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He keeps repeating his kids are number 1


Starship44

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I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. I’ve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids. I am ok with that but after he repeated how his kids are number 1 several times I got turned off and it made me feel worthless . I feel like I don’t see future with him when his future are his kids. I want a partner I can build a future with together , buy a house. I feel he will do all this but mainly for his kids. I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me. I cancelled our date tonight and don’t feel like seeing him again. I never dated anyone with kids. Can someone give me advice about this..??? Am I overreacting?

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I suggest you date men without children if you feel "worthless" and don't understand that a person's children SHOULD come first over someone they have only been dating a few months.

 

Just don't see him again and you'll both be better off. If you feel investing in a future with him will be bad investment for you then don't invest... it's that simple.

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Can you provide a bit more context?

 

Like, how is this coming up? Are you suggesting something fun—next weekend, next month—and is he saying, "Look, my kids are number one!" Are you trying to get him to express his feelings about you and is he saying, "My kids will always be number one." Or is it something he says from time to time, in conversation, in terms of explaining himself, his life, and what he needs from a relationship?

 

All in all, I think dating someone with kids means...well, that you kind of have to like the idea of dating someone with kids. That's going to be different from person to person—different kids, different co-parenting arrangements, different approaches to parenthood, different people—but one thing that is constant, at least if we're dealing with sane and healthy adults, is that the kids are their number one.

 

Whereas you are a new adult in their life, capable of existing on your own, those kids are their literal lifeblood: small human beings that they are responsible for guiding into adults. In a vacuum I think you have to not just be "okay" with that, but think it's awesome. You should be pretty into someone emphasizing that their kids are number one, in short, because it's basically them telling you that they are an awesome person.

 

It's not for everyone. I'd say that your feeling "worthless" is kind of a bad sign in and of itself. Not an ideal sensation in any romance, and especially icky if any part of your brain is wanting "more" than you're getting from him because his kids are getting it. It just can't be like that in this situation. And if for some reason your visions of a future are already tarnished while including children in them—well, that's an obvious problem, since any future he's envisioning is always going to take his kids into account.

 

Personally, I don't really want to be anyone's "number 1," because I don't think about human relationships quite like that. My girlfriend has a kid. I don't feel like "number 2." I am her only romantic partner, her kid is her kid. Totally different worlds, not a competition. I could say more but, all in all, I just kind of like it. I love the way she lives her life, and a gigantic part of that is being a mom.

 

Are you overreacting? I'd say yes and no. Yes, in the sense that you seem to think you are somehow supposed to have more or even weight than his children, after only knowing him a few months. No, in the sense that your reaction is your truth, and that truth may mean that you need more singular attention than someone with children can provide, or perhaps just more attention and affection than this specific man can provide. Would need to know more context about him, about how you two operate, to have a better sense of all that.

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Well I feel like I have heard that statement so many times and I can’t understand why someone would keep repeating it over and over. Why does there even have to be a numbering system? I was little confused first time he said that. We don’t argue. But why would someone even have to say that? After I heard it few times I started feeling like I’m imposing. Me feeling worthless , comes from me not understanding what to do with that information. Wouldn’t it then be better if he wouldn’t date at all so all his focus can be on kids.? I’ve just never been in this situation and don’t know what to think of it.

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His kids should and will come first especially when they are young. You dont have kids so you dont understand, and you arent expected to understand. Why he keeps repeating himself, you need to ask him that. Are you pushing for more than he's prepared to give and he's pointing out where his priorities are at this moment in time? If you cant handle not being #1 in his life, you best move on and find a guy with no kids as what this guy is doing and saying is perfectly normal

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Before I was a mother I knew kids should come first. It's one reason why I only dated someone who had a child once for a very short time (when we met his ex girlfriend was pregnant!). I feel the same way now that I'm a mother. I think he keeps saying it because he senses that from what you say you don't quite get it. I'd be annoyed if someone kept repeating it as well. That's just bad manners on his part. Maybe he assumes you don't get it because you don't have a child but that's not fair - many people can "get it".

 

My family comes first in many many ways. If I were single with a child my child would come first as far as who I chose to date and involve in his life (eventually). My husband and I put our son first ahead of our comfort/convenience for example alllll the time. But people of course can be committed to a partner and also put their child first (assuming the partner is not the mother -if the partner is the mother the dynamic typically is different).

 

Also do you want to be a stepmother and put his kids first once you are in that role?

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It's still just hard for me to understand the context. Care to give a bit more?

 

My brain is jumping to two places. One goes: he is a little skittish, just getting back out there, and so, as people do, he's asserting boundaries in a clumsy way that is coming off aggressive. Another goes: you are a little insecure by nature, needy, and so he finds himself "repeating" himself to provide some context of what are some very real, very firm parameters of his life that he does not trust you understand.

 

And, in ways, it might not matter. Early dating should be more fun than complicated—kids or no kids—and this is sounding awfully tortuous, almost like you each want something from the other that is not in either of your repertoires to provide. Have you guys had any calm, warm talks about what you both want, how he feels about dating with children, and so on?

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That doesn’t sound like an advice but a bunch of judgemental statements coming from someone that got severely irritated by my question. I’m assuming you have kids?

You are assuming a lot more then that I have kids. Your opening statement was sounding very judgemental of the man you are dating for being a good father that makes sure his kids come first over a woman he has only briefly dated.

 

I also think more context is needed then what you've provided. Does he repeat that after you've pushed for more from him or does he just blurt it out? What are you asking of him that compels him to hammer it home to you.

 

Bottom line here is that if you feel worthless because of the way he is with you, then don't be with him. It really is that simple.

 

Wouldn’t it then be better if he wouldn’t date at all so all his focus can be on kids.?
Not necessarily. He just needs to find a woman that understands that when you have children, their needs come first when you've only been dating a short while. Perhaps he's just wants to date casually and has yet to be honest with you about that? Yes, more context regarding the dynamics of your union would make so there is less conjecturing and guessing as to why he says what he says.
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No judgement here. You two are on two different planes. It’s possible he isn’t ready to build a life with anyone at this time and his main focus is his kids. That’s his choice and it’s not good or bad, just where he’s at. You on the other hand want to build a future, share life together as a unit. This why we date....to discover if they fulfill our expectations, have the same goals, and are a good fit. You have found out his goal in life is making his kids his first and utmost priority. That doesn’t work for you and there’s nothing wrong with how you feel. 2 months of dating is hardly an investment so it would be best to part ways and find someone who doesn’t make you feel worthless.

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It sounds like he's feels guilty about something or the both of you aren't picking up what the other is putting down. Your vibes together are wrong.

 

If he's chatting and excited, for example, and telling you about what one of his kids just did the other day and you casually switched the topic without responding, that's a subtle cue to the other party that you're not on the same page. This is just an example, like I said. In this kind of example, the other person might feel the need to overemphasize their "number 1" priority because the listener in this case is not really paying attention to the excitement in his voice or how excited he is as a parent or validating that part of the conversation.

 

Sometimes wires get crossed and people aren't great listeners either. Maybe it's the time of day and it's late, maybe you're both in a hurry or maybe neither of you really have time to date or one less so than the other. That is ok but ultimately it does add up to your chemistry and your vibe together.

 

Also, someone else might have brushed off the part that he's a dad. Do you know much about his dating history or his past? He may be carrying a chip on his shoulder from a previous experience.

 

You are perfectly entitled not to date or want to date someone with kids. That's your prerogative.

 

It sounds like you're turned off and annoyed already. I'd say slow down asap. You've cancelled the date. Ok, that means that you have time to think and gather your thoughts. Hopefully you didn't tell him what a lousy lump of coal he is as a partner in the process and were tactful about it. Give yourself some breathing room and think things through again. When you feel better later this week or on the weekend, revisit the thoughts and make a clearer decision. You are not obligated to date him at all but for your own sake, come up with a better reasoning than "that sucked". It'll help you move forwards and streamline your ideas about what you think is good for you in terms of an ideal partner as you meet new people down the line.

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Imo, you should break up. The first six months of a relationship are meant to be a happy phase NOT a power struggle. If you feel "turned off" at two months where you are both supposed to be on your best behaviour, imagine in two years...

 

He may be feeling guilty about dating for whatever reason and taking it out/projecting on you or you may have self-esteem issues making you feel insecure. Either way, it sounds like one of you (or both of you) are not in the right headspace for a relationship between the two of you to work. If it has become such a drag at merely two months, imo it's not worth continuing.

 

Imo, if dating someone with kids feels like making a concession/ being put "second" then that's not a relationship worth fighting for. Kids are meant to come first in a parent's but in the same time a successful relationship is one where both partners are in tune about it. Otherwise, you have every right to opt out.

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The fact that he keeps reiterating his children come first apparently unprovoked is incredibly peculiar.

 

Are you sure you aren’t doing anything to inadvertently place yourself in an adversarial role?

 

Dig deep, be honest with yourself.

 

If it’s all him, girl run, while children always come first, it’s a given not something to be stated over and over again, that’s super offputting.

 

But that’s an it a BIG IF, because if it turns out it’s your own insecurities or impression and not reality, you could potentially be letting a nice guy go. Dating a parent. You don’t want the type who abandoned their children cause guess what? You don’t want to procreate with someone who values poontang more than their kids anyway.

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When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second. She probably never even remembered saying that, but at the time it hurt. But now I understand. In the old days the husband and wife were suppose to be a UNIT....Then the children. You made a happy couple....first dating...then future. Then the happy UNIT make the kid a priority...after the Husband/wife unit. If that makes sense. The children will be happy cuz they have happy parents.

 

I read a book once...and it was like a spoke of a wheel. The relationship the hub. The kids the spokes. The friends further out spokes. So then as an adult, and I found out some families put the children first...before the husband/wife unit I was confused. I had dated a guy in my 50's and I thought we were to be married. I drove 4 hours to see him for 3 years, and lived in his house for 5 days at a time. His adult children were jealous of me before they even met me, because I was taking time with their dad...that HAD been for them. They told me, we were here first, we will always come first. I tried to explain to them like Blue said ….YOU ARE FIRST...as his children. I am first as a 'relationship' person. They got mad at me one time cuz I sent him a letter and on the back I said something like, from our little family, C and pup. Like the dog was our kid. That pissed them off to no end.

 

Then the guy I just got done dating for 6 years, I ALWAYS knew his kids came before me....no contest. One time years ago, I went to his house. We were suppose to go out to a park and walk. His daughter (adult) had stopped by with some friends. I waited for a while until it was getting close to dark. I said....are we going to the park??? Made HIM mad. After his daughter left, I was trying to do damage control and be all nice...and he said...MY KIDS will ALWAYS come first.

 

NOW you see...if I would have made plans with my SO and my adult son would have stopped over...I would have said...Oh SO and I are leaving in half an hours, we have plans. I have...and done that many times. I never kicked the bf to the curb, because the "kids" wanted something.

 

Now if I had little kids....of course they would need their parent. I stayed married just to raise mine. Even tho I couldn't stand the father.

 

But I understand the OP when she's feeling way down at the bottom of the Totem pole....especially if she was looking into long term But a few months isn't suppose to be this hard. On dating sites, I have read a few that said, My kids are my priority and always will be.

 

And I skip them.

 

So. My feelings are. Kids should be priority/No. 1....as his kids.

You should be a priority/No. 1 as the primary relationship. The book I read called the 'primary' relationship....the 'couple' relationship.

 

Kids grow up. The get married. Then they make their husband/wife/kids THEIR priority. It's certainly not the 'dad/mom'.....that's a priority. And it shouldn't be.

 

I hope all this rambling has made sense. I had talked this same scenario over and over with my customers(friends) and they were spit. Funny, the woman i'm thinking of who thought the kids should be first, was divorced. The woman who thought the spouse should come first...has been married for 50 years....lol

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It is perfectly normal to not be okay about playing mother to another woman's child. You do not have to feel guilty about it. But you are coming across very defensive about the issue and it looks rather insecure to be so threatened by a child. Of course a decent father (which you should want in a partner) will put his child ahead of all else, especially when they are young.

 

As for why he keeps repeating it... maybe he was fishing for assurance from you that you are okay with it, maybe he wants you to understand that he is looking for a mother for his children.

 

In any case, the incompatibility here looks obvious.

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Of course his kids will always take top priority in his life. However, he doesn't have to continue reminding you of this. I'm a mother and my sons' welfare will always be tantamount before my own.

 

He's reminding you that you'll always have to share him and same thing with money. His kids will always come first and you are secondary or less. In a way, it's good that he's giving you fair warning ahead of time. There will be no surprises.

 

I agree with others, date a man who doesn't have baggage. You're better off dating a man who is childless.

 

When I was dating my husband, kids were not even on my radar let alone ever even considering dating a father. No way! It was out of the question.

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You know this feels like this is his insecurity or he has had a bad experience and keeps saying it because it was lost on his g/friend before you . It could be guilt from not been in the family home day after day ....so he wants the workd to know ...his kids are first ...he is not an absent dad , his kids are first .. he truly loves his kids , they are first ...etc etc etc

 

If you want to give this another go you need to have an honest chat with .....that he doesn't need to keep saying it , that although you havent got children ( which might also be why he is saying it ) you get it .... no need for war and peace to be read to you every time you meet .

 

But if you are done , please tell him straight ..( no ghosting )

 

Either way , his time , his life , his money , his priority will always be going their way and you could cut your losses and start afresh with someone who hasn't had them so you are on the same page .

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I feel investing into future with this guy will be bad investment for me. I cancelled our date tonight and don’t feel like seeing him again. I never dated anyone with kids. Can someone give me advice about this..??? Am I overreacting?

 

We're each the best estimator of our own love lives, so nobody else's vote counts. It doesn't make you a villain to want to date someone childless. Trust your gut and do that.

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I think that for him to constantly have to reiterate this is a little red-flaggy. Who is he trying to convince if he has this constant mantra? And it really feels like this could be his way to keep you shut out...you'll do for now, but he has this built-in "excuse" when he wants to do other stuff and doesn't want you part of it, whether it's friends or being alone, or he decides he wants to move on. He quite possibly does not see you as long-term material, and his kids are the easy way to keep you separate.

 

Though I do question if his repeated mantra has to do with your own insecurities or your inability to grasp that the children really are his number one priority. You haven't been going out for very long, and you really aren't in that phase of building the unit or the hub, as one of the other posters mentioned. Do you get upset when he has other obligations, especially when the kids are involved or he's had to move things around to accommodate them? Are you expecting him to have a high level of flexibility or hire a sitter on his only couple free days with the kids on his weekends or he has to end the date early? Are you setting off warning bells for him that he has to constantly remind you?

 

It's hard to say where he's coming from based on your descriptions, but I do think you need to think long and hard if this is something you wish to pursue. At some point, as your relationship strengthens, you'll meet the children and do things together, which means more time with him, but how long do you wait, and will his priority shift a little in your direction (building that foundation)? Also keep in mind, long-term, you will be taking on a stepparent role and these children should be your priority too, as well as any future children you may produce. Two months in, maybe you two aren't really good together, or maybe he's not putting effort into you the way he should. I mean, a dating parent still needs to put some time and effort into their love interest, not just sandwich them in here and there with constant reminders where their "place" is. I do understand where you're coming from. I dating a highly involved father, and this was good; I truly appreciated it, but I just found that repeatedly, I was never really the number one priority (when the kids were at their mom's or they had plans like slumber parties or out with friends), and while I fought it (I really fell for this guy), it was eventually obvious he really just wanted a filler here and there, but us as a couple was not going to happen.

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It's only been a few months and you may want to consider if he is compatible or worth dating. It would be best to cut your losses, your goals are entirely different and incompatible. Your "worth" has nothing to do with him, semantics or anyone else you date. Try to clear up that issue in yourself.

 

In a word...Guilt. Sounds like a mantra he says to himself for his kid's mother, friends, family and courts. It has nothing to do with you. How long is he apart from his kids/their mother? You're not "ok with it" so be honest with yourself and him and call it off.

I met this guy and we have been dating for a few months now. I’ve never dated anyone with kids before but it seems like his focus nr 1 are his kids. I am ok with that but after he repeated how his kids are number 1 several times I got turned off and it made me feel worthless.
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