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Thread: He keeps repeating his kids are number 1

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's still just hard for me to understand the context. Care to give a bit more?

    My brain is jumping to two places. One goes: he is a little skittish, just getting back out there, and so, as people do, he's asserting boundaries in a clumsy way that is coming off aggressive. Another goes: you are a little insecure by nature, needy, and so he finds himself "repeating" himself to provide some context of what are some very real, very firm parameters of his life that he does not trust you understand.

    And, in ways, it might not matter. Early dating should be more fun than complicatedókids or no kidsóand this is sounding awfully tortuous, almost like you each want something from the other that is not in either of your repertoires to provide. Have you guys had any calm, warm talks about what you both want, how he feels about dating with children, and so on?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Starship44
    That doesnít sound like an advice but a bunch of judgemental statements coming from someone that got severely irritated by my question. Iím assuming you have kids?
    You are assuming a lot more then that I have kids. Your opening statement was sounding very judgemental of the man you are dating for being a good father that makes sure his kids come first over a woman he has only briefly dated.

    I also think more context is needed then what you've provided. Does he repeat that after you've pushed for more from him or does he just blurt it out? What are you asking of him that compels him to hammer it home to you.

    Bottom line here is that if you feel worthless because of the way he is with you, then don't be with him. It really is that simple.

    Wouldnít it then be better if he wouldnít date at all so all his focus can be on kids.?
    Not necessarily. He just needs to find a woman that understands that when you have children, their needs come first when you've only been dating a short while. Perhaps he's just wants to date casually and has yet to be honest with you about that? Yes, more context regarding the dynamics of your union would make so there is less conjecturing and guessing as to why he says what he says.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    No judgement here. You two are on two different planes. Itís possible he isnít ready to build a life with anyone at this time and his main focus is his kids. Thatís his choice and itís not good or bad, just where heís at. You on the other hand want to build a future, share life together as a unit. This why we date....to discover if they fulfill our expectations, have the same goals, and are a good fit. You have found out his goal in life is making his kids his first and utmost priority. That doesnít work for you and thereís nothing wrong with how you feel. 2 months of dating is hardly an investment so it would be best to part ways and find someone who doesnít make you feel worthless.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like he's feels guilty about something or the both of you aren't picking up what the other is putting down. Your vibes together are wrong.

    If he's chatting and excited, for example, and telling you about what one of his kids just did the other day and you casually switched the topic without responding, that's a subtle cue to the other party that you're not on the same page. This is just an example, like I said. In this kind of example, the other person might feel the need to overemphasize their "number 1" priority because the listener in this case is not really paying attention to the excitement in his voice or how excited he is as a parent or validating that part of the conversation.

    Sometimes wires get crossed and people aren't great listeners either. Maybe it's the time of day and it's late, maybe you're both in a hurry or maybe neither of you really have time to date or one less so than the other. That is ok but ultimately it does add up to your chemistry and your vibe together.

    Also, someone else might have brushed off the part that he's a dad. Do you know much about his dating history or his past? He may be carrying a chip on his shoulder from a previous experience.

    You are perfectly entitled not to date or want to date someone with kids. That's your prerogative.

    It sounds like you're turned off and annoyed already. I'd say slow down asap. You've cancelled the date. Ok, that means that you have time to think and gather your thoughts. Hopefully you didn't tell him what a lousy lump of coal he is as a partner in the process and were tactful about it. Give yourself some breathing room and think things through again. When you feel better later this week or on the weekend, revisit the thoughts and make a clearer decision. You are not obligated to date him at all but for your own sake, come up with a better reasoning than "that sucked". It'll help you move forwards and streamline your ideas about what you think is good for you in terms of an ideal partner as you meet new people down the line.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you should break up. The first six months of a relationship are meant to be a happy phase NOT a power struggle. If you feel "turned off" at two months where you are both supposed to be on your best behaviour, imagine in two years...

    He may be feeling guilty about dating for whatever reason and taking it out/projecting on you or you may have self-esteem issues making you feel insecure. Either way, it sounds like one of you (or both of you) are not in the right headspace for a relationship between the two of you to work. If it has become such a drag at merely two months, imo it's not worth continuing.

    Imo, if dating someone with kids feels like making a concession/ being put "second" then that's not a relationship worth fighting for. Kids are meant to come first in a parent's but in the same time a successful relationship is one where both partners are in tune about it. Otherwise, you have every right to opt out.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    The fact that he keeps reiterating his children come first apparently unprovoked is incredibly peculiar.

    Are you sure you arenít doing anything to inadvertently place yourself in an adversarial role?

    Dig deep, be honest with yourself.

    If itís all him, girl run, while children always come first, itís a given not something to be stated over and over again, thatís super offputting.

    But thatís an it a BIG IF, because if it turns out itís your own insecurities or impression and not reality, you could potentially be letting a nice guy go. Dating a parent. You donít want the type who abandoned their children cause guess what? You donít want to procreate with someone who values poontang more than their kids anyway.

  8. #17
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    No sht. You've only dated months, obviously his kids will always be no.1.

    You seem childish and selfish.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    When i was a kid...I remember my mom saying that the husband comes first...children second. She probably never even remembered saying that, but at the time it hurt. But now I understand. In the old days the husband and wife were suppose to be a UNIT....Then the children. You made a happy couple....first dating...then future. Then the happy UNIT make the kid a priority...after the Husband/wife unit. If that makes sense. The children will be happy cuz they have happy parents.

    I read a book once...and it was like a spoke of a wheel. The relationship the hub. The kids the spokes. The friends further out spokes. So then as an adult, and I found out some families put the children first...before the husband/wife unit I was confused. I had dated a guy in my 50's and I thought we were to be married. I drove 4 hours to see him for 3 years, and lived in his house for 5 days at a time. His adult children were jealous of me before they even met me, because I was taking time with their dad...that HAD been for them. They told me, we were here first, we will always come first. I tried to explain to them like Blue said Ö.YOU ARE FIRST...as his children. I am first as a 'relationship' person. They got mad at me one time cuz I sent him a letter and on the back I said something like, from our little family, C and pup. Like the dog was our kid. That pissed them off to no end.

    Then the guy I just got done dating for 6 years, I ALWAYS knew his kids came before me....no contest. One time years ago, I went to his house. We were suppose to go out to a park and walk. His daughter (adult) had stopped by with some friends. I waited for a while until it was getting close to dark. I said....are we going to the park??? Made HIM mad. After his daughter left, I was trying to do damage control and be all nice...and he said...MY KIDS will ALWAYS come first.

    NOW you see...if I would have made plans with my SO and my adult son would have stopped over...I would have said...Oh SO and I are leaving in half an hours, we have plans. I have...and done that many times. I never kicked the bf to the curb, because the "kids" wanted something.

    Now if I had little kids....of course they would need their parent. I stayed married just to raise mine. Even tho I couldn't stand the father.

    But I understand the OP when she's feeling way down at the bottom of the Totem pole....especially if she was looking into long term But a few months isn't suppose to be this hard. On dating sites, I have read a few that said, My kids are my priority and always will be.

    And I skip them.

    So. My feelings are. Kids should be priority/No. 1....as his kids.
    You should be a priority/No. 1 as the primary relationship. The book I read called the 'primary' relationship....the 'couple' relationship.

    Kids grow up. The get married. Then they make their husband/wife/kids THEIR priority. It's certainly not the 'dad/mom'.....that's a priority. And it shouldn't be.

    I hope all this rambling has made sense. I had talked this same scenario over and over with my customers(friends) and they were spit. Funny, the woman i'm thinking of who thought the kids should be first, was divorced. The woman who thought the spouse should come first...has been married for 50 years....lol

  10. #19
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    It is perfectly normal to not be okay about playing mother to another woman's child. You do not have to feel guilty about it. But you are coming across very defensive about the issue and it looks rather insecure to be so threatened by a child. Of course a decent father (which you should want in a partner) will put his child ahead of all else, especially when they are young.

    As for why he keeps repeating it... maybe he was fishing for assurance from you that you are okay with it, maybe he wants you to understand that he is looking for a mother for his children.

    In any case, the incompatibility here looks obvious.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Of course his kids will always take top priority in his life. However, he doesn't have to continue reminding you of this. I'm a mother and my sons' welfare will always be tantamount before my own.

    He's reminding you that you'll always have to share him and same thing with money. His kids will always come first and you are secondary or less. In a way, it's good that he's giving you fair warning ahead of time. There will be no surprises.

    I agree with others, date a man who doesn't have baggage. You're better off dating a man who is childless.

    When I was dating my husband, kids were not even on my radar let alone ever even considering dating a father. No way! It was out of the question.

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