Monkey branching and likelihood of reconciliation vs rebound

[figureitout23]

I see what you're getting at here.
Yes, you're right about feeding unhealthy thoughts and habits. I post on this forum knowing that there's a very good chance I'm going to get some of my words thrown back at me. But, for good reason. I recognize that my thought patterns are very unhealthy and that considering someone who is also unhealthy isn't a good step forward. Sometimes folks like me need a good shakeup.

So, I realize you're trying to keep things real and not encourage me to get caught up in the soft and cuddly soft let downs. I understand and appreciate your insights and critiques.

Two things I wanted you to elaborate more on: 1) What do you mean being my own worst enemy? and 2) What do you mean not getting lost in the pretty words and ignoring reality? Are you talking about a person's tendency to look at monkey branching etc as a means to hold onto hope that shouldn't be there?

Thanks again for trying to understand my situation. It's a doozy and I've been on a crazy emotional rollercoaster for about 4+ years.

No.

I’m not giving you any advise on monkey branching, A.) because I don’t really have any, and B.) because I do not think at the end of the day it’s helping you move on, if anything it’s helping you stay stuck, I don’t want to be a part of that. I recognize you stating it’s helping, but it makes very little logical sense. Hearing horror stories may help but anything else you’re giving yourself hope.

I realize it may not feel like it, you may very well be telling yourself you’re just working through. But I’m telling you from one toxic relationship participant to another, it was just feeding the beast, nothing more.

I’m sorry you or others feel I’m being inconsiderate, I’m not trying to be, I’m not even trying to be blunt, I really don’t get why there seems to be an air of romanticizing and ignoring the giant elephant in the room, you are still married, to a man you married due to pressure because your family felt your ex was emotionally abusive, what changed exactly? Cause there still seems to be manipulation on his end, others mentioned it as well, and you’re still pretty manipulative as well... no judgement, now we’re being blunt, you blocked the guy, come on, that’s not the fairy tale story you tell your grandchildren. It’s game playing, it’s immaturity, it’s power plays, I recognize it like the back of my hand. It doesn’t sound like either one of you changed.

Going back to him is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad idea.

[boltnrun]

That was an incredibly tragic story - thanks for sharing it! You have given me some great insights and perspectives through your experiences. Once again, it's folks like yourself who can share your life moments and share the extracted learning lesson from it that give back to the community of suffering dumpees like myself!

If you have any other words of wisdom or ways YOU dealt and coped with his heartbreaking experience, I'd love to hear about them!

Thanks again!!!

"Tragic" and "heartbreaking" are pretty strong words. I wouldn't use those words.

What works? Staying away from toxic people. Not romanticizing the story but clearly seeing it for what it is. I used poor judgment and paid the price. I am angry at myself for how low my self esteem was for thinking he was who I wanted. THAT is what's tragic...seeing toxicity and not thinking highly enough of myself to walk away instead of running full speed toward a garbage human who I should have avoided like the plague.

He's tried a few times when he and his "monkey branch" girlfriend fought. Nope, not for me. I found my missing self esteem. I don't need him or any man to make me feel good about myself. I can be "alone" and not feel like I'm less of a human.

[Carus]

Firstly, thanks for your kind words...I just know what it's like to be reeling a bit in the emotional turmoil and 'tough love' never worked for me. Might work for some, but not for me...You'll get enough of that in here but there are a few posters like me and BlueCastle who still relate to that confusion that comes in the early days*

Plus I did do Counselling and Psyche at Uni and then ran my own clinic for a while....until my own world imploded :@

So, I'm curious how monkey branching relationships pan out vs rebound ones as I've read there is a difference.

I'm not sure where you read that but my answer is they can pan out the same...or differently lol

There's no 'cookie cutter' advice when it comes to this stuff....A rebound might not work out....or it might....

This is why it is so important to start working towards acceptance and indifference as soon as you can...Takes some longer than others and I am also empathic to that....

People say "Oh just get on with it...Just get over it....Don't think this....Don't think that...etc"

Wouldn't it be great if it were just that easy..!? ENA wouldn't even exist if that were the case....

Here's a video for you..>> [Register to see the link]

So what have you got planned for today and the weekend....?

Carus*

[teeEFc]

Firstly, thanks for your kind words...I just know what it's like to be reeling a bit in the emotional turmoil and 'tough love' never worked for me. Might work for some, but not for me...You'll get enough of that in here but there are a few posters like me and BlueCastle who still relate to that confusion that comes in the early days*

Plus I did do Counselling and Psyche at Uni and then ran my own clinic for a while....until my own world imploded :@

I'm not sure where you read that but my answer is they can pan out the same...or differently lol

There's no 'cookie cutter' advice when it comes to this stuff....A rebound might not work out....or it might....

This is why it is so important to start working towards acceptance and indifference as soon as you can...Takes some longer than others and I am also empathic to that....

People say "Oh just get on with it...Just get over it....Don't think this....Don't think that...etc"

Wouldn't it be great if it were just that easy..!? ENA wouldn't even exist if that were the case....

Here's a video for you..>> [Register to see the link]

So what have you got planned for today and the weekend....?

Carus*

Carus!
I will get back to you later about what you've written here. I just wanted to say thanks for passing along that video! I have been listening to a few of his videos now and they're great.
Do you have any other suggestions? I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

[Carus]

Do you have any other suggestions? I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

Oh dear, that’s rough :-/

Firstly, and this might be a redundant question and I don’t want to detract too much from your story here, but how is he coping?

Also, do you know what his religious/ spiritual beliefs are?

C*

[LaHermes]

What Pippy said:


"All these guru's are full of sh1t .......no contact is not a tool to get someone back ...basically every now and again there will someone who ends a relationship who isn't sure if they did the right thing ...when the dumped then just get on with their life and make no contact , it gives the dumpee time and space to think about their actions and if they did the right thing ..but this is one in a million tee honestly ."

It is cruel, inconsiderate and ultimately dishonest to give someone false hopes and nebulous illusions. People in pain will grab at any straw. Giving false hope only clouds the unfortunate sufferer's mind further.

Certainly no one says "Oh just move on". That type of advice must be tempered with empathy and kindness, but ultimately a new life is what it is about.

[Carus]

Certainly no one says "Oh just move on".

Mmm....I certainly got that....

Other gems I got were "Just snap out of it"..."Just forget about her"....etc etc....I know people mean well but it just doesn't work like that, unless you're an emotionless, programmable robot....

I agree that moving on is what is needed, and will eventually happen anyway....But patience is also an important ingredient....

If we could wake up the next day and go "Right I'm not going to think about them anymore or ask any more of those 'Why" questions".....I'm sure we all would*

:) xo

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you are trolling because it makes no sense why you are doing stuff like this? The husband you're not divorced from, "abusive ex" you hope to get back, and now another male friend you're consoling? Are several people using this account/username?

I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

[LaHermes]

Carus. I know you mean in real life there would have been people who would say that kind of stuff. Most unhelpful. I was referring to here and I think I can say I've never seen the words "snap out of it" uttered here.

Of course no one can wake up the next day and throw a non-thinking switch. Even where there is no "why" naturally enough the sufferer will ask why.

Maybe what I am driving at is that there is no "hurting elite". My pain is far worse than yours because of x, y and z. Everyone hurts from a break-up.

IMO it is important to gain insight, and I honestly believe this helps with the pain, into the whys and wherefores of the relationship. Find out what attracted or drove someone into a relationship which could be seen to be going nowhere. Just as an example.
That is what I see being discussed here.

[figureitout23]

Mmm....I certainly got that....

Other gems I got were "Just snap out of it"..."Just forget about her"....etc etc....I know people mean well but it just doesn't work like that, unless you're an emotionless, programmable robot....

I agree that moving on is what is needed, and will eventually happen anyway....But patience is also an important ingredient....

If we could wake up the next day and go "Right I'm not going to think about them anymore or ask any more of those 'Why" questions".....I'm sure we all would*

:) xo

I hear you.

But as taboo as it sometimes seems to say, the opposite can be just as harmful.

Stating ‘just get over it’ doesn’t help, neither does going down the rabbit hole of hope, nor does pretending it’s perfectly normal to still be hung up years later.

No one is immune to heart break, absolutely no one

Where we all differ is how we react to it.

An inability to cope and move forward shouldn’t be ignored, a drive to latch onto toxicity or codependency shouldn’t be patted on the head.

That’s just as if not more, in my humble opinion, harmful than telling someone ‘get over it’

But the saying goes misery loves company. Not saying you or anyone want others to be miserable, what I’m saying is if I myself can not cope properly, well it may make me feel better to see others not coping either.

And it does help, but not in the long run, in the long run again it does more harm than good. You create a cocoon telling yourself everything’s ok when it’s not, I often rant about another site where it’s a circle jerk of people all coddling each other all calling their exes narcissists. You think they’re healing? Of course not, they’ve fully taken on their pain and tattooed their baggage on their bodies, they’re lost causes, it’s down right sad to see.

Remaining stuck in grief is a detriment, it’s not politically correct to say because it’s considered cold, I get that, but I stand by it.