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Thread: Girlfriend's ex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Portland Bill

    I am feeling psychologically fragile at the moment, and I'm scared that I'm about to find out that the woman I've fallen in love and thought I'd found a future with isn't who I thought she was.

    Tf do I do?
    Be more real with yourself. You may be in love with her and very confused right now but it doesn't mean that you owe yourself any less. See things exactly as they are. I think this has more to do with self-actualization and self-awareness than it does with co-parenting and she doesn't have it. I'm sorry to say that. She's all over the map. I don't feel like she's broken that toxic cycle from her previous marriage or recognized how to deal with a manipulative ex. You should recognize that some people live their entire lives this way, never breaking past that point. It's not on you to change anyone. Just be aware and choose carefully. I get the feeling that you already practice this method very well. You don't sound meddlesome, jealous or controlling in any way to me. Nothing about you in your write up suggests that you're overbearing or disingenuous.

    How you feel about her and what you choose for yourself going forward in your life may be two separate things. You may continue to feel affection and love for this person long after the relationship stops working realistically. Those are all human attributes. We don't just switch off like robots and or get programmed by a different code and move in a different direction never once looking back. Most people reflect and take time to heal privately on an emotional level. Turning your life around and re-situating yourself can take time.

    I agree with opening your options and good for you for requesting or looking into options with HR. You're already thinking quickly and seem well able to handle a shift or change. Think of your kids and your career if you feel unsure and confused. I'd think of all your decisions leading up to this point that have led you past the end of your previous relationship and divorce and into a new life; a culmination of all those decisions should guide you or propel you and keep you on the right track. You've come this far. I wouldn't let this short romance get the better of you and I doubt you would (really - you don't seem like that kind of man). There is no need to fear the unknown. Take care of yourself.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get your own place. For the sake of your kids and your sanity.
    Originally Posted by Portland Bill
    I'm reliant on her for accommodation at this moment in time, so I kind of feel like I'm stuck.

  3. #13
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    This woman is trampling all over your boundaries, which is why you - as a normally well-balanced, tolerant guy - are getting jittery. You will continue to eat your heart out for as long as she maintains this emotional connection with him, and isn't going to get better any time soon.

    You can rationalise, tell yourself that everything's OK, that there's nothing wrong with her behaviour (because you love her), and you're not allowed to feel jealous or threatened. However, it sounds as though you've got the role of making her feel loved and wanted because you're reliable, while she still gets her kicks from her ex. Effectively she's got two relationships. Nobody on here can tell you if there's anything physical going on between them, but you can be pretty sure that there's an intimate emotional connection which is carried on behind your back, and from which you're excluded. It's nothing to do with co-parenting.

    Don't underestimate what a devastating effect this can have on your self-worth, and it will get worse the longer the situation carries on.

    Don't do anything hasty, but look at ways where you can stop feeling quite so stuck, so that if you do need to walk away to save your sanity, you can do so with dignity.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you are in counselling. Unfortunately, you haven't dealt with your divorce. Also you jumped into living in her house way too soon. It sounds like you wanted to just segue from one place right into another without stopping to breathe.

    The first thing to do is to move out and get your own place. It's her house her rules, you're just a guest right now. So you don't really have a place to live then just go back to your exwife's place on weekends?

    That whole situation is much worse than any whatever messages on her phone from her ex. Way too much too soon and you haven't dealt with your divorce. You're still in affair mode weekdays at her place and weekends at what you wrote "home" with the exwife/kids. You're in no position to point fingers when you are "home" with your exwife and kids every weekend.
    Originally Posted by Portland Bill
    We both split from our first marriages not long before we started talking
    I've been having some problems with anxiety and depression since leaving my family, which I'm seeking counselling for

    It is difficult getting used to the fact that he still needs to be involved for their son

    I admitted to her that the fact that they were together for 10 years, and we've only been together 1 does make me feel a little inferior


    she offered me to move into her place while I was at work, and I travel home at the weekend to see my kids.

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  6. #15
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    What you are feeling is your gut talking to you.
    I am with lost on this ...never mind blaming it on mental health etc etc ...don't let anyone twist that one on you .

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, she lacks healthy boundaries when it comes to her ex. I agree with all the previous posts advising you to trust your gut.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Her ex may still be paying for the house this guy is camping out at. He needs his own place. He refers to his exwife's place as "home". He has no boundaries if he spends weeknights at her place and weekends at "home" with his exwife/kids. He would not be so snoopy or concerned if he had his own place and was not concerned with his weeknight "accommodations", as he refers to his gf's home...like a motel.
    Originally Posted by Clio
    Imo, she lacks healthy boundaries when it comes to her ex. I agree with all the previous posts advising you to trust your gut.

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