Dating two women at the same time??

[Jimbob83]

Hi, just wanted to get some people's thoughts on this...

So I went back onto online dating a couple of months ago after taking a long break from it. Matched with a girl, went on a date which went pretty well, exchanged phone numbers at the end, and later arranged to go for a second date a week or so later. The day of the second date she pulls out as she is 'tired'. I was a bit annoyed as I had used annual leave to book the day off work (she didn't know this and said she felt terrible about it later).

The first date I thought had gone ok, she might have pulled out because she was tired, or she wasn't that bothered about seeing me again, or any number of other reasons, all of which were fine, as I wasn't that invested or anything, but was happy to go for a second date and see what happened. We eventually rearrange the second date.

Around the same time I match with another girl, we seemed to click and after a couple of days messaging back and forth, agree to meet for a coffee.

Now I have never dated two women at the same time, seems a bit insincere to me. However in these circumstances, I have doubts about the first girl's interest and there is a possibility she may cancel again. I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to meet the second girl but it just seems a bit alien to me to have two dates planned with different women...the subject of dating anyone else hasn't come up with either of the girls, if they did ask I would just be honest. It doesn't really seem right to me but then I think why should I limit my options or have to make a decision on one girl and maybe end things before arranging a date with anyone else?

What are people's views on this?? Many thanks...

[Rose Mosse]

You're going to run the gamut on this one. The short answer is that it is particular to the individual and personal preference (whether to date one at a time or multiple dates overlapping/getting to know more than one person in a span of time). As a guideline you might want to mention on the first or second dates upon meeting someone new what you're looking for and at some point also mention what your preferences for dating might be (dating one person at a time versus seeing different people). Keep in mind not everyone will be as honest with you as you may be with them.

All of this is part of the getting to know you phase (very basic items) to figure out whether you are on the same page, have the same type of emotional or logistical availability. If you don't feel your dates are being sincere or things don't add up later, you can respond accordingly. This means stop dating them or let things cool off naturally and explain there's not enough chemistry or spark for you.

There is no right or wrong. If you don't feel comfortable with one or the other, don't try and normalize it or rationalize it. Follow your instincts and do not do anything you're not comfortable with. You are under no obligation to test yourself or force yourself to try different things.

[Honeycomb8]

I've dated a couple of guys for 2-3 months at a time a few times in my life. Nothing is wrong with it, as long as you are clear that it isn't exclusive and you're not sleeping with them. I don't sleep with guys unless we become official so I never did anything sexual with any of them lol. I'd imagine if you were being misleading or if you were sleeping with one or both of them it could get messy.

You've been on a date, that's not anywhere close to actually 'dating' them yet, so relax.

[SherrySher]

I would say after the second or third date with both women, you should get a pretty good idea on which one you want to focus on.

Once you've decided which one, tell the other one that it's not going to work out.

But don't go on anymore than 3 dates with both of them in your life because then it does look like you're a player.

[SherrySher]

I've dated a couple of guys for 2-3 months at a time a few times in my life. Nothing is wrong with it, as long as you are clear that it isn't exclusive and you're not sleeping with them. I don't sleep with guys unless we become official so I never did anything sexual with any of them lol. I'd imagine if you were being misleading or if you were sleeping with one or both of them it could get messy.

If you're going to date both of them this long..make sure both of them know you are dating someone other than them. Do not play games and do not hide the fact.
And as Honeycomb mentioned, no intimacy until you've chosen one of them and the other one is out of the picture.

[bluecastle]

I do not consider myself "dating" anyone I've only met once, twice, three times. Too soon for that label and line of thinking, even internally. Feels presumptuous and possessive to my internal computer, as I would find it weird if any woman I'd met once referred to me as "a guy I'm dating."

So what you're talking about? I don't see that as dating two women at the same time. I see it as seeing about the potential of dating two different women—with "dating" being the thing that happens after a fifth or eleventh date and some talks where the stranger before you becomes less strange. Put even simpler: I think you are describing being single.

Zero harm in seeing about Girl 2 before a second meet up with Girl 1. Zero muddy waters, morally. And nothing to explain. Subtract the apps from it and it's basically what single people have been doing since the dawn of civilization: they're out there in the world, seeing about being less than single.

Now, as you make the transition from "seeing about dating" to "dating"—well, that's where it gets murky. But that is not this. In this case I say take a breath, knowing that you'll have a clearer idea about it all after another meet or two, by which point it's likely that you'll want to devote your energy more to one. If you want to date both simultaneously—well, you can express that honestly and see if they're on the same page.

But we're already far ahead of ourselves, as the question of whether either of these women will want to date you is for them to answer. So I say meet up and see about that part first. One step at a time.

[SherrySher]

Zero harm in seeing about Girl 2 before a second meet up with Girl 1. Zero muddy waters, morally. And nothing to explain. Subtract the apps from it and it's basically what single people have been doing since the dawn of civilization: they're out there in the world, seeing about being less than single.

You're assuming that everyone involved thinks this way and I can tell you that many do not.

Many people are not cool with multi-dating, even early on. They would prefer to focus on one person and the person they are dating/seeing to do the same.

Best to have this conversation with your potentials so that everyone is on the same page and no one gets offended or hurt.

[lostandhurt]

Actually you haven't even had a date with either of them. You had a first meeting with the one woman but that isn't really a proper date.

You had a first meet and now you have a first meet with someone new.

Dating implies way more than you have done so far. I have had plenty of first meets and then a date and when asked I say "I went out with her a couple of times" I certainly don't say "we dated briefly" Get my point.

By 2 to 4 dates I would think you would know for sure if you wanted to continue seeing someone and during that time sure there may be some overlap.

Just don't be one of those people that date someone until something better comes along. Be true to yourself and if they are not for you end it so they can find someone new.

Remember they call it "dating" not "relationshipping"

Be honest if asked but don't bring it up.

Lost

[Rose Mosse]

Luckily both my husband and I were the same when we met and never met anyone else before and after our first date. Sometimes you don't even really have to say much about it, OP. You're just on the same wavelength. It takes kissing a lot of frogs, though (and I'm meaning in the broader sense, not just about this, and of course, metaphorically speaking only - this is not to say anything derogatory about the great people I've met).

I think everyone is entitled to their preference or style of dating. Just because a majority of a certain crowd (any crowd) may think one way is more popular than the other, it doesn't always mean that it's right for you.

Prior to speaking with my husband, even before our first date, I left messages unread and paid less attention to the dating website where we met. The connection was very strong and I looked forward to meeting him. Not everyone will feel that kind of chemistry right off the bat and not everyone wants to either or it's not the right timing. I have dated more than one individual also at a time. It's a different feeling.

I'm also not so hung up on the dating versus seeing versus meeting categories. I know my husband was more aware about those terms and we had some casual banter about it later on. It really had no bearing on me and it was just different ways of calling something the same thing. As long as we were both on the same page, I didn't care what others called it. I didn't even care what he wanted to call it (not a form of negligence, just didn't affect me or the way I was around him).

All in all, I'd just have to say: have fun. Enjoy... meet new people and have a great time learning things about people and seeing people as they are, in the way they want to be seen. It's rewarding and enriching too to meet others and hear different stories. Some will be more negative than others, others will be more positive, sometimes you'll feel like you're way out of your league and other times you'll be quizzically scratching your head and asking yourself what on earth you're doing. There are a lot of funny moments too, if you're willing to have a laugh. Don't get too serious about it this early. Enjoy.

[nutbrownhare]

You've only had one meet with girl No.1, and haven't actually had a second meeting yet. You've arranged to have coffee with girl No.2. This isn't exactly bigamy!

Carry on meeting casually until you find someone where you feel it could go further, and you both agree to give it a go. If you can sense someone's getting over-invested too early on, and you don't share their feelings, be honest with them. If you just enjoy each other's company but are not particularly attracted to each other, carry on. I don't see anything wrong with this as long as you are not leading the other person on and making them think that your relationship is something that it isn't - that would be cruel.

Otherwise, just have fun!