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Ghosted or Scared?


Honey2theB31

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Hi,

 

I'm 30 now. There's this guy I've known since high school who had a crush on me back then and I shut him down. After I graduated high school, I got into a relationship with someone else, spent five years with the guy, got engaged, and had 2 kids. 2 months after I broke up with my ex fiance (it was announced on social media), this guy from high school hits me up. I'm 23 at the time. I blew him off again because I just had too much going on being a single mom, and trying to work, and I wasn't over my ex yet. He persistently hit me up about once every 3 or 4 months after that for 6 whole years!! And over time I slowly became more responsive to him and even hung out a few times, but I always made it clear to him nothing was going to happen. So now present time, my kids are older now 7 and 8 and I'm finally ready to start dating so I actually made the effort to start hitting him up more often because I'm realizing that he's actually grown on me. He's a very attractive guy, he just always had this bad reputation as a player, but he has a kid too now a few years younger than my youngest and seems to have really matured and settled down. We've hung out together with our kids and seeing how good of a dad he is and how easy the relationship flowed with my kids was like the moment I REALLY got into him. We've since had some amazing conversations and dates. He respects that I don't want to get INTIMATE just yet although he reminds me he's waited all these years... The only negative thing is that we have polar opposite political views. Though I'm not really that in to politics I just have my little opinions and that's it. He's VERY involved in them though and likes to debate and I don't.

 

Anyways, fast forward to today, he suddenly stopped responding to me all together. Like "left on read" type of ignoring. It's been about a month now. There was no argument, nothing profound being said. We had had a normal conversation that day about work. The next morning I got the typical good morning text. And then when I asked if we were still meeting up later nothing... Have I been ghosted? Did he get scared? He's been very vocal about how much he likes me and how waiting for me was so worth it. He's always making me reassure him "Is this forreal? You really like me? You finally want me?" He admits to being really insecure because the mother of his child cheated on him.

 

I also kind of feel like maybe I didn't live up to the fantasy idea of who he thought I was. Not to sound conceited, but I get hit on all the time and everywhere I go people tell me how beautiful I am, but honestly I'm a total awkward, introverted, nerd. I work in IT and have zero social life. But at the same time those are the things he used to gush about he loved about me so I'm really at a loss here. I don't know if I should try and reach out again. I don't want to look desperate. I've already done the "double text." I know he's not dead, in jail or institutionalized because he still posts on his social media page, but it's all vague stuff about sports and shared funny videos/memes. Which really makes me feel hurt because I know he knows I can see that he's ignoring me and apparently he doesn't care. My friends say get a new man "that'll make him jealous" but if this is really about him being scared or insecure that I'll change my mind and blow him off or shut him down again doing something like that may just ruin everything if there is a chance.

 

Help!

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Sounds to me like he is still very much the player you rightly thought he was.

And still immature.

 

Think about it!!! He claims the mother of his child cheated on him??? Yet while he was with her , he hit you up every few months!!

 

My guess is that his ego got a knock back when you turned him down at school and after your marriage broke up.

When you started hitting him up , he was still up for the challenge and to redeem his deflated ego wrt you.

Now that you are still not allowing intimacy when he is at his greatest chance of conquest , he has given up.

It was a game , he has now stopped playing and likely trying with someone else.

 

That’s my take on it anyway!

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Hi,

 

I'm 30 now. There's this guy I've known since high school who had a crush on me back then and I shut him down.

 

....

 

this guy from high school hits me up. I'm 23 at the time. I blew him off again

 

....

 

I always made it clear to him nothing was going to happen

 

....

 

We've since had some amazing conversations and dates. He respects that I don't want to get INTIMATE just yet although he reminds me he's waited all these years... The only negative thing is that we have polar opposite political views.

....

Which really makes me feel hurt because I know he knows I can see that he's ignoring me and apparently he doesn't care.

 

 

Help!

 

A number of other posters have criticized this guy, but how about some perspective?

 

You have been playing him along for years and he's suddenly grown a spine and shut you down.

 

He probably met someone else he preferred.

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I also kind of feel like maybe I didn't live up to the fantasy idea of who he thought I was.

 

This was my first thought , but on second thought ...he has gotten to know you over the years and I pretty much guess he knows you are a *nerd* ( as you put it ) ...

 

I wonder if he has gone to get laid ...simple as that

 

You will only know when he reaches out , I wouldn't be contacting him again , hard as that is . I don't agree with your friends about trying to make him jealous . It always bites you on the ass when you game play .

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Why was he "hitting you up" while he was in a relationship and having kids? Is he still living with someone? It sounds like in person, things didn't work out.

 

If you feel ready to date, get out more and join some clubs, groups, volunteer, etc. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, etc and get on some quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men.

He persistently hit me up about once every 3 or 4 months after that for 6 whole years. my kids are older now 7 and 8 and I'm finally ready to start dating. he has a kid too now a few years younger than my youngest.

 

he suddenly stopped responding to me all together. It's been about a month now.

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A number of other posters have criticized this guy, but how about some perspective?

 

You have been playing him along for years and he's suddenly grown a spine and shut you down.

 

He probably met someone else he preferred.

 

It’s not like I have mercilessly strung him along. I was very transparent about just not being in the mindset to date and just not having time and needing my own space after splitting from my fiancé. He is the one who chose to continue hitting me up every few months checking in to see where I was at and though there were times I ignored him he already knew what kind of mindset I was in.

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Why was he "hitting you up" while he was in a relationship and having kids? Is he still living with someone? It sounds like in person, things didn't work out.

 

If you feel ready to date, get out more and join some clubs, groups, volunteer, etc. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, etc and get on some quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men.

 

I’m not entirely sure he was with this girl very long. Even though they had a child together it seemed to be very off and on. From her social media page, she’s in a relationship with someone else and doesn’t even live in this town. He has his child a majority of the time.

 

I’d rather start dating people I know rather than random strangers online, but I might have to do that just to get over this.

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He was probably multi-dating and decided to focus on somebody else, but too chicken to tell you, possibly to keep the option open in case his primary target falls through.

 

This wouldn’t be a problem. We’re not exclusive and I’ve let him know, especially during the period where I wasn’t that into him, that he should see other people. So I don’t know why he’d hide that. He knows when I’m talking to other guys as well. He’s asked recently that I stop doing that and I have.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I think you have to look at this more as trying to date a new dude, and a thing that happens in dating, rather than this whole big story about "finally" connecting. From that angle, this can be seen in a less dire light: getting back out there, feeling some early waves of things you hadn't felt in a while and are ready to feel with a better match. No, it didn't quite unfold in reality as you'd hoped, but better to accept that than to go down the path of "making him jealous" or "getting over him" by swiping through randoms.

 

Because those randoms out there? A lot of them might be much better for you than, you know, this dude. He's kind of announced himself as not super great—or, more generously, the universe has let you know that you plus him is not going to be the equation of your future. I'd really try to lean into it all from that angle. Better for your spirit in the long run.

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Seems lukewarm, OP. I'm sorry that you're feeling a bit annoyed or put off by this guy. I think it's better overall to date someone new, not someone you've known from highschool. Good for you for not having sex with him if you weren't ready. His comments about waiting for years might have been tongue in cheek but it's a bit tasteless. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other. That's no way to treat a lady and it sounds like he's either not entirely truthful and open with you or he's just not emotionally available (not in the right headspace at all). There are other ways to flirt and show interest or sexual compatibility. That kind of guilt-inducing/you-owe-me type of joke is just gross.

 

Move on and spend time with your kids. I wouldn't rekindle anything with this person. I'd remind myself that while most people are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, there is a vast majority of individuals who are not self-aware and confused. You continue on your path of rebuilding your life back again and enjoy your time with your family.

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Although I could be way off base, my guess is he's attempting to temporarily punish you by using manipulation as a weapon...so to speak. In other words, there's a method to his madness.

 

Either way, rather than tackle this as an adult, he's taking the easy way out, (imo). Your call...

 

This makes more sense than him suddenly disappearing after 6+ years of chasing because I said let’s wait to have sex. I haven’t been having sex with him for all these years and it didn’t stop his interest.

 

He did admit to me that his last serious relationship ended because she accused him of being controlling and manipulative. But that those were things he is trying to change. I’m pretty independent. I make over twice as much money as he does and I think those things intimidated him. Like I got promoted last month and he didn’t even congratulate me or sound happy for me.

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Seems lukewarm, OP. I'm sorry that you're feeling a bit annoyed or put off by this guy. I think it's better overall to date someone new, not someone you've known from highschool. Good for you for not having sex with him if you weren't ready. His comments about waiting for years might have been tongue in cheek but it's a bit tasteless. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other. That's no way to treat a lady and it sounds like he's either not entirely truthful and open with you or he's just not emotionally available (not in the right headspace at all). There are other ways to flirt and show interest or sexual compatibility. That kind of guilt-inducing/you-owe-me type of joke is just gross.

 

Move on and spend time with your kids. I wouldn't rekindle anything with this person. I'd remind myself that while most people are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, there is a vast majority of individuals who are not self-aware and confused. You continue on your path of rebuilding your life back again and enjoy your time with your family.

 

Thank God for my kids they’ve really kept me going during all this. Guilt tripping me into doing what he wants is Narc behavior and not good at all for my situation. If that’s even what he’s doing....

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He did admit to me that his last serious relationship ended because she accused him of being controlling and manipulative. But that those were things he is trying to change.

 

Ooof.

 

Imagine you were being told that from a man you'd just met, rather than a man you were predisposed to be curious about: because he was hot in high school, curious about you for years, and so on. Would you be pressing play, or reaching for your own version of the ghost button on the emotional remote?

 

I totally get that this is a bit of whiplash. He's a nice guy, sexy, an engaged father, and as your kids played with his and you two caught up you saw visions of something you hadn't seen before—romance 2.0, with kids. Then the record scratched just as the song was starting.

 

Wouldn't be remotely surprised if you hear from him sooner or later, but I think any connection means stepping backwards: not just in time, but into a place of maturity that you've long outgrown, as you'd need to access a lesser you to connect to the full him.

 

So I'd thank him now, internally, for the appetizer of what could be as you go about setting the table for the actual meal.

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Ooof.

 

Imagine you were being told that from a man you'd just met, rather than a man you were predisposed to be curious about: because he was hot in high school, curious about you for years, and so on. Would you be pressing play, or reaching for your own version of the ghost button on the emotional remote?

 

I totally get that this is a bit of whiplash. He's a nice guy, sexy, an engaged father, and as your kids played with his and you two caught up you saw visions of something you hadn't seen before—romance 2.0, with kids. Then the record scratched just as the song was starting.

 

Wouldn't be remotely surprised if you hear from him sooner or later, but I think any connection means stepping backwards: not just in time, but into a place of maturity that you've long outgrown, as you'd need to access a lesser you to connect to the full him.

 

So I'd thank him now, internally, for the appetizer of what could be as you go about setting the table for the actual meal.

 

When someone admits something like that in the context of a deep convo exploring each other’s flaws it comes across a bit different. If someone credible had reached out to me and said stay away from so and so he’s this and that. Then I would have pressed pause right then.

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When someone admits something like that in the context of a deep convo exploring each other’s flaws it comes across a bit different. If someone credible had reached out to me and said stay away from so and so he’s this and that. Then I would have pressed pause right then.

 

Oof is right! I am unsure why it makes it better coming out of his mouth than it does someone else's.... I think perhaps it makes it worse as he is aware of the behavior, he can't use the fact that it's a blind spot in his character as an excuse to keep acting that way.

 

He is telling you who he is, and you are essentially clapping your hands saying "yes please!" by continuing to date him after that.

 

Not only this but you are making excuses for him even though he ditched you without saying a word.... and if you take him back you again let him know that it's perfectly acceptable for him to behave this way.

 

Why OP? What's so great about this guy that you would accept this kind of treatment from him?

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Maew beat me to it.

 

If anyone told me anything about why I should "stay away" from my girlfriend my first instinct would be to stay away from the person who told me that. Gossip, drama, pot-stirring, manipulation: thanks, but I'm good.

 

Now, if my girlfriend got maudlin on our third date and told me she's "working" on being less manipulative and controlling with men after her marriage—well, good for her. Truly. But not the self-work I want to be myself alongside, or a laboratory for another to "work on" with my emotions as their sculpting clay.

 

I've got a decent read on where I've royally sucked as a human and improved on my journey, as well as where I'm still looking to improve. That just wouldn't be terrain I was interested in, as the odds of it yanking me back into some nastiness would be...well, not a dice worth tossing on the craps table.

 

"I also kind of feel like maybe I didn't live up to the fantasy idea of who he thought I was," you wrote in your opening. Sure, maybe. But I think you're still a bit caught up in the fantasy of who you think he is rather than the reality of the man he is.

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I'd just take a step back at this point and try not to go any further with the thoughts about him. Whether or not he's manipulative or ghosting you on purpose or "narc" is a little too much for what the situation's worth, to be honest. I'd take a good look at my interactions with this person: you met a few times, didn't have sex, didn't get along back then either and now he seems busy. Keep it neutral and be honest with yourself. I wouldn't build up any big bad ideas about this person because there's really nothing to build up and it would be so much wasted energy.

 

I think this person was a great ego-booster for you for a time when things were rough and you might have felt very down. It's ok to outgrow that though.

 

Wouldn't you rather be enjoying your time with your kids or checking out a dating app and seeing what other attractive and interesting men there are out there?

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Hey if I do find out this is some narcissistic game he’s playing, heÂ’s totally kicked to the curb. However he openly admitted he’s had issues in the past but he’s also said raising a daughter and envisioning a man treating her that way he has treated people makes him disgusted with his past self. Everyone deserves a second chance. I’ve been rejected before I know the signs of a guy losing interest. This is different. He was just recently practically begging for reassurance that I was being for real with him and now suddenly heÂ’s disappeared. It’s insane and I just don’t know what to make of it.

 

What has me so drawn to him is how seamlessly he bonded with my kids. That’s the number one thing I look for in a guy because that’s is so rare to find. He’s only met them once but it was just so natural and not awkward. I know he’s not perfect all around and I don’t have some fantasy idea of him being this all around perfect guy because I already know that isn’t true. I kind of hope he’s just checked out mentally for a while and will get a hold of me after he’s collected himself and figured things out. If he needed to go release some testosterone somewhere else that’s fine too we aren’t even exclusive yet and I haven’t even expressed to him that I fully want to be. I just reassured him that I do like him and do want to continue to casually date.

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I can't quite put my finger on it but this is still neither here nor there and I feel like you're skirting around his giant question mark. I'm starting to wonder if you are emotionally available also. If you are open to a serious and committed relationship with some future sprinkled in there, why would you put yourself through this trouble? If you are ok with casually dating, why are you asking so many questions? What you say versus how you think doesn't quite add up to me.

 

If you are interested in casually dating him or casually dating in general, why overthink this? Why not just go about your life casually and not let this get to you? If you're lonely, are you up for seeing other people or meeting new people also?

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I have the same thoughts and feelings as Rose... you seem very confused about what you want from him. The whole idea of a casual relationship is that people can come and go as they please, with no big emotional talks about it. You are not acting casually at all with this guy... you introduced him to your kids and have already built a fantasy up of who he could be with them based on him meeting them once. Believe me I get it... I was a single mom and that was a very attractive thing for me as well, and very important, that a guy could get along with my kid... and I think if it happens our judgement gets clouded as often happens with our children... but at the end of the day, it was one meeting... and consider this... he disappeared from your life without a word... what will happen when he really does bond with your kids and ghosts you again? I don't know... for me, it's not a risk I would be willing to take.

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