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Thread: Ghosted or Scared?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    He was probably multi-dating and decided to focus on somebody else, but too chicken to tell you, possibly to keep the option open in case his primary target falls through.
    This wouldnít be a problem. Weíre not exclusive and Iíve let him know, especially during the period where I wasnít that into him, that he should see other people. So I donít know why heíd hide that. He knows when Iím talking to other guys as well. Heís asked recently that I stop doing that and I have.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I think you have to look at this more as trying to date a new dude, and a thing that happens in dating, rather than this whole big story about "finally" connecting. From that angle, this can be seen in a less dire light: getting back out there, feeling some early waves of things you hadn't felt in a while and are ready to feel with a better match. No, it didn't quite unfold in reality as you'd hoped, but better to accept that than to go down the path of "making him jealous" or "getting over him" by swiping through randoms.

    Because those randoms out there? A lot of them might be much better for you than, you know, this dude. He's kind of announced himself as not super greatóor, more generously, the universe has let you know that you plus him is not going to be the equation of your future. I'd really try to lean into it all from that angle. Better for your spirit in the long run.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I also kind of feel like maybe I didn't live up to the fantasy idea of who he thought I was.
    I think you are on the right track.... I would say perhaps he is one of those guys that gets more out of the chase than the relationship itself.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Seems lukewarm, OP. I'm sorry that you're feeling a bit annoyed or put off by this guy. I think it's better overall to date someone new, not someone you've known from highschool. Good for you for not having sex with him if you weren't ready. His comments about waiting for years might have been tongue in cheek but it's a bit tasteless. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other. That's no way to treat a lady and it sounds like he's either not entirely truthful and open with you or he's just not emotionally available (not in the right headspace at all). There are other ways to flirt and show interest or sexual compatibility. That kind of guilt-inducing/you-owe-me type of joke is just gross.

    Move on and spend time with your kids. I wouldn't rekindle anything with this person. I'd remind myself that while most people are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, there is a vast majority of individuals who are not self-aware and confused. You continue on your path of rebuilding your life back again and enjoy your time with your family.

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  6. #15
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Although I could be way off base, my guess is he's attempting to temporarily punish you by using manipulation as a weapon...so to speak. In other words, there's a method to his madness.

    Either way, rather than tackle this as an adult, he's taking the easy way out, (imo). Your call...

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    Although I could be way off base, my guess is he's attempting to temporarily punish you by using manipulation as a weapon...so to speak. In other words, there's a method to his madness.

    Either way, rather than tackle this as an adult, he's taking the easy way out, (imo). Your call...
    This makes more sense than him suddenly disappearing after 6+ years of chasing because I said letís wait to have sex. I havenít been having sex with him for all these years and it didnít stop his interest.

    He did admit to me that his last serious relationship ended because she accused him of being controlling and manipulative. But that those were things he is trying to change. Iím pretty independent. I make over twice as much money as he does and I think those things intimidated him. Like I got promoted last month and he didnít even congratulate me or sound happy for me.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Seems lukewarm, OP. I'm sorry that you're feeling a bit annoyed or put off by this guy. I think it's better overall to date someone new, not someone you've known from highschool. Good for you for not having sex with him if you weren't ready. His comments about waiting for years might have been tongue in cheek but it's a bit tasteless. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other. That's no way to treat a lady and it sounds like he's either not entirely truthful and open with you or he's just not emotionally available (not in the right headspace at all). There are other ways to flirt and show interest or sexual compatibility. That kind of guilt-inducing/you-owe-me type of joke is just gross.

    Move on and spend time with your kids. I wouldn't rekindle anything with this person. I'd remind myself that while most people are not inherently bad or evil or ill-intentioned, there is a vast majority of individuals who are not self-aware and confused. You continue on your path of rebuilding your life back again and enjoy your time with your family.
    Thank God for my kids theyíve really kept me going during all this. Guilt tripping me into doing what he wants is Narc behavior and not good at all for my situation. If thatís even what heís doing....

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Honey2theB31
    He did admit to me that his last serious relationship ended because she accused him of being controlling and manipulative. But that those were things he is trying to change.
    Ooof.

    Imagine you were being told that from a man you'd just met, rather than a man you were predisposed to be curious about: because he was hot in high school, curious about you for years, and so on. Would you be pressing play, or reaching for your own version of the ghost button on the emotional remote?

    I totally get that this is a bit of whiplash. He's a nice guy, sexy, an engaged father, and as your kids played with his and you two caught up you saw visions of something you hadn't seen beforeóromance 2.0, with kids. Then the record scratched just as the song was starting.

    Wouldn't be remotely surprised if you hear from him sooner or later, but I think any connection means stepping backwards: not just in time, but into a place of maturity that you've long outgrown, as you'd need to access a lesser you to connect to the full him.

    So I'd thank him now, internally, for the appetizer of what could be as you go about setting the table for the actual meal.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ooof.

    Imagine you were being told that from a man you'd just met, rather than a man you were predisposed to be curious about: because he was hot in high school, curious about you for years, and so on. Would you be pressing play, or reaching for your own version of the ghost button on the emotional remote?

    I totally get that this is a bit of whiplash. He's a nice guy, sexy, an engaged father, and as your kids played with his and you two caught up you saw visions of something you hadn't seen beforeóromance 2.0, with kids. Then the record scratched just as the song was starting.

    Wouldn't be remotely surprised if you hear from him sooner or later, but I think any connection means stepping backwards: not just in time, but into a place of maturity that you've long outgrown, as you'd need to access a lesser you to connect to the full him.

    So I'd thank him now, internally, for the appetizer of what could be as you go about setting the table for the actual meal.
    When someone admits something like that in the context of a deep convo exploring each otherís flaws it comes across a bit different. If someone credible had reached out to me and said stay away from so and so heís this and that. Then I would have pressed pause right then.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Honey2theB31
    When someone admits something like that in the context of a deep convo exploring each otherís flaws it comes across a bit different. If someone credible had reached out to me and said stay away from so and so heís this and that. Then I would have pressed pause right then.
    Oof is right! I am unsure why it makes it better coming out of his mouth than it does someone else's.... I think perhaps it makes it worse as he is aware of the behavior, he can't use the fact that it's a blind spot in his character as an excuse to keep acting that way.

    He is telling you who he is, and you are essentially clapping your hands saying "yes please!" by continuing to date him after that.

    Not only this but you are making excuses for him even though he ditched you without saying a word.... and if you take him back you again let him know that it's perfectly acceptable for him to behave this way.

    Why OP? What's so great about this guy that you would accept this kind of treatment from him?

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