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Thread: Confused by the girl I have been working with for 2 years. Please help me

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Nov 2019

    Confused by the girl I have been working with for 2 years. Please help me

    I’ve been working with this girl for 2 years. At this point I could say she’s one of my good friends. But, it took us a bit to get here. the majority of this time she was in a longggg abusive relationship. Not able to talk to me. we were not friends, but still at work would talk. As time went on, her boyfriend made horrible mistakes. Mistakes that to most people would not unforgivable, but she was so manipulated by him constantly. They’d break up, her and I would become closer, but she would stop talking to me when they got back together. Then, it seemed she left for good. And for months,it grew into us talking 24/7. This made my tiny crush for her go to actual feelings. We’d Call each other babe,
    flirt,and really opened up to one another. But, she is still clearly struggling over the break up. She talks to me about it all the time. Because I knew how much she struggling with the break up,I didn’t want to talk to her about it because why would I? She’s mid break up. But It was weighing on me not telling her, so I did. She was glad we talked and that I was open with her, she knew we had to. She didn’t wanna hurt me, but is of course not over her ex. it was a very abusive and long relationship. But she wanted to remain very close and still talk 24/7. She said we have both put a lot of time into each other so it’d be stupid to just throw it all away. I do know she truly values our friendship. And even though she can’t have those feelings for me with everything she’s going through, it does make me wonder what could happen in the future. Makes me want to stay around and let things go exactly how they have been. But what if It makes me like her more, which could set me up to be hurt. What if after she does get over the break up, she still only can see me as a friend. All I know is we connect like I don’t really connect with people.We left it was that we would have some space and see each other Friday at work. There’s another side of me that just wants to ignore her and truly move on. A quick aside that made me tell her was at work, I was over hearing how she met this guy out and nothing happened but she thought he was attractive and blah blah blah, but I have that gut feeling she’s just doing anything to get over her ex. Where should I go from here?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    It may be best to leave her be especially since you work together. She is pushing back so let that stand. Do not stay in this orbit of a shoulder to cry on. It puts you in the male-girlfriend zone which is worse than the friendzone.

    She has friends, family and therapists she can talk to. Keep in mind she may go back, it's very common in these settings. Focus on yourself and get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting available single interested women who you don't work with.
    Originally Posted by BigB1309
    I’ve been working with this girl for 2 years. .She didn’t wanna hurt me, but is of course not over her ex. it was a very abusive and long relationship. But she wanted to remain very close and still talk 24/7.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    you would be a rebound to her. i would keep my distance. She is very vulnerable right now and her ability to choose a healthy relationship after her abusive one will be a long time in coming. Why not try to meet women elsewhere, so you are not fixated on dating her or waiting for her? Instead of trying to rescue her?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    Someone coming out of an abusive relationship is not in the right place. She needs time to heal and possibly some outside help doing it too (that does not mean you but a professional or a therapist). I don't think you're in a good place either.

    Why are you feeling like you can't connect with people (other people)? I'd explore more of that and try not to limit yourself with thoughts like that. It's negative and it isolates you. I'd be careful of your thoughts and the way you think about yourself around people or any ideas that you have about what you can and can't do. Every one of us has limitations and preferences but limiting yourself prematurely or cutting yourself off from healthier connections and experiences is no good for you overall and for your long term health.

    The reason why she's so important to you is likely because you're isolated. Open your world up a bit more and try to avoid staying stuck in the same negative cyclical thought patterns. Be sensitive to go-nowhere relationships that are not fulfilling or helpful to you or your growth. Why would you want to stay stuck in this type of limbo? Connect back with yourself and ask yourself what matters to you in life. If you feel it's too painful of a question or if it recalls painful past experiences, you'll have to do the homework and uncover all of that and heal too. Don't let your fears overtake you or limit you and what you deserve (you deserve better than this).


  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    If your male friend was getting out of an abusive relationship, you wouldn't be bent out of shape and wanting to ignore him if he started talking about other women. You might say "Dude, what the h--l, bad choice" if he was rebounding too quick. But that's all you would really put into it and wouldn't want to resort to ignoring or have hurt feelings. In other words, with your interest, she's not a friend.

    Those 24/7 talks were most likely 24/7 hoping she would come leaping over to you to be her nice guy love muffin. That's not going to happen and in reality, you wouldn't want it to happen as she very likely has a lot of personal issues to sort through before she would be ready for a healthy relationship.

    Ignoring would make you look very immature, and be hurtful after spending a lot of time playing a friend role. You say you haven't connected with many people, don't mess up a connection even as a friend. In my opinion, honesty is best, such as, "As I've gotten to know you, I would be lying if I didn't say I was becoming interested. But I know that's not going to work right now, and I still want to be friends, but I need some time away for now." There is no way of knowing how she would handle that, but it would give the friendship a chance in the long run.

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