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Thread: Ghosted or Scared?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Maew beat me to it.

    If anyone told me anything about why I should "stay away" from my girlfriend my first instinct would be to stay away from the person who told me that. Gossip, drama, pot-stirring, manipulation: thanks, but I'm good.

    Now, if my girlfriend got maudlin on our third date and told me she's "working" on being less manipulative and controlling with men after her marriageówell, good for her. Truly. But not the self-work I want to be myself alongside, or a laboratory for another to "work on" with my emotions as their sculpting clay.

    I've got a decent read on where I've royally sucked as a human and improved on my journey, as well as where I'm still looking to improve. That just wouldn't be terrain I was interested in, as the odds of it yanking me back into some nastiness would be...well, not a dice worth tossing on the craps table.

    "I also kind of feel like maybe I didn't live up to the fantasy idea of who he thought I was," you wrote in your opening. Sure, maybe. But I think you're still a bit caught up in the fantasy of who you think he is rather than the reality of the man he is.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd just take a step back at this point and try not to go any further with the thoughts about him. Whether or not he's manipulative or ghosting you on purpose or "narc" is a little too much for what the situation's worth, to be honest. I'd take a good look at my interactions with this person: you met a few times, didn't have sex, didn't get along back then either and now he seems busy. Keep it neutral and be honest with yourself. I wouldn't build up any big bad ideas about this person because there's really nothing to build up and it would be so much wasted energy.

    I think this person was a great ego-booster for you for a time when things were rough and you might have felt very down. It's ok to outgrow that though.

    Wouldn't you rather be enjoying your time with your kids or checking out a dating app and seeing what other attractive and interesting men there are out there?

  3. #23
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    Hey if I do find out this is some narcissistic game heís playing, he¬ís totally kicked to the curb. However he openly admitted heís had issues in the past but heís also said raising a daughter and envisioning a man treating her that way he has treated people makes him disgusted with his past self. Everyone deserves a second chance. Iíve been rejected before I know the signs of a guy losing interest. This is different. He was just recently practically begging for reassurance that I was being for real with him and now suddenly he¬ís disappeared. Itís insane and I just donít know what to make of it.

    What has me so drawn to him is how seamlessly he bonded with my kids. Thatís the number one thing I look for in a guy because thatís is so rare to find. Heís only met them once but it was just so natural and not awkward. I know heís not perfect all around and I donít have some fantasy idea of him being this all around perfect guy because I already know that isnít true. I kind of hope heís just checked out mentally for a while and will get a hold of me after heís collected himself and figured things out. If he needed to go release some testosterone somewhere else thatís fine too we arenít even exclusive yet and I havenít even expressed to him that I fully want to be. I just reassured him that I do like him and do want to continue to casually date.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I can't quite put my finger on it but this is still neither here nor there and I feel like you're skirting around his giant question mark. I'm starting to wonder if you are emotionally available also. If you are open to a serious and committed relationship with some future sprinkled in there, why would you put yourself through this trouble? If you are ok with casually dating, why are you asking so many questions? What you say versus how you think doesn't quite add up to me.

    If you are interested in casually dating him or casually dating in general, why overthink this? Why not just go about your life casually and not let this get to you? If you're lonely, are you up for seeing other people or meeting new people also?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I have the same thoughts and feelings as Rose... you seem very confused about what you want from him. The whole idea of a casual relationship is that people can come and go as they please, with no big emotional talks about it. You are not acting casually at all with this guy... you introduced him to your kids and have already built a fantasy up of who he could be with them based on him meeting them once. Believe me I get it... I was a single mom and that was a very attractive thing for me as well, and very important, that a guy could get along with my kid... and I think if it happens our judgement gets clouded as often happens with our children... but at the end of the day, it was one meeting... and consider this... he disappeared from your life without a word... what will happen when he really does bond with your kids and ghosts you again? I don't know... for me, it's not a risk I would be willing to take.

  7. #26
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    Again Iíve known him since high school so introducing him to my kids is no big deal. They meet acquaintances of mine all the time. Male or female. Itís not like introducing some new guy I barely know to them. I am still figuring out where Iím at emotionally as far as if I really want to be with him long term or not and to just be ghosted in the middle of what was seeming like a revolution is tough. Iím sure he probably sees/feels my hesitation and mixed signals as well which is why I worry that he did this to protect his own feelings (hence the title ghosted or scared ). And it puts me in a situation where I can either look desperate chasing this guy who doesnít want me anymore or by not saying anything confirm his missunderstanding that Iím just toying around with him.

  8. #27
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    As I read this thread further, I cannot but help thinking this chap has realized the best way to get your attention, was to withdraw his.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not dating him, so why bother with armchair analyses? It sounds like he's just a canvas that you are projecting a lot of other baggage onto. Stop the chitchat with random pseudo old flames and start dating in real life, if you're ready. However you sound far from ready given that you're quick to throw around narcissist labels. Therapy may help you sift through some issues that haven't been dealt with.
    Originally Posted by Honey2theB31
    Thank God for my kids theyíve really kept me going during all this. Guilt tripping me into doing what he wants is Narc behavior and not good at all for my situation. If thatís even what heís doing....

  10. #29
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    Though Iím an introvert. Iím also a feisty Leo (astrology). I canít STAND to be ignored it puts women like me into crazy mode and Iím like a day away from sending that crazy angry ďScrew you.Ē text. So I just thought Iíd find some random outlet to vent into instead since my friends are sick of hearing about it. And Iím sick of them shoving other guys in my direction. Thereís nothing more a person wants than that one thing they canít have at the moment I guess.

    The holidays are coming so Iíll just focus on myself and my family for now. Whatever will be will be. Thanks all for your advice and time!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I would recommend almost any reaction save for the "crazy" text, which I don't think any star sign can rationalize.

    I'd break it all down, first and foremost, to the two simple things here: 1. This hurts. 2. You are sad. Those are tough feelings to experience, but they will pass, if you let them and allow yourself to accept what really is the most obvious storyline here: that this guy is just not who you hoped he'd be. If he was, the past 30 days would have gone much differently.

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