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Thread: Breaking up when you live together

  1. #1

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    Breaking up when you live together

    I've never posted on one of these before, but could really use some impartial advice...

    I've been with my SO for 2.5 years and have lived with them for the last year (I moved to their hometown about a year ago and moved in to their house). We have a very loving relationship and enjoy spending time together...but like most relationships, ours definitely has it's own set of challenges. I think our biggest issue being how we handle conflict - I tend to take it straight on but my SO is completely conflict avoidant...which has led to some big, nasty arguments. About a week ago, my SO broke down and told me that our relationship wasn't working, that we are too different and they did not see anything changing in the way we handle conflict or "fight" (I use that term loosely, because it seems like any disagreement is considered a fight). We had been to a few couples counseling sessions - which I personally was enjoying - but my SO didn't think they were working (or maybe they just weren't working fast enough) and didn't want to continue our sessions.

    When we broke up, I got the typical breakup schpeel - "I love you so much," "I hate this but I think this is what's best," etc. I think my SO is confident in their decision, but it's hard to say.

    We've not talked much in the last few days. My SO has been staying at a hotel while I've been in the house. I need to leave/move out at some point but how long is too long to stay in the house? Do I let my SO know when I'm leaving? Am just supposed to pack up my stuff and disappear? Should I ask my SO to help me move? What's the best way to handle this? I've never been in this situation before and am so lost!

    I'm trying so hard to give space, not be angry, keep this civil...but I am really, really hurt by all of this. I relocated here to be with my SO and I feel like they are totally bailing on our relationship because things have been tough! How would you handle this?

    Thanks for your advice. It's much needed right now!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    How would *I* handle this? Well, I'd get packing and in between boxes, I'd be looking for a place to live if I had a job there and wanted to keep it. If I didn't have a job, or one I wanted to keep then I would be calling my folks or a good friend to see if I could bunk down there until I found a place and got back on my feet.

    He/she/they told you that it was over and have been decent enough to let you have the house while you pack and make arrangements to find your own place (wherever that may be).

    So: If I really meant that I was trying to keep things as amicable as possible then I would make my plan, have an end goal and a time limit to reach that goal and let them have their home back without me in it as soon as I could while I licked my wounds that the relationship couldn't stand the test of time.

    Lots of relationships where people feel they love one another end when it's clear (at least to one anyway) that they are not compatible enough or with whom they can't actually get along with or communicate with enough to live happily with that person. Loving someone is never enough.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You both tried, replete with therapy etc. It seems to be at an impasse. How was the decision made that she would stay at the hotel? Was there abuse? Yes you need to arrange a mover and move out. It's her place. Yes give her the head's up that you have arranged for a mover and will move on xyz day make sure you have your mail forwarded to your new address.
    Originally Posted by LCH1234
    I moved to their hometown about a year ago and moved in to their house.
    My SO has been staying at a hotel while I've been in the house. I need to leave/move out at some point but how long is too long to stay in the house? Should I ask my SO to help me move?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It would seem that he has made it completely clear that this relationship isn't going to work because you two are too different and clash too much.

    General rule of thumb is that if you are just dating and you need to go to counseling to make the relationship work, stop and realize that it's not counseling that you need, but a break up. You are not compatible. The point of dating is to figure that out. If you find that you are not compatible, you don't keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole, you simply part ways. On that note, I think he fully realized that and he very much means that it's over.

    As for how long can you stay in his house? General rule is 30 days unless you two agree to something different for personal reasons. Yes, you are supposed to work on sorting out where you need to move to, pack your things and leave.

    I know you are hurting, but please start working on accepting that this relationship wasn't right for you. You lived together, it wasn't happy, you both tried to make it work, it wasn't working, you even went to counseling which is stretching things, but still.....you both gave it your all, but time to admit that you are not a match. That's not bailing out or giving up, that's just accepting reality that you are not compatible people. Don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy of I moved, I did this, I did that. You cannot continue to keep investing in what doesn't work any more than you can continue to invest in a bankrupt company. There is no return on that kind of investment. Start figuring out where you need to go and what you need to do and yes, do let him know when you'll be out.

    Do not push things to the point where he serves you with an eviction notice because that will mess you up for a long time.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    We are not going to judge you because you are male or female or in a same sex relationship, for example. Are you sensitive about that or being stereotyped? Your story does sound familiar so if you have posted here before, it's not unusual for individuals to come back and still need help. You shouldn't feel bad about that. If you really are a first timer, welcome to the forum.

    The way you deal with it is accepting what's going on before you and respecting the wishes of your partner(ex-partner). If one person no longer wants to continue with the relationship, that person is entitled to his or her opinion and take on it. What happens so often in the struggle for acceptance (during/after a break up) is that one person refuses to acknowledge or respect the wishes or feelings of someone else. Remember that when you respect the people around you, you are inherently also respecting your wishes, your present circumstances and your future self. You have a lot more to live for than dwelling in regret and the past tense.

    When I left I left when I felt it was right and respectful. It took me several months but it didn't bother my ex who was cheating on me anyway. Would I have been judged if anyone knew at the time? Maybe. So what though. I knew everything would be in good time. We separated on somewhat good terms and there was acceptance, respect and letting go. I did not throw the towel in in a fit of rage or break anything that belonged to him, for example. I'm sure I thought about it a few times. What good would it have done? I had other things to think about.

    I think what it boils down to is respect. And yes, you will be tested and you will be angry for awhile. You shouldn't lose sight of the other parts of yourself. Take things one day at a time and like I always say, all things pass.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your story sounds familiar to someone near and dear to my heart, unfortunately. I'm sorry you're going through this, LCH1234.

    At this point, if I were you, I'd be all business. Cast your angry emotions aside while you search for your new new residence, find a roommate if necessary, find a place to rent or however way you need to go about this in order to put a roof over your head. I'd move out whenever you can afford it and when you find a new dwelling.

    I don't know what your monetary arrangements are with your SO. Sometimes it's prorated or you can negotiate an exit plan if finances are an issue with your survival month to month and your impending move out schedule.

    Yes, let your SO know you're leaving and when especially if you're sharing expenses. It would be courteous to inform your SO when you plan to leave or move out. I wouldn't just disappear. No, don't ask your SO to help you move out. It's your responsibility to get help from friends to move out or hire movers. If you can't afford to hire movers and you don't have family nor friends to help you move out, you will be desperate and will be resigned to ask your SO to help you move out. If you can find alternate means, try not to involve your SO during your move out but if you have to and finances dictate it, then you might not have a choice.

    Handle this in a civil manner. That's what I would do if I were you.

    You do not need to inform your SO where you're moving to but that's your decision.

    I know you're angry, resentful and bitter which is very normal. I know you feel that you've wasted your years on your SO but it happens. There is another plan for you in your life. Stay strong.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm with the other folks in dealing with the practical stuff first, the emotional stuff later. Who owns or leases the house? If both of you are on the documents, then you have a degree of rights to the home, so see a lawyer to learn your best options and the steps to take for each option before choosing one. Otherwise, if you're not the primary resident, then decide where you'll want to move, at least temporarily, and work the process to get there as quickly as possible.

    Remaining in the home won't buy you any leverage toward reconciliation--just the opposite, it will breed resentment. So if you don't have rights to keep the home while your ex moves out, then I'd make my move-out swift in order to gain my own psychological stability in privacy and without conflict.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's her house, so you need to pack up and leave asap.
    Originally Posted by LCH1234
    moved in to their house

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's her house, so you need to pack up and leave asap.
    It's "their" house, so you need to pack up and leave asap. *fixed that for you ;)*

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by LCH1234
    We've not talked much in the last few days. My SO has been staying at a hotel while I've been in the house. I need to leave/move out at some point but how long is too long to stay in the house? Do I let my SO know when I'm leaving? Am just supposed to pack up my stuff and disappear? Should I ask my SO to help me move? What's the best way to handle this? How would you handle this?
    The house belongs to your STBX. It was theirs before you moved in. Unless there is a written contract to the contrary, you have no rights to the real estate.

    Because moving is involved you get a bit more leeway but no more then 30 days. You need to find a new place to live ASAP. You need to get your name off any utility bills etc. You need to hire movers or marshal friends. You should not expect your STBX to help with your move at all.

    You do need to tell your STBX when you will be gone. Remember, every day you spend there that person is spending money on a hotel. The longer you stick around the more this costs & the more inconvenient you are making this for everybody.

    If you are truly a nice person, I'd invite them back, give them a deadline when you will be gone & sleep on the couch or in the spare room for the next few days until you can be fully out.

    You give them the keys when you leave & make things as broom clean as possible before you depart.


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