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Monkey branching and likelihood of reconciliation vs rebound


teeEFc

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I'm still dealing with my own issues right now, but I'm curious about the feedback from the folks on ENA regarding monkey branching relationships.

 

I was listening to Dating Guy recently and he was talking about how most ex's who move on via monkey branching don't come back.

 

I am still holding onto the hope that in about one year or two maybe my ex might reach out to me again if I've improved on myself enough to become the superhuman person I want to me.

 

So, ENAers - many say that rebound relationships don't last - but what about monkey branching ones?

 

Of course, I'm hoping it's the same as a rebound, but I know that's not the case.

 

Please post your thoughts/experiences down below. Maybe some of you can give me some hope - and maybe some of you might give me a dose of reality :upset:

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Is this a survey to support or counter internet dating gurus? You need to focus on getting an attorney for your divorce, not some abusive ex from years and years ago.

 

My advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562390&p=7175749&viewfull=1#post7175749

I was listening to Dating Guy recently and he was talking about how most ex's who move on via monkey branching don't come back.

 

I am still holding onto the hope that in about one year or two maybe my ex might reach out to me again if I've improved on myself enough to become the superhuman person I want to me.

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Is this a survey to support or counter internet dating gurus?

 

Dating Guy is about the only one I'd listen to.

 

I think he's right. Monkey branchers don't come back, they are always looking for a new tree to swing over to.

 

Forget her OP, she was untrustworthy. You deserve better.

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Hey Wiseman2!

 

Thanks for the quick response.

 

It's more a survey to do either - support or counter internet dating gurus. I see a lot of info about rebounds, but not about monkey branchers.

 

I love your response about the abusive ex. However, may I ask you - what signs do you see that he's abusive independent of my own actions? Your advice continues to be spot on, but I'm just curious what your perspective is

I'm focusing on the quickest way to divorce right now. We've been separated for almost a year.

 

But truly, I would like to know what people think about monkey branching relationships as well without my situation being entangled in the answers.

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I think it's interesting and maybe even entertaining information. I think beyond that, especially trying to apply it to your own individual situation is kind of a waste of time or distracting in an unproductive way. My take away from my experiences in relationships and from what I've heard in real life -most people are a combo of all these categories and labels. And common sense reigns -people who are relatively healthy move towards pleasure and away from pain. True in relationships too. If someone wants to be with you he or she will if you want to be with that person.

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Dating Guy is about the only one I'd listen to.

 

I think he's right. Monkey branchers don't come back, they are always looking for a new tree to swing over to.

 

Forget her OP, she was untrustworthy. You deserve better.

 

Exactly! I found Dating Guy's advice and insights great compared to 99% of the rest on the net. He's got a great way of saying things too.

I guess it's true then. Monkey branchers aren't going to look back. They just keep looking forward.

 

So, if you've been dumped via monkey branching - let go of that hope they'll ever return even years down the road.

I've actually emailed Dating Guy for his advice on my situation. I'm excited to hear his insights as well.

Thanks for your input!

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I think it's interesting and maybe even entertaining information. I think beyond that, especially trying to apply it to your own individual situation is kind of a waste of time or distracting in an unproductive way. My take away from my experiences in relationships and from what I've heard in real life -most people are a combo of all these categories and labels. And common sense reigns -people who are relatively healthy move towards pleasure and away from pain. True in relationships too. If someone wants to be with you he or she will if you want to be with that person.

 

Thanks for your response!

I have been listening to a lot of different relationship gurus and they all seem to say things like indefinite no contact can lead to the fading bias affect which can then lead to potential re-emergence of attraction and maybe, just maybe, reconciliation. Or not :p

 

I guess you're right - move away from pain to pleasure. Good point.

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Until they miss that next branch, and crash bigtime.

 

Karma bites.

 

Yes!!!

 

Oh, sweet, sweet Karma. I've been the recipient of Karma's ass kicking in my life. Surely, karma will get others too :D

Thanks for that uplifting moment for those affected by monkey branchers.

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Thanks for your response!

I have been listening to a lot of different relationship gurus and they all seem to say things like indefinite no contact can lead to the fading bias affect which can then lead to potential re-emergence of attraction and maybe, just maybe, reconciliation. Or not :p

 

I guess you're right - move away from pain to pleasure. Good point.

 

Yes- they dress up common sense in fancy psychospeak with rare exception. Here are the rare exceptions I've found -the late Dr. Joy Browne's radio program, Judith Sills oldie but goodie A Fine Romance and Martha Beck's writings.

In our case (dated over 2 years, engaged with the wedding about two months away) we had very limited contact -a few emails a year, one 1.5 hour dinner after about 6 years apart, until we spoke by phone after almost 8 years apart and made a plan for dinner -platonic, absolutely just to catch up. Not a date. At all. But, sparks flew. We were able to get back together for 3 main reasons: (1) we'd both changed as people so the chemistry/compatibility was much much stronger; (2) when we broke up it did not involve any lies or betrayal or cheating so we were able to get past the hurt and upset feelings of ending our prior relationship; (3) we both wanted the exact same thing and expressed what we wanted very soon after that first dinner (we got back together about a month after that first meeting and during that month we were platonic and saw each other three times) - we both wanted to see if this time we would get married. That conversation took about 2-5 minutes total because when you both want the same thing you don't need long discussions or intense talks. We had many of those after we decided but then we were committed to a common goal so those conversations had that foundation of commitment as opposed to doubt or uncertainty. (We've been married almost 11 years and it's going really well!).

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So, your partner monkey branches off to someone they feel is better, for whatever reason.

 

She has done you a favour. If she comes back, she should be kicked to the kurb, full stop, end of story.

 

To do anything else will show her your worth, that you are fine with her branching off to get jack hammered by some guy who is not you and then to come back to her safe little simp who will always be there, until another contender shows himself.

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Taking back someone who left me for someone else would only position me for a life of fearing the next person they meet. Not exactly the kind of position I'd select for myself.

 

Monkey branching and leapfrogging are the same as rebounding with no time in between. They've set up someone on-deck instead of breaking up before finding that person. None are recipes for a stable and secure relationship, because the people involved have not taken the time to stabilize before involving someone else. It doesn't mean they'll never stumble upon success, it's just not a method that healthy people would choose.

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Taking back someone who left me for someone else would only position me for a life of fearing the next person they meet. Not exactly the kind of position I'd select for myself.

 

Monkey branching and leapfrogging are the same as rebounding with no time in between. They've set up someone on-deck instead of breaking up before finding that person. None are recipes for a stable and secure relationship, because the people involved have not taken the time to stabilize before involving someone else. It doesn't mean they'll never stumble upon success, it's just not a method that healthy people would choose.

 

In our case we didn't do that (although I started dating right away but the break up was not because of any of those people at all) and I think it still depends on context -was it a one time thing, how much time has passed, has the person changed over that period of time and if so, how?

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Wait...

 

Didn’t you marry someone pretty quickly after ending this relationship?

 

Didn’t you resume contact with him while you are still married?

 

Didn’t you block him because he called you while you were ‘sick’

 

Serious question everyone and I’m not being sarcastic, how is she abused?

 

Maybe I’m reading it wrong it just seems like she’s the perpetrator?

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Agree with Catfeeder* ~ Monkey Branching, Leapfrogging, Rebounding...Same things, different labels....

 

In my time working in this field what I've come to realise is that an ex returning and wanting to make it work is like winning the lottery....extremely rare and not one person can predict whether it will happen or not....Whether they monkey branched, rebounded, flat out left or whatever.....

 

That is why it is so important to just focus on yourself and your own path moving forward....But I do understand it can also take some time to let that Hopium drain away. Took me almost 2 years even though I knew full well she wasn't coming back.....

 

As for karma, I too have wished that 'karma' would kick my ex(s) in the butt but had to come to the realisation that someone wanting to end a relationship isn't necessarily karma inducing....they're free to follow what they decide is right for them.....

 

Staying IN a relationship and being emotionally or physically abusive, well that's another story.....

 

Not sure I even believe in karma anyway....I just try to do good in the world for my own peace of mind*

 

Dating Guy is pretty good. I like The Healing Heart too if you can find him on YT......

 

Stay Strong. You can do this*

 

Carus*

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It doesn't matter how your ex ends things or whether they monkey branched or got involved with a rebound or stayed celibate for a year or two. It's all completely irrelevant.

 

What is relevant is that this person dumped you because they no longer want to be with you in particular. That is not a judgment on you, it is their personal life choice that often has little or nothing to do with you. The sooner you start accepting that, the faster you'll be able to heal and move on. Rejection hurts, but trying to cling on to the idea that you want a person who rejected you is completely toxic to you. A case where you have to stop looking in the rear view mirror and start looking ahead toward your future because if you don't start looking forward, you'll quickly find yourself wrecked in the ditch.

 

If you want to improve something about yourself, do it for you and only you and only because that would make you happy or benefit you going forward.

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It doesn't matter how your ex ends things or whether they monkey branched or got involved with a rebound or stayed celibate for a year or two. It's all completely irrelevant.

 

What is relevant is that this person dumped you because they no longer want to be with you in particular. That is not a judgment on you, it is their personal life choice that often has little or nothing to do with you. The sooner you start accepting that, the faster you'll be able to heal and move on. Rejection hurts, but trying to cling on to the idea that you want a person who rejected you is completely toxic to you. A case where you have to stop looking in the rear view mirror and start looking ahead toward your future because if you don't start looking forward, you'll quickly find yourself wrecked in the ditch.

 

If you want to improve something about yourself, do it for you and only you and only because that would make you happy or benefit you going forward.

 

Your words of wisdom are what I'm trying to live by every minute of the day right now. Things are really, really tough - still. It's really nice to read friendly reminders like what you've written here!

I'm trying to pursue things that will make a difference in the world and are things I purely enjoy.

 

I'm getting a bit better and I realize that if I want to win someone over or progress as a person - I need to look forward. I can't afford to look back.

 

Thanks again for your input.

 

But, generally speaking - do you believe if someone lined up someone else - might they come back? I'm not even thinking about my situation anymore. Just for others when they search up this term it might help them out.

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Agree with Catfeeder* ~ Monkey Branching, Leapfrogging, Rebounding...Same things, different labels....

 

In my time working in this field what I've come to realise is that an ex returning and wanting to make it work is like winning the lottery....extremely rare and not one person can predict whether it will happen or not....Whether they monkey branched, rebounded, flat out left or whatever.....

 

That is why it is so important to just focus on yourself and your own path moving forward....But I do understand it can also take some time to let that Hopium drain away. Took me almost 2 years even though I knew full well she wasn't coming back.....

 

As for karma, I too have wished that 'karma' would kick my ex(s) in the butt but had to come to the realisation that someone wanting to end a relationship isn't necessarily karma inducing....they're free to follow what they decide is right for them.....

 

Staying IN a relationship and being emotionally or physically abusive, well that's another story.....

 

Not sure I even believe in karma anyway....I just try to do good in the world for my own peace of mind*

 

Dating Guy is pretty good. I like The Healing Heart too if you can find him on YT......

 

Stay Strong. You can do this*

 

Carus*

 

Hey Carus!

Thanks so much for your experience!

May I ask - how did you let go of your hopium? Did your ex monkey branch/rebound etc? What made you realize she wasn't coming back?

I'm just hoping other people like myself might read this thread and gain some more insight. I think the more info people can use to support their understanding of everything, the better.

 

Were you better off in the end after you let go?

 

Thanks again!

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"But, generally speaking - do you believe if someone lined up someone else - might they come back? I'm not even thinking about my situation anymore. Just for others when they search up this term it might help them out."

 

Common sense says no.

 

Besides, those who monkey branch from relationship to relationship tend to be toxic people. It's a huge red flag. I wouldn't get involved with a person who is trying to monkey branch and I would never take back an ex who monkey branched. Goodbye and good riddance.

 

Break ups are hard, but once you start focusing more on yourself, improving your life, friendships, hobbies or developing those things, you'll find that you no longer see your ex in any great light or want them back even if they begged. Hindsight does come around and eventually you start to see the problems with them, realize there is better out there for you. On day at a time, one step forward. Some day are better than others, but keep reminding yourself to focus on looking forward.

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How about taking a HUGE breather from envisioning yourself as part of a couple? Your last two relationships failed. If you don't take time solo, including mentally (no more thinking of a potential partner), your future relationships are bound to fail as well.

 

This is the time to reestablish friendships you've allowed to fall by the wayside, or to create new friendships by finding a hobby you can be passionate about. Try meet up.com to join activity groups of people who have fun meeting up for festivals, hiking, book discussion groups. If you've never learned to enjoy your own company, now's the perfect time to start. Try new recipes. There's a library app that lets you download audio books for free. Enjoy listening to a great story or a self help book while snuggled in bed. Do volunteer work to get out of your own head and feel good about helping others.

 

Ironically, only when you're totally fulfilled with a life solo, will you be ready to share your joy with a companion. Right now, you feel like you need a companion to be fulfilled, which is your problem. You're seeking a man to fill a void within you, and because you're not whole yourself, your man picker will continue to be faulty. Embrace the word freedom for the moment and all it has to offer. Take care.

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"But, generally speaking - do you believe if someone lined up someone else - might they come back? I'm not even thinking about my situation anymore. Just for others when they search up this term it might help them out."

 

Common sense says no.

 

Besides, those who monkey branch from relationship to relationship tend to be toxic people. It's a huge red flag. I wouldn't get involved with a person who is trying to monkey branch and I would never take back an ex who monkey branched. Goodbye and good riddance.

 

Break ups are hard, but once you start focusing more on yourself, improving your life, friendships, hobbies or developing those things, you'll find that you no longer see your ex in any great light or want them back even if they begged. Hindsight does come around and eventually you start to see the problems with them, realize there is better out there for you. On day at a time, one step forward. Some day are better than others, but keep reminding yourself to focus on looking forward.

 

What a well balanced and wonderful answer. I hope others, like myself, come across this thread and find answers like yours. It's very encouraging!

May I ask - have you been the dumpee before? How did you put the focus on yourself into practice? How long did it take for you to heal? And, of course, have you ever had a monkey branching/rebounding ex come back?

 

To be honest, I came back to my ex - but he dumped me first. I came back to him 2 years later as I still did love him. I'm hoping that doesn't make me a bad person too :( (I guess it's true about the fading affect bias - I forgot about all of the awful things and only remember the good times). He also moved on and had a girlfriend for at least 9 months.

 

Thanks again for such a great reply!

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"And, of course, have you ever had a monkey branching/rebounding ex come back?"

 

lol....you keep pushing to be told what you want to hear - please tell me my ex will come back. The question you need to ask is why on earth would you want back a person who dumped you for another shiny object? I mean how low are your standards?

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"And, of course, have you ever had a monkey branching/rebounding ex come back?"

 

lol....you keep pushing to be told what you want to hear - please tell me my ex will come back. The question you need to ask is why on earth would you want back a person who dumped you for another shiny object? I mean how low are your standards?

 

LOL. No, no - I just want people who are coming from a healthier space (like yourself) to talk about their experiences and if this type of scenario ever happened to them and how they handled it. Like I said, online gurus will tell you that rebounds inevitably fail and your ex will reach out to you some time in the future if you enact indefinite no contact. But, monkey branching is a different beast.

 

I do like how you put that 'shiny object' statement!

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Tee.

 

"do you believe if someone lined up someone else - might they come back?"

 

The short answer is no.

 

Hanging on to such beliefs comes under the headings "Malignant Optimism" and its dismal cousin "Malignant Nostalgia".

 

That's a great answer. Thanks for those two terms. I'm sure others might be helped to name and claim their own behaviours.

 

Thanks for your input as well!

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