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Thread: I met his co-workers, need advice

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Are you into all this?

    No judgement, as I've enjoyed my share of nebulous romance—though I've found I enjoy it when I'm genuinely seeking nebulous and genuinely not expecting it to develop into anything concrete.

    I'm getting a different impression about all this. He tells you on his first date that he's fresh off the relationship boat, has no idea what he wants—not exactly music to the ears of someone with "trust issues." He tells a dumb lie—another scratch of the record. He updates his dating app profile, nudges you about your dating life—fine, I guess, if you're into that kind of hot sauce. But all that really contradicts the image of him "acting" like a boyfriend. I'd say it's more him unapologetically being someone who is not interested in being anyone's boyfriend. As for the sweater business: does that register as charming and intentional to you, or just kind of weird? Do you want a man—casual, committed, whatever—to think of you as a possession?

    Guess all I'm saying is that if you're looking for a boyfriend out of this I'm not sure you're getting boyfriend material. Charming roll in the hay? Check. Sizzling placeholder? Check. You can go with it, wait it out, enjoy the ride. You can have a little talk. You can do whatever you'd like, of course. I'd just be honest with yourself about what you're feeling, what you're wanting, and what you're actually getting here, so that you're not turning certain things (Instagram, dating profiles, sweaters, officemates) into hieroglyphics that tell one story while another is unspooling in reality.
    I really have no expectations for anything whenever I meet new people. I learned that when I did have expectations then I would end up dissapointed when things didn't go the way I thought it would. So I'm honestly just continuing to see him for the fun times we share when we are together. I am starting to ignore certain things he says and does now.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good attitude.

    I very much agree about no expectations. Thing is—and I'm not trying to drill into this one relationship, but just to offer some general thoughts—that doesn't mean that we don't have some personal version of expectations, for ourselves.

    We can be 100 percent okay dating someone who doesn't know why they want to date people, for instance, or we can be 100 percent not interested in that. We can be somewhere in the middle. We can not quite know. We can start over here and, later, find ourselves over there.

    None of that has anything to do with expectations of another person, though it may be connected to shifting feelings we have for another person, or shifting feelings we have in our spirit as things progress with another person. The good thing about all that is it's not mysterious, because it's inside of us: information, truths, nothing that requires another person to decode.

    Just something to file away, or not, as you see fit.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Good attitude.

    I very much agree about no expectations. Thing is—and I'm not trying to drill into this one relationship, but just to offer some general thoughts—that doesn't mean that we don't have some personal version of expectations, for ourselves.

    We can be 100 percent okay dating someone who doesn't know why they want to date people, for instance, or we can be 100 percent not interested in that. We can be somewhere in the middle. We can not quite know. We can start over here and, later, find ourselves over there.

    None of that has anything to do with expectations of another person, though it may be connected to shifting feelings we have for another person, or shifting feelings we have in our spirit as things progress with another person. The good thing about all that is it's not mysterious, because it's inside of us: information, truths, nothing that requires another person to decode.

    Just something to file away, or not, as you see fit.
    You made a fair point, I totally understand and agree with this. I mean who knows, maybe one day I will feel differently and decide I don't want to continue or vice versa.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PiscesDream5
    I really have no expectations for anything whenever I meet new people. I learned that when I did have expectations then I would end up dissapointed when things didn't go the way I thought it would. So I'm honestly just continuing to see him for the fun times we share when we are together. I am starting to ignore certain things he says and does now.
    Is that how you want a relationship to go?

    It's not about having expectations, it's about knowing what you want and what you are and aren't willing to put with. Besides, you say that you are cool with this limbo set up, yet here you are totally in turmoil over him introducing you to his co-workers and trying to read some kind of meaning into that. Is that really being cool with limbo? No.

    What does it mean? Nothing. It was cold, he was delayed, he decided to be show basic human decency and invite you to wait for him there. That is all. I've met a guy's co-workers on date two or three because some occasion called for it. Heck, there was an event to attend in town where going as his date, I had to meet his parents. It means nothing. Trying to read some kind of meaning into that is like trying to read tea leaves - pointless. The only thing that matters is what he told you straight up - he doesn't know where he is at and he isn't looking to get seriously involved.

    When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear - believe him because he is telling you the truth. If you choose to ignore that, then realize you are taking a huge risk and are liable to end up exactly where he told you that you are at - limbo, just casual land.

    If you want a relationship, don't waste time on men who tell you they aren't there. You are obviously getting attached and thinking that all those nice dates and gestures mean something, but........problem with people fresh out of relationships is that they are still in relationship mode. It's easy to act like a bf because they are used to acting that way. It doesn't mean that they are actually there emotionally. In fact, getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship sets you up to be a rebound crutch and once that crutch is no longer needed....they move on....

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Is that how you want a relationship to go?

    It's not about having expectations, it's about knowing what you want and what you are and aren't willing to put with. Besides, you say that you are cool with this limbo set up, yet here you are totally in turmoil over him introducing you to his co-workers and trying to read some kind of meaning into that. Is that really being cool with limbo? No.

    When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear - believe him because he is telling you the truth. If you choose to ignore that, then realize you are taking a huge risk and are liable to end up exactly where he told you that you are at - limbo, just casual land.

    If you want a relationship, don't waste time on men who tell you they aren't there. You are obviously getting attached and thinking that all those nice dates and gestures mean something, but........problem with people fresh out of relationships is that they are still in relationship mode. It's easy to act like a bf because they are used to acting that way. It doesn't mean that they are actually there emotionally. In fact, getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship sets you up to be a rebound crutch and once that crutch is no longer needed....they move on....
    What I'm nudging toward, laid out on the surgical table.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Is that how you want a relationship to go?

    It's not about having expectations, it's about knowing what you want and what you are and aren't willing to put with. Besides, you say that you are cool with this limbo set up, yet here you are totally in turmoil over him introducing you to his co-workers and trying to read some kind of meaning into that. Is that really being cool with limbo? No.

    What does it mean? Nothing. It was cold, he was delayed, he decided to be show basic human decency and invite you to wait for him there. That is all. I've met a guy's co-workers on date two or three because some occasion called for it. Heck, there was an event to attend in town where going as his date, I had to meet his parents. It means nothing. Trying to read some kind of meaning into that is like trying to read tea leaves - pointless. The only thing that matters is what he told you straight up - he doesn't know where he is at and he isn't looking to get seriously involved.

    When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear - believe him because he is telling you the truth. If you choose to ignore that, then realize you are taking a huge risk and are liable to end up exactly where he told you that you are at - limbo, just casual land.

    If you want a relationship, don't waste time on men who tell you they aren't there. You are obviously getting attached and thinking that all those nice dates and gestures mean something, but........problem with people fresh out of relationships is that they are still in relationship mode. It's easy to act like a bf because they are used to acting that way. It doesn't mean that they are actually there emotionally. In fact, getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship sets you up to be a rebound crutch and once that crutch is no longer needed....they move on....
    I could not agree more. So well put. She's analyzing it because he lied to her early on.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I could not agree more. So well put. She's analyzing it because he lied to her early on.
    There's a context in which I can see that lie being digestible—a pothole, not a broken axle.

    But in that context it's a man who is saying, I don't know, that his last relationship was two years ago and that he's looking for something serious. Does the lie negate that? Perhaps, as people say one thing while being another. Is that lie an immediate skull and cross bones for some people? Of course. But people are also kind of spastic, and I could see the above an instant where someone would give it a bit more time, to see if it was a spastic hiccup from a genuine fellow or a window into a deep character flaw of a shady charmer.

    I think she's analyzing because, on minute eleven of date one, he was honest: that he has no idea what he wants, is fresh out of something. Not what she wanted when swiping rightward, and that's now the foundation here, and the little crack in it, as the interest in him is about whether he changes his mind. Risky. Disorienting. On Monday you say #yolo and #noexpectations, but on Tuesday you're wondering if sitting in an office conference room means the needle has moved toward commitment.

    Just make sure to be honest with yourself Pisces. Snacks are delicious, but not when we hope they're a meal.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Is that how you want a relationship to go?

    It's not about having expectations, it's about knowing what you want and what you are and aren't willing to put with. Besides, you say that you are cool with this limbo set up, yet here you are totally in turmoil over him introducing you to his co-workers and trying to read some kind of meaning into that. Is that really being cool with limbo? No.

    What does it mean? Nothing. It was cold, he was delayed, he decided to be show basic human decency and invite you to wait for him there. That is all. I've met a guy's co-workers on date two or three because some occasion called for it. Heck, there was an event to attend in town where going as his date, I had to meet his parents. It means nothing. Trying to read some kind of meaning into that is like trying to read tea leaves - pointless. The only thing that matters is what he told you straight up - he doesn't know where he is at and he isn't looking to get seriously involved.

    When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear - believe him because he is telling you the truth. If you choose to ignore that, then realize you are taking a huge risk and are liable to end up exactly where he told you that you are at - limbo, just casual land.

    If you want a relationship, don't waste time on men who tell you they aren't there. You are obviously getting attached and thinking that all those nice dates and gestures mean something, but........problem with people fresh out of relationships is that they are still in relationship mode. It's easy to act like a bf because they are used to acting that way. It doesn't mean that they are actually there emotionally. In fact, getting involved with someone fresh out of a relationship sets you up to be a rebound crutch and once that crutch is no longer needed....they move on....
    I'm definitely by no means in any turmoil over this, I really just wanted a unbiased opinion from others since I had heard differently when I explained the situation to a few of my friends. I could care less whether he comes around to wanting to be serious or not. The minute he told me that he wasn't sure what he was looking for on the first date, I had no expectations of it going anywhere. I still thought he was cool to hang out with though. I was and still am actively dating other people.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PiscesDream5
    I'm definitely by no means in any turmoil over this, I really just wanted a unbiased opinion from others since I had heard differently when I explained the situation to a few of my friends. I could care less whether he comes around to wanting to be serious or not. The minute he told me that he wasn't sure what he was looking for on the first date, I had no expectations of it going anywhere. I still thought he was cool to hang out with though. I was and still am actively dating other people.
    No harm done, then.

    I'm personally not a fan of dating more than one person at a time. I got to a point where it was quality versus quantity and eliminating white noise because peace became a great priority - possibly the greatest priority in my life. There is nothing wrong with dating more than one person if you're looking to meet new people. Just be prepared for all that white noise and added confusion. Your vision may not be as clear. That's how it was for me anyway. Enjoy.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    There's a context in which I can see that lie being digestible—a pothole, not a broken axle.

    But in that context it's a man who is saying, I don't know, that his last relationship was two years ago and that he's looking for something serious. Does the lie negate that? Perhaps, as people say one thing while being another. Is that lie an immediate skull and cross bones for some people? Of course. But people are also kind of spastic, and I could see the above an instant where someone would give it a bit more time, to see if it was a spastic hiccup from a genuine fellow or a window into a deep character flaw of a shady charmer.

    I think she's analyzing because, on minute eleven of date one, he was honest: that he has no idea what he wants, is fresh out of something. Not what she wanted when swiping rightward, and that's now the foundation here, and the little crack in it, as the interest in him is about whether he changes his mind. Risky. Disorienting. On Monday you say #yolo and #noexpectations, but on Tuesday you're wondering if sitting in an office conference room means the needle has moved toward commitment.

    Just make sure to be honest with yourself Pisces. Snacks are delicious, but not when we hope they're a meal.
    I can see where someone could get over that for sure. Before I was exclusive with someone if he asked what I had done on a particular night I always said "with a friend" or, mostly, just described the activity - "I went to see a movie" even if it was a date. Because it was none of his business if I was on a date and it was TMI -and a date can be a friend too. But I didn't go out of my way to share plans or locations that were complete lies. And if a man said to me he'd gone out and done some activity I didn't ask for details before we were exclusive. It was understood that friends could be dates before exclusivity. But this guy told her he was going to be completely out of town, told her multiple times then posted about his actual plans on social media. Shady.

    OP - I seriously doubt you have no expectations and you don't care if this goes anywhere other than enjoying the particular date. If that were true it never would have occurred to you to ask about his behavior because it would have been irrelevant - because if each time you saw him you viewed as most likely a one shot deal then who cares about whether behavior reflects his character, a pattern, etc.

    In particular you analyzed it this way: : I didn't understand what the point of that was. I guess i'm seeing it differently because if I was unsure of what I was looking for and was seeing someone I would not have them inside of my workplace for them to meet my co-workers. I was just trying to get varying opinions, it could mean nothing as some have stated."

    If you truly had no expectations and accepted that he did not see long term potential with you (which you should assume - a person who sees a chance of future potential wouldn't want to sabotage it by oversharing concerns about whether he was ready -he'd keep that private, see how things went and of course not lead you on but decide further down the road whether he could get over his reluctance of "serious potential" because you knocked his socks off) -so if you truly felt that way it wouldn't matter to you if "it could mean nothing" or something. You would not care a bit. But you do.

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