in time? If you cant handle not being #1 in his life, you best move on and find a guy with no kids as what this guy is doing and saying is perfectly normal

  11. #10
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    Before I was a mother I knew kids should come first. It's one reason why I only dated someone who had a child once for a very short time (when we met his ex girlfriend was pregnant!). I feel the same way now that I'm a mother. I think he keeps saying it because he senses that from what you say you don't quite get it. I'd be annoyed if someone kept repeating it as well. That's just bad manners on his part. Maybe he assumes you don't get it because you don't have a child but that's not fair - many people can "get it".

    My family comes first in many many ways. If I were single with a child my child would come first as far as who I chose to date and involve in his life (eventually). My husband and I put our son first ahead of our comfort/convenience for example alllll the time. But people of course can be committed to a partner and also put their child first (assuming the partner is not the mother -if the partner is the mother the dynamic typically is different).

    Also do you want to be a stepmother and put his kids first once you are in that role?

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